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#1760416 10/22/06 03:03 AM
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 113
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Kuky Offline OP
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First I have to say, I found out about my WS A just a few hours ago. She admitted it after being able to address a note I accidently found in her purse, telling someone else, about the fact she just wants out of the M. With tears in her eyes and sobbing, she confirmed what I already strongly suspected. Wasn't really a shock to me, I even suspected when the last time had happened, when she got home a bit too late after a get together.

After talking about it all a few hours, I got her to agree to talk to a counselor about getting some outside help, maybe trying to save it. Not really interested in it, she agreed anyway. I got the just don't love you anymore speech, and we then talked about trying to seperate like adults, hopefully seeking moderation would help avoid a lot of troubles. I fear that perhaps almost forcing her to seek counseling will not be successful, since after all, she just wants out. (her own words)

Together we have 2 boys, 5 and 2. If she is almost set on seperating, would it be acutlaly worth my while to try convincing her to attempt saving it? Even for the kids sake, she seems like divorce would be a better option.

The OM, I am not sure who he is. Through tears and sobbing, I found out that ever since that night 2 weeks ago, hasn't had anything to do with her. I believe her, in that way a spouse can read another one, I believe her.

My night is getting worse for me. I wonder now if maybe I had learned to be a better lover, better husband, she wouldn't have strayed. Concerned about how much of this is my fault. After 12 years, it ends like this, being told it just fell apart, and oops, we had sex, didn't really mean for it to happen. Nice guys seem to finsih last, right?

I ask this though, when is a M not worth saving? I believe her sincerity when she says she wants to leave in peace, like adults, and work through mediation,


"Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will." - John Macdonald
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 163
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Kuky,

Sorry you are in this place in life but i am glad you are here.

I can say that when my W's A was at it's beginning stages, both our minds changed on where we thought the outcome would or should be. What I'm saying is, what she "wants" now isnt likely what she ultimatly wants.

I think a counselor is a good start, but that is only a start but you need a GOOD counselor. No counselor is better than a bad counselor. You both need this forum, the bible, self help books, life changes, a lot of them.

Your marriage is worth saving, just ask your kids, just ask God. The ONLY way I would look into a divorce this soon into an A is if there was physical abuse, extrmeme alcoholism or something like that.

Why does she seem to think your children would be better off if you two divorce?

None of the A is your fault, the poor relationship within your marriage is about the only place you should be taking any responsibility when it comes to her A.

2LLP


BS(me)-41
FWS(wife)-39
D-11
D-13
S-15
Dday-1 10/05/05
Dday-2 06/02/06
Dday-3 07/14/06
Married - 17 years, together 23
My story - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=1&PHPSESSID=
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 113
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Kuky Offline OP
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Well, the lst few days I have done a lot of snooping, documenting what I have found in the past, documenting what I found now.

I think this is an EA that 2 and a half weeks turned physical. I think I know who it is. I have found from doing my own snooping, that she had hid, and kept things away from me concerning him for a long time, since April this year. Took steps to hide phone records from me, all typical stuff. found out that after the ONS, next weekend she ran to the store where she works, to buy a card, returned an hour and a half later. Left her, paid for the card 75 minutes later. Same day of the week as before.

The sight of her makes me ill. I see her, I see someone elses woman. She having unprotected sex makes me want to kick her out of the house and change the locks, I have 2 young kids to look out for. Obviously my being the only responsible parent here, makes me want to protect them first.

Over the course of the last 5 days, I have gone through many different emotions, many different feelings. I now know that I have my kids to protect, they are too young to have opinions on something this major. The thing for me, is that I have to be able to trust my wife, have to be able to let her go out without thinking she is under another guy again. Shw had me snowed for quite a while with this EA, I was blind not to see it, knew I smelled a rat, but since I looked and looked and found nothing, almost hoped I was just paranoid. The total lack of trust, and the fact she is now damaged goods, is paramount and foremost on my mind.

I wish my M was worth saving. I think my children would be better served in a 2 person house, but I feel, she has already left, in fact has already started telling everyone she knows we are getting a D like she just won the lottery.

I may have to let her get her D, but if she won't give me kids, we're going to fight, which is not what we want.

I'm ranting again. You can't really save a M that one of the 2 refuses to do anything about, right? It is already in the light, my suspicions of her additional contact with him, and in its infancy, and needs a bit more facts before I expose it... does that make sense?


"Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will." - John Macdonald

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