So I am digging through SOOOO many of these posts. I know I have lots of questions, but I need some quick advice while I am digesting all the great info here. I am wondering what action I should take after my wife admitted to an affair.

Here it is quick and dirty: My wife of 7.5 year just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with someone she met (not a coworker) while on a business trip. Our sex life has been going downhill for the last 18 months or so, and it's not until I pushed her hard to explain the infrequency of sex and lack of general intimacy that she told me. The affair could be 4 or 6 months old by now maybe a little longer if it started with a one night stand. She was waiting to tell me until after my bother's wedding in early January.

She says that she thinks it is over between us, but is willing to see a counselor. We do not have children. We are about a year from finishing a complete renovation on a condo we own together (which we live in and do all the work – a significant source of stress) The OP is married with at least one child.

I know that I have shock to get over, and have done pretty well with it all. I am probably too numb at this point to have any large emotional response.

So, at this point, these are my questions:

What should I be telling her right now? She's been honest with me so far, but I have only asked for enough specifics to understand the general time frame and scope of the affair. I asked her not to see him until after by brother’s wedding to give me time to get over the initial shock. She agreed, but I am having a hard time believing her (obviously).

Do I notify his spouse? WW indicates that OP's wife is unaware. A problem with that is that I know only the OP’s first name, so I cannot look him or his wife up. Don’t know that I have the money to hire an investigator to follow WW. We tend to have different friends, so finding friends to talk to her is difficult. I guess I should reach out to her mother and father, but that is a really difficult step for me.

As I mentioned, I already asked not to see him for about 6 weeks. Do I ask her not to call him? Really confused about that.

I have moved out of the bedroom – is that a good idea?

So – it seems that I have a 6 week window before we are back in a situation where WW is seeing the OP. I see this as a way to get some initial counseling. Any suggestions about how to find a counselor and what to look for in one are appreciated.

Thanks

What caused your W to have the affair???

With no kids involved, study, read and think long and hard about whether you want to stay in a marriage with someone who has deceived you.

Do you think you can forgive her? Do you think you will be able to trust her again? Do you think she might have an affair again?

Welcome, you have come the the right place. First thing you need to do is read the "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" thread in the Infidelity/Just Found Out board. Secondly, read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. Here are the other things that you need to do.

1. Insist on NO CONTACT with the other man. If she refuses (or continues behind your back), EXPOSE her to anyone in a position to pressure her to end the affair (her friends and family, your family, etc.).
2. Dig into your wife's phone records, emails, or anything that will give you the identity of this other person, and notify their spouse.
3. Spy on your wife to make sure that she maintains NC with the OM. As long as there is contact, your wife will waffle about your marriage.
4. Fill out the emotional needs questionnaire (and have your wife fill one out) and start meeting her emotional needs while avoiding love busters.
5. BE PATIENT! Healing from an affair takes a LONG TIME! Understand that you didn't get to this point overnight, and things won't resolve themselves overnight either.
6. Listen to the advice of the posters on this board that have hundreds or thousands of posts to their credit. These guys are pros that have been through this themselves and help countless others just like you.
7. Work on yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Use this as an opportunity to fix all the things wrong with yourself. You will need God and your family for support.
8. Move back into your bedroom. She is the one having the affair, she needs to move out if she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you.

Good luck! Have faith and be strong and you will find out that there is lots of hope. Most people coming to this board find out by snooping on their spouse. The fact that she has come clean is a good sign that she still has some hope for this marriage.

- Jim

SISK:

Sorry you have to be here at Marriage Builders, But welcome.

Please read all over this site. There are a whole bunch of similar stories.

First, find out who the Other Man (OM) is and expose the Affair (A) to the Other Man's Wife (OMW).

As soon as possible. Use cell phone records, call the place that they met on the business trip, Ask her, she might tell youWhatever it takes.

To kill the A gives you the best chance of recovering your M. ANd exposureto OMW will be the blow that can kill it the fastest.

