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Scotty... you may see her beginning to peek out of the fog a bit right now. She may have finally got an up close and personal look at rock bottom.
That being so, she may want to come back to you immediately, or within the next couple of week. She may want you beside her while she seeks the help she needs.
Consider the Plan B option, and incorporate your last letter into a Plan B communication to her, but hold on in sending it for another week or so. But do stay somewhat dark with her in the meantime. This time period that she is stewing in her juices, and many very ugly realizations are staring her in the face. She may see things more clearly now than she has for months. Let her take a good look at herself in this state.
See how this next week or 10 days impacts her. Be prepared to send the Plan B letter if she emerges anything less than apologetic and remoresful, ready to get the help she needs, and agrees to do her share of the work to repair the marriage. If she's not there, go totally dark in Plan B, and start living your life for you, without the chaos and pain.
You will be fine, Scotty. It just takes time to get there!
Best wishes,
SD
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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I change my mind, go with SD's idea. Wait a little on the plan B letter.
M2L
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Scotty, Silverpool wrote this in a thread I found: 10 steps to a plan B letter
1.State that the WS actions with OP are have eroded your loving feelings for them and your number one priority is to protect the loving feelings you have for spouse. In order to do this you must separate yourself from their presence and contact so their actions cease to diminish your love for them.
2.State of intention to stay married to spouse.
3. Acknowledge own shortcomings in creating the marriage rift. (generally but factually)
4. State intention to keep children in original happy “two parent” marriage.
5 State intention to work with spouse to rebuild marriage better than it was before, to create a situation for both of you, so happy you will be completely fulfilled in the marriage.
6 State - separation. no personal contact for any reason - names of intermediaries of choice - if children in family - how to hand over children for visit through intermediary - financial - separation unless it is for children's needs. (sometimes you cannot keep them with you and have to pay support).
7. State intention to separate financial accounts if there are no children.
8. State conditions for rebuilding. NC with OP and NC letter to OP. Include job change, moving away, limiting (moderating) FOO contact and changing social circles if one or all of these is the only way to NC. Acknowledge that this will be hard for them and state your willingness to do anything to make this possible and to support them through the changes necessary.
9. No other way to see or talk to you. Do not make exceptions to the boundaries - (common sense - in life or death situations, they, intermediary or doctor would automatically contact you and separation would be put on hold)
10. Reiterate love for spouse and intention to be married to them for the rest of your lives. Hope this helps! MB
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SD and friends,
Although it did appear that WW had a brief escape from the fog, she emailed the new guy within a few hours of sending that email to me. She is using her work email address to email him, which she thinks is safe, but she has had me check it for her several times in the past and I had written down her log in information; her email can be checked remotely and I know that she has been in continuous contact with the new guy.
She wrote him an email on monday morning just saying that she was thinking about him but didn't really have anything new to say becasue they had talked so long the night before.
When I called her out on being an alcoholic in my angry email to her; she admitted that she was drinking to numb the pain and her guilt, but she said that she was planning on cutting down. Planning on cutting down, that seems classic WW / alcoholic babble.
She has told me and her family that she plans on going to see a counselor soon. I'm going to hold off on sending any Plan B type letter for now. Although it sounds odd, in my case I really feel like Plan D is imminent and probably necessary. WW has so much screwed up with her; she has to get healed personally before we could ever start working on rebuilding a M. Despite the ostensible cry for help response to my angry email, I don't think she is actually ready to make the commitment to heal herself personally, and I just cant wait indefinately on the hope that she does and then decides she wants the marriage.
Thanks for all the advice. As odd as it seems, I think a Plan B type letter after a Plan D would work best for me.
I don't know. I'll think on it and pray. And of course will take into consideration all of the great advice I get here.
Scotty
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I should also add there I have more or less been in a quasi Plan B since I confronted her about the new guy the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Other than the above referenced emails, I haven't had any contact with her. She hasn't tried to contact me either other than trying to get the divorce expedited. She seems to have had plenty of contact with the new guy though.
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Keep us posted, Scotty... we're all pulling for YOUR success, whether it includes a saved marriage, or not. That's the beauty of the MB philosophy, the self improvement and self healing.
I still think your WW is ready to crumble...FWIW...
SD
LOL..not typing very well...had cataract surgury this morning...
Last edited by shattered dreams; 12/05/06 06:10 PM.
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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Hi Scotty,
Did you get a chance to take a look at the plan B example letters? I really think it would help for your WW to see the boundries in black and white...don't you?
MB
************************************************************************
Each decision we make, each action we take, is born out of an intention.
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Scotty,
what's new? How are things in your world?
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Just wanted to post an update. It's been awhile. A lot has happend in the last couple of months. We had agreed to terms in the divorce back in early December. She then informed me on Dec 22 that she was renegging on those terms because her new IC told her that it was just a way to further punish herself.
WW has done some very crazy things lately. Still is drinking very heavily. Still is dating the new guy who she jumped into bed with when original OM dumped her. About a week ago, OMW emailed me and said that WW had called their home phone number at 2:00 a.m. wanting OM to tell her "why he did this to her." She followed it up with a three page letter to him basically saying how she was mad he never apologized for dumping her like he did and telling him how selfish he was. The nerve she has.
I have got to the point that even if she came crawling back there is no way I would take her back. With no kids, there has just been too much to deal with and I'm ready to move on. Our house is on the market and until it sells she is living in it; I moved back in with the parents. I don't mind, but the thing that really makes me mad is knowing that the new guy is sleeping in my bedroom. I have been so angry and bitter lately. Based on a lot of factors, I have had no contact with WW since late December when she told me she was backing out of our agreement.
