Well done, Scotty

I commend you for your courage in telling the OMW today, even as I have tightness in my chest for what that young mom is going through right now, with two tiny ones she still needs to care for. I was her. But my d-day turned a corner in my life and I hope it will for her, and for you as well. I am equally sad for you and what you are going through. You are doing so well, better than a lot of newly anihilated BS that I read on here (I am mostly just a lurker), really reading and applying what you are learning. You will be successful no matter what the outcome because you are tenacious and persevering and level-headed.

I truly believe it is all about having a plan and executing it. I tell anyone who asks what our success was that it was all about having a plan and walking each day in that plan.

Hang tough and listen to the excellent people giving you advice. It will get worse before it gets better, but you are strong and in a great place for support and you will make it through the next part.

God Bless

Just got a call from WW. She said that apparently somebody stopped by and told OMW about the affair and asked if it was me. I told her it was. I told WW that OMW had the right to know.

WW stated that OM was setting up a counseling session so that he could tell OMW in an enviroment where she might not take it so hard. Apparently OM had called his mother and his mother gave him that advice. Likely that OM is just telling WW what she wants to hear so that he can string her along as long as possible. Although I feel horrible for OMW, I don't feel sorry for that guy in the least.

This is the same a_hole who called me two weeks prior to my D-Day and invited me to go with him and his friends to a out of town college football game for the weekend. He is having an affair with my wife and he wants to hang out with me? We were never friends so it's not like he had to continue a fake relationship with me. Must have gave him some sort of rush seeing how far he could push the envelope.

Anyway, I don't feel bad for him and I'm not sorry I told her as I think there is a strong possibility that he didn't even intend to. I'm sure WW told him that I would never tell her, but if he wanted to be the one to do it he had his chance.

Suprisingly, WW did not yell and scream like she did yesterday when I moved back in. She stated that OM has cut off all contact with her (although I don't really believe her), that he might have to quit his job, and that she hopes that I am happy. I had to resist telling her "damn right I'm happy." She said "I guess you break all your promises" - I really had to bite my tounge because I almost said "what, like...for better or worse, or to death do us part." I didn't respond and she ended the call. She then had leech friend call and say that leech friend was coming over after work at 11:30 tonight becasue WW needs contact solution and her phone charger. Leech friend said that WW was really mad, but I expected worse. Perhaps that is yet to come.

Scotty

So sez a liar and a cheat. She would "take it hard" in any environment, but we do know for sure that the OM was not concerned about her well being in the first place or he wouldn't have been ****** around. I doubt he was setting up any such thing and it is doubtful that he would have ever told her. If he did, it is unlikely she would have ever heard the full truth. She would have heard whatever story the OM chose to tell her. A "story" devised by a liar and a cheat.

So, it is much better this way all around. Your contact also gives her an ally in this war against the affair and ensures she is told the truth.

Keep up the good work! You are ruining her affair!

The contact solution and charger can be replaced. You s/b unavailable. There is no environment that lessens the pain of exposure. Stupid OW and WS.

As for her guilting you about broken promises, that's fog babble so don't take it seriously.

Keep your clear mind and calm heart. If you don't want to deal with the WS and any leech friends, then don't. You have not agreed for the leech's friends t/b the intermediary have you?

Don't let her call the shots. She can for herself but she can't force you t/d her bidding. Remember that!!!

Glad you exposed. Let OM's W know we can be here to help if you don't mind her reading info from MB (you could mention about the SAA book).

take care,
L.

Cudos Scotty... job well done. When the OM's W is informed, like you have done, and both you and her keeping watchful eyes on your spouses, the chances for further contact is diminished. That doesn't mean it will just stop, but it is going to have to take place well underground, unless they take the "who cares" approach.

Now, consider the second layer of the onion. Workplace exposure. Again, if they continue to work together, that contact, even if "casual" will keep her from experiencing a complete withdrawal. Hopefully, one or the other can transfer to another location, and no one will lose an income.

Let her stew in her own juices for a couple of days now, without any relationship talks. Know that whatever comes out of her mouth for a while will be fog-speak, and little else. Let her know that you are of a mind to prepare your heart for forgiveness and are willing to do your part in search of a stronger, happier, more fulfilling marriage, and all you ask if for her to consider it.

Continue to post with new developments, and post here for continuous advice and suggestions. You have approached this with an open mind and a positive attitude, which are both key in achieving good results. Everything is going according to the MB playbook, but the only thing we can't take away is the pain. But many of us are BS's and we do understand how difficult it can be to muster the strength and focus to move forward. Again, cudos for your courage!

