wanna hear what I honestly think?

Pep

Shoot

Waiting to see if I think what Pep thinks...

cut her off financially
she's earned it

Pep

Well, I just got off the phone with WW. We agreed no separation, I just said I'd back off all R/M talk right now. She said that she will NEVER talk to OM again. She said that he didn't have anything to do with her wanting to leave to begin with (puh-lease), but that he got involved and it then he did have something to do with it. She said that was wrong of her. We had a pleasant conversation after that, and I think her fogginess was due to R/M talk from the past few nights plus contact with OM, even if she was ending it (which I do believe was the case).

I was thinking a NC letter was in order, and if she still disagrees, then cut her off, because her backsides stuck on the fence.

How would I do that? We live together, and I pay the mortgage. She pays most the other bills (which is about half of the mortgage). She earns less than half of what I make.

How would I cut her off? I've separated our finances before. If I pay the mortage, she has plenty of other money to spend.

When I cut her off, I was kicking her out of the house and cancelling her car and health insurance. I'm not going to do that.

I think I will continue to monitor for contact to see if it truly was a NC call, and continue to plan A her. I have noticed progress.

What point would cutting her off do now?

Crap, WW just called me back and told me that OM keeps texting her. She told me she texted him back no more calls or texts and she is going to show me when she gets home. She wouldn't agree to the NC letter or switching phone numbers.

No kids
DDay - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC - 11/8/06
NC broken thrice - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07

next break in NC to be announced

Very funny, Pep.

She showed me his last text. It said can we be friends. She texted him back no contact.

Toss the phone in the trash, go to your cell provider, get a new cell phone with a different number, tonight!

Rather, destroy that phone, go to your provider, get new cell phone. If the texting continues, you'll know how OM got the number, eh?

Hi Jim -

I've not posted to you before, but I've followed your thread some. I wanted to throw in my 2 cents.

I've been fighting this NC battle with my wife for over a year now. It's still not established to my satisfaction. Every time I'd confront her about contact, she'd reassure me that it wouldn't be a problem anymore, for one reason or another.

So why is it not established to my satisfaction? Because she does not have a plan in place to establish and maintain NC. For most of the last year, it was "He wants nothing to do with me." Now it's she wants nothing to do with him, because he blames her for everything.

I think you're one of the quicker BS's here to "get things" (as in the MB principles and concepts). I would suggest you try and work with your wife to get a NC plan in place that she will agree to. Otherwise you could be setting yourself up for continued "closure" contacts.

You know your wife better than anyone here, so I could be way-off base. But I've been in the "I believe her" shoes in my situation to many times. Maybe I'm just cynical.

Just some food for thought.

Hi Jim -


IMHO, NC means not even responding to attempted contacts by OM. If she won't agree to an NC letter or switching phone numbers (both things that my wife wouldn't go for, though she did eventually write an NC letter), I'd be concerned about her willingness to protect your marriage.

I realize I'm a Johnny-Come-Lately to your thread. I'm certainly no MB Pro. I just hate to see someone go down the same path that I've spent a year blazing.

It really sounds to me like your wife is paying lip service right now. Without a solid plan that both of you are working from to maintain NC, how are you going to feel protected in your marriage?

You said (I believe) earlier that the only reason your wife agreed to NC was because she didn't want to be cut-off financially. Do you want to finance someone who has no interest in protecting your marriage?

I can point to lots of things that my wife has done over the past year that I consider positives. However, for me, all of that pales unfortunately to the fact that when I asked her point blank what her plan was to establish and maintain NC and rebuild my trust in her - she said she didn't know. That was 6 weeks ago. I'm still waiting for an answer.

The answer is, in reality, simple. Doing it is much harder.

To quote BobPure* - don't settle for crumbs, Jim.

Hey Jim,

I don't think it was all that bad myself. I will take any and all 2x4s tossed at me.

My wife had one last phone call to OM to tell him much the same thing. This happened at about the same time line as your wife's.

You were saying that your taker was wanting more than your wife could give. I was there in Sept, Oct, Nov and a week in Dec. I know that you need more to live on than just living together. No other way out, but to press on.

You have it right about backing off from R,M talk.

OM texted your wife and she called you right away. Very good sign. You do need to change the #. She knows you read her so tell her that you've read many stories about crazy OP and the crap they do and text they send. Try to lead her into changing the #. See if she will do it with you, if not, cut the phone $$.

My wife wanted to love me agian, but didn't know how to go from the mess she made to loving me agian, hence, she wanted me to move out. She wanted us to spilt up, just as yours does. I did move out for 5 days and then moved home for good (pissed Pep off, but I needed the a55 kicking) and told my wife that one day she would be happy agian. One way or another she would be happy.


This was my sitch and the way it worked for me.

I think this is a positive turn of events.

I think this was a "closure" phone call for her.

She's never agreed to NC before, b/c she wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Today she was.

Maybe your talk last night had an impact on her.

I think all that "We need to separate" stuff was her way, of asking you to back off some.

So, I think this is a step in the right direction, Jim.

~ Marsh

Thanks for all of the advice. I've informed my WW that any more contact will result in the changing of her number and/or cancellation of her phone. She knows consequences will occur, even if he contacts her. He has not contacted her the entire time except after this phone call. She has always been the one to break NC. I am going to back off the R/M talk for right now.

She never has agreed to work on the M to clear any confusion. She is in withdrawal right now, and I don't expect her to commit for at least another month or two. Right now I can only plan A her, and continue to hold her to the consequences of her actions.

are you thinking bad choice = consequences ???

Pep

Jim,

Don't press her too much right now. I think this was a big step for her today and don't push it.

Like Marsh said, today she was ready for the goodby talk. Very good thing.

Time to be the lighthouse and to be still.

she contacted him
so she is not in withdrawl