I know this is crazy, but hear me out.

I am 13 days removed from D-Day. The A has been over for 15 days. NC has been established for 5 days (I hope!). I am still at a point where I run spyware on her PC, read emails, and I'm researching a digital voice recorder for when she meets her female friend next week for lunch (who knows of the A). I have resumed kissing her goodbye, giving loving gentle touches, foot rubs, etc. She is receptive, but is in no way affectionate towards me yet (no touches period initiated by her). I am much more open with her about my feelings but she is still walled off.

Yet I am agreeing to buy a house with her (sell our house and buy a bigger one in the same neighborhood). We placed the offer last night, and we will probably get it.

We joke that we are going to "go down in flames" together. Commit financial suicide so to speak. She wants the house as a way to force herself to stay in the marriage and give rebuilding a shot. I am agreeing to the house as a way of saying to her with financial ruin on the line that I am in this with her for keeps. I have no wish other than to be happily married to her (keyword there is happily for both of us) for the rest of my days. I know the house is crazy because of the state of our marriage. We are only 1 session into MC, and she's not even actively participating yet. As far as I know, she could resume an A or pursue a D in a year. She has felt betrayed by me (neglect, not loving her enough, not protecting her, not putting her first, etc.) for a long time. Her love for me is almost nonexistent at this point. But with the help of this site I think I can do it. I already see it working. I have lost weight. I stay positive. I internalize the concept that she would be CRAZY to not choose me. I write down every morning how I want to love and protect my wife and I write down all the ways I try to meet her needs during that day.

But one of my fears is that she doesn't trust that I really love her or that I will ever forgive her (I do not think I will have a problem fully forgiving her as long as she fully loves me again). I think she's afraid that she will become emotionally invested in the M again and that I will be secretly harboring resentment and eventually decide to leave her. The house is my way of saying, no, I truly want us to recover and build a better life and marriage than we ever had before the A.

What does everyone think? Am I crazy? Am I deluding myself to think that so soon after DDay I can commit to a major life purchase like this with her?

TomFool

Yes it is crazy and yes it is delusional.

A HOUSE does not have the power to do any of the things you are asking it to.

Don't do it dude.

"What does everyone think? Am I crazy? Am I deluding myself to think that so soon after DDay I can commit to a major life purchase like this with her?"

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Absolutely crazy and you should know better.

A new house or home improvements won't make one shred of difference to your marriage or love for each other. Spend your money on counselling (and do NOT quit early), dates, vacations, etc.

No offense here I don't think crazy covers it.

I went to thesaurus.com and here are some others for you.

ape, barmy, batty, berserk, bonkers*, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, delirious, demented, deranged, dingy*, dippy*, erratic, flaky, flipped*, flipped out*, freaked out*, fruity*, haywire, idiotic, insane, kooky, lunatic, mad, maniacal, mental*, moonstruck*, nuts, nutty, potty*, psycho*, screw loose*, screwball*, screwy*, silly, touched*, unbalanced, unglued*, unhinged*, unzipped*, wacky, whacko

So there you go.

I agree with norm. If you want to see commitment make it to MC and IC. Make a commitment to each other not to go down in financial ruins but to stay together and have a better M.

It's magical thinking TF.

The WS speciality. So I'm not suprised that she thinks it's a smashing plan...but I'm sad to see you being sucked into this.

You are allowing wishfull thinking to erode reality.

Wishfullness= If I make this big gesture or place us in a no way out corner we will just HAVE to make it/be reconciled/whathaveyou.

Reality= Your wife was in an affair mere weeks ago and the trauma for you both...and the issues for you both will be measured in YEARS. You do not even KNOW that your M can BE recovered at this point and nothing you can do with change that or speed the process.

What COULD more likely happen is that the FINANCIAL strain puts EVEN MORE pressure on an already failing marriage. Your WW will probably feel trapped as will you. You may grow to HATE the house as a result. Your wife may flake on you..and possibly come and go for a period of months...what to do about the bills then?

You are trying to find a magic pill and are dangerously close to swallowing cyanide instead. The very thing you hope will be a step to cement your recovery could be it's undoing.

I don't think you are crazy. I think you are grasping at a straw though.

Your WW is hoping this distracts you, more or less.