I've been lurking a little lately. Thought I'd look into some of the stories I was following and give a quick update. Wanted to again thank everybody who helped me out initially.
Scotty
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Hey Scotty, Good to hear from you man. From what I read you are lucky to be out of that sitch. You have such a level head about you. Some woman will be lucky to be with you oneday. OM in your bed makes you feel bad. I can understand this, but hey, he has to deal with her now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> thanks for the update. Best wishes for you in your life.
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Scotty,
""WW had called their home phone number at 2:00 a.m. wanting OM to tell her "why he did this to her." She followed it up with a three page letter to him""
Drunken WWs....God help us.
I hope you can get this anvil from around your neck as soon as possiple and live the free life you deserve. What a weight will be lifted from you! A new life is in your future.
Stay totally dark in your plan B. Why contaminate yourself anymore? Any contact will only bring you down to her lowest level.
You must consider her gone NOW, then even thinking about the "poor ******" sleeping in your bedroom should not affect you. Let her and all her self-destructive behavior GO! Let it all drop from your shoulders.
******fatherless child
k
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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Hiya, Scotty!
Sorry things have developed the way they have. It's a terrible thing to watch, someone you once loved caught up in a downward spiral. Sometimes even the best efforts aren't enough.
You sound good, you sound strong. Take what you've learned here and plug it into the next relationship, and life will be good.
And a warning, when your W crashes and burns, either before or after divorce, she'll come back to you, in some way. Seems unbelievable, but it's almost a certainty. Seen it here before on many occasions. Just letting you know so it doesn't come as a complete shock...
All the best...
SD
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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Hey SD. Thanks for the reply. I guess I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to come back someday. The things that I have learned here WILL no doubt make my next relationship better. I was good a good husband, but there are always ways to improve.
Other than being really angry, I am good. I've been able to get back into work. I quit smoking a month before D-Day and have stayed off them. I've been working out 4-5 times per week and physically look better than I have in years. I have been sleeping, thanks mostly to the ambien CR.
I have been having plenty of days where I just want to exact some revenge. I daydream of publically calling her out and also calling the new guy's parents and telling them what I think of him. I mean, who dates a married woman who just broke up with the guy she was sleeping with on the side? Pathetic.
I just got another email from OMW. WW will not quit contacting OM and OMW and I think OMW was just pushed over the edge.
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Hey Scotty - Good to see your still around! I have been having plenty of days where I just want to exact some revenge. I daydream of publically calling her out and also calling the new guy's parents and telling them what I think of him. I mean, who dates a married woman who just broke up with the guy she was sleeping with on the side? Pathetic. Yes it is pathetic, and also immoral, sinful and unjustified! I can understand the anger and wanting to get revenge, I still feel like that at times too. Truth is, that would only add fuel to the fire and no one would be the better for it. Just know that you are the better person for not acting on those feelings. That doesn't mean you should disregard them, just don't act upon them. Anger is a signal worth listening to, I hope you are seeing IC to help you sort it all out.... Keep workin out and taking care of yourself! It does get better. MyBad ------------------- Sometimes a good exit is all you can ask for.
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Dude! Welcome back! her new IC told her that it was just a way to further punish herself WTF? Does this mean she is contesting? You can take that opportunity to subpoena OM1 and OM2 as material witnesses. Is adultery considered grounds where you live? Do they have alienation of affection laws? Stay strong and stay DARK...WW is poison.
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She then informed me on Dec 22 that she was renegging on those terms because her new IC told her that it was just a way to further punish herself. Maybe her IC should have suggested to stop f*cking men other than her husband instead. Seems to me that renegging was just a way to further punish you. You know, you should tell her parents that this IC she is seeing sucks. Her IC is just teaching her how to shield herself from the consequences of her actions instead of fixing what she has been doing wrong. Oh well, that is why they are ICs because they weren't smart enough to be engineers or lawyers.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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Mybad - Thanks for the reminder. I've been able to resist the temptation thus far to get some friends together and woodshed the idiot, but that would be stooping to their level. I must say it does sound fun though. I also want to call his parents and just let them know how pathetic their son is, but also probably not a good idea in the long run.
Bitbucket - it's a no fault state. My lawyer will be trying to get the first affair in as part of my maintenance claim in that WW was screwing him when we made the decision for me to quit my old job and start my firm. Judges here hate any attempts to bring marital misconduct into the dissolution proceeding, but in this case it think it is relevant. There are also some other issues that my lawyer will pursue very agressively that would involve WW's parents being subpoenead as well. I don't think WW will want any part of it when push comes to shove, but so far she hasn't responded to squat.
Jim - I couldn't agree more. I have already told her parents what I think of her IC. Problem is, her parents don't have a clue what to do and so long as she is seeing an IC I think that they see it is her trying to get help and a positive thing. Another problem is that the parents got the name of this IC from SIL's father, who is an IC in another city.
Thanks for looking in on me. I am finally to the point to where I can focus on work and have so much catchup to do I'm busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest. I'll be lurking around
Scotty
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Good to hear from you again Scotty
Sorry about your situation
She'll cave in to your demands when she realizes how painful pursuing more from you is going to be painful for her AND her affair partner(s). Throw a box full of interrogatories and subpoena's at them all at once...maybe a couple of days before the next settlement meeting.
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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