How d oyou change title?

(((((nc))))))

Withdrawal..moreso GRIEF..with your FWW...

She strikes me as experiencing this just as I did when I loss my loved ones to death...just like I felt when my then WH left me...she is GRIEVING..DEVASTATED..and sadly you have to watch it...

Oh, how I think that she will GROW TO LOVE AND VALUE YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS in the long run...

But for now, she is still IN THE FOG and she remains TEMPORARILY INSANE with her GRIEF, SORROW and DESPAIR...

My FWH has told me that it was a real turning point for him when he realized that he was acting "CRAZY"....

It's hard to face and accept how much they grew to "LOVE" the OP. Yes, I believe it was "LOVE"..not the kind of "LOVE" that we feel for our spouses but ROMANTIC LOVE it is/was....

You are observing her response to a BROKEN HEART....



You caught her bait and she was a RABID DOG already. Thankfully, you stepped in because she was liable to do something crazy that day. You spoiled some probable INSANE plans she had to try to STOP the WEDDING.



It will be helpful for you to learn how not to listen to her RANTING. JUST MEANINGLESS WORDS....OF A CRAZED PERSON....at that point...



This is all so SCRIPTED. This was a MAJOR FEAR of my H's..that I would "BEAT HIM UP" (with words) about the A. Your FWH is definitely FEELING GUILTY. She is BROKEN..like a told you..in a lot of pain. You are sharing EARLY RECOVERY with the FORUM and IT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT and PAINFUL to observe and experience the BROKEN WS. In my experience, it is NASTY, UGLY, DISGUSTING and PAINFUL...like an EXORCISM.....YUCK...

But if it helps at all, your experience is very similar to mine and today we are VERY HAPPILY RECOVERED...

You will see less and less of the WS and more of the person who FEELS AWFUL about what she has done to her family....



Wonderful! Wonderful! I so ADMIRE you for being able to do this for your wife, for the sake of your family..because I would think a large part of you wants to RUN...

No more talk and discussion with her about the PAST or the FUTURE..just comforting and soothing...STAY IN THE PRESENT.....stay in the MOMENT....What particularly lifts her mood?..What food does she like?....Any particular music?...WHAT USED TO PUT A SMILE ON HER FACE WHEN YOU WERE DATING?..something special about your courting days that only you two know about...

YOU ARE A REMARKABLE PERSON, HUSBAND AND FATHER!!!

NC007-

Well, if you know for sure that OM DID get married on Sat, that is good news. Hopefully that makes him unavailable for her...and lets your marriage work on healing.

Holding her, letting her cry herself out, etc... All very good things. That's all you can really do for her while she's in withdrawl. Try not to push the ILY's, flowers, etc... too much. I know its hard, but it can do more harm than good at this point. Let her FEEL the love by being there when she needs you...that's your best bet right now.


Ok...minor 2x4 coming next...
Remember what I said about forcing your WW to defend OM?!?!? QUIT making ANY kind of comment about OM at all, even when she asks for one!!! It will do you NO GOOD at this point. She fishes for things like this, in order to escalate it into a fight. That in turn helps her feel like what she's done was somehow justified.

Quit feeding that fire!!!

Right now tell her you don't care at all about OM. Your ONLY care and concern are for her, and for your son. If she talks about OM, about what he's feeling, etc...KEEP THE LIPS ZIPPED!!

Now...understand that I have no doubt that everything you said about OM is dead on the money. As I've heard here in the past..."Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

Hold off on talking about OM. Don't talk about what he feels, what he's going through, what you think of him, etc... Just remain quiet when that subject comes up. If she asks your opinion, remain non-committal. If she keeps pushing, tell her that you really don't feel like discussing your opinion on the subject. Again, keep your calm. And keep trying to steer the subject back on taking care of HER.

It gets old, but it's the best way to help her and your marriage right now, at least IMVHO. Just stick to the idea of healing her right now, and taking care of your son. It'll make sense as time goes on.

Saturday nite,

She came home solemn, sad and wanted to be left alone. I made her some Chinese food (shrimp fried rice) served with cranberry juice.

I stayed in the living room and watched some DVD with DS and relaxed. Later when she was alone I got her water and sat beside her saying nothing. She said “ I feel like if it wasn’t for our DS she would have committed suicide” life is just too hard for her to live now. All men are wicked and she had to deal with them her whole lifetime.

I told her that she doesn’t see it now but the depression she is feeling now will soon fade in time and she needs to just take it one day at a time. I love her and I am not going anywhere but to be by her side.

I allowed her to ramble on about her sorrows and lost love(yuck). I told her good night and wake me if she needed to talk.

Sunday Morning.
This morning she came to bed about 4:30 – 5:00 am. I got up later and made a five course breakfast. When I came into the bedroom(served her breakfast in bed). I saw the book SAA on the bed beside her but she was sleeping(I think)

As I gave her breakfast an propped her up, I started to make the bed when she replied “ I am sorry that I am not much of a wife” (CAN I SAY WOW!).