Best wishes,
SD

Great job Scotty,

Now it is time to work on you. What were your hang ups in your marriage? What could you make better about you? This makes you a better person and something to focus on also.

Keep posting.
M2L

Scotty-I'm so proud of you for exposing to OMW. Wasn't it a rush? I told you it would be hard, but it was truly the best thing you could have done to save your M.

Hang in there--you're a much stronger person than I am/was in your position with an excellent, calm head on your shoulders. I don't know why you looked to me for inspiration!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Excellent Work Scotty! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Keep it up!

Exposed to OMW - Check <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Moved back to marital residence - Check <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Start of Plan A - Check. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


You're doing great Scotty. You are no longer enabling her affair and are activly resisting it. You didn't let youself get sucked into a fight (you did realize she was setting you up for that didn't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).

Have you taken a look at Orchid's Reverse Babble link yet? I think you'll find it quite interesting and usefull. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Keep in touch with OMW. She will be a key ally in this fight for you. OM has a LOT to loose at this point. He may very well tuck his tail between his legs and scurry back to his BS to "work on their marriage". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

If we're lucky this will bust up the affair! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> It seems that affairs are not as much fun when everyone knows about the adultry (who knew???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).

Good job Scotty! The "Hot Air Balloon" of the fantasy just had a hole ripped in it by reality.

Destabilizing the affair is step one, and you've done that.

The OM has "other problems" to deal with right now, like pending alimony and child support for at least 18 years, to say nothing of potential college education and medical insurance premiums. REALITY really can "suck" at times, but it can also be a terrific ally in the "war" on infidelity.

The strings of the affair are unwraveling, but it will take time yet. Steel yourself for the "long haul" and stay in Plan A behavior. Right now your wife is still fighting reality, but before long the "light of day" that you have brought into their shadowy secret will begin to reach her. When that happens you'll know it, because she will start waffling back and forth, sometimes "good to you" and sometimes "mean as a shrew." Kicking the addiction takes time, but unless the OM is willing to bear his part of the "consequences," she won't be able to get her "needs" met by him either.

Stay loving, but firm in your resolve, during this coming difficult time.

God bless.

Scotty, I maintain my strong recommendation that you call the MB counseling center ASAP!

That being said, tsunami, or WMD, exposure is better in cases with WS addiction than measured, concentric or creeping exposure.

Good job moving back home too. Stand your ground.

Good luck,

Scotty,

Just want to chime in with my congrats and admiration for you as you stayed calm and collected while almost biting through your tongue concerning the "breaking of your promises"

Now just hunker down until the sh*! storm subsides.

krk

I appreciate all of the help and advice that I have been given here. I look at my original plan to give my wife time and space so that she would realize what she had and I see just how wrong I was. I was just enabling her affair and while the affair continues she is not even going to consider what she is giving up to pursue it. Getting advice from people who have not only been through it themselves, but have helped countless others through the same thing is invaluable. I know know that I have crippled the affair by exposing it. I can only hope that OM will decide to break it off for good because WW has shown just how deep in the fog she is and to what lengths she will go to continue it.

This is going to be the hard time for me. Hunkering down and hoping that she comes to her senses is so hard. She has already shown that she will contine this affair without giving me another thought should the OM allow it. When she came home and packed up her bag on Friday after I moved back in I could feel the hate that she was resonating towards me. I know that it is common for the WS to do that when the affair is threatend, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I haven't heard from WW since Saturday night when she called to ask if it was me that exposed to OMW. The very next morning she went out and found an apartment to rent; obviously living with me is not an option for her right now. She has Wednesday off and will be moving then.

I hope that she is talking with her family. I have had to more or less go dark with her family because they don't want to give WW the idea that it is everybody vs. her. I understand where they are coming from and just hope that they will be able to get through to her. But the fog is deep. Even if our marriage is over, I pray that she doesn't abandon her family. They are good people and they love her very much.

In that brief phone call on Saturday night, WW stated that OM was cutting off all contact with her and mentioned something about him possibly having to quit his job. But I can't really give anything that WW says to me right now a lot of credence. I gave my card and cell number to OMW, but have not heard anything further from her.

So I guess all I can do is sit and wait. It will be hard to have any sort of effective Plan A if WW cuts off all contact with me. And it will be hard to tell if she truly has cut off all contact with OM when she is off living on her own. There are still things that I can work on to better myself and make myself a better husband, and I will try to do those things.

My phone was on off as I was in Court. WW called and left a message stating that she just wanted to give me a heads up that she was going to see a lawyer tomorrow as she didn't want to blindside me like I blindsided her the last couple of days.

