I don't know if I posted this on your thread already, or not, but you should get the book, "After an Affair", and read it, if not together, at least independently. It gives a very truthful account of what BOTH parties are going through, and some insight on how to deal with the mess left behind.

No Contact is extremely important, and withdrawal will take 6 weeks to 6 or more months, but as it takes place you will begin to see the LIFE you once could see in your wife's eyes.

Now is the time to lay low, avoid relationship talks, and begin to spend some time together doing things you both enjoy. Keep it light, and NO LOVEBUSTERS. Let any of the personal changes you have made in yourself as part of PLAN A shine through with no comments. Let her see your ACTIONS, and keep them in place.

Recovery is a rollercoaster all in itself, and is no less difficult than ending the affair. Remember this will take 2 years or more for the healing to take place, and you should not put much stock in any measure of progress until her withdrawal has diminished.

Don't appear needy, and don't lean on her. She will still want space to sort out her feelings. Allow her some of that space, but be mindful of her activities and whereabouts to make sure No Contact stays in place. Any contact she has with the OM will put her back to fully in the fog.

Be patient, be strong, and try to assume a position of thougtful indifference in your relationship while she withdraws. But make sure if she needs to "talk", you are there, and it is a safe environment for her to share her feelings with you. She will still use most anything you do or say to "justify" how "bad" you were as a husband, so that she could let her boundaries go, and enter into an extramarital affair. It's a tightrope walk, but many of us have done it successfully. You WON'T get through it without mistakes, and incurring her wrath, but when that happens, get up, brush yourself off, and start with renewed energy and faith.

Once you can see some "life" appear back in her eyes, it would be a good time to start some marriage counceling. The Harley's come very highly recommended, and get right to the heart of the matters. Please consider it.

Best wishes,
SD

Norm,

"" I can see that W is very sad and shocked at what is happening to two families.""

I guess that is a good sign. Some remorse and regret should be shown. Did she act like this the first 2 times???

She always seemed to be in "her own little world" playing these little games, with you and the kids on the very short end of the stick. How will things get to be any different?

""She has told the story to me and to OMW.""

STORY??? I do not understand this.

YOU stay strong and keep to that high road. You must be the rock for the kids.

krk

I am normaguy's wife and have been struggling with whether or not to post here. I could really use some advice, help and support. I just don't know where to begin. We have a session with Steve today.

I applaud the courage it must take to post here. I understand your situation. However, I am the betrayed husband (and my wife has only stopped contact one week ago). Your affair my truly hurt your spouse (I know that I was only sleeping 4 hours on and off a night and only eating about 1200 calories a day even though I weigh 225lbs), but you are hurting yourself more than you realize. Just ask all the former wayward wives out here. There are tons of stories of people who were just like you and are so happy that their husbands fought for them and made the changes necessary to make a happy and lasting marriage. You have got to realize that you can be happy in this marriage with a little work and that affairs are only temporary fixes to dull the pain. Look inside yourself. You can do the right thing. It may suck for a while, but with the proper work and determination you can be happier in this marriage than you ever were before. Congratulations on a great first step. I wish my WW would post here.

- Jim

You have taken the first step, by having the courage to post here. The next step, i believe, is to do what any first-timer here is told to do. Read all that you can on this site. Read the books 'Surviving an Affiar', 'His needs, her needs'. I read the book 'After the Affair' and it helped me, being the BS. The book did offer insights for both WS's and BS's, and could really help you right now.

Your family is very important. Exhaust every measure that you have to save your marriage. It will be worth it...

Normalguyswife,

You have already done something very imporant by coming to this site for help. We are here to "help" you, not condemn or judge you. We want you to have the marriage of your dreams with Normalguy and set an example for your children about perserverance, comittment, dedication, honesty, restoration and God's grace and power.

We will not tell you something that you want to hear. Don't expect that. But, in truth do you really want people around you who tell you what you want to hear or people who tell you what you need to hear because they CARE about you.
Don't take any truth shared with you as a flogging. We only speak the truth because we know that's what can set you free and put you on your way to a new and better relationship with you Husband.

Welcome aboard. Read here. There are betrayed men and women and there formerly wayward men and women with a lot to share. Pat yourself on the back. You have made a huge first step in coming here and sched. an appointment with Steve Harley. He is a great man and will help you tremendously.

NGW:

Welcome to MB. Lots of help for you here.

I was like you. You can move past this and have even a better Marriage with your H. I am proof of this.

First, What attracted you to the other men in your life? What did they give you that you felt you were missing? Dig deep.

Second, Stop your Affair and do not contact the other man.

