First time poster, short time reader and researcher her on MB. This one is long.

background:

Me(BS) - 33, Her(WW) - 30 (just turned), Married 8 years, 2 kids ages 5 and 3.

6 weeks ago my wife wrote me a letter stating she could no longer stay in our marriage, that she needed to fight for herself and her ED rather than the marriage. Our marriage has been somewhat tumultous with us LB'ing all over the place, in and out of IC and MC for various issues related to our past. We had just started to communicate with each other about where we felt our marriage had come, where it was, and where it could go when she dropped the bomb.

My initial reaction was I did not agree to any kind of separation or divorce and I was not leaving the house, then of course I got all clingy. She moved into the guest room and got all private on me, keeping pocket book close by, cell phone nearby, dropped some cash at VS on underwear, took her "toy" with her, etc so I suspected an A of some sort was in processes.

Without any direction I tried to do what I later learned was Plan A (work on me - I am in IC, love her selflessly) but I still continued to LB rather than meet EN. Once I found this site and started reading SAA and HNHN and researching I did manage to learn (thanks to some posters here on spying - eblaster is great) about some EAs online via chat and e-mail. I felt this was part of the reason why she felt the way she did (the fog) so I exposed what I knew and she admitted it was going on. She agreed to send NC e-mail that I read, then we deleted her extra e-mail accounts and a Friendster account; however it seemed to be to easy and did not sit well in my gut. I continued to spy and after digging around in her room I found out she has a laptop that she will not not let me even look at now so I know there is more going on, then later found a box to a cell phone registered to a dude she had a PA with 3 years ago, the results of which we were still working through and she was attempting to keep NC with. She then asked me to leave the house on 11/20 due to stress and I dumbly agreed.

In the meantime I have read many people's stories on here and of course the veterans recommend to go back home. I called and had and appt with Steve on Tuesday, and we started a plan to see if we could convince her to just look at the MB principles, and if she flat out refused then we would go from there. He did not reommend going back home yet, nor further exposing my further A findings. Well today she flat out refused to look at the MB principles so here we go....

So now i am digging in for the long haul and steeling myself for what else I may find. I talked to a lawyer today to understand my legal options. I will not pursue separation and divorce, I will put that burden on her; however I will protect myself and the kids however I can. She has already stated that she and the kids would go to her brother's in KY if I come back and I don't want her to pull our oldest child out of school and leave the Dr. she is seeing for the ED.

This is a mess, but it is similar to other stories on here. I rejoice with the ones who have made it - it gives me hope. Basically I am clinging to God and his promise from Isaiah 41:10.

I welcome everyone's advice. Post away, help me to not be blind, encourage me, pray for me, guide me, etc. I still love my wife and want to rebirth my marriage.

what is ED?

ED=Eating Disorder, i.e. Bulimia

WOW, your story sounds like mine. Any chance you could get eBlaster or Spector on the laptop? Although this may up the ante and outrage her, you may want to stop her legally from taking the kids out of state. Crossing state lines is a no, no. Is the brother reasonable, does he like you? You may want to inform him of what's going on and if he is family centered, he maybe can refuse her coming there for the sake of your family. I think she's bluffing mostly, passive aggressive and using reverse psychology. Just keepbeing there for her and the kids. Get back in there. Don't leave or give up until you are ready to pull your hair out for days, then you can seperate with no guilt. Boy, the cell phone, thing, brings back memories. I demanded my wife close her account, I dialed for her, I walked out of the room to get other phone to verify, while I was gone, she hung up and continued to act as if she were closing it (even pretending to give the phone company her SSN), get it? I held the phone up and busted her, then we called them right back. It's warfare. The she cried, which just about destroyed me. Hang in there. 2 years later, I'm glad I stayed. Not to mean it's all good, but I did the right thing, not what was fair.