I told her that one day she will. She said that she doesn’t know how. I Said to her first lest start being friends that care and protect each other then let time do the rest. I love her and that we will make it. Just take it one day at a time.


Then DS cam in and jumped on me.

End of that conversation. I told WW that I will take DS out and that she will have time to study and otherwise. She thanked me and smiled.

Please pray for me because maybe my W peeped put this morning and I don’t know when she will submerge again into the FOG that cursed FOG.

Any input on how to help WW? Still plan A and Pray (thank God for my small relief).

God bless MBers always. While we may not be perfect, the heart more than make up for it. You are all my Family as long as I live.

So family……………. what do I do now?

mimi hi.......luv ya. how is the H doing? at work, will catch up with you all later.

I love your guidance.

will comment later.

One luv.

Jamaica.

Owl,

Thank you , thank you Thank you.

NO MORE DISCUSSION ABOUT THE OM.

IT was hard listening to her last nite though. with all her thought of wanting to commit suicide if it wasnt for our DS. and how someone stole the OM from her life (where is that DARN BARF BAG WHEN YOU NEED ONE?).

We were watching TV when she said "sorry for dragging my life into her mess" and how she was always in love with OM and now he is gone.

Owl......do i reassure her? I said " Look i am your gardian angel and i am not asking you to love me, i am asking you to dont expect me to stop caring about you.......i understand what you are going thru."

WW said that it is funny.....she cant share these feeling with anyone else except me! (go figure)

Still sounding like a victim though.

I am helping her with her assignments for her business degree. I take care of DS. I want to project care for her at this point ......sometimes i am not sure how i am to do this.

I will keep the mindset of HEALING her and her alone right now. Just need the instruction manual to do that.

And keep my sanity at the same time.

I know that this may be a strange question Owl. but is it worth it?....all this effort? do they get it at the end? You are there. I guess i would love a preview to the finish line.

Nuff Luv.

Mimi,

>>>>>>>>>No more talk and discussion with her about the PAST or the FUTURE..just comforting and soothing...STAY IN THE PRESENT.....stay in the MOMENT....What particularly lifts her mood?..What food does she like?....Any particular music?...WHAT USED TO PUT A SMILE ON HER FACE WHEN YOU WERE DATING?..<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

i need a "mans guide to comforting and soothing broken heart women"

I know that she loves lobster and crabs.(seafood lover)

I know that the OM gave her a CD of "Oletha Adams" so i am shying away from the music. what do you think?

Making her cards of large and small sizes use to light up her face. I am doing that of late and it is probably overdone.

I feel like i have to be totally reprogrammed and will assume to know nothing.

Just want to be a good friend , lover, father, soulmate to WW.

Mimi i pray one day she will get it.

thanks for looking after me a total stranger.......somehow you feel like family.

NC007-

Guess I'd give you one more thing to think about in this...

If the future comes up in discussion while she's still in withdrawl, simply tell her that right now your goal is to help her heal...and once she's done that, THEN the two of you can discuss where to go from there.

In truth, when she starts coming out of that withdrawl, it's then that her focus will likely turn back to you, and all this hard work begins to pay off. She'll SEE what you've been doing all this time. She can't see it now, because it'll mean that all the pain she's put everyone through is all her fault. It IS...but right now she's just like a kid who can't accept the responsibility for her actions.

Is it all worth it?

Only you can answer that question. Only you know your wife well enough to picture what kind of marriage you can have with her after this. I'll tell you that time and work CAN fade your hurt to a point where it's not on your mind all the time, every day. And when she starts returning that love, it's all the sweeter for having been through what you have.

I don't know you well, nor do I know your wife or what kind of relationship you two have shared prior to all of this. You do...and you can use that to help figure out what kind of future you want to have with her.

I can't say that everything is perfect in my relationship. But I can say it's NOTHING like it was just prior to or just after the affair.

For me, it was worth the work to heal my marriage. And even if something happens to end our marriage tomorrow, I'll know that I did my part.

It's all up to you friend.

I SOOOO AGREE with OWL on this.

My H called to say something to this effect to me this morning.."Our bond is so close because of all that we have been through together"..Oh, how I wish that we could have gotten CLOSER some other way..but THIS IS OUR LIFE....

You're right. I would hold back on the music.

The seafood sounds like a good idea.

Sounds like she loves for you to hold her..put your arm around her shoulder as if in protection (I love that)..a shoulder to cry on....LOTS OF AFFECTION....

(((((NC, MY BROTHER)))))

Please keep posting everyone. I'm in almost the same sitch as NC and my ww is saying just as hurtfull things as NC's. I'm learning so much from this post. NC - it is very hard to hear ww talk about OM - the "I love him and he loves me" [censored]. I don't want to thread jack - just wanted to say I feel your pain and please keep posting on all sides.
thank you all for helping us BS out
M2L

M2l ,

Welcome to my porch, its good to have you dont worry about thread jack, i am learning just like yourself. infact i dont mind getting TJ by a couple FWW to help me thru this mind field.

