Here comes another case of a WW. I’d like to first say that I’m so thankful for finding this message board, and can’t believe how common this occurs. It’s really frightening to think that the morality of our society has slipped to a level like this. Also, the similarities of explanations of behavior that the OS gives that people describe are really creepy.

I’m new to this board, but have been reading a lot of other people’s posts to before putting any of my thoughts in type, and now I’ve finally found the gumption in myself to lay it all out.

I found out about my wife having an A about a week ago when I had some suspicion and dug up emails that gave me the evidence. I confronted her late at night and she obviously denied it. After saying that I had credit card charge records with names, etc. she finally broke down and admitted - “but it was only once, and I totally regretted it.” Sure… I was in shock and disorientated at the time, and was trying to gather my thoughts as to what to do next. I told her that we needed to get rid of the OP in order to try and mend things with us. With tears, she had agreed. Come the next day, I asked her if she had communicated with the OP to let her know of the intentions, and she said no. She accused me that I’m only concerned about the things that I want, and not what she wants. This hurt bad, and I knew this wasn’t just a 1 time fling.

I’ve been monitoring some correspondence between the both of them as well as her communication to other friends. To the OP, she says she’s in love with him, etc., but to her friends, she says that she just doesn’t know. “the door isn’t shut all the way, but it isn’t wide open either”. We have a 5 year old boy and a good life together, with a full time nanny and all the material amenities that she could ask for. According to her, what was missing is the passion, which to my demise, I would have to agree. According to the MC, things get busy and I tend to fall back to “automatic behavior” and not really show appreciation/attention to the things I have in life, like her. It’s not that I ever felt that I didn’t love her any more, it was just that I failed to communicate that effectively.

My wife has also complained about having too much stress in her life with working full time, taking care of the house, friend/family obligations, work, family, etc., that she has been feeling that everything that she does is for other people, and that she does nothing for herself. But what I don’t understand is that the OP (my WW XBF from high school), has a lot of baggage himself; XW who is now M, OP has 2 kids with XW, and barely making ends meet. Talk about adding more to your plate? Sheesh! I’ve read enough posts from everyone to understand to try not to make logical sense of anything, and I would like to say a big thank you because this is what has kept me sane.

After seeing the MC, for the past week, I’ve tried to make significant changes to myself to not only be a better person, but also to show her my efforts to make things work. I think that it’s working. It’s a little odd at first, because the affection that I show my WW was just never there before and now that she’s receiving them, the affection just feels different. The MC said that they would, but to just be open and accepting to the idea. I believe that part of it (if not a majority) is that our 5 year old son still sleeps in our bed, and it’s hard to have intimate opportunities together. Well, we’ve started holding/cuddling each other in bed and I do get some kisses, but she’s still sneaking out and seeing the OP.

I think I can see some of the ice melting because about 2 weeks ago, she had wanted to talk about getting a D, but she just couldn’t tell me at the time. From where we were 2 weeks ago, to today, there has been a big change (for the better!) both in my show of affection to her, and her receptiveness of the affection. The correspondence that I’ve seen to her friends is that she “just doesn’t know now”. Some of her friends are advising her to let time decide.

The problem that still lies is that she is still seeing the OP. According to the MC she has a personally where she really attaches to people when she gets to know them. So this is a difficulty that she has to overcome. The MC has said that she needs to slowly peel away her feelings for the other person and re-find them with me. I think it sounds easier said that done, but I can only hope. Mentally, I always feel that as I’m learning how to better myself by taking time to express affection and show appreciation, if I ever slip or make a mistake, the OP is there to pick up the slack.

I guess my question is (among others) what is the typical life of an A? I want to gut this out, but at the same time do whatever I can to accelerate the process because it’s killing my feelings for her. It’s the only way I can tolerate the emotions that I’m going though. I understand that there can be 2 outcomes to it, and obviously there’s the romance part, but when does reality start setting in and what can I do to accelerate it? I’ve read about plan A by Dr. Hurley, but I believe that with the personality of my WW and the current state of our relationship, it would do more harm than good. I spoke with our MC about this, and her opinion is the same as mine. She says that exposure to family/friends would only complicate things at the current time, and that because of the personality of my WW, she has to come to the realization on her own. Any other ideas?

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

BS (me) -37
WW - 40
Son - 5
found out about A - 11/8/06

So sorry for your problem amp,

More people will come along and help more than I can, but to start with call the other mans wife (OMW). Tell her about the A and that should help by putting pressure on the OM and the A.

I know it does because I did the very same thing this July.

keep reading on this site and keep asking questions. You marriage is far from over.

Best wishes,
M2L

I certainly think you should contact OMW.

I sense from your message that you're moving forward without a plan. Make a plan. This site is the way to go. She's going to sit on the fence as long as you let her. I believe exposure is very important. At a minimum the OMW has a right to know.

Good luck.

Thanks Maybe and mustang for the replies. I guess I wasn't that clear in my original post. The OM is divorced from is wife. That's his x-wife. She has already found someone else and is married. He is not.

As far as a plan, well, I don't have anything concrete in my mind since I think my plan would change as things materialize (ie. how our counseling session goes, etc.). My plan is to continue with Marriage Counseling, and to see if she becomes more receptive to the new me. Focus on meeting her ENs, and just continue living my life, until I get an inkling if that if things are going south, then I'll go ahead and separate and expose.

I'm just wondering what's a typical lifecycle of an A? Romance period first, then reality? Any tips to expedite the reality process?

Thanks everyone.

Marriage counseling will not help if your wife is still in the affair. I personally think it's a load of bullcrap to say that she needs to gradually peel her feelings away and attach them to you!!! So, like, here's just a leeetle bit of heroin so you can wean yourself off it....yah, that works. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It's like a bandaid. Do it all at once. She should never have transferred her feelings FROM you TO him!!!

You do need a plan. I got the jist that OM is actually single (divorced)- so contacting his ex wife wont' help probably. But you should expose to other people!! Her family, his family, etc. That is part of plan A.

Good luck.