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LoveGod Offline OP
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Hey everyone-my best friend told me about this website and she raves about it so I thought I would post my problem. I just found out about a week ago that my husband confided in another woman while overseas in Iraq and it led to him kissing her. At 1st,he only said it was once and then he came back and said it happened 3-4 times. He still swears, to this day, that it did not go any further. He did fess up about it, which could be a plus, b/c there is no way I would have ever known about it unless he would have told me. He is coming home in Dec. "to talk". He has said that he has made no contact with her after she "freaked and backed off" and that he does not have feelings for her and it is not going to go anywhere with the two of them. But he is confused about what to do. He does not know "what he wants". I have backed off from him and stopped w/ the questions about the altercation but I have no idea on what to do, how to act, or what to say when he comes home. He is only going to be home for about 12 days and then he has to go back. I am very confused and feel very lost right now. I was hoping you guys could help me out and steer me in the right direction. I feel like this marriage is salavagable. We have only been married since Jan. and he left 6 weeks after we got married. I am not sure he wants to salvage this or give this marriage a chance. Please help!!!!


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Welcome to MB. To start with, you could go over to the Just Found Out board and look at the permanent posts stuck to the very top. They will get you started and then you can come back here and ask some specific questions. Good luck.
Mulan


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LoveGod Offline OP
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ok thanks mulan for replying.


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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I am sorry but to tell you but...

He says it was only "flirting"and that he's not seing her.. What is he confused about? How can he not know what he wants?

I think there might be more then he's telling you. Be aware. Sorry you're here.

Be strong, you really need it. Any chance he can come home and stay?

Any friend there with him you can talk to? Anyway to get any info about her? Who is she, married, etc? Anyone to expose it there?

Read around as much as you can. Prepare yourself for the wrost. Take good care


d-Day- jan2006
Me 38, WH, 36
Children-8 and 10
status: slow, slow, recovery...
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If he is in the military his CO can and will help you. They frown on this kind of thing. Affairs are against military law.

He is playing you right now and needs to be brought to his senses pronto. See if his little "fling" that he is confused about is worth his career.

BTW, in my experience, when they say they are confused it is usually a sign that they have done more than they are telling you.

Linda


Me BSx2 63

1st M 13yrs WS Multiple As.

DD45 DD43 DS41 first marriage.

Him WS 56 P/A. PA + Multiple EAs from day one.

Current M. 26years

D Days 10/02, 11/02, 01/03, right up to 03/06

NC since 03/2006

Me Stage IV Breast Cancer since 36months,

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us (Hebrews 12:1).Titus wife, Linda
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Bump for help and support for LoveGod. She has posted on a couple of threads looking for support and "feeling neglected".

I think she's looking for Plan A advice, and also feeling very alone since her husband is still away for another month. I know it's very hard for her when he is so far away.


[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
- Noodle[/color]

Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]

Very Happily Married
Me FBS - 44
Him FWS - 51
I married him all over again, May 07
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LoveGod Offline OP
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Hey...She is gone...Her contract is over and she has left Iraq to come back to the states...They are DOD contractors...There is noone over there that I can talk to except his friends and that won't work, I'm sure. When he says he is confused, he says that he is so unhappy with himself and has been for years. He has serious issues with commitment and being close to someone which stems back from a terrible childhood. Thats why he left to go back overseas 6 weeks after we were married. He is very uncomfortable in his own skin. And he does things to try and fill that void. ie, buys cars and keeps them for 6 months, buys clothes that he doesn't need, gets close to a woman and then backs off and runs (at least he married me..lol..but then left)...etc etc...As far as I know, he has not had anymore contact with this girl. And again, this is what he is saying to me. I can't really believe what he says right now. But the issue is, he is coming home in Dec. for 12 days and I want to know how to make the best of Plan A while he is here. He will not be home again until March. Help!!!


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Here is the best Plan A advice I know:

*******************************************************
"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Me, BW
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He has serious issues with commitment and being close to someone which stems back from a terrible childhood. Thats why he left to go back overseas 6 weeks after we were married.


I am soo sad for you..mainly because it does not sound like your H really wants to be MARRIED or considers himself to be MARRIED.


