There's your answer...

I have a couple of questions:
1) Do you live in a community property state?
2) The house you currently own - was it purchased together during your marriage or did one of you own it before your current marriage?

I'll ask more questions after these are answered <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BTW...I'm a firm believer that nobody should own a home that they can't afford on their own, without their spouse's income.

Tom,

FWIW, 2 weeks after D-day I would not say your WW has yet become a FWW. The "F" has to be earned. It is done by finding out what it was that led to the A in the first place. By that I don't mean "My needs weren't being met, so I looked elsewhere." Someplace, deep down, a WS has to realize that what they did was THEIR fault, not the BS's. The real question is this; "How was it possible for me to think that having an affair was the right thing to do, and how was I able to even consider the possibility?" That will lead to what must be "fixed" in the marriage.

Quoted here again this week: "Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy; it's supposed to make you MARRIED!"

When a WS can answer the question of how did I allow this to happen so that it can never happen again, even under the same conditions; then, and only then do they earn the title of FWS.

As for the house...My WW started talking about buying a new house, 500 miles from here, 10 days after D-day and 7 after telling me she wanted a DV and 5 days after telling me she could NEVER give up what she had w/OM.

As already stated, the first thing is to fix your M. NC MUST be established and then it takes about 2 or three weeks after that for the fog to even begin to lift. Before then, little can be done to restore the R, let alone committing to buying a new house.

JMHO.

Mark

It is a mistake to make a decision with so many emotions up in the air. You should never make such a life changing decision based on emotions of what you "think" will happen.

What you are saying sounds rational, and it is in the heat of the moment born of the need to repair what is broken between you two. WW don't think rationally. You want the M to work so YOU are not thinking rationally.

Imagine this scenario: You move to the house, it doesn't work, WW files for custody of the children & support. You are now NOT living in your dream-house, but the WW is in the dream-house with your children.

I would even go so far as to say that you are being selfish and living in a fantasy of your own. What would happen if it doesn't work and niether of you can afford the house ? What would all these moves do to your children's well-being ?

First fix the marriage ... and THEN move.

1) Yes (California)
2) We bought the house together. We've been on almost equal financial footing since we first met, although my income is now 25% higher than hers.

As for buying only a house I can afford on my own, well in this area, that would be no house at all I guess.

TomFool

Could you afford your current house on your own? I would certainly not advocate making a major change so soon after D-Day, especially if your W is not 100% committed to making this marriage work.

If the current house was purchased together during the marriage, then I don't have any other questions about it. I was concerned that perhaps somebody might be trying to get their hands on separate property by converting it to community property (buying a new house after marriage) - but if it's already community property then that isn't the case here.

It truly may be a motivator for your W to "trap herself" and force herself to want to fix this...but, it's a really expensive experiment, don't you think? All parties involved (betrayeds and waywards) are emotionally volatile right after D-Day...not the best time to be making major life decisions!

Please talk this over with someone in your family. You are not thinking straight. Do you really want a woman who has to be "trapped" into staying with you?

OK...

Can your marriage recover? Absolutely. I am one that can attest to the fact that one should NEVER say never....

This house is a long term deal...in the grand scheme of life it is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in yoru life. the largest financial commitments you’ll make in your life..and in my opinion is just behind the commitment you make to your spouse.

So, in light of all of this let me ask you this. You have not been married but you planned on doing so, invitations in mail, payments made, people already in from out of town…..would you marry her 2 weeks after D-Day??

But…it sounds like you have already done this so….make due with what you have and work on your marriage…..In fact if I were you I’d change the subject…to helping you recover….cause you have a long….long road ahead of you…

