[color:"red"] She says that she doesn't want to be hurt by placing all the expectations and restraints that she thought existed in our relationship.
[/color]

Translates into:

"Don't be expecting anything FROM me because I am going to do what I want and who I want...and being in a relationship with you will prevent that. Ain't gonna happen".

Yep...risking plagarism...

"she just isn't that into you".

AND...at the risk of sounding sexist....the genders are usually refused here. The male is usually the one stringing the female along. I guess it takes all kinds.

committed

i give up....

we are your friends and we will be here for you when this falls flat and you need comfort from how hurt you are going to get since you insist on continuing to be strung along by this.

you are obviously just going to have to learn on your own on this one.. she sure has you right where she wants you.

mlhb

Because you are a generation/stage of life apart in age (23/35).At some point,she will feel restless and move on,even now,she is not committed although you hope for that.




What you hope for but she refuses.




Isn't that like being apart rather than becoming more intimate/close, the antithesis of a caring,committed and enduring relationship?



More of being less committed than you would like.

I'm just curious,why are you trying to force this?

Hey Guys and Ladies, I have to be honest. You are scaring the heck out of me. I understand that things aren't always the way they seem but I guess I need to know if this is real? How do I do find out?

I believe people can change, I feel that I've changed. I take responsibilty for my part in this relationship and I understand how we triggered eachother. Please help me to figure out if this could work.

What's to be scared about? Maybe the whole thing just will not work out? Sometimes it takes objective points of view to help you see that which you don't.I have seen that happen so much here.



Again,why are you trying to force the relationship to a place it's not? You're getting all kinds of clues by this young woman but you fail to accept them.IMO you're forging an idealistic relationship in your mind with this woman that just isn't there and are you going to keep accepting tid bits and hoping that things will change in your favor? You could be waiting for a long time and even then,it may not be what you hoped for.You may have changed but what about her?

Are you afraid to let her go because you are in love with her? Love,unfortunately,isn't everything.You need to stop romanticizing it and deal with the reality.Do you still work with her? That could be the biggest hurdle in moving on.

jmo

Coughlin,

.
She doesn’t seem to care for you in a mature way, unless you mean a lukewarm way. She obviously wants to play. Nothing wrong with that. I did that from the time I was 19 until I was 24 to varying degrees. Also, establishing her career has nothing to do with it, unless the reason she can’t spend time with you is because of the endless hours she works. Residents and newbie lawyers often put in 12-hour days. In my experience they also seem to be the ones who have a steady beau because they don’t have time for anything else.

How can you even talk about a serious relationship if she doesn’t feel comfortable enough with you to introduce you to her friends, let alone her family?

About doing the “couples” things… Once again I state the two of you probably have dramatically different ideas of what they are. For example, couples items can exactly what you do when you go on dates. Dating is couple time. It could also be time spent sitting by the fire which you already did. Neither activity means you are a couple.

Could she change? Sure. She’ll mature in time. In about two to 10 years, she may want to start her family. She may have had enough of flirting. She may be fiscally responsible and have learned lessons about showing up on ex-boyfriend’s door steps after a night on the town.

In the end, this isn’t about her. It’s about you. Are you willing to wait around in case she turns into the woman you want? The woman who acts the way you want? Are you willing to take the leftover time she has to offer? She may have become more independent, but you have not.

I once said that good men were hard to date. Bad boys may break your heart but you always know you’re better than them. Good men challenge women to live up to their expectations and example. Sometimes, that isn’t so fun. Plus, a woman may find herself thinking “Do I deserve him?” and not knowing the answer.

Could you be in a similar situation?

ok coughlin here you go...

IT IS NOT REAL
IT IS NOT REAL
IT IS NOT REAL

IT WILL NOT WORK
IT WILL NOT WORK
IT WILL NOT WORK

but none of that matters if you are not willing to listen to it. i feel like you are waiting for some soul on here to come on and say to you "yes coughlin, you should hang onto her, she is a great catch. let her string you along until she is ready to commit and be mature and grow up, because in the end, all of your waiting and being used, it will be soooo worth it" i DOUBT anyone on here is going to say that and if they do they are an idiot.

you have had some very smart people on this board respond to you. most of us have BTDT... but still you do not listen and still you ask us to tell you if it is real? have you NOT read our posts.. could we NOT be much clearer? no one on here has told you that what you are doing, what she is doing, is healthy or a good idea. no one has! you think you are in love, but i think it is something else. why would you want someone like this in your life? oh, but she does have SOME good qualities.. they sure don't outweigh the bad ones.

next time she comes knocking you should send her on her way.
but i have the feeling, sadly, that you won't, ever.
nothing we say i am afraid matters at all.
i know most of us are used to being second best or taking our scraps. that is what we had to do in our marriages when spouses were having affairs. now that we are out of that mode, most of us REFUSE to accept scraps any longer or to be 2nd best. you, on the other hand, are still allowing yourself to be treated that way. maybe it is just easier because it is what you are used to. look outside of your box, and let yourself see what it feels like to be treated well and with respect. it feels pretty good, believe me. and when you don't tolerate being treated any less than what you should be, it is a whole new world.. give it a try coughlin.

i know i am 2x4ing you a lot with this, but i am just trying, i think we are all just trying, to prevent you from a huge fall and big hurt.
mlhb

Coughlin,

I always have trouble following your story, 'cause you pop in and out without keeping us in the loop <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Is this girl the same as the one you mentioned last year, the 26 y.o. with a child and who was living with an "exBF" who is not the father? Or is this a new one?

