Yes, chin up, e5!

Print out a copy of that Do and Don't list!

Carry it in your wallet, and refer to it OFTEN!

You are going to have to be strong and positive.

Don't talk to her about your relationship. Try to get her to do something fun w/ you.

Bring home some of her favorite ice cream...enjoy some together. If she refuses. YOU enjoy it.
And then try again another night.

I'll say a prayer for you tonight. I have a prayer book, I write poster's names in it so I can remember them in my prayers.

Stay strong!

~ Marsh

This is good news!! This is the first step back. You wont get her all back at once. This will take time.

But she is noticing your Plan A changes. That's great. It means she hasnt shut you out. Somewhere deep inside of her, she is rooting for you to come thru...to be the knight.

So take this as a good first step. At first, she will say "I see the changes and they are great...but it is probably too late." She will then later say while crying "Why are you being this way now, when it is too late?" She then will come to you and ask "Do you think it is too late/ do you really believe we can make this work?" And finally she will come to you and say "I'm not sure about all of this...but I would like to try."

It is a process. She will be all over the map. You MUST be the Rock! Steady as she goes. Consistent.

Keep up the good work.

Another beautiful day here in California.

Feels a little better today. Trying to not get too tight up with my own thoughts. My wife wasn't as angry as she was couple of days ago after she found out that I spoke with the OM. We were able to get some small talk going, which is very nice. I overheard her phone convesation last night that she said she was going to grab me and apologize but she did not. She said she did not do it just because I was treating her nice. She feels that she doesn't want to love because of certain conditions. I am a little lost here. What should I do? Should I just grab her instead and tell her how I felt and that I want the marraige to work out?

I can see her struggle. Since I am staying in the other room, I have been puposely leaving the light on each night. And she came and close it for me each night. It meant something for me but not sure if it really means anything.

E,

Slow down. She is going to have to go thru this slowly. She has to build on things...and that takes time. She has to go thru withdrawl first. And that takes time.

Dont push her. Just relax, sit back, meet needs as you can, be positive and work on you. As you said (and as we told you), her anger from exposure is beginning to lessen. This is all a part of the plan.

This is a process. Keep learning about it. But dont try to hurry it.

Chatting with wife online... She said I have no idea how much she was hurt by what I did by to the OM. How should I respond?????

Repeat what she said to you...

Say, "I hear that you believe that I don't know how hurt you were that I talked to OM."

Don't apologize. Just acknowledge what she said, by repeating it back to her.

~ Marsh

e5,

Why haven't you moved back into your bedroom?

~ Marsh

How do I do that? Do I just jump in or I go in when she goes in the room? What if she is totally mad when I move back in and threaten to leave?

Another thing that will happen or I don't really know if it should happen. The Pastor is going to talk to my wife and ask her to take a break from serving in Worship Team given that she has to deal with M conflict/issue first. And not try to ignore it by serving God. (Not sure how my wife will react because she still think she has a good relationship with God) Is it a good time to do it? I am sure my wife will be hurt by I think it's necessary for her to know that this is one of the consqeuence.

You can do it any way you want to. You could go to bed first. And then when she comes in, she'll see you there, or you can get into bed when she's already there.

But, I would tell her that you're sorry for having left her and your marriage bed. Tell her that you love her and are committed to the marriage.

If she fusses about it, tell her that you two are married and that married couples sleep together. Tell her you belong by her side.

She may threaten to leave...but you two can't continue the way you are. Every night you stay in that other room is another day she feels rejected by you. Ouch!

If you move back into the bed, you're SHOWING her that you love her. How she chooses to respond to you is up to her. But, at least YOU will be doing something positive.

If she doesn't like it, then she'll move to where you've been sleeping. But, she'll go there knowing that you DO want her....that you do love her.

Get it?

I doubt she'll move out of the house. She may move into the other bedroom, but what if she stays right where she is? How good would THAT be?

The way I see it you have nothing to lose. Either you'll have switched rooms or you'll be sleeping together again.

Do you want things to stay the same?


~ Marsh

You have no control over what the pastor does. I hope he does do what you said he is.

And, yes, it is a consequence that she must deal w/.

All you can do is be there for her.

~ Marsh

Marsh... My wife responded and now she is going furious I think. Now she said 'not how hurt I am, but why it is fatal this time' Should I ask her why? And tell her how I felt? Should I accused her.. I have evidence. And she kept lying about her feelings towards him.

OK, repeat it back to her..

Say, "I hear that you believe that b/c I talked to OM, I have done something fatal to our relationship. Is that right?"

~ Marsh

e5,

It's more important that you hear what she is saying. If she feels as though you've heard her, she'll be more open to listening to what YOU have to say.

Stay calm.

Just repeat back to her what she's saying.

Don't argue.

Don't accuse.

Just repeat back to her.

Understand?

~ Marsh

Marsh is right on above!

On yoru question here...E, you need to understand that she is in BLAME mode right now. none of this is her fault. She has to blame everyone else (especially you) or she will look enormously stupid (which she was).

Dont ask why! Do what March said. jsut repeat back what she said, to show that you are listening. Just listen!!!

"Honey, I understand you are angry at what has transpired here and you feel that it is fatal." Period! End of statement.

You cant reason with or argue with an addict. You cant make sense out of nonsense! So, you just listen and acknowledge as she "drys out" from her addiction. If you must, you do say that you know the truth of what has transpired with her and you also know the truth about how bright the future is for the two of you. You keep listening and repeating your mantra.

Hold steady now...this is a very key time!

Thanks Mortarman and Marsh. Can you guys stay with me now? I need your guidance!!!

she replied: 'yes, and fatal to me as a person/human'

Ok, say, "I hear you saying that by my talking to OM, you feel as though I have wounded you as a person in a fatal way. Is that right?"

~ Marsh

Mortarman is correct.

WE all know what she did was stupid. She knows it too, but she's just trying to throw the blame off on you, b/c it is easier to believe that you did something wrong than it is that SHE did something wrong.

You won't get anywhere w/ her by proving she is all wrong.

But, you will get some where w/ her, if you listen to her and she FEELS listened to by you.

It is VERY healing.

~ Marsh

Marsh is correct.

Steady as she goes!

Thanks!!! would it sound repeatitive if I keep using the same style of language?

Really Appreciate for the input!