I'm shaking. I am so mad right and hurt right now. Ten years; just like that. She is taking the dagger that she stuck in my heart and is twisting it to get the full effect.

Do I call her back and say anything? I'm afraid that I won't have the gumption to hold my tounge or to try to reason with her.

If she does follow through, do I drag it out and contest it? Seems like that would just piss her off more.

Yes...

You drag the divorce, if any, out...gives her a chance to come around and incur the full consequences for her actions. Rock Bottom has a way of doing that. Do not protect her by making it easy. She has no biblical right to divorce you and by delaying it you just may save her, if and when, she decides to reconsider and reconcile.

IF OM ends it she'll be in withdrawal.

It will take about a month of no contact for her to BEGIN to remove her head from it's current location.

It's potentially GOOD that you are separated because a wife in withdrawal is NOT a fun creature to be around.

Try not to let her clean out the house/apartment of all your JOINT stuff. The court needs to handle the division of marital assets. The less comfortable she is in her new apartment the better. After she moves out you should start some redecorating. It's a good use of your time and energy and it drives the separate wayward nuts (though she is unlikely to raise a hoot about it). Is it a jointly owned home? Keep receipts as you may be able to get the money back on the sale of it as improvements made for a potential sale. You may also consider putting up a for sale sign at some point (just keep the asking price high).

Don't talk divorce/separation with her. Only speak of reconciliation. Hide behind your lawyer for all the things in response to any pleadings you receive. It's not YOU being so litigous, it's your darned agressive attorney...YOU just told him to pursue your interests to the fullest extent of the law and leave you out of it as YOU are fully engaged in trying to SAVE the marriage.

If you get the chance to speak with her, invite her out for the night. Keep trying to get her to talk to you. YOU LISTEN. Meet her need for communication. Don't try to teach her, lecture her or discuss the relationship at all. Just try to have fun...LIKE a date. Let her do the talking if and when she chooses. TRY to reestablish a friendship. Maybe send her flowers or something in the near future with an invitation to meet. Use HER likely desire to end things "friendly" against her (at some point later you will reveal that YOU will never be friends with her if she ends up following through with the divorce). Reveiw the Do's and Don't list I posted on the thread I referred you to earlier on the Just Found Out board.

Until then, take care of yourself. Eat right. Work out. Get in shape. Get a new haircut and a tan. Buy some new clothes and always look your best and act happy when you are around her. Hopefully you will eventually get the opportunity to attract her back to you. Be the best you can be to make that possible.

It's NOT over.

YOU are going to make it. Plan A is much about YOU and preparing YOU for reconciliation or moving on to Plan B when you are ready. She's crazy right now....YOU are the only one that MAY be able to save this. Give it your best shot by continuing to follow the principles outlined herein. Call the Harleys if you can.

Godspeed,
Mr. Wondering

Scotty,
First off, I'm sorry you have to be here. However, you have done a great job so far of ending the A and exposing it.
Hang in there.

I'm not as good with the advice as some of the others here, but just wanted to remind you that she is in DEEP FOG.
DEEP.

Dont believe a thing she tells you. She is only trying to push your buttons, say anything, blame you, so that YOU react, and she can point the finger back at you and say "see...this is why we cant work out".

Reverse Babble. Read up on it. Do it. Practice it. It works.

Let her go to the Lawyer. My bet is that she is full of it. She is just trying to P' you off right now.

Plan A your butt off...but dont come across as needy, desperate or hurting.

Good luck. You are doing a great job. Its NO FUN to be the BS...and there are many ups and downs. Get ready for a bumpy ride my friend.

Now listen, don't get upset by this and DO NOT REACT. Just because she says she called a lawyer means nothing. This is her emotional reaction to your interference in her affair. She is hoping to SCARE YOU into inaction. Don't let it sidetrack you. You are not divorced until you are divorced.

Like MrW said, you drag this out and do not cooperate with anything. Make her fight for each and every thing. That will slow her down and cause her to think twice about what she is doing. The reason is because her affair will blow over, but a divorce is forever. just tell her you don't do divorce, you will only discuss recovery. And then smile and change the subject.

You are fine, just calm down and stick to your plan. Have you exposed the OM at work yet? I would get this tsunami out of the way now, if possible so you can start doing the other steps in Plan A.

What about her parents? Have they been told about the affair? Did I already ask you this?

Ok, I've tried to calm down. I wanted to call her back but I waited as I didn't want to make a rash decision and say something that I would regret later.

