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A letter of support for your H is good but not for the WS. Just make sure their letter of support is directed to your H and NOT to the WS. Don't expect him to like it. He may feel like everyone is ganging up on him. Don't let that scare you from their support though. Just wanted you not to get your hopes up.

It is great they want to write him. Just caution them to make sure they are reaching your H's heart and NOT the WS'.

L.

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WS' babble and Orchid's RB retort:

WS: why do you want to stay married to me?
RB: I don't want to stay married to a WS. Would you?

WS: you are too good for me.
RB: Yes I am.

WS: i don't know what i want.
RB: Well I know what I want.

WS: i am not sure i want to be married.
RB: Typical Ws response. WS' are not the marrying kind. Now what did you do to my H?

WS: i am very confused.
RB: Yes, you are.

WS: i don't think i can come home in march.
RB: Not sure if I want you home as a WS. I hear Ws' are diffuclt to live with and have a short WS lifespan. This means most don't stay as a WS because this selfish and lying stage is just too hard to live with. The one I want and need home is my real H. Go find him.

WS: i am not sure when i can come home.
RB: (same answer as above).

WS: you shud not wait on me.
RB: I'm not.

WS: you don't need to know anything about the OW.
RB: That's what you think but I know better. Evidently you don't know much about her either.

WS: i think we got married too soon.
RB: .....now you tell me? How dare you. I want my $$ back.

Btw, some of those lines are what my WS gave me. I retorted similar to what I wrote. It took a while to get good at it. I practiced with the bathroom mirror for a while, until I got the hang of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

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Love:

IMO, The Letters of Support will not be helpful.

He will see this as more of the "begging and pleading".. which was the nature of the IM...WSes do not consider that to be ATTRACTIVE. Plus, unfortunately, as you know, REASONING with the WS is also not possible. It's the NATURE OF THE BEAST.

He will likely be more affected by the face-to-face interactions with friends and family. However, if he is anything like my H was, he will AVOID them.

Let's hope and pray, though, that he really does plan to visit them when he comes back to the States.


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Orchid, those are great...thank you so much....Ok, well I will tell them to hold off on the letters than...ya'lls input makes sense...I hope he visits them too...I am not sure there is anyway around it since he has not seen them since March and they know he is coming home Dec. 11th...But then again, a WS is capable of anything...I think I am catching on to this crap, finally....


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Hey guys...I am starting to get the feeling of being "indifferent"...meaning I am starting to not really give a crap if he comes home or not and when he does I don't really care if he wants to work it out or not...is this normal? Or have I just become numb? I am emotionally exhausted from all of this and tired of thinking about it. I guess I am getting impatient awaiting his arrival so he can drop a big huge bomb on me and the anticipation is taxing me to exhaustion. But now I really feel indifferent. Today is the 1st day I have not cried in 23 days since D-day..am what I am feeling normal?


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Read the link in my sig line about the stages of grieving. U will find that your feelings are normal and your mind and heart are getting closer in sync. You will still have days where you will cry but soon that sadness will turn to anger. You will need to learn how to handle your anger and make it productive not destructive.

L.

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ok, thanks orchid..i appreciate it....You are a Godsend


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Hey Mimi, Orchid and Believer...I have a question....I just got back from my IC and he told me that I need a plan depending on what my WH is going to do when he comes...He says that I need to be able to implement this plan with whatever my WH says to me..He came up w/ 4 different scenarios on what could take place and I wanted to hear from ya'll on what my plan should be.

1. My WH comes home, he wants out, he does not love me anymore, he does not want to be married anymore which is why he is not wanting to stay at the house w/ me.

2. My WH comes home, he loves this girl, they ARE still in contact, she IS still over there and he wants to be with her.

3. My WH comes home, he is remorseful, he is sorry, he wants to work it out, and he will do whatever he needs to do in order for that to happen.

4. My WH comes home, says that the EA is over, nothing else happened but a few kisses (maybe I believe him,maybe I don't) BUT he doesn't know what he wants. He is confused and he is not sure what he wants at all. But he still does not stay at the house, he comes home, lays all of that on me, and then leaves to go back overseas.

My IC thinks that either #1 or #4 is the most likely to happen. Can you guys give me some input on what I should do in these cases? I have a good idea on what I would do if #3 happens, but I am not banking on that considering the tone and words of my WH's im's and emails. It sounds like he has already "checked out". HELP!!! Thank you so much.


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Your PLAN is PLAN A..right?..regardless of his scenario...