Mimi do you think holding her is reassuring or pressuring for her? I mean i dont mind trying, i dont want to LB her or drive her away with my affection. how and when do you recommend this?

just want to thread very very carefully. She is trying to find out if i am OK when i look sick. or if i am going out. This morning she was hungry so i drove by and got her some Island grill(your Wendy's).

She was surprised and looked happy. She also told me about her workday. i want to be there for her then not overbearing. Mimi, Owl M2L Ms.W i am just feeling that i can make it.

In fact i know that i can (at least for now)......

take care till tomorrow. Leaving work now.

Nuff Luv from Jamaica

NC

Good morning family , just checking in.

I would think that she would find this to be reassuring if done at a time when you sense that she needs this.

Speaking as a woman but not as a FWS, I think we have a STRONG NEED to FEEL LOVED by our man and that is done through NURTURING (feeding..like you are doing) and AFFECTION. Physical affection can easily be done subtly.. with LIGHT TOUCHES on the hand or arm when talking to her..arm around her shoulders, etc.

You are doing GREAT!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

WW told me about money she borrowed from OM to help with her tuition.

We are not in a position to pay that back now. and even then i dont know how to handle things like that.

Any advice?

Next.....this morning she was a little more talkative and when i was coming out of the car i kissed her on the cheek and then looked into her eyes, said goodbye then we leaned over together and she kissed me on the lips!

maybe i am making too much of a big deal out of this.

Just that it feels good this morning. Still plan A right?

Owl i was looking for your stich in recovery and couldnt find it..how about a link?

basically i figured out what happened...We were having communication problems and lot being very loving to each other, no protection of each other feelings, needs , etc.

So she went to OM and started the A. He was 4 months out from getting married and i figure WW thiught that with enough SF and outings, Sharing her Birthday and resort, beach trips with him, He would leave his GF. It didnt work and here she is now.

That's it in a nutshell.

I honestly dont want to know the details now, probably never. i dont know......... i just want to built a GREAT MARRIAGE. and show her that i really do care. Also leave an example for my DS to follow.

So there it is.............

PS....she kissed me on the mouth.


Just feels good.

later family.

Hi mimi,

Will start to look at how to display more affection in a non sexual wway.....thanks again.

now where is that Damnnnnn manual?

Light touches.......got that.

Is a hug from behind too much?

Mimi......i can be a bit dense........tell me the do's and dont's for AFFECTION at this stage again please?

I so badly want to hold her.......It feels like a surging tide.

Sounds like she's LEADING on the AFFECTION..just FOLLOW her LEAD. She will probably LIKE that.

I think it's a good idea to call her just to CHAT...ask her how she is doing..what she is doing..meaningless CHIT-CHAT.

I would leave that TUITION stuff alone...and assume it was A GIFT..may be her strategy to make contact with him.

The WS is still there in this EARLY STAGE....

Do you have HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS by Dr. Harley? It's a great resource.

I just picked up and turned to the AFFECTION Chapter and found this on p. 42. I'm quoting straight from the book.

Here are a few habits that go a long way toward helping you become an affectionate husband:

* Hug and kiss your wife every morning while you are still in bed.

* Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together.

*Kiss her before you leave for work.

*Call her during the day to see how she is doing.

* Bring her flowers once in a while as a surprise...

He goes on with suggesting more of the same throughout the day including kissing goodnignt.

Sounds like neither you nor I were off course...

no dont have his needs her needs. gotta go to the book store, when i have enough resources. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Will take what you have shown me so far as gospel.

thanks mimi. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

NC-

Here's your link...don't mind the last few pages of garbage on that post.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

As far as the 'loan'...

It's up to you. My wife faced something kinda similar...OM had bought her the plane tickets to go live with him when I confronted them on d-day.

When she DIDN'T get on the plane, she wanted to pay him back for the money he lost on those tickets.

I thought about it, and agreed and paid it back STRAIGHT...it put us into a lousy financial situation for the next two months, but I decided I'd rather deal with that than to have ANY excuse for any kind of contact again with OM. Now, this was BEFORE she'd agreed to NC...but I was already planning out the future.

Get an idea?

Good news on the kiss. I agree with the advice to follow her lead on that stuff...but also realize she's on as much of a rollercoaster ride as you are right now. She's going to flop back and forth on this a LOT...prepare yourself for that to minimize your own pain and potential to LB because of it.

I'm going to butt in and ask a question that I'm curious about.

If your kissing your ww and showing affection to her when she is not in love with you, if she kisses you and doesn't have good feelings from it won't that make her decide even more that she should move on without you?

I hope that made sense.

If everytime nc007 kisses her and she tries to kiss him back, what happens if she doesn't get that emotional feeling like he has?
Will that tell her that things are over?

I've seen this kind of thing on other threads here and was just wondering what fww's thought about it.

FWW's chime in here please.

I want to see nc007 succeed here (and I think he will)but I wan't to know some thoughts on this.

Hope this helps nc007

JS