You did the right thing.

Your WW is pissed because you called her bluff. Now she feels like she has to go through with it anyway so she doesn't lose credibility. You need to take her cell phone and laptop. Search the entire house for it, and do not let her take it. Do not help her back. You don't want her to leave with your children. Next step you need to do is expose her affair to her family and friends. Let them know why your WW wants to stay with them. It is because my WW is having an affair with OM and does not want me to interfere. I am committed to saving my marriage and keeping my family together. That is all you need to say. Expore to OM's family and significant other (if there is one). If you can't get into your WW cell phone or laptop, get a PI to help you. You need this info. You can still plan A while she is gone.

This is IMPORTANT. If your lawyer isn't going to vigorously defend your rights, you need to find a lawyer that will. None of this, "I don't think we can win" crap. He needs to be filing papers left and right to at least temporarily keep her from leaving the state. It seems like your lawyer isn't going to go through the effort if he feels it won't do any good. You are the client, and he needs to do what you want.

I'll get the pros involved to help you out. Stay strong, you did the right thing. It always gets worse before it gets better. This was to be expected, but it was necessary to save your marriage. My WW's affair was over 5 DAYS after I exposed. Keep the faith, and put your life in God's hands.

Thanks Jim, standing by for the pros.

She will be pissed about trying to get the laptop and phone - I don't care. She says I am treating her like a kid, trying to control her, trying to force my decisions on her. It may seem like that to her, but I am trying to save our marriage.

Oh, and I did leave a message on the OM's phone saying the secret is out in the open.

You are treating her like a kid because she is acting like a kid. My WW accused me of being controlling, and I said, "If it is controlling to keep your wife from fooling around with another guy, well then I guess I'm controlling." I left it at that. There is no arguing with a WW.

Oh yes, you should expose this affair to everyone. Call up her mother and brother NOW and tell them about the affair. NOW!

And don't allow her to take your kids out of their safe home to accomodate her affair. If she wants to leave for an affair, she can leave, but your kids should not be snatched frm their home.

Nor would I let her take any furniture, joint possessions unless she has a court order and a sheriff with a big gun.

Hopefully, your lawyer can prevent her from taking the kids. I suspect her leaving stunt may be a ploy to get you out of the house so she can resume her affair. So, don't fall for it and ensure your atty understands that your goal is COME HOME. Most atty's only want to facilitate an amicable divorce, so let him know this is not your goal.

Be strong! God Bless!

You need to expose before your WW and OM preempt you on exposure with a story of their own. Get a PI involved if you have to, but expose today!

Is the OM married?

Talked to my lawyer - unless the children are in danger there is no way to stop her from leaving right now. My gut tells me they are not in real danger; if anything they are just being pulled along in this. I told him I only want to talk saving our marriage and I need him for when she wants to talk divorce.

Will call her mother and brother now and let them know what I know and suspect. I also did a background search on OM and will call his parents.

no, OM is not married.

Tell her family that you want to stay married and keep your family together, and would appreciate anything they could do to help. Let them know that there IS an OM, but your wife is denying it.

I doubt that your wife will go very far. She will want to stay close to OM. Don't leave your home. Let her make the decisions now. Don't love bust. Stay calm and be matter of fact.

First of all, yes there is. It is called telling your WW, "NO." They are your kids, too. Can you take some time off work? Stannd up to her and tell her that your children are going nowhere. Don't be afraid of your WW. Call another lawyer and get a second opinion. Surely there is some paperwork that can be filed, if for no other reason, to let your WW know you mean business.

Tell your WW she can go, but she's not taking the children. Go ahead. She'll be furious, but she'll respect you. It sounds to me that she thinks she can walk all over you and get whatever she wants. Let her know that times have changed.

Oh, and you need to expose to her family and friends NOW!

Just called another lawyer and will have a consult today to see if she can do anything different.

Called her mom - she did not really believe the A was part of the problem. Says, like WW, that she does not love me the way a wife should for some time. She did already know that WW was talking to the OM.

of course, her mom did the same thing in her marriage so I should have expected the response I got.

Nice MIL. Did you have a chance to call her brother yet? Maybe he has more sense than his mother and sister.

What time are you going home? I am worried that your W will have the locks changed since you forewarned her.

Can't get in touch with her brother yet.

You know, it makes it hard to trust myself in knowing an A is going on when the WW won't admit to it, and the MIL says what she said. MIL even asked me, "what did you expect by going back home if she says she (WW) does not love you?" I said I am standing for our marriage and if she wants to leave then it's her decision. I hate that I decided to leave for even two weeks; but now if she is able to leave with the kids I won't even be able to see them or her. Gosh, did I really make the right decision here?

How do you do a plan A when the WW is gone?

I have a session with SH tomorrow morning.

SC,

I have been where you are. Listen very carefully....