I did call and talk to her sister. Sister said that WW has been talking with her family, with the exception of her dad. Family is trying to get her to hold off and take some time to think about it, but WW is not thinking rational and like Mel says is reacting to her anger.

WW also changed her work schedule. Sister said that OM called WW told her that he is cutting off all contact. OM likely took a glimpse into the future considering kids, wife, etc.. and bailed on WW. That obviously made her mad and she is now trying to take that anger out on me. Whether she follows through is another question.

I got home and WW had been here this afternoon and cleaned out her closet. Her wedding ring has been sitting on the dresser since Friday when she packed her bag and went to her friends house. She didn't try to run off with all of our stuff nor would I expect her to. As an attorney who practices some family law, I've seen some heated battles over some pretty petty stuff, but I don't think we are going to have that problem if divorce eventually comes to fruition.

If she does follow through and file papers, I can drag it out a least a few months. Hopefully the fog will have had a chance to start clearing by then.

With respect to exposing to work, I think I'm going to wait until I talk to OMW again. When I tell her that my wife is already going in to see a lawyer to file divorce, she is going to hav to put the hammer down on OM. I think OMW will likely make him quit his job, or will have to expose to work herself knowing that I have no influence of WW. Exposing to her work I think would be the straw that broke the camel's back right now. Not saying that I won't do it if OMW doesn't, but I think I should give her that chance first. Although it does make me mad that WW is telling her bosses and coworkers that she and I have separated, but I'm sure she isn't telling them why.

Thanks for listening, and thanks for calming me down.

Scott

Do you think the OMW would come here and allow us to help her? [and could you trust her to not bring her WH?]

Scotty, have you had a good marriage before this affair? What do you think led to this?

I don't know if OMW would come here or not, and I don't know her well enough to trust her. That being said, I have got so much help here that it would be extremely selfish of me to not share that information with her and give her the same opportunity. I will do that when I talk to her again. Speaking of which, should I take the initiative and contact her again, or should I wait for her to call me (don't know that she will).

We did have a good marriage before the affair. We were young when we fell in love, but we were in love. We didn't make as much time for each other as we should have the first three years of our marriage as she was in pharmacy school and working purd near full time and I was in law school and working. her mother and I tried to get her to cut back on the amount that she worked, but she wouldn't listen. My biggest concern in our marriage was that my wife wasn't physically attracted to me anymore. It was the small things that I would say and do that she would not return. But I didn't really think that there was something major wrong with our marriage (although I can see some signs in retrospect)

After D-Day, she wrote me a letter and told me that she doesn't think she was ever in love with me. Looking back and reflecting I know that was just WS babble. Even if you asked her today, she would tell you that this wasn't a result of anything that I did, or didn't do. I admit that I contributed to the complacency of our marriage over the last year or so, but I've always treated her well and have been there for her during some really tough patches in her life.

We were planning on having a baby and starting a family. I've been wanting to for a couple of years now but she wanted to get her "party" out of her before she settled down because she didn't give herself the time to do it while she was in school. I should have been more disapproving of all the drinking and late nights, but I didn't want her to resent me because I didn't let her have her fun before we had kids. Even when I look back to the months preceeding D-Day, I can think of multiple times where she gave me every reason to belive that she was happy. There were also signs that she was not happy, but like I have said I did a fantastic job of convincing myself that there was nothing wrong.

What do I think led to this? I wish I knew. My guess is that my wife felt like her life was getting stale. Because she married so young she is afraid that she is missing something in life. After she finished pharmacy school and entered the work force, she may have felt that she didn't have a clear cut goal that she was working on. She has a classic restless soul. My dad made an analogy that really struck home with her. It's like she is really hungry...she goes to the fridge to find something to eat... but nothing looks good. She doesn't know what she wants with her life. Perhaps she needs time away from me to realize what it is she wants. I do know that she won't be able to find what she wants as long as the affair is consuming her life. Then again, I'm a lawyer with a business degree and I am having a hard time understanding how she could do this to me, keep it from me for so long, yet still wanting to have a baby and go on living the lie.

Like I was telling my law partner today, short of having kids I had everything that I ever dreamed of. My own law practice, a nice house near the golf course, a smart, beautiful wife...I had it all. And now I'm in the middle of trying to pick up the broken pieces and make it through the next tomorrow.

Scotty

Scotty,

It truly is no fun being the BS. I'm a BH with two small kids so I know it is HARD.

Don't yell or complain to your wife. Vent HERE to us and at us. You do need someone to talk to and it CAN"T be her. I know you want to turn to your wife, but right now she is not your wife. She is in there and you have to do the work to pull her out. It will take time.

Keep posting
best wishes,
M2L