I didn't mean for him to rip it out of her hands, I just want him to find it and have it disappear from where his WW was keeping it. Hopefully, it will have incriminating evidence on it that proves a PA that can be used against her. At least he should get SpectorPro put on it so he can monitor her communications with OM. Again, since he lives in SC, this will help him financially in any divorce. When I found a calling card in my WW's purse, I just ripped it up, and threw it away. My WW knows if she tries anything, I'll find it.

Consider acquiring a voice activated digital recorder and carrying it in your pocket or having it available to put in your pocket if things get heated.

When the lightbulb goes off in her head that she can get you out by calling the cops and acting scared and intimidated there is often a window of opportunity between when she calls the cops after initiating a huge fight and the time the cops arrive. In that time period, with a recorder in hand you will likely be able to document that it's a ploy to get you out of the house by asking the right questions. She will feel empowered and her adreneline/enthusiasm will have her saying all sorts of stuff against her interest. BTW, it's not illegal in any state for you to secretly recorder a face to face conversation YOU are participating in.

You: "I didn't touch you and you are afraid of me...why are you calling the cops"

WW: "To get you out...you piece of crap, you're trying to control me by not allowing me to have an affair"

You: "But I'm not threatening you"

WW: "Well, that's not what I'll be telling the police when they get here"

You: "So you are going to just lie...to make me leave"

WW: "Yes"

Filing a false police report is ILLEGAL. Also, kicking Dad out, especially in front of the children on false charges will not bode well for her in future custody hearings. Take the opportunity if it presents itself with vigor. Be prepared and VERY calm AND do as the cops direct....do not indicate you have the recording until later, allow her to actually file charges and pursue the restraining order before you reveal the recorded conversation.

Mr. Wondering

Forgot to mention

HOPEFULLY, THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN

Only preparing you for a very common wayward spouse play.

Mr. W

I know what you meant Jim...but SC might not have...I was just clarifying...no worries.

One thing about Jim's idea of snagging the laptop...I'm no computer whiz but a good computer hacker can somehow access everything ever done on that computer even if it's previously been deleted. If the computer disappears perhaps someone could do some diagnostics on the harddrive. You may even be able to return it shortly thereafter.

Mr. Wondering

He has hired a PI. I suppose the PI could do that for him.

I know a very nice registry hack for recovering deleted emails if they happen to use Outlook as their email client. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Let me know if you need it. <<nudge>> <<nudge>> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yep, that is the plan for the PI to get anything I need off the laptop. That is of course if I am unable to get her to show me herself.

Good points on just taking things away and the voice recorder. I will especially need that for when I go back home.

She called me again today asking if I setup the appt with the lawyer - I said no and told her there are more things to talk about. I am dragging my feet here.

Promote the family, promote the family.........

WTF - I use outlook on my personal PC that WW also used for some time and ofetn deleted e-mails she sent. How about getting me that registry hack?

Yeah, and I'm sure she wants you to pay for the whole thing. Why in your right mind would you pay money to tear apart your family? She's got another thing coming. SC, can you feel that control coming back, coursing through your veins? You are about to stand up to your wife. You are powerful. Don't let that power corrupt you, but enjoy that feeling that you haven't felt in so long.

Here you go! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Start the Registry Editor (Regedt32.exe)

Navigate to the following key in the registry:
[color:"black"] HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Exchange\Client\Options [/color]

On the Edit menu, click Add Value and add the following registy item:

Name: DumpsterAlwaysOn
Data Type: DWORD
Data Value: 1

exit the registry editor.

You should now have activated a new item in the tool menu. recover deleted items. It should work for all your Outlook folders.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

wtf,

This is a good snooping tip.

Have you already put it in the spying 101 thread with a little explanation? If not, it would be appreciated by many for years to come, I presume, plus it's easier for you to find if you need to refer another poster to it yourself...instead of explaining it again and again.

I always link to "Spying 101" off Longhorn's signature line. I don't necessarily want it in my sig lines as too many WS's that show up or lurk may find it too easily that way. I figure the fog is good for something.

Thanks,
Mr. Wondering

WTF, does that work to recover deleted items *before* turning on the registry setting?

It works as long as the OS has not overwritten the data and / or a "policy" has been set for how long the data is allowed to exist for. This can vary greatly depending on the working environment.

The short answer is: Yes!

OK everyone, after a night of prayer and reading the Bible and others posts here I now have a plan.

-God will not tell me to get a divorce
-In the spirit of Matthew 18:15-17, ask members of our church to meet with WW and I.
-Go home because God gave me headship of the home, because I am the wife's leader, because I am responsible to God for what happens or does not happen in the home
-Set boundaries - affairs are unacceptable, other people cannot meet the top emotional needs of my W (not WW), I am not to blame for her poor choice
-Continue exposure
-Protect the family if WW leaves again (this is tough one)
-Cut off financially if necessary
-Do everything to create a loving environment at home, eliminate LBs (ranked D, DJ, SD, IB, AO, AB by her), meet her top 3 ENs.
-Be the husband God has called me to be (as identified in MMs post on husband/wife roles)
-Be thinking of plan B

Thoughts and comments appreciated.