Third: Tell your husband everything. Leave nothing out. The things you leave out are the ones that cause the most pain when they are finally revealed. And through this process, many times are revealed the issues in #1 that you were missing. And your Husband needs to be the one who determines how much he needs to know. Do not fear the pain it will cause him. He is already suffering from that pain. But like a wound, you can not continue to peel off the scab and think that the wound will get better. That's why you come clean. AND the lies will be discovered.

Fourth: You may think you are a awful person, and if you tell your Husband all the info required of #3, you will look even worse. Not true. You are not an awful person, you made bad choices. Continue to make these same bad choices, then you can become a bad person. But, you have come here to save your Marriage. Use this opportunity to do so.

More to follow, but you need to stick around.

You can do this, and it takes some work, but if I can do it, anybody can....

Hi NGW,

I'm a FWW, myself. Welcome. I'll be happy to talk to you. Maybe you should start your own thread?

How can we help you?

~ Marsh



*Lousy Golfer*

Will you please go to this thread, Karen could use your help.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=5

Hi NGW- I'm a FWW also, Marsh and I have earned our "F"s, along with lots of others (Mrs W, McBecca), and we'd love to help you earn yours too.

It seems like there is no recovery, but I know there is. You are so blessed to have a husband who is willing.

NormalGuy- hang in there. I just know what my BH is going through, and I truly feel for you. {{{HUGS}}}.

Just looked on who's on line, and I saw Dr. Harley reading this thread!

Steve Harley Administrator Administrator 11/15/06 03:26 PM Reading a post in flat mode
Normalguy's thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

I just want to thank my wife (normalgirl?) for taking the step of posting here and reaching out for help.

I don't know if I posted this on your thread already, or not, but you should get the book, "After an Affair", and read it, if not together, at least independently. It gives a very truthful account of what BOTH parties are going through, and some insight on how to deal with the mess left behind.

No Contact is extremely important, and withdrawal will take 6 weeks to 6 or more months, but as it takes place you will begin to see the LIFE you once could see in your wife's eyes.

Now is the time to lay low, avoid relationship talks, and begin to spend some time together doing things you both enjoy. Keep it light, and NO LOVEBUSTERS. Let any of the personal changes you have made in yourself as part of PLAN A shine through with no comments. Let her see your ACTIONS, and keep them in place.

Recovery is a rollercoaster all in itself, and is no less difficult than ending the affair. Remember this will take 2 years or more for the healing to take place, and you should not put much stock in any measure of progress until her withdrawal has diminished.

Don't appear needy, and don't lean on her. She will still want space to sort out her feelings. Allow her some of that space, but be mindful of her activities and whereabouts to make sure No Contact stays in place. Any contact she has with the OM will put her back to fully in the fog.

Be patient, be strong, and try to assume a position of thougtful indifference in your relationship while she withdraws. But make sure if she needs to "talk", you are there, and it is a safe environment for her to share her feelings with you. She will still use most anything you do or say to "justify" how "bad" you were as a husband, so that she could let her boundaries go, and enter into an extramarital affair. It's a tightrope walk, but many of us have done it successfully. You WON'T get through it without mistakes, and incurring her wrath, but when that happens, get up, brush yourself off, and start with renewed energy and faith.

Once you can see some "life" appear back in her eyes, it would be a good time to start some marriage counceling. The Harley's come very highly recommended, and get right to the heart of the matters. Please consider it.

Best wishes,
SD

(re-posted from above, because it's still relevant, and I didn't want it "lost" with normalguy's (F?)WW now posting)

Welcome Normalguy's wife...stick around...there is much to be gained, and little to lose by learning and growing with the rest of us here on the MB forums.

Best wishes,
SD

Norm,

""(normalgirl?)""

I don't think so. Nothin' normal about it.

Glad to see your wife posted. That is somewhat unusual. You are getting the best counseling, so that is in your favor.

Welcome NG's wife. I'm very sorry that all of this is happening right now. I know it must be very stressful for you. Hope you will continue reading and posting here.

Thank you all for welcoming me. Right now I just feel numb and I'm trying to deal with all that I've destroyed and all that I've nearly destroyed. Someone asked earlier what attracted me to others. That's a good question and Dr.Harley is helping me figure that one out. I'm devastated that I hurt my husband so much. He's so kind, loving and considerate. WHY did I do it??? HOW could I do it?? What kind of state was I in to let myself do these things??? I just want to help him heal and learn how to protect myself. How do I help him heal? How do I help myself cope with what I've done? Again, thank you all for being so kind and willing to help.

NG's W,

Glad to see u posting. Welcome to MB. The fact that you feel remorse and wondering is a good sign. Waaay better than the WS who thinks they've done no wrong.