You Wayward Wife (WW) will be angry about this action, but that will pass. It may take a while, but you want here back right?

Read about Plan A on this site. You need to begin that process as soon as possible.

Move back into the bedroom, Can't hurt. You haven't violated that space, she has.

Your agreement with her that you are giving it "6 weeks" means nothing. Can you throw away 7.5 years of your life, for only 6 weeks of effort to save it?

Others here can help with additional exposure needs, and snooping techniques. You must insure that your wife indeed does go to NO CONTACT (NC). Her statements to the contrary mean nothing. She is guilty until proven innocent.

Buy His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) and Surviving An Affair (SAA) from this website. Do not look for them at the store. You may find them but it takes to long. Read them.

This site works. I am proof of this.

And it gets uglier before it gets better....

sis, if you want to save your marriage, you should contact the OMW and inform her of the affair. I would also suggest exposing the affair to other close, key ppl in your lives, such as her parents, your parents and close family members. It shouldn't be too hard to find out who the OM is, start with her phone bill and do a reverse look up on his #. You can also ask her who he is, but just don't tell her why you want to know.

Sorry you are here.

If there are no kids, RUN!!! You are about to go down a long, long painful process where there is no marriage (marriage is not a piece of paper) and no need to raise children. The details haven't come yet, the sex flasbacks, evidence. You can avoid all of this with the knowledge that it was not your fault. Wouldn't you hate to have kids, 3 of them, 15 years down the road, she does it again and you look back saying, "Why did I stay?" Her character is not going to fix itself, she does not even have any guilt. She will NOT be able to not contact him for the time period you've requested. This is wishful thinking, why would she be considerate now. When kids come and she feels trapped, at home, fat and neglected, then what? Go to spector.com and download it. Prepare to take care of yourself.

I would think the more important question for sis to ask himself, is that are you the kind of person who could actually let this behind him, and move on from it. I am not. My wife had an A, and said she was sorry she did it. Yeah, she was so sorry about it, a month later, she is already on man number 3. Something like that, I cannot ever learn to trust her again. The next time she wanted to go out with friends, I would only think I wonder what his name is this time.

I think if you don't have kids, maybe it would be best to walk away from it. It sucks, but only you know if this would keep you from truly having a happy trusting relationship.

I am thinking about wheter or not I want to stay in this marriage. That's a question that is going to take some time (and counseling) to answer. First response is yes, and that is not a desperate, flailing refusal to accept reality. I really do want to see this work. Ask me again in a few months though.

I know I can forgive her. All the pain aside, I know everyone is human. It'll take time to get there, though.

As far as what caused her to have the affair - I guess after 6 years, it was easy to fall into a rythm and maybe boredom set in on her side... Combine that with opportunity on her part and viola.

thanks lousygolfer

I have decided to try to track down the OMW. That's going to be a heck of a challenge, but maybe I can find it.

My wife's mobile phone is a work phone, so I do not see the records. She is starting a new job in a couple of weeks and will need to switch to her own phone at some point before that. I am hoping I can figure out which number or numbers are the OM's when she is not looking and trace them down.

BTW - if anyone has tips on how to do a reverse lookup on a mobile phone, I am all ears. I have zero practice at this.

Same with the computer - we both have work laptops and neither of us users the other's machine. I don't even know her passwords.

I'll move back into the bedroom immediately.

It's not difficult for me to insist on no contact. The problem is enforcing it. Given that we are both busy and out of the house often, I just don't know how to verify.

thanks

Have you read the spying 101 thread

If not...click HERE

btw, when you expose do not forewarn anyone. Forewarned is forearmed. No matter what the outcome OM's Wife needs to know about the affair and preferably in the most timely manner possible.

Mr. Wondering

You both need to be tested for STD's. Please reread Melody's response. It is essential that you expose this affair immediately to everyone of importance especially the OM's wife. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

So an update for all you out there

I did track down the OMW, and she is now aware. It really makes me feel good that she knows since they have 3 young children.

