Well, I called and spoke with the director of the HR to try to set up an appointment to meet face to face.

The director was going to set that up, but when I asked to have the director of the pharmacy in the meeting as well she decided that she needed some additional information before meeting with me.

So I broke it to the HR director over the phone. Was not ideal but the only choice that I was left with. I was prepared for this possibility as these are busy people and some husband of an employee wanting 10 minutes for a face to face was far from a sure thing.

So, here is what the HR director said. For privacy issues (read this to say 'the hospital will be looking out for its own [censored] here') there is nothing that we can do unless her conduct is interfering with her job performance.

I explained over the phone that I was not informing them for the purpose to get them fired, but that I felt that the hospital had the right to know what was going on and I was doing what I felt needed to be done to save my marriage.

She said that she will call the director of the pharmacy and inform her of what I stated, but reiterated that nothing can be done unless there is something that THEY notice that is affecting her job performance. Again, they are concerned about liability and I understand that.

I told her that I would be following up with the certified letter. She stated that was fine to go ahead and do that, but the hospital would still be in the same prediciment. She did ask for my phone number which I provided to her.

I did ask her if the letter would ever be shown to OM or WW should the hospital find any conduct that they do need to do something about. HR director said highly unlikely.

But I have done it. Although it is not exactly how I envisioned it, and was not the response that I was hoping for, the HR director is going to tell the director of the pharmacy and now at least the head honco in the pharmacy, and possibly other upper management, will be in the know.

I did tell OMW that I would give her the curtesy of calling her and letting her know that I was going to expose to the hosptial. Given what I have been told, I don't think that it is necessary as even if something were to come from this, my involvement isn't likely ever to be known.

On the other hand, and I'm just thinking out loud here, maybe it would be better that OM knows that his boss knows, and that might give him some incentive to keep away from WW, despite the fact that his boss cannot call him on anthing unless there are performance issues.

Thoughts?

Thanks for sticking with me. What the heck do I do now? Again, thinking out loud. I need to go continue to work on me and be there for my wife to the extent that she allows me, right?

Scotty

Agree, and will be taking out the "if anything" language.

Mrs. W. Although I see where you are coming from with the shedding the light language, it IS the purpose of the exposure. They may not be familiar with MB principles but most people know that affairs thrive on secrecy. These are educated people who I am sure have attended classes, meetings, etc on this specific issue.

Anybody else think I should take out the shedding the light statement. They will think that there is some purpose of me exposing to them, there has to be a purpose. If I don't flat out tell them what the purpose is, aren't they going to likely think that my purpose is for revenge?

Just trying to decide exactly what to put in there. I have a couple of hours to finalize it but I want to send it today.

Scotty

Hey...dont tell everything to the OMW or even your WW. All they need to know is that HR knows. Period!

When they ask "well, what did they say? What did they say they will do?", your response is that they intend to meet wit hthe director of the pharmacy and go over this. But for privacy reasons, they could not elude to what they intended to do about it.

You know they are saying that they wont do anything. But OM, WW and OMW DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THIS! Let them think the hatchet is coming soon. Let them stew in their own juices, waiting for a call from HR to "come upstairs."

This is what exposure does. Work is now no longer a safe place for them. HR is watching. The pharmacy director is watching. And if you tell the OMW and WW...then they will knwo they are being watched. And they will fear that they are about to be canned (which should light a fire under the OM's butt to find a new job quickly!!).

Dont give all of the intel. Let their minds play fast and loose with this and believe something bad is gonna happen!

Good job!

Scotty...

Since the hospital is on CYA duty, I believe it is all the more important that your letter point out the likelihood of sexual harrassment lawsuits in these situations...DUH to them, huh? I would ignore what the HR director said and still ask what they intend upon doing...

Also DEFINITELY check out their website regarding the ethics, community, family commitment stuff and USE it in your letter...Put the onus on them with their words...

I would call OMW and let her know that the affair had been exposed at work...I would conveniently leave out the part about the job performance/tied hands stuff...Yes, it is GOOD for the infidels to know that they have been exposed...Exposure doesn't work it's magic without that key element...Exposure allows the affairees to see themselves through the eyes of others...Others see a sleazy affair-see? Also, it will let you know just how much talking your wife is doing to OM...As in does he tell her what has been done??? Bet he will...Chaos is what will ensue...GREAT, we want that where the affair is concerned!!! Consequences is what they need to feel...Play Big, Pay Big...

