You don't sign anything. You stay in the house. You don't negotiate with terrorists. You want to preserve your marriage, right? Follow your original plan. She wants you to move back out, and she will tell Steve Harley how your marriage can't be saved. Stay the course!

MC won't work if the A is on going.

She'll agree to almost anything in order to get what SHE wants.

I hope you didn't tell her you are thinking about moving back in the house.

I hope she doesn't find this thread.

~ Marsh

I feel like techie in his thread. I hear what everyone says but can it apply to me.

yes, she says she has no interest in the marriage. Do I think SH can help her? Absolutley. Will she take it serious? I have no idea, probably not the way she talks. But SH will tell her the same as he told me, would she be willing to just research the principles, not make a commitment to work on the marriage. Should I take the chance that she will bite into what he says?

Not at the risk of ruining your plan. Your plan which will be carried out over the next several months has a much better chance of working that a 50 minute call to someone she has no intention of listening to and just is using to manipulate you into getting what she wants.

Marsh,

She doesn't know about this site. I did give an indication I want to go back home. Still no hard proof of an A, just clues that of course she denies.

I guess I am looking at a child custody battle now?

You'd be looking at that if you didn't implement this plan, and you have a better chance of winning a child custody battle if you go through with your plan.

NO!

NO!

NO!

NO!

Follow your original plan.

First things first.

Get back in that house.

Collect intel about the A>

Expose the A.

Secure your finances, and your children'r future.

Apply pain and discomfort on your WW continuing her A.

Draw her back to your home.

then ask her to speak to Dr. Harley

PLEASE don't change your plans.

~ Marsh

I talked with him again. He's going to follow the plan. He's not looking forward to the plan, but he knows it has to be done. I don't blame him. No one likes walking into a firestorm. It is emotionally taxing and scary. But divorce and breaking up your family is more taxing and scarier. We are praying for you SC

SC,

Dont leave your house!!!!!!!!!
She is negotiating with you to help end the marriage!
All WSs do this. she will be willing to "listen" to Steve if that means you will agree to sign the LSa and leave. Dont you do it!

Stand by your boundaries. Protect your family and marriage. You are being sucked in again by her.

Her is what will happen with Steve if she talks to him one time. Nothing! She will still move forward, still pursue this mess.

The reason for her to talk to Steve is twofold. First, to determine the situation. And second, for him to plant seeds in her head. it will take time for those seeds to blossom.

But, Steve isnt going to wave a magic wand and your wife be ready to jump back in and stop this move toward separation/divorce.

Ask yourself this question...why did she make this move (agreeing to talk to steve if she can stay and if you sign LSA)??? I know the answer...do you??

She can come home any time she wants, there is nothing stopping her. Signing a LSA will only harm your position, so you don't want to do that. You have no reason to do so and cooperating will only harm you. If she is serious about saving your marriage by counseling with SH, then she will do it without strings. But, she ain't serious. She is just dangling a carrot to con you into giving her what she wants.


That is really cute coming from a fogged out WW who is an affair and has thrown her childrens daddy out of the house. She is not exactly QUALIFIED to discuss what is in the childrens best interest when her every action is designed to facilitate her sleazy affair and destroy your marriage. PLEASE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Do you understand that you are talking to the EXACT equivalent of a falling down drunk? I don't think you get that, SC. She is so fogged out that she is saying insane, nutty things. Nor does she have any idea how she will even feel TOMORROW, much less far into the future. Pay her babblings NO MIND.


What do you want to do? Hopefully you "want" to save your marriage and ignore all this, because you will LOSE if you go along with a scheme devised by a WW who is he11bent on destroying your marriage. There are no adjustments needed in your plan. Don't leave the house and don't sign a LSA. If she wants to work on saving your marriage, she will call up SH herself.

You aren't going to get far if you keep allowing her to throw you off your gameplan. This is just more of the same: SMOKE AND MIRRORS designed to SPOOK you off the battle field so you will stop interfering with her affair. BOO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Also, SC...please understand...you are not unique. Your wife is not unique. There have been hundreds of people on this board in the EXACT same situation as you two. And they all doubted the plan. They all thought their spouse was different, or their situation was different.