We started a huge expensive house remodel after DDay 1. And this was after a year of MC, and she swore with tears in her eyes she loved me and was so, so sorry and would do anything to make her LTA up to me. And remodeling the house would be such a beautiful recommitment, yeah, yeah, yeah...

All while the LTA was still going on, for another 5 years.

And she had the same suggestion after DDay 2!

Sheesh.

Put your time and $$ into what will actually help you and your marriage, not just blow more fog into your lives. And, I might add, just increase financial stress in your marriage.

Yes, this is a diversion. Don't do it.

with prayers,

LOL...looks like this one is pretty one-sided.

How about if I add this: It's the PERFECT house. We love the neighborhood. It has the space we need for the kids. Good schools, etc.

So I guess my question now is: What are our likely chances for recovery? What are the success rates for recovery after an A? If there is a good chance we can recover from this, then at the end of the day we'll be in our dream house together.

TomFool

There are OTHER perfect houses and neighborhoods.

First fix the marriage. Your odds of recovering are entirely subject to the effort you BOTH put into it.

No way to predict that.

I am going to get it from others.......but i understand your POV.

i see your logics........

but is it that you are trying to buy her love?

are children involved?

If you put this purchase on hold......where are you both then at?

if you didnt have this option, what would you have done?

Just a thought..try create memories from spending time together(rules of protection)

vacations is a good start.......

dont try to "trap love" though.....this is just advice.

not a command.

Thanks nc.

I am definitely not trying to buy her love. She makes almost as much money as me. We do have 2 young girls, and they LOVE the house so far.

If we put the purchase on hold, I think we'd be in about the same place in our M. The focus would be on my own self-improvement, and gradually draw her out of withdrawal and into her own active attempts at recovery and self-improvement. The major difference is that we would definitely have more disposable income at our older, smaller house, which of course could make life easier and let us afford as much counseling as we need. I think we will still be able to continue counseling even in the new house though.

I am not trying to trap her. I think she is definitely trying to trap herself though.

I have to agree with everyone else TF.

I do NOT think this is a good idea at this time. Your M is very fragile right now. You do not need ANY additional stress on it at this point.

It is good that you want to make a grandeous gesture to prove your commitment to her. But she will be unable to appreciate that for MONTHS.

This grand gesture will not push (F)WW and you into recovery faster. I'm worried that it will have the opposite effect and create additional stress.

She's still in the Shock stage of this. Withdrawl woun't likely set in for weeks yet. Withdrawl could last for months depending upon how many "accidental" contacts she has.

I would highly recommend keeping things normal for quite a while, especially for your young COM. The stress that your (F)WWs' withdrawl will bring will be plenty enough to deal with.

A wise man (who founded this board) once mentioned. "You CAN NOT push anyone into recovery quicker. But you CAN delay it"

Stay Strong!

I don't think it is possible to make a logical decision so soon after Dday. It seems far too hasty under the circumstances, IMO.

Wait a minute. Your 1.5 year old daughter LOVES this house? I think you are trying to convince yourself that this is not a HUGE mistake.

By the way, how did she go from not discussing the details of the affair, to going to see the house together?

Let me ask you this question.

Can you reasonably afford the house on JUST your income...

The house AND your other expenses?

OK, the 1.5 year old also loves washing her hands in the toilet.

Very good question about how my W went from there to here. It surprised me too. It was all her idea. Like I said, she is trying to trap herself. She thinks that it will give her extra incentive to stay in the marriage and work on it. Her love for me had been declining for a long time, so she was ready to leave after I discovered the A. I took it as a very positive sign that she would be willing to buy a house with me, so I ran with the idea once it was out there.

I feel like the A was the kick in the stomach I needed to really evaluate my own life, my behavior, and my M. I feel like my eyes are open and I'm armed with knowledge and support now. In short, I feel that there is no reason why we shouldn't be able to recover. If the house is what she needs either as a way to trap herself in the short-term or as a test to see if I am going to be able to forgive her, then I'm ok with that.

...I think you can probably all picture a disillusioned TomFool 2 years from now laughing at the delusions of this post while soused on whiskey.

TomFool

..and sitting in his slum apt because he lost his house and his credit was shot with the bankruptcy.

Believer tapping foot and waiting for the answer to Noodle's post on finances...........

No, I can not afford the place by myself. Not even close.