The scenarios..1 through 4... are about what HE DOES...

We are encouraging you to focus on YOURSELF..

You can only control yourself...

My vote is still for #2 but she is over here and he plans to visit with her....

Regardless, I still say PLAN A....

Have you gotten a copy of Surviving an Affair? If not, try to get it ASAP in order to further understand the MB concepts and approach.


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Yes I got the copy today and have started reading it....


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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I vote for #1, because that is how these things go. You are going to have to be the strong one here.

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So believer, you think #1 is going to be what happens? I think so too...either that or he "does not know what I want" scenario...Hey, his Mom still does not know about all of this? Do I need to expose it to her? His Dad and sister do but his Mom does not...his parents are not still married, fyi....


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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I think it will be #1 because that is how they usually are - willing to give up their spouse, family, children, whatever for their "fix". Just be prepared for it.

Yes, expose to his mom.

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So how is #1 different than #2?

I say A PART of all WSes still want their marriages even though THEY SAY they don't.


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Do I need to tell his Mom? She still does not know


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Yes, for sure, tell his Mom.


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i was thinking that too...i have a feeling he is going to come home, want to end the marriage, go tell his mom he doesn't want to be married but NOT tell her the real truth about everything.....


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Hey Mimi, Orchid and Believer...I have a question....I just got back from my IC and he told me that I need a plan depending on what my WH is going to do when he comes...He says that I need to be able to implement this plan with whatever my WH says to me..He came up w/ 4 different scenarios on what could take place and I wanted to hear from ya'll on what my plan should be.

Orchid: 1st off, you need t/b done with your plan A self improvements. You also need to have your personal boundaries identified. I will answer based on the 'assumption' you are done with plan A.

Quote
1. My WH comes home, he wants out, he does not love me anymore, he does not want to be married anymore which is why he is not wanting to stay at the house w/ me.

Orchid: WS goes to get the D. That's not your job. Make sure you get EVERYTHING u r entitled to and more.

Quote
2. My WH comes home, he loves this girl, they ARE still in contact, she IS still over there and he wants to be with her.

Orchid: Same as 1, make sure exposure is to all so that he does NOT take what belongs to you and your family (wedding gifts, things bought together, etc.). The WS s/b willing to leave with nothing if the OW is that great.

Quote
3. My WH comes home, he is remorseful, he is sorry, he wants to work it out, and he will do whatever he needs to do in order for that to happen.

Orchid: Xws does the recovery work. Your taker goes into action in a reasonable way. Do NOT placate the Xws. MC for both. Call Steve.

Quote
4. My WH comes home, says that the EA is over, nothing else happened but a few kisses (maybe I believe him,maybe I don't) BUT he doesn't know what he wants. He is confused and he is not sure what he wants at all. But he still does not stay at the house, he comes home, lays all of that on me, and then leaves to go back overseas.

Orchid: Call Steve for YOUR recovery plan. Learn about plan B and implement when u r ready.

Quote
My IC thinks that either #1 or #4 is the most likely to happen. Can you guys give me some input on what I should do in these cases? I have a good idea on what I would do if #3 happens, but I am not banking on that considering the tone and words of my WH's im's and emails. It sounds like he has already "checked out". HELP!!! Thank you so much.

Orchid: Any slowness or apprehension on his part should NOT be taken lightly. He shrivels up even a bit and you had better have plan B ready to spring into action. Most Xws with withdrawal will try to make the BS do the recovery work. If you do a good plan A and id'd your boundaries, the builk of your work is done. It is his recovery work and regaining your trust that is the big task and that rests on his shoulders.

You don't do a lot for him at this stage. You be supportive for what is right but do NOT allow him to make your enable his WS ways, attitude or even enable the A. You are NOT to be made guilty for his antics.

JMHO,
L.

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Orchid: 1st off, you need t/b done with your plan A self improvements. You also need to have your personal boundaries identified. I will answer based on the 'assumption' you are done with plan A.


I think Orchid has forgotten that you have not done Plan A.

If you have decided that you want to work on your marriage, Plan A comes first.


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Well. I do want to work on the marriage...But in order for that to happen, he has to be here PHYSICALLY...BUT, contract wise, he cannot come home before March. There is no way around that, unfortunately. So am I to assume that if he comes home, is not sure of "what he wants",goes back, that I am to implement Plan A then? And then if he does not come home in March, go to Plan B? I think that is what I am gathering from all the info you guys have told me. But I just wanted to be clear. You guys are so awesome.


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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