Work with Dr. Harley and please give him our regards. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Keep posting and take care of yourself and NG. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hugz 2 u both.

L.

NGW - I’m so glad that you’re here. Everyone here seems great and has a lot of great advice. This is my first post but I’ve been reading for months now. Our situations sound so similar! I am a FWW who had a 7-month A with the man who lives directly across the street from us. After reading MB for a short time and trying to end the A three times over the 7-months (he kept coming back and I kept falling back into it), I decided to tell my H and OMW. They deserved to know and I knew that would put a final end to it. I’m glad that I did.

From my experience, you’ll go through so many emotions, especially living near OM. No contact is very, very difficult. It was easy to stop emailing and calling but hard to not “see” him since he’s directly across the street.

Our children (they have 3 and we have 2 all around the same age) used to play together all of the time. We used to spend time on weekends with them, etc. All of that is now ruined because of me. But, I still hold my head high and know that I can’t change the past. Try to remember that. You can’t change the past but can definitely change where your future is going!

For now, things will be hard. You’ll probably feel very uncomfortable in the neighborhood. I know I did. I was so worried the first few months wondering if anyone figured it out, etc. Just keep your chin up and know that those feelings will pass.

It’s been 5 months since D-day for us. I still wonder daily why. Why I hurt my family, OM’s family, etc. When I look back, I see a different person. That’s not me. That’s some WW who I don’t even know or want to know. My H and I have “graduated” MC and are more in love now than the day we were married. I absolutely never thought things could be this good. Your marriage can be like this also. A few things I did was to always account for my time (didn’t have an alone outing aside from work until just 3 weeks ago), took one or both of our DD’s with me when running errands so H wouldn’t need to worry about where I was going, gave him my email passwords, cell log, cell bill, etc. If you’re outside and OM goes outside, go back inside or to a different part of the yard. The main thing I learned is to be honest and very open with your H. Always keep communication flowing and you’ll be just fine. I’m proof. My H always told me he’d divorce me if I had an A. He spent 3-4 days after D-day questioning if he wanted to stay. After that, he decided he was staying and we were going to work things out. I’m so glad he did. Your H and my H sound a lot alike.

You are not a bad person. I am not a bad person. We just made really bad choices. But, if you’re committed, you can turn it all around and develop a wonderful relationship with your H. Good luck to both of you!

Norm and NormW,

Just checking in.

NormW I am glad you started posting here. You will learn a lot.

To let you know what you seem to maybe already know, You have a great H who wants to stay with you and make your M great.

That is the first step. Pull him close with both arms. Learn hear what to do to help him. Somewhere there is a post for FWW on what they should do.

He really loves you and you should really know that.

Make sure not to hold back put all of yourself into this and the recovery.

Do anything it takes for as long as it takes.

He deserves it. So do you.

Good luck.

First of all, give yourself a pat on the back each and every day you maintain NO CONTACT with the OM. It is little different than withdrawal from drugs. And as each day passes, the longing will gradually subside. But remember, that longing will ALWAYS be with you, just like with drugs or alcohol.

Secondly, all of this will take time. What you do with the time will be your choice. Read all you can about infidelity and learn how to build a healthy and happy relationship with your Husband. Contrary to what you may believe, this can be done.

Spending Harley's recommended 15 hours a week with your spouse in recreational and romantic endeavors will make a huge amount of difference. People grow apart, and the relationship need nurturing, just like a garden. Honest and open communication is critical.

At some point you need to "come clean" and tell your H all the details of the affair that he needs to know. At this point, the worst damage you can do will be caused by continued lying and deceit. What's done is done regarding the affair, and all the past lies. What's new, and what can be the foundation of a new and better marriage is no more lies. Continuation of the lies and deceit is like killing your husband with a thousand little cuts. Don't make him endure any more pain than he already has.

Think positive, and believe. This is key to recovery.

Best wishes,
SD

Thank you so much! I'm feeling so much of what you were/are feeling. Thanks to reading all of the posts and advice and talking to Dr. Harley, I know I need to be an open book with my husband. Last night I think we made a little progress. I was completely honest with him. We also discussed having no contact with the other man. There has been no contatct since everything came out, but there is a possibility with him living so close to us. I told my husband ways I would avoid the other man if I did happen to see him outside, or if he calls.....I know I need to walk (run)away, and hang up if he calls---and then tell my husband right away. I told my husband I'm committed to learning how to protect myself (and taking care of him). One of the things I've learned is that I cannot get immersed in conversations with other men. I need to end the conversation quickly and walk away, and if possible, not have a conversation at all. If anyone has any other suggestions, please help! I know this is going to take time and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make things right. I will continue to read, post and talk to Dr. Harley--anything to help us through this!