Good plan, start it today!

I just want you to brace yourself. You are walking into a firestorm. Expect the worst initially (it will probably be worse that you can even imagine), but stay strong and don't let it get you off course. Keep God in your life, and He will help you weather the storm. Expose to ANYONE, that would be in a position to put pressure on the affair (family, friends, churchmembers, OM's family, etc.). Don't be afraid to expose because you are embarrassed. People will have a new found respect for you for standing up to protect your family. Don't be afraid to ask others for help. You will need as much help as you can get. It will let you know who your true friends are. Read up on Plan A every day. You need to meet her EN and avoid LB as much as possible. Execute the best plan A possible. And remember, don't forget to do stuff for YOU. You need to continue to live your life. It is easy to become consumed with your problems, but you need some time to take a break every now and then. Be strong and keep us updated. Feel free to give me a call ANY time.

Hey Mr. Wondering,

From a legal perspective, what could be some implications of the financial cutoff. Could/Would this be viewed in a negative light?

Thanks.

I emailed Mr. W with your question, so hopefully he will get you a quick response to your question. I will tell you what I know. I discussed that option with my lawyer, and he said that it would be looked at slightly unfavorably, but not nearly as bad as taking the kids to another state or infidelity. If you told the judge your reason for cutting her off financially was so that she couldn't take the kids and run, I doubt it would be held against you.

Remember...I'm a tax attorney NOT a divorce attorney.

I agree with Jim's assesment above but I think you should do it carefully. MM actually has more knowledge than I on this subject.

Cancelling all joint cards, giving her notice that you have done it afterwards (only to insure she doesn't have some dramatic story to tell in court about how her cards were all declined while she was trying to buy food for the kids at the grocery store or some other story), offering some fundage like cash on the kitchen table at your home as you want to always be thoughtful of your OBLIGATION to support the kids.

Any cards she has in her own name you can't cancel.

If you have a joint bank account then it is often advised to go in a withdraw much of it. If there are 5 people in your family you withdraw 4/5ths to protect you and kids from her adulterous demeanor. Might not be a bad idea to meet with your lawyer first before doing any of this, because then you will have the added excuse that you did it after discussion and suggestion of an attorney.

Just some thoughts.

Also, in your list above you said "be considering Plan B". I think you are way to earlier in this to be considering it. Plan B is NOT a punishment or done vindictively. Anyway, there is plenty of time to learn about Plan B, just worry about Plan A for now.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. W is correct. On all counts.

SC, while holding back and protecting financial assets can be used against you, it probably wont if you do as Mr. W suggested.

Here is an example of how to do it...

Let's say your paycheck is normally direct deposited into the family account. Well, you go to HR at work and change the deposit to an account you open today, just in your name, at the same bank. Then, as you get deposits, you only transfer into the family account what is needed...as needed. She says "I need to go buy groceries for the house." Then, you get online and transfer $200 so she has the funds to do so. She needs gas??? You hand her a $20 bill...or transfer $20 into the main account.

All of this is predicated on her still being in the house with you. If she has left, then give her nothing!!

My wife's attorney tried to paint me as not supporting the kids when I cut off all money to my wife when she moved out. But, because I had them most of the time, my response in court was "hey, they were with me most of the time...she should have been paying me child support." I also mentioned that it was my wife that had left the family home...that the $$$s were staying with the family and I was supporting the kids. I just wasnt supporting her abandonment of the family, marriage and kids.

That was good enough for the judge!

This is why I told you that you need to have those kids at least half the time right now. The judge in my case, actually had me submit to him the calendar I had been keeping (a part of my journal) that outlined the exact days/hours that I had the kids and my wife had the kids. I had proven with that calnedar that the kdis were with me the most!!

If not, if there is no way to get them most of the time (you really do need to get them with you most of the time, though!!), then you could provide a stipend into the account for her to draw from as child support for when the kids are with her.

What you dont want is her to have unfettered access to the family finances!!

Ugh, I just talked to her and she is willing to talk to Steve Harley if I let her stay in the house (talk about dangling a carrot) and only after signing LSA. I asked her to not make any commitment to working on the marriage, just talk to him and see what he has to say and look at the MB principles.

She also gave me down the road about leaving/staying and it impacting the kids. Says she doesn't fell like her feelings can change, especially after my behavior the last few weeks. We will talk more tonight.

I don't know if I can take it any more. I really think talking to Steve will be helpful for her and get her thinking, but at the expense of me not being at home? Neither of these were part of my plan, but am I willing to adjust the plan? I know what everyone will say, but what do I want to do?