Everything you do will be presented by her attorney to the judge in the worse possible light. You leaving earlier? She will present it as you abandoned the kids and her. You helping her pack? They will present it as you forcing her out. You allowing her to take the kids with her? They will present it as you condoning the kids moving.

Do not stand for it! Yes, your attorney is correct...in a way. She is their Mom and has legal right to take them where she pleases. But not permanently!

But the big thing to take from this is that YOU ALSO HAVE THE SAME RIGHT!

If I am correct, SC is very similar to Virginia. In that you have fault (adultery, for now...which you need to get all of the info you can to prove that!! More on that in a minute). Shortly, if she leaves, you will have abandonment also. This is why you agree to NOTHING concerning separation, divorce or custody. Not verbally, not in writing, not in action.

If she is going to try to move things out this week, then you be home and make sure she doesnt do it. How? Well, it will be hard for her to take the kids out of the house if you are right there not allowing her to do it. If she makes a scene? Call the police. She will be escorted from the premises, if need be.

Tell her that you are defending the family and yoru marriage. She is free to leave and to seek what she can get from the court system. But, you will not allow anything or anyone to leave outside of her.

While you are trying to save your marriage, you first must shore up your legal position. You must make sure she is penned in. She will hate it, she will be angry. So what? Do right!! Always.

On the legal front, you need to document like crazy. Journal EVERYTHING that has to do with you, her and/or the kids. Get info on the adultery. Get a PI, if need be, to prove that they have been together. Have your lawyer issue a subpoena for phone and email records. You must deal with your wife from a position fo strength.

But first and foremost is protect those kids. If need be, have your attorney file for an immediate court hearing for custody purposes. It might take a few weeks to get in (unless there is an emergency such as abuse).

The kid thing works both ways, they can come stay with you and you take care of them... Get your boss informed of what is going on and make arrangements to have your work covered in case you need to take a time off.

Pick up your kids from school and tell your wife they are staying with you and you will have them at school the next day... make sure your lawyer knows and if she has a lawyer tell your lawyer to contact them and let them know, that your exercising your rights as a parent and that your not taking the kids anywhere.... get the documentation started for your custody rights.

Mortarman,

She is already throwing up verbal agreements we made, but I tell her that not all the info was available (i.e. involvement with OM) so I reserve the right to take back my agreement.

I think in order to subpoena, I need to start a case, which means I need to start paperwork, right? I will ask the lawyer this afternoon.

I hear what you are saying, but I don't want to make a big scene. Maybe she is counting on that. Again, hearing her say "I am done" makes me just want to throw in the towel. Will all this effort drive drive her further away from me?

The only evidence I have of an EA are the cell phone registered to OM, the laptop that *might* have info that she won't let me see, and some before/after screenshots of her Yahoo e-mail account before we deleted it.

You can break in to you own home...however, you may need to be careful of giving her any actions she could use to file a restraining order against you. You can't go busting in windows with the children around and expect a judge to think you "calmly" busted in the window.

The taking the kids out of state is problematic. Without any proceedings and orders prohibiting such, either one of you can do whatever you want with YOUR children. You can't physically stop her. You can say "NO"...but that will only get you so far. Perhaps YOU could be the one to take the kids on a little trip...but kidnapping the kids back and forth is not a good play. If she takes them against your desires, document it, send her emails documenting it and try to make her look bad.

If she ever calls the cops...do not be the irrational one in front of the cops...tell you story calmly and if you are directed to leave...leave. Any lack of respect for the cops or the court will be used against you. Hopefully...she'd be the one going nuts. It is very common for WW's to try to file bogus restraining orders to get you out. Be careful.

IF she does leave the state with the kids you may then necessarily file some papers with the court seeking perhaps a temporary custody order and demand for return of the kids to the jurisdiction. Depends on the state. Based upon what you've said earlier I HOPE you are in Virginia (edited to add - Duh! SC)....one of the toughest states on Adultery around. I would recommend filing such ASAP. I had a friend that was living in Michigan with his wife and 2 kids. Wife went home to Illinois over the summer and unbeknownst to him, obtained an Illinois driver's license. Then she filed for divorce in Illinois (interestingly she filed BEFORE the required waiting period but the judge didn't care). My friend then filed in Michigan trying to get them back in the state...the judge ordered it and he went to Illinois to enforce it and the Judge there believed her crap about him being abusive and controlling and ruled against my friend. Now, he could have appealled and likely won...but he didn't have the money or the resources...so they settled out of court VERY favorable to his now XW.

Unusual story...but these things happen. Be prudent. Consult with your attorney. Stay calm.

Mr. Wondering

MW, I am in SC. I did find out that adultery = no alimony.

The financial aspect of this whole thing is overwhelming. We already have enough debt and I really don't want to pick up more by getting lawyers involved, PIs and such. Maybe she is also trying to use this as a ploy to get what she wants?

Why is it that the right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do?