You need to get your lawyer to file a motion to keep her from moving the children out of state ASAP. After that you need to move back in to the house, gather up your evidence, and expose her to anyone that would be in a position to put pressure on her to end her affair including her family, friends, coworkers and boss (if the OM and her work together). This is a huge threat to your marriage and you must be unafraid to step up and confront this challenge. Work on yourself (ie figure out what emotional needs you weren't meeting, plan A, stop LBing, go to the gym, hang out with friends and family for support, go get some ADs, get to church, etc.) and hopefully your wife will notice if her affair starts falling apart. You can do this. Be strong and stand up for your family!

- Jim

Thanks for the advice. I would love to get eblaster on the laptop. Problem is twofold - need to get the laptop in my hands, then need to the password. I did change the password on the wireless so she can't connect that way any more. I also bought a wherifone last night and will use the GPS functions that you (dveloperz) have mentioned.

The brother and I are good friends, but I have to wonder about the whole blood being thicker than water thing.

The lawyer I talked to indicated it would be hard to get a TRO but we might be able to be creative.

My plan is to go back home, expose all the new info I know about, call her brother and mother as well os the OM and explain as nice but as firm as I can that I know what is going on and that I will not stand for it. I also hope to hear back from Steve Harley to get his opinion on this.

The whole "alien abduction" analogy is certainly valid here
I'll keep updating as we go along.

It's good to hear you are taking action to get your marriage back. So many BSs are so afraid to confront their problems head on. The meekly sit by and take no action which just enables the WS to continue and meanwhile does major emotional damage to the BS. Trust me, the actions you are taking WILL have a positive impact on your situation. My WW agreed to NC just 5 days after exposure (which she has since broke once for a 5 minute phone conversation, but we're continuing to work towards reconciliation). However, it will get better before it gets worse. When you expose, you will send your WW in a rage where she will threaten you and say all kinds of nasty things to you, but usually they are just hollow threats to get you to back off their affair. My WW swore that I had ruined any chance or reconciliation the first few days after exposure, but after the 5th day there was NC. Isn't that what you want? Good luck in weathering the storm. It is freezing rain here in STL, and is supposed to drop 4-8" of snow on top tonight.

- Jim

P.S. Where are you at in SC? I used to live in Florence.

I'll admit that I am afraid of the repercussions/reactions of my WW but I have to face my fears head on. Even though she has expressed no desire to work towards reconciliation, I know that this is a product of being engrossed in the A. I can see the impact on her by the direct impact on her health.

My biggest fear, though, is that I will not legally be able to prevent her from taking the kids away if I cannot prove they will be harmed by this (that's what the lawyer said). But then again, maybe going home will call her bluff.

Thanks for the info. Keep it coming. I was hoping others would join in also.

jmwc95 I am following your thread as well. Maybe I can help you as you are helping me.

dveloperz - did you have any problems with coverage using the wherifone?

Where does the OM live? If she is leaving town so that she can continue her affair that would definitely harm the children. If the OM lives in town, I doubt that she would move that far away from him. I think you need to call her bluff.

- Jim

WW's brother is in KY. OM lives about 50 miles from where we live in SC.

I think you are right about moving so far away, and even if she tries I will get my hands on that laptop and other cell phone.

Does your wife work? It would be hard for her to support the children without any financial help. You could argue that she would harm the children by not being able to provide a home for them or provide for them financially. I also doubt that her brother would want to financially support his sister and their children when she has a husband that is more than willing to support all of them. I make almost 2.5 times more than my WW and she likes the comfortable lifestyle that we can afford together. When I threatened to kick her out of the house and financially cut her off, she got a nice dose of reality. Let her know that if she is leaving (and she is still married to you), you will not support her decision. Cut her off financially. WW are used to using intimidating tactics to get what they want. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

- Jim

Excellent points. No, she does not work, she has been a Stay at home mom for 5+ years and she threw out to me once that her family would support her, but I think if they know the real story they may not.

At any rate, cutting her off financially is a good idea. At least I can control that unless she goes and files for separation and possiblt alimony but she may not have a way to pay for that either.

Everyone, I request your prayers for the strength to expose, to expose in love, and to not lose it emotionally when I do.

Pray that this would be the step that starts on on the long road to recovery.

Thanks.