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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How long did you know him before marrying him? Sounds like he has a lot of issues that he has never addressed.

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LoveGod, your situation is very difficult. You have a man that is fearful of committment, "tries things out" and runs, and is very far away. If you do not have children from this marriage, I strongly urge you to cut your losses. You are in a for a lifetime of hurts from this man unless he gets help for his problems.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
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DS 15
OCDS 8
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What makes him loveable, LOVE GOD?

What attracted him to you to make you want to marry him?


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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LoveGod Offline OP
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We knew each other about 2 years before we were married this past Jan. No we don't have any children. He is fully aware that he has issues that he needs to figure out and that he needs help. And I know that I cannot force him to get help. He has to do that on his own. Other than this situation and his issues, he is a wonderful provider, thoughtful, kind, generous, affectionate, intelligent, funny, and I can't help but love him very much. And I know this all sounds so mushy but I just can't help that I love him. I don't want to completely give up on our marriage. I am in IC and I want this marriage to work. I just don't know what to do. I am scared to death. I dont know what is going to happen when he comes home for R and R in Dec. He is only going to be home for 12 days and I am sure I will find out more of what happened then but what do I do in the meantime? It seems like a lifetime away before he gets home. And I am not even sure what to do when he does get home....

Last edited by LoveGod; 12/02/06 12:39 PM.

God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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I understand what you are saying about loving him.

How does he explain leaving you to work overseas?

I would think he would not want to leave you since you just got married.

Have you been together for an extended period..day to day?


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He has serious issues with commitment and being close to someone which stems back from a terrible childhood. Thats why he left to go back overseas 6 weeks after we were married.


I mean....

Did he basically say to you "I'm leaving now because I have problems with this commitment to you"? Here you make it sound as if he told you ..up front...before he left that he did not want to be married..OR are you surmising this from his actions?


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LoveGod Offline OP
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No he did not come out and say that he is leaving b/c of commitment issues. He wanted to go over there and make some money for us to put away so we would not have to live paycheck to paycheck and he wanted to plan for our future financially. I am assuming he left b/c of that and b/c of his fear of commitment and abadonment issues. We have lived a total of 5 months together. From Nov. 05 to March of 06. I also think it was a big red flag that he left right after we got marrried too. I would think/hope that he would want to stay w/ his "new bride". I am getting the feeling that I have been "snowed" by him...big time...He acknowledges he has serious issues but I am not sure he wants/thinks he needs help for them. I don't know if I should just cut my losses or fight for this. I can't make this marriage work on my own, it can't work if he is over there, and it can't work if he does not seek help for his issues. I just really don't know what to do. I don't know how to approach the subject w/ him when he comes home Dec. 11th. I am at a loss...


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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IMO, you are correct that your marriage has a low likelihood of working if he does not FULLY COMMIT to the marriage.

I would talk with him in those terms when he gets home, asking him about HIS PLAN to make a FULL COMMITMENT to the MARRIAGE.

If I were you, I wouldn't FEEL LOVED by him.

When a man is "IN LOVE" with you, he doesn't want to be apart from you.

Have you experienced that kind of loving relationship in your life before?


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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As you say, his issues are his issues.

I'm trying to encourage you to first take a look at your issues because you can only change yourself and not him.


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Insted of being loss you ought to find yourself and fast. When he returns he should see a self assured wife not a wimpy one with a wet tissue.

Keep the value and respect that belongs to your family. View the WS as an enemy and demand the WS return your H to his family.

L.

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Hey and thanks...yes you are both correct. I am in the process of working on myself. I have gotten into IC, reading a lot of things on here and just trying to be as upbeat as possible when he and I do talk, which is not that often. I have ordered the book so I am going to start reading that as well. I guess what I am wondering is Plan A even an option when he comes home since he is only going to be home for 12 days. I know this may sound elementary, but I do not even know how to act or what to do when he comes home. I know I should not bombard him w/ questions but I know it is something that we have to talk about. And Mimi,you are right, I do have to find out if he is committed to this marriage. Because if he is not and then he goes back overseas, I guess that is where Plan A comes in or am I to cut my losses and move on?


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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