Answer this: What are your plans?

Plan 1: He comes home as a WS.

Action:



Plan 2: He comes home as an Xws.

Action:


Plan 3: He comes home as your H.

Action:


Plan 4: He doesn't come home.

Action:


Remember you can't control him. You can only control yourself. Know that your home is just that your home. He needs to show he is a valuable family member. Having an A or WS attitude does not qualify him as a valuable family member.

L.

Answer this: What are your plans?

Plan 1: He comes home as a WS.

Action: Stay in control, do not lose my cool, remain calm, RB, no LB'S, do not expect the truth, do not reason, plead, beg, or act needy and desperate, tell him my wants/needs and exlain that I am going to continue on w/ my life.



Plan 2: He comes home as an Xws.

Action: the same as above but ask for complete honesty.


Plan 3: He comes home as your H.

Action: the same as above in 1 and 2


Plan 4: He doesn't come home.

Action: the same as 1

Thanks for sharing your plans. Woud you like some constructive critcism on them?

L.

yes, please......and orchid, i have been LBng, but only in the financial aspect of it...i ran out of oil for our heat the other night and had to ask him for $..he already pays for my rent and car payment....

Orchid: I am not worried about your LBing. That's a given. In fact it isn't an LB if you need something important. How you say it maybe an LB but the simple act of asking for help isn't. Ok....here goes my take on your responses below:


Orchid: Execute plan A, but only for a short period of time. He needs to see your changes. During this time, complete identifying your boundaries (it will change during this time), secure your finances (which you can do now), increase your support system (which you should have already done)and prepare for plan B. If he is still a WS, then enact plan B. You will know when to enact plan B. Your mind and heart MUST be in sync. Ready to move forward for you. Remember you can NOT teach a WS (that will cut down on the LBing).

You go to MC for you. If he asks, let him know you are. If he doesn't do not volunteer. Fight the need to tell the WS off or tell him everything you are doing.

It is much better to keep the WS off balanced by him 'wondering' what you are up to. If he accuses you of spying on him..... don't say yes or no, tell him 'oh?!?!? thanks for the idea!' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Same as item 1. Expect him to revert back to a WS and when he does whip out that plan B. Remember your mind and heart MUST be in sync. When he wimpers and whines, remind him that he left the family and he needs to show value to be allowed back into your family. No real LOVE talk, more logical, common sense talk. Say little. Learn to look him in the eye and ask leading questions. Do not expect answers right away. You need patience along with a clear mind and calm heart. Lots of patience.

My Xws would take between 3 - 10 days to answer a simple question. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> re: WS' process logical thoughts slowly. That is because logic is not part of their make up.

Look for signs of your H. He is around trying to communicate to you. Show you know your H is trying to communicate with you by making 'small' mention of when he does surface. Remind him, you love your H NOT the WS.

You go to counseling. Invite him but go even if he doesn't.
Remove his excuses. Stay out of his way but around enough for him to know you care. He will be in withdrawal and needs his space.


Orchid: Same as item 2, get to counseling


Orchid: Item 1 plus, pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Minimize your contact with him and let him know you are looking for your H and appreciate if he could give your H a message from you. Don't give the message until another time. He needs to wonder what you are up to.

Those are my thoughts. Some of it comes from what I have learned here and what I had to do in my case. While our cases are not identical, apply what is useful in your sitch.

All the best,
L.

Ok, that is wonderful advice..I appreciate it...I do wanna ask though, what do you mean to have your "mind and heart in sync"? Are you meaning to stick to my ground, excute Plan B and stick to it? I am not sure I understand what you mean..thanks Orchid..you are awesome

((( Love )))

Here is a suggestion that helps me feel calm when in turbulent waters --

I close my eyes and raise my hands to God... With raised hands and closed eyes -- I give the situation to God.

Love, I can atually feel the weight of the problem leave my fingertips...

You may want to try this and see if it makes you feel any better..

And -- speaking of feeling better -- you are receiving help from some of the very best here on MB !!!

These people will YOU with YOUR recovery...


Sincerely, Carnation

Heart and mind in sync: The single movement of 2 separate organs or in this case, thought and feelings.

Often a BS will be in shock and the mind will go in the logical direction but the heart tugs in the other. This leaves the BS frustrated and hurt. It is difficult to make life changing decisions in this emotional state.

Once the mind and heart sync up on the same page, then reasonable life changing decisions can be made. It is recommended this come after a good plan A has been executed and plan B has been outlined.

JMHO,
L.

ok,cool,,,,thanks orchid..wish me luck..he comes in tomorrow around 7p EST....

Orchid/Believer..please pray for me to control and keep my strength...my WH will be home in 2 hrs. for our "talk"...I am so nervous and anxious....Please pray!!!!!!!

pepperband, any last words of wisdom or advice??????

((( Love )))

I am praying.....

Post deleted by LoveGod

Well, I for one think you did fine - there's no way I could have just sat on those e-mails, either.


Anytime a WS says "I'm not sure what I want," that really means, "I want to be both married and single and now that I'm busted I'm not sure how to keep that going."

Don't ever forget that. They're not confused. They want BOTH.
Mulan

Oh, that is very good news. Hang in there and stay in Plan A. Try to make lots of love deposits in his bank.

Now you know one of his needs is more financial support. I hope you can figure out a way to do that. Try to cut down on non-essentials, and make a good effort.

Post deleted by LoveGod

Sounds great, Love..

But, if at all possible, it seems like it would be best for you to go with him to visit his parents...

As much time with him as possible is essential, I think...

Hey Mimi, cud not go w/ him-had to work. He is there now w/ his family. I feel so alone and lost right now. I told him the other night that I did not want a LSA and if he did, then he was going to have to hire the lawyer and do the work to get it. He didn't respond to that. I have a feeling he is going to leave w/o any resolution to this and that really scares me-I found out that OW is still over there but they have had NC since end of Oct. I feel very alone and sad right now. I have not heard from him today (he called me 2 x's yesterday)....I cannot get any more info-he changed his password on his email last night. I just really need some advice right now on what to do if we do not come to any agreement before he leaves. I am afraid he will go back, get back into that routine, become absorbed by that environment, suffer from even more PTSD, and lose him forever. Please help me w/ this if you guys can. Thanks.

Anybody there? Anyone?

Hey everyone-My WH just left, today, to go back overseas....his time here was good...we talked a lot, I did a great Plan A, he and I talked about him coming home for good in April and working this out....It was hard to say goodbye to him, again, as it always has been in the past...he still has had NC w/ OW...not even sure she is still over there....But he and I talked a lot about a lot of things.....bottom line is he is just not happy w/ himself which means he cannot make me happy....I told him that it was not his job to make me happy and that is something i have to do on my own...He did stress how much it bothered him that I was not able to "meet" him 1/2 way financially and that is something I am correcting right now....So we got a lot of things out in the open...He feels very ashamed and guilty for what he did over there and he knows it was stupid, etc etc...So I guess I am going to remain in Plan A and see what happens..my fear is that he is going to change his mind again and again and again..How do I handle that???