Your words to NC and M2L touched my heart in a special way today. I really, really needed to hear that message. God is working through you to me, LA.

This was my inspirational quote from yesterday. I don't know the author:

"Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius."

You were speaking this message today, LA.

Thanks.

(((((LA)))))

Thank you, My Mimi, for recognition and sharing you were touched.

And for your quote, too...

Because patience isn't an inhale, waiting...it is breathing in the journey to see all that is part of it...so we can hear, feel, taste and touch in our relationship with God.

So many times, I heard God speaking through you in your posts...awesome to know you heard him in mine.

Now...you've provided me a place to ask you this...

"I'm old and my feelings can be easily hurt."

Not a direct quote...from memory.

Why judge your feelings? And is that a phrase you have from the earliest part of your life?

I ask because I do know to be someone who puts their heart out there, to others...compassion and empathy. You've proven you're courageous in your life...can you tell me how far along in your journey you are in your choice of action remains locked into response and how much is based solely on your own code?

I see you...I look for and read you...you nourish me in ways I'm surprised to discover were hungry at all...can you trust every post you write is of value, regardless of response or non-response?

It is.

You are.

LA

Oh my Goodness, Loving...

This is SOOOO VERY TRUE of me but I don't believe I consciously acknowledge this very often. I JUST TRUDGE ON...Yes, having SURVIVED through an AWFUL lot.....



If I truly understand what you are asking, I've come a LONG WAYS on this. I think that there are not many that have gone where I've gone..seen what I have seen..experienced what I have experienced...in terms of EMOTIONAL PAIN..maybe a judgment..maybe an assumption...but I am EMOTIONAL..isn't that a song <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />....which is an issue for me in numerous ways, come to think of it.... One thing...I think some folks are intimidated (for want of a better word) by my emotionality..and rightly so because I am passionate about what I believe in, how I feel...I can be POWERFUL...I FEEL DIFFERENT THAN OTHER PEOPLE...

Actually, my feelings aren't hurt that much anymore. I was joking with Rinder..but I guess have become so accustomed to saying that because I used to be that way and know what it's like. You know, AUTOMATIC STATEMENT..HABIT. I've developed SELF-RESPECT. I know who I am, will tell you how I feel, am not such a people pleaser. Just the other day a number of my colleagues disagreed with me on an issue and wanted me to cave in and agree with them during a meeting but I DID NOT. I stood up for what was RIGHT and now they RESPECT me for it. They might not like me as much as they used to..This is how I have grown and how I am now very changed and different.

But you are right. I still have the need for acknowledgement that I am being listened to..I tend to CHECK for understanding..because I said before I FEEL DIFFERENT from an EMOTIONAL POINT of view...

What is CHANGED about me now is that I don't need for folks to agree with me and I don't have a strong need to please them.

I AM DIFFERENT..I AM ME... because of what I have seen and been through in this life...IT IS WHAT IT IS...


What I needed to accept TODAY and continue to mourn and heal from is the LOSS of what I wanted and needed from my mother. I've been working lately on what I'm going to do about that relationship. I thought that I was reaching some closure. LA, you and I talked about this some before.

I saw her by chance in the parking lot here the other day and what she reported back to my OS about our conversation again validated that she just DOES NOT GET IT about me. That is what is hard for me to ACCEPT..but I've come a long ways...in getting THERE. I shared this with my OS today and he said that "SHE DOESN'T GET ME EITHER". WOW!!!! She doesn't FEEL like a mother to me and doesn't FEEL like a GRANDMOTHER to him he said. That's lots of insight for him to have..really because she hasn't been....That's another thing that has hurt me..that LOSS in their lives...with the other grandmothers at the soccer games, etc....

Does this fit with what you were asking, LA?

I can't thank you enough for how much you (and all my other godsends here) have helped me on my strugggle through PERSONAL RECOVERY.

You answered my question very well for me to understand, Mimi...

And you brought in what you're staying aware of and working on...mourning the loss of expectations you had, your OS has...of roles we fill as humans.

Thousands of times you and he have heard, "Not what a mother would do or say" or "That's what mothers are" and your mother didn't fit. Doesn't, actually, make you unusual. Remember with Imago...it really is impossible to have all our needs met as infants and children...isn't possible...and for those who had a lot of needs not met, the disconnection from our parents is a terrible struggle.

Because God made our bonding process deep and wide...actually, we don't struggle with our disconnect...more so, with theirs from us...

Remember...what is hers is about her...she may never have learned how to connect deeply, bridge her own fear...all about her, from the inside...not you as a daughter, not him as a grandson...just her...not coming through her biggest challenge...the one God brought opportunity to her time and time again...so accepting is your highest calling with her...for herself, separate from her roles...just her...another human...

And give yourself full permission to grieve what you did not experience with her...open yourself to have future experiences with her...and recognize all the mothers your chose along the way who got you here...your mentors, friends, the women who shared...even for one second...that which you craved...and how much you have given, been and acted as you wished she had...you have all of that...an abundance...not a lack.

((((Mimi))))

LA

P.S. How about starting a new acronym with me? RPP...Recovered People Pleaser?

Hey Mimi...I was told you have a lot of experience on here and I was needing some advice..Noone will seem to answer my posts on here and I am feeling a little neglected b/c I really need some help. My H is overseas and he confessed 2 weeks ago that he had an EA..he said it went no further than a few kisses....He is coming home in Dec. for R and R and I am wanting to know how I implement Plan A when he is only home for 12 days...He goes back and won't be home again until March. I just need some guidance. I am new to MB and just really need some help. Amy