You did great in exposing this affair!!! Good for you!!!

Yes, be there for your wife...Have you filled out the EN Questionnaire from this site? Do so...Just guess where she is concerned and go about meeting as many of those needs as you can...Make her feel that you CHERISH her...Tell her you do...

Hang on, you are fighting the good fight!

Mrs. W

Maybe a follow up letter to HR director:

Dear HR:

I'm writing this letter to follow up todays (11-15-06) phone call about my wife and OM having an A at your hospital. It is my understanding that the hospital plans to do nothing to intervine in the A between my wife, who was trained and intructed by, OM unless it becomes a problem with their direct work.

I just want to make your position clear. Please let me know if your intention are otherwise.

Scotty

something along the lines of OM being above her in standing. Give the hospital something to think about and something they need to put in writing to you.

M2L

Okay Scotty, leave in the "shedding the light" part, but then add "because affairs thrive in secrecy"...It's kind of a sales features/benefits thing-you always explain the benefit of the feature to make sure it solidifies in the mind of the one you are explaining to...Truly the average joe doesn't get that affairs thrive in secrecy, even though it seems obvious-if they did, wouldn't you hear more about exposure? Education doesn't always mean common sense I'm sure you know...

Mrs. W

maybe look in the hospital for a mission statement. Most I've been in seem to have one in a hallway. See what it says about commitment to families. Use that if they have one.

M2L

Strongly agree with Mortarman that you let your wife, OM, and OMW know that this has been exposed at work only...keep the rest under wraps...As he says, "let them stew"!!!

Mrs. W

Did someone say "stew?" I'm hungry now!

Scotty,

So sorry about your situation.

To whom it may concern:

I write this letter as a concerned husband. My wife, WS, has been having an affair with another pharmacist, OM, for approximately the last two years. I love my wife, am committed to the vows that I made to her, and am doing what I feel is necessary to save my marriage.
Both Mr. OM's wife and myself are now aware of the affair and I believe that it is necessary the hospital know what is, or what has gone on with its staff, as the hospital is where the affair started and where both of them continue to work together.

I am not writing this letter out of revenge, spite, or jealously. I write this letter because I feel no contact between them is crucial step going forward.
I would like to know what the hospital intends to do about this situation.

Best Wishes

MB

So, should I just give OM and WW a copy of the letter that I am going to send the hospital, or do I call and actually tell them that I have exposed to the hospital?

I see the wisdom and the purpose in letting them think that the hospital may do something about it. After all, it is the perception of WW and OM that I need to be most concerned about.

I want to get this to WW and to OM ASAP before I start changing my mind again. I could deliver a copy of the letter to OMW. I could go home and see if WW's spare keys are still in her car and put a copy of the letter in there for her to find tonight when she gets off of work. What does everybody reccommend here?

I don't often post here anymore, but some cases draw my attention. Yours is one, but you're getting off the straight and narrow, Scotty.

Scotty, what's with this "I have to notify OM and WW before I take steps to kill this obscene affair once and for all?" Why in the world would you want to let them know about ANYTHING before you do it? Did they let you know before they decided to have an affair? Did OM let you know he was going to have a "counseling session" with WW?

Look, man. Things will NOT get better until you finish smashing the association between your adulterous wife and her partner in adultery. Just do this...and quit over thinking things.

Longhorn,

I am somewhat confused. I am sending a letter to the director of the HR, who has said that it will be shared with the director of the pharmacy, but that no action will be taken.

I think the advice I am getting is that ultimatley the desired effect of the exposure is not accomplished unless OM and WW know that I sent that letter. They will not know unless I make it known to them.

Thanks for taking the time to read and give advice. I appreciate all everyone here is doing for me.

Scotty

Here's my letter;

To Mr/Mrs ________

Thank for your time in taking my call the other day. As I stated in our conversation, I am a loving husband and father with no other agenda than to save my marriage and family. As I also mentioned, my wife,_________, has been actively engaged in an illicit and immoral affair with your employee, ________ since __________. From our phone call, I understand that it is the hospital's position that you can, nor will do anything to address this matter short of informing the Director of Pharmacy, unless the affair is or has affected either party's work.