Now since my last post, I have gone through the emotional ride that you have all been through before. I am now thinking logically about saving my marriage.

Assuming that saving the marriage is the right thing...

I am in plan A hard core. I am doing everything I can to make this an attractive relationship, and have no problem continuing this for the forseeable future. This brings us to question 1. How long to I put plan A into place? I am now considering when and how to put plan B into action. So question 2. We live together and neither of us has the income it owould take to live alone. We both earn roughly the same and each contributes to the house note, maintenance, bills, etc. Should I insist that she leave the house, or should I leave? In the case that she leaves, is it reasonable for me to expect that she would still contribute to her half of the mortgage?

Again - I am just considering what Plan B needs to look like so I can prepare for it.

That said, I keep coming back to the original assumption. Do I WANT to save the marriage? The further we go down this road, the more that I see that she is completely remorseless. I mean, I don't expect her to come around to my love instantly - i know that is unrealistic. I am just shocked that she hasn't even given me a heartfelt apology for hurting me and our relationship.

any thoughts?

Beyond the OM's wife, how much other exposing have you done?

Is the affair still alive?

Do they work together?

Plan B requires total darkness. It would be unrealistic to expect her to move out and still pay half of the bills. Plan B for you could require one of you staying at a friends or relatives house for a while, or selling? you house. The darker the Plan B, the more effective it can be.

Others will have better ideas...

I guess the only people left would be one friend locally and then her family.


Yes - they exchenge email and text messages. Am sure they talk during the week while she is at work.


No

Then you know what you must do next. Finish the exposure. Expose the A to her close friend, and expose the affair to her parents and any siblings she's close to. This is a must to put pressure on the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy, and die by the "light of day".

Keep reading, learning and posting, and you 'll get through this. There's lots of help here!

SD

SD is right. And continue to communicate all of their contact to the OMW so she can protect herself from your W and her H. It would help things if she would expose the affair to his parents and close friends.

When did you expose the affair to his wife? Does your wife know yet?

She came clean, thats more then what my W did. However my W had already broken it off a year before i found out.

First off all insist of NC, no text no nothing. Then make sure you get access to all her informaition, email, phone, whatever. Tip: when checking email look at the sent items.

Sounds like you are on the right track with the plan a/b stuff.

For yourself take a good look at your M, and decide if it is worth 2+ years of recovery. With out kids it is easyer to break apart.


That one takes time, and can only happen after she stops contact with the OM, and gets over the withdrawls. The NC may require moveing or changing jobs, it sucks but true.

good luck.

Just got through with our third counseling session.

There’s really not much to say – I get the feeling that it’s ending between us. She’s in love with the other guy, and every sign to me says that she doesn’t really want to save our marriage. I wish this was not true.

I wish I had done a thousand things different.

What now? I am still showing her how good our marriage can be. I am strong – not begging or acting jealous or anything. Home life is actually nice. But – I can only do this for so long before my personality cracks. The question is – how long until I leave.

So – how long do I put up with this before I should walk away?

What have you done to break up the affair? What's going on at the OM's home? Is his W okay with him having an A with your WW? What all does she know? Is she aware that they are still carrying on?

Do you have children? If not, I tend to agree about running away as fast as you can.

sis,

Read my thread. I think my situation is somewhat similar to yours, only early on in the affair my OM moved 1000 mi away. When I stood up for myself and was going to kick her out of the house and cut her off, she finally came to her senses. You might try this approach if you do want to save your marriage. Right now your WW is just cake eating. As long as you have done a good plan A, you should probably start making plans to plan B as well as secure your finances in case of divorce. These situations are not all hopeless. My WW told the OM she was going to move to Boston once she got a divorce and found a job. Needless to say, almost two months later and she's only talked to the OM twice in that time, has spoken to a lawyer only once for 20 minutes over the phone, and hasn't looked for a job in Boston in over two months (and never applied to one). Things can turn around, but something has to upset the apple cart to get them to.