You'll be fine. It feels a lot better when you have more people on your side. Instead of you versus them, it is the whole village versus them. It is empowering to expose the affair. Trust me, you may think you made a mistake at first, but after a few days her anger will subside. I think our situations are a lot like each other. Our WWs were very angry and tried to intimidate us into allowing their affairs to continue. When faced with the very real possibility of being cut off, I'm sure she'll get the same dose of reality my WW got. I'll keep you in my prayers. Let us know how it turns out.

- Jim

Quick update:

Had a short sessions with Steve H today. My plan now is to go back home Sunday (I am out of town this weekend). Worst case I expect WW to blow up over this and leave herself, best case she stays but we will be in separate rooms again. She may even accelerate Legal Separation, but I have my lawyer on standby. If I am guilty of anything I am guilty of wanting to save my marriage. WW told me today she would let me know when she wanted me to pursue her. Yeah, right, like that will happen any time while an A is going on. Exposure is coming....

WW did help me fill out the LB questionnaire together - lots of negatives from her but we did get the top 6 LB nearly identical. Man, I have some work to do but I fully embrace the challenge as my past does not dictate my future.

I wish I could just get her to look at the MB principles, she does not have to commit to anything yet. Still won't consider IC or MC, says she is working on herself, i.e. Ishe is too busy in an A for me right now.

Thanks everyone.

SCBetrayed,

It is good to see you taking the first steps in saving your marriage. From your story, I think the ability to save your marriage is entirely in your hands. If you execute a good plan A (and maybe plan B), I'm confident that you'll be able to save your marriage. You need to be that confident as well. She is tied to you strongly. You are the father of her children and the sole breadwinner in the household, and you have a long history together. Things may move painstakingly slowly, but you will untimately succeed. Remeber to stay calm and firm and follow the MB principles. Don't give in to your WW no matter how much she goes kicking and screaming and threatening you. These are typical WW ploys to get you to back off of their addiction. Ask God for the strength to get you through this, and with God on your side, you will not fail. Good luck, the journey has just begun. Keep us posted.

- Jim

P.S. You sleep in the marital bedroom. If anyone needs to move out, it is the person having the affair. Again, it is all about setting boundaries and gaining respect.

Well here is how tonight went:

I told my wife I was coming home (I have been out two weeks, bad decision I know) because I wanted to stand for our marruage and fulfill the vows I made to her. She flipped out about changing my mind because we have an agreement, which is an unsigned draft of a LSA we started on but I have no intention of completing right now. I then went for the exposure of the A, said to tell me what was going on with OM. She flat denied anything, then I asked about the cell phone she has registered to OM. She said it is so she can talk to people, I said Oh so you can talk to OM without me knowing. She denied that and denies any A is going on. I said let me see the cell phone and the laptop, she would not do it. I said prove to me nothing is going on by sharing thse, she still would not. She is still keeping secrets there, I know it.

She then said "me and the kids are leaving," and I said I would help her pack. She called her mom to come help also. She tried to put all the blame on me, I tried to stay calm and not engage in LB behavior. She did not want me to stay in the house because then the separation time would start over. She will be leaving tomorrow, probably to go either to her mom's (living with BF) in NC about 1 hour away or brother's in KY about 5 hrs away.

I told her I will not talk separation and divorce, this is what the lawyers will do.

Now the doubts are creeping in and I wonder if I did the right thing. So how the heck can I do a plan A if she is gone? Does this put me in plan B by default? Now what do I do? I will talk to my lawyer again tomorrow to see what can be done to stop her from taking kids, but like I mentioned before is not too hopeful.

This pain is so great right now. From her perspective the M is over. Am I naive to think otherwise? Help, please.

Heading over to the house this afternoon to help her pack. Even though she denies the A, should I expose to her mom and brother? They are her only support right now.

To hear her say the words "I'm done" and "Don't even look at me" in the tone she uses just cuts like a knife. Then when I tell her that I want to make every attempt to meet her needs, she says "That is what I used to want. Those are not my needs any more." From what I have read here this sounds like typical WW talk.

Off to call the lawyer to see if I can do anything to postpone this.