substitute just ONE word.... to see if your premise sounds valid & logical right after D-day

~~~>She wants the baby as a way to force herself to stay in the marriage and give rebuilding a shot.<~~~

doesn't this sound like a nonsensical approach to a serious emotional/moral/marital dilemma?

Pep

I think the problem might be...that with the magical thinking element he MIGHT be game for something like that.

Hopefully he'll be along to respond...but if WW said honey bunches of oats what we need to do to motivate me to stay in this is get preggers...well I wouldn't expect a lot more clarity.

I REMEMBER this mindset and I remember being called on it by close friends.

I REMEMBER how I resisted and how upset and angry I felt when my fantasies were challenged and I was so invested in them.

Thank you all very much for your responses. It's really great having input from clearer heads that have BTDT.

It's all very sobering. I know you're right. Right about the house. Right about my magical thinking. In my fantasies I think I can turn this whole M around in no time. When I see recovery timelines of months and years, I think "that's for other people, not for us". We'll see how optimistic I feel if it's 6 months later and the W gives no affection, sex, positive words etc. Then as you've all said I'll be stuck in a house I can't afford with a W who doesn't love me.

Of course, if that's where the M is at in 6 months then the house will be the least of my problems.

TomFool

Well, you are very new here. Buying a new home isn't going to make much difference in the long run. Your marriage will either make it or not. But I think you are taking on more problems.

In the future, how about running your ideas by us BEFORE you take any action?

FWIW- my BH and I bought a house a couple months after d-day. He expressed the feeling that if we bought the house, by the time we moved in he'd be able to forgive me. Needless to say, that has not happened.

BUT- we do love our home, are having fun doing things together for it (shopping, planting grass seed, etc). BH cannot afford it on his own, either.

So I say that if you're in an area of CA that is still relativley hot real-estate wise, you really have nothing to lose.

IMVHO.

i think this is absolutely insane. you have no idea what is in store for you emotionally....even in the best of recoveries there are still really bad moments.

you need to think of your kids right now...putting them through this with the possibility of them also losing their home in the near future is a horrible idea.

after d-day i locked down all our finances.....i wouldnt agree to anything that was considered big spending for 4 yrs.....and i am glad i did.

Of course she suggested looking at a house. That's an excellent distraction for you. Right now you're on here asking about it instead of dealing with the real issues.

Real issues first, then real estate. The priorities should go in that order.

TF:

My BS and I had contracted to put in a pool at our house two weeks before Dday.

The dirt was to fly 5 days after Dday.

It was a huge step and we still had alot of decisions to make, and the bombshell of the A was thrown into the middle of it.

What is different?

We had been discussing adding the pool for 4-5 years. And I was in the middle of a LTA for 4.5 years at that point.

But I was busted. And I recommitted to M. I really did. No waffling on my part.

Are you sure that your W is at this point? Mine sure wasn't.

And she made darn sure that she could afford the pool and house after my butt was gone if it came down to that.

So, that is the choice.

And you are betting on a wild card. My BS did. And she seems to have won.

And the situation that you describe regarding your relationship with your W two weeks after dday is no where near as positive as mine was.

She is not intimate with you. Within 4 days we had had SF. But, it wasn't because I begged, I had to earn it. And I did. We had reconnected on a level that had never existed in our M. So you are not there with WS yet. The week after Dday was one of the most intense emotional periods in my life. Needless to say, it was for BS as well, but many other emotions that you can probably relate too.

We both had learned and internalized the Harley concepts, had ordered the books and even booked the MB W/E. I had done much of these things, proving my committment. What has your WS Done?

Do you know the root causes for the A in your M? Without rose colored glasses? And without the WS "just Agreeing" with you?

So, You have to sell your existing house, right?

Then you have to close on the new one. The market is somewhat slack right now. You have about 90 days before a real committment has to be made.

There are inspections and loan approvals and the buyer of your home that can throw this off track. And you can use these as an out if need be. If her heart hasn't come around yet.

So, look at the bottom line. Does buying the house make sense if this M blows up? You should be very skeptical of WS verbal actions and committments, only her PHYSICAL Actions should control.

Good luck either way...

Tom,

I disagree with all the posters. Buying your wife a new house is an excellant way to show you love her. It will make her forget the OM.

Besides, I have my commission to worry about.

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

How about the PURE stress it is buillding a house? Are you building it? One good thing, if you are currently living close to the *new house....your own house won't be a disaster...if you were adding an addition.....I wouldn't recommend that. IDK....maybe NEW HOUSE = NEW START.

It's only been 3 weeks since our D-Day....we had plans of building a barn for my hubby's stuff and my 2 horses. His heart is not *in it*...I pray my husband wants to try as hard as you do. We ARE building the barn and I'm comprisming on orginal plans....no big deal....To me it's a sign that he wants me here. I just hate to see him stressed out more than he already is.