I do understand the terrible position and predicament the hospital finds itself in as result of bad and otherwise selfish decision making by my wife and ________ to begin and carry on an adulterous affair at the hospital and beyond. From your stance,m I will presume that having an affair at the place of employment does not in anyway, shape or form violate any internal policies, rules of conduct, employee handbook rules or regulations and lastly any professional ethics or in any way could have impaired either's ability to effecitvely and safely serve the hospital's patients at large. I am equally certain that employees, my wife and ______ included, at your hospital are not encouraged nor do they routinely have examples to point to that would make others think that affairs are accepted or condoned as part of the workplace environment. Lastly, I am almost certain that this was _______(OM's) first affair with anyone at the hospital. Had it not been, I am quite certain that I would have no need to be writing you this letter as you would have dealt with this matter in the appropriate way prior to hearing from me.

So, in closing, thank you again for your time and whatever attention you deem appropriate to give this matter which is of grave importance to the ongoing survival of my marriage and family.

Regards,

Scotty,

didn't you say that your wife and OM have each changed their schedules to either see each other or not see each other? Doesn't that mean that it is effecting thier work already?

just putting it out there.
M2L

Excellent letter H&P...

Scotty, no need giving the other team your playbook-you don't give them the letters...A simple "WW, I am committed to saving our marriage and will do all that I can towards that...You should know that I spoke with the HR director regarding your affair with OM today."...She'll take it from there...you remain calm and stay on message...batten down the hatches for the storm...Call OMW and tell her you exposed and that she should let her husband know...tight lipped on the rest...

Longhorn, good to see you around...Howdy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Yes, I believe that was said, however, you NEVER trust the untrustworthy...INFIDELS LIE...

Mrs. W

Actually M2L...that was a good point...I spoke too soon...thought you meant that the affairees were monitoring themselves for no contact...My bad...sorry

Mrs. W

Pardner, you think they won't find out you sent a letter if you don't tell them? Nonsense. If you formalize the process of exposing to the HR...I believe it's called making a record in your line of work...then the HR can't ignore it. Since the OM has some supervisory responsibilities over your WW (if nothing else, shift scheduling) I suspect the HR and hospital administrator will smell a sexual harassment suit coming if they do nothing about it. The HR must respond in some way and the FIRST darn thing the HR will do is call the adulterers in (probably individually) to have a little chat about appropriate things and inappropriate things...like adultery in the workplace. The HR must get their side of the story, and neither OM nor WW will have any doubts about where the information the HR is working with came from. Believe me, Scotty, OM and WW WILL know pretty darn quick.

Look, the purpose of exposing at work is to add one more person (or persons) and another institution, to the list of individuals, etc., who can apply pressure on the adultery. That's it! The effect on the OM and WW are indirect and come from what the HR and pharmacy supervisor do, not what you do or say to your WW. You're NOT looking for a direct reaction from OM or your adulterous wife on the information that you're about to take some kind of action.

BTW, I have a niece who just got out of school and started earning a six-figure salary in a pharmacy the day after she took off the cap and gown. Do NOT worry either the OM or WW will be unable to find a job in pharmacology. That career field is booming right now.

Wanted to post the letter that I will be sending. I appreciate the advice that I stress the immorality of the affair and the possibility of the sexual harassment lawsuit, but I think, and my IC agreed, that in this case not that is not the best ave to proceed with.

Here is my letter:

To whom it may concern:

I write this letter as a concerned husband. My wife, WS, has been having an affair with another pharmacist, OM, for approximately the last two years. Both Mr. OM's wife and myself are now aware of the affair. I believe that it is necessary the hospital know what is, or what has gone on with its staff, as the hospital is where the affair started and where both of them continue to work together.

I am not writing this letter out of revenge, spite, or jealously. I am not writing this letter for the purpose of getting either one of them terminated. I write this letter to shed light on the affair as affairs thrive in secrecy. I would like to know what the hospital intends to do about this situation.

I love my wife, am committed to the vows that I made to her, and am doing what I feel is necessary to save my marriage.


Sincerely,



Scotty