I've never heard of this one - does it apply in the U.S.? Of course, there is much moaning about how it would just cost too much to invite spouses to the awards banquets (even though the company will spend ungodly amounts of money for anything else that keeps it managers happy). My answer is always, "Nobody is asking the company to spend its precious money on the spouses if they don't want to. They can sell tickets for guests to attend the dinner, and I'll pay my own way."


Absolutely 100% correct. The bullcrap about "we can't work if you're there" actually means, "we can't get our Emotional Needs filled by each other if the old ball-and-chains are there."


Oh, that could be true, too, but from what I saw when working there for 8-1/2 years, nobody gives a rat's butt - kinda like when an affair is exposed but it turns out that the affairees really don't care who knows. It's all just daily entertainment to the employees. If the boss is sneaking out to lunch with his bimbo assistant and they're sending mushy emails to each other, that just gives tacit permission for the rest of them to do the same. And that's GREAT!


It sure is.

does it apply in the U.S.?

I believe so. The "100% club" a couple years ago was in Puerto rico. Many US winners refused to take guests/spouses as they would incur a benefit tax on them. Where there is income tax of course, which made it even more unfair.

So what you going to do to break the chain Mulan. In our case * I* did it, but such behaviour was already counter-intuiitive for me in any case.

Your H seems to thrive on it.

Mulan,

I am sorry you are going through this.

You know I am in sales and for a while I was the one going on these trips. Puerto Rico, The bahamas, Santa Barbara, NY, DC.

In each case the spouse was not invited nor could they be invited. Many of us were not happy about this. At one point we were thinking about having our Spouses just fly there what could the company do.

What ended up happening though is that the company really wanted the best sales people to get together and mingle with each other. Find out what each other are doing and the see the next sales contest roll out. Get all juiced up to sell more. Talk crap about how LA will roll over NY etc. Hard to do that with the spouses around.

The idea of the trip was two fold reward and motiviation. Not a second honeymoon with the significant other.

I did work at a company that was going to let others come but then you ahve people wanting to bring their sister because they aren't married or dating and why should married people get to bring people. Or the person that met someone 2 weeks ago and want's to bring them. The line for the company is hard to draw as well.

Finally if the company is smart even though it is an award if they do a one day or a half a day "business seminar" more of a write off. So there might be some big tax benefits for spouses not coming.

I know it doesn't help you but that is the way it is.

I hope somehow you guys can work this out. I stepped down out of management because I was traveling so much.

frog, with all due respect I think you've been listening to the company line for too long. All I was asking for was the option for each employee to bring One Guest whenever there is a dinner, awards banquet, "roast" for someone, or any other event that any normal person would consider a Social Event. The company doesn't have to pay (gods forbid). The employees can either buy a ticket for their guest or, if it's at a restaurant, the guests simply ask for a separate check.

It's really very simple. It could easily be done. The fact that it isn't speaks volumes and also explains why MB has thousands of distraught and hurting members.
Mulan

I took Squid with me to a few events at my own expense.

Squid was bored out of her mind and played mind games on the blokes I worked with.

I asked her tonight her thoughts on this. She said :

"the most boring thing isn;t the work talk, its the collective exprience memory stuff. " Its like when Roger was in Glasgow ! " a wag would say, then yo all would fall about laughing. Then you'd lean over and explain " This guy Roger went to Glasgow and ......" and in every case it was a dull, or childish recounted event. I could see you didn't really fit in with that stuff. There are some realy small personalities in your company. It surprises me that you behave as though have lost 20 IQ points and are being filmed for a cable comedy channel. Do the others do that or were you just trying not to intimdate them ?".

Now she recounted this with good humour, but she means every word.

Its a big fraternity. We can't wear our work masks with our spouses there. It sjust that your H' mask seems to have become stuck to his face like Jim Carrey's "mask".

Mulan:

My H also lived in a similar milieu for many years as the co-owner of his own thriving business. Like your H, mine's every EN was met at work. And then some.

That did not change until my husband decided he no longer wanted that kind of life. And he only decided that because his particular group of business partners also rolled substance abuse into the mix and that escalated to very unhealthy levels.

Had the alcohol/drugs not been involved, I believe he would still be embroiled in that kind of atmosphere. He was very good at what he did and he told everyone how much he loved it. Loved being the boss, loved being able to reward people with $1000 dinners and other high-end perks. He says it was the first time in his life he felt admired and most importantly, powerful. Nothing at home could compete with that.

I did not push hard for change because I was also investing a lot of time in my career at that point. But if I had pushed hard for more time together, or to be more of a priority, I believe he would have left me rather than give up the lifestyle that was giving him so much. Business definitely outweighed me on the value scale then.

Most of his business associates were already on their second marriages, and they were only in their 30s at that point. Several already had two divorces behind them.

This is not a lifestyle that puts a high value on family or marriage. The people who stay in it for any length of time usually don't either, unless they have spouses who can accept being second to the job. It doesn't sound like you are one of those.

If you husband is not willing to cut back on these kind of activities voluntarily, I don't think you have a lot of choices. It basically boils down to either leave, or accept that your marriage will consist of you sitting around waiting for the little bit of time when he doesn't have something more important to do, or create your own very independent and separate full life and the two of you intersect whenever your schedules happen to coincide.

Tru

If spouses don't care to go to these events, that's fine. The point is that the choice is always there and there is no "KEEP OUT" sign hanging on the door.

To me, that's what really matters.
Mulan

Tru, I could have written your post. I know exactly what you mean and you are so right. There's no competing with something like that and it's a waste of time to try. Thanks for posting that.
Mulan

Mulan

I wasn't trying to make the point that "spouses wouldn't like it anyway". I was hoping to convey Squids view of the culture you dispise having seen it first hand.

"Its a big boy's club" she says.

Mulan,

That company is long gone. LOL. However that is why I left management. I did not like the trips I had to take above and beyond me winning a contest.

I was talking about the trip part not the Dinners. If there is a dinner and it is a "real" business dinner then maybe. But the crap that they are always intense negotiations is BS. LOL.

I agree with you on that part. If a company is asking an employee to go somewhere on what would be considered off time then they should have the right to bring the person they would be spending that time with.

So on the trip part I would say there is nothing that you can do but on the dinner part think the H is feeding you a little line.

So now let me ask you this then. IF H has a dinner at one of these places what is stopping you from just going?

Get a friend and go to the same place. LOL. That will teach him. Then you can watch how much business goes on. Then send the check to your H.

Wow!! I really AM naive. I've always (until recently) been proud to bring my H to work functions. He's a big, good looking guy and I used to love showing him off to co-workers. Particularly the worms I work with who were always a little too "hands-on". I enjoy going to courses with girlfriends, but would definitely feel uncomfortable at an overnight conference with a male co-worker. It's a recipe for disaster as far as I'm concerned. I guess I'm part of the minority, and H is of the majority.

Honestly, I'm glad my H and I are in fields (ed. admin and healthcare) that don't require a lot of travel. Although, as H works his way up he's gone much more. And, if he hadn't had the EA I would still be supportive and happy for him. Never would have suspected an EA or been jealous/ paranoid about women at conferences. Boy, have my eyes been opened!!