They werent. Yours isnt!

This is actually a good thing that she is trying to negotiate! I say that because she is beginning to feel hemmed in. She knows she is going to have to leave if you dont. And find a place. And get money. And expensive lawyer battles...blah, blah, blah.

In order for her to do what she thinks she wants, she has to get you out and to agreeto all of this.

Refuse!

As a matter of fact, SC. You had best get back into that house tonight. I guarantee the next move she makes, after you tell her "no" to the LSA, is that she will petition thru an attorney for child support, etc because you have abandoned the marriage and family.

Count on it! I know that isnt the truth. But the judge doesnt know that!

Get in there tonight. Dont say anything...just go!

Agree with everyone above.

Also...maybe change your screen name to something a little less obvious just in case she takes a peek in here in the future to see if maybe you are posting. "SCbetrayed" may be a pretty obvious name if you are in S. Carolina. You don't have to reregister, just change the name and all your posts will self-adjust to the new name.

May I suggest a name for you?? How about "ROCKY" as in Rocky Balboa.

Mr. Wondering

Good idea MrW.

I find myself with on more question: If an A was not going on and she still wanted to end the marriage would I do these same things? I only see plan A and B mentioned in the context of infidelity.

I feel like a fogged out BS right now.

Praying for strength.....

Didn't like the Rocky idea, eh?...no worries.

To answer your question: it is irrelevant. It doesn't make any difference except there would be no affair to contend with.

However, it's irrelevant to your situation because your wife is admittedly having at the very least an EA with the same guy she had a PA with 3 years ago. IT NEVER ENDED. You never recovered from it and it continues. She has failed to repent and make amends and still stands outside of God's grace. Besides she has no biblical grounds for divorce.

Further, even if she weren't having an affair, moving out would still jeopardize your custody position. YOU will be portrayed as the abandoning one by her attorney.

Consider this...does the nature of her desire for divorce change the fact that you refuse to be relegated to a every other weekend and one week night a week father???

You will make it.

Mr. Wondering

Here is how I envision the conversation:

Me: I am tired of the lies, the my indecision, and my controlling behavior. I want to see if we have what it takes to save our marriage. I am not making a committment to do it, just to see what it would take and if we have what it takes.
I am home. If you need to leave then do so, I will let you. You can go wherever, even to OMs house if you choose. I will still be able to have time with the kids because we both are entitled to that. I want you to be serious about any MC, not becuase I am controlling you to do it.

WW: see ya

Me: I could not live with myself knowing I did not try to stand for our marriage.

Her: I cannot live with you period. You are pathetic.

Me: I hear you say you cannot live with me. That breaks my heart.

Her: Your word means nothing to me. You have gone against it so many times lately.

Me: I am sorry my words mean nothing to you. I am doing what I feel is the right thing to do, what God would have me do. That is all that matters to me. I am trying to establish boundaries for the first time. I will not stand for a continued EA with OM.

Her: There is nothing going on, I already told you. You will think whatever you want to think.

Me: I am sorry you don't want to work on the marriage. I will call you to arrange time with the kids.

OK, should I mention my intent to cut off financial support to the bare necessities? Is there any reason to mention any other points of my plan I outlined above?

Thanks.

I would not mention your intent to cut off financial support. Then there is the risk that she might beat you to the bank or run up the charge cards.

I do think an after the fact notification when you are DONE cutting off financial support would be good. She gets to learn that leaving the marriage means leaving behind marital assets....e.g. consequences.

Here is how I envision the conversation:

Me: I have done alot of thinking and have decided it is a mistake for me to move out. This is my home and I have absolutely no reason to leave so I will be staying. This is our childrens home and they need their father. They should not be dragged from their home to accommodate your affair. I will also seek primary custody of the children if you do not bring them home. This should not be difficult given your affair, your lack of a residence and lack of finances. In this state a mother cannot keep children from their father; the courts frown on that. This is their home and this is where they belong.

I love them and I love you and am not willing to give up on our family, especially for your affair.

So, I will stay here and am prepared to work on our marriage when you are ready. I will not discuss or participate in any seperation schemes. I also