I don't plan to beat you over the head anymore, as it appears to be falling on deaf ears, but I do wonder where you find these way-too-young-for-you women who appear to be totally dysfunctional, and why you insist on dating them?

Anyway, I am right behind mlhb, i.e., "outta here"...

AGG

you are right behind me huh agg?? well, keep your eyes above the waistline.. i see you checking me out back there!
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

you walked right into that one! i cuold NOT stop myself!

chuckle.
mlhb

i find myself so amusing!

Coughlin,

You're a slow learner eh? We ALL are when we're hurting. Problem is --- how much are you willing to pay for your rest-of-your-life education????

So how do you feel about those viruses she might likely be carrying from all the other guys she's sleeping with?

You willing to ruin the rest of your life for a booty call?? How smart are you really???

I'm going to take exception to others here...with this girl, you could wrap your entire body in a condom and the sex would NEVER be "Safe"...not emotionally, not spiritually, not eternally....

Think about it......only YOU can prevent your own forest fire of self-destruction.

High Flight

I hate to say but you were right. Last friday night, I went over to her place after a night out with friends and she lets me in and says, you can't sleep over cause it would be akward to have to explain it to my roomate what's going on with us. So I leave because that pretty much bugged me and I say you know I want to date you and I don't think that is too much pressure and I'm not the type of guy that gets put on the back burner while she is out doing the things I wanna do with her with other people.

She basically blamed me and said that I didn't know who she was and that I was untrustworthy. I said, it may be true that I don't know who you are but the only way to know that is by doing things together other than havings [email]s@x.[/email] I fantasized that her coming over to watch movies meant more than what it actually was and the fantasy ended that night. She said she would be embarassed if she introduced me to her friends now and then we broke up.

In the end, I told her what I wanted and she told me she wasn't sure what she wanted and thanks to you guys and my counselor, that really rang true. There was apart of her that I liked and Greengables, you were right, it had to do with the fact that when we were together, we didn't have to go out all the time like I did when I was married. My wife never felt comfortable staying in--she needed constant planning of social events. Anyways, my gf didn't, she was comfortable staying in and enjoying eachother's company which to me menat more than just hooking up but unfortunately, I don't think she had the same intentions. I'm moving on and she, obviously has a lot of growing up to do and I just don't have it in me to to stand by and wait for that to happen while my heart gets crushed.

Thanks for cushioning my fall by giving it to me straight even though it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

You know... I was to write about something, then I saw your post...

Will say, anyway

The best advice I got during my biggest pains was - 'if you are not ready, do nothing (until you are)'.
And really, I prolonged my pain and stayed for a while, not being able to make the decision...
Really, it always something happens to 'open' our eyes that we had been trying to keep 'closed'...
And sometimes it takes just a word, heard many times of, but at that, that moment, that was our closure we desperately needed...

And waiting and prolonging agony was worth it. Once I made the decision, I never felt regrets. I was ready.

Hope you are ready right now (as you think you are).
If not, you will, too.

well, you just got it right from the horses mouth: you were her fun dirty little secret. 'would be awkward to explain' because she doesn't want anyone to know...

sorry you had to find out this way after we have been beating you in the head with it but sometimes that is what it takes. and i am sorry there are girls like that out in the world, and i know personally that there are. the fun of being with an older guy and stringing him along knowing they will be there when they want to play or want some money dropped on them. girls like that tick me off and i have no respect for them.

stick to your guns and be done with it.
mlhb

Sorry, Coughlin. I know it hurts, but you are better off without her. Now, there will soon be room in your life for a woman who is a better fit. “Soon,” not now.

Time to sit back, take a deep breath, and pledge to never, ever date someone you work with.

Here's hoping that you can stick to your new (and, IMO, correct) view of her, instead of falling into another bout of "unconventional relationship" justifications after she visits you for another night of intimacy and fun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />...

AGG

"JUST SAY NO" and cross your legs or whatever it is men do.

Oh gawd, we men aren't wired that way - once it gets to the point of having to say "no" or cross our legs, it's too late <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />. It's best to nip it in the bud, i.e. never let her close enough to be in hearing or seeing range <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Man, I feel like a sucker now. I'm looking at her in a whole new light and I see things that never hit me until now. She has been playing me for a fool by saying the sweetest things and not following through with her actions. It's funny how much her attitude changed for a certain guy in our office from, he looks like a baby and I'm totally not attracted to him--give me some credit to I'm just trying to set him up with my sister and I would never do that to you. He's harmless according to her but honestly, it doesn't matter I guess. One more funny story, she calls me on Sunday night asking to come over and I said no, I'm kinda tired and she proceeds to tell me how she could've gone out with so many people on Saturday night and how these guys from our office text message her inappropriately, asking her to meet them out and if she was in bed.

My guess is that #1) she was trying to get me to react and #2) she provoked that kind of attention. I know that's what young people do, I just wish she didn't always try to convince me that she was different and mature enough to handle herself in certain situations.

All I know is I don't wanna know any more about her. I don't wanna see her car, hear her voice, or know who she's with or what she's doing. She is what she is and I am who I am. I just can't help but think that someday she will understand and regret what she lost--ME!

Thanks again to all of you for setting me straight. I guess I really did need to see it for myself and when she told me it would be awkward to have to explain what I was doing at her place, that's when I knew it was over and that she never had any intention on being a couple but rather all she wanted was fun and stability whenever she needed it. Onto the next one for me and I wish her luck trying to find someone to replace me. Not to sound arrogant but man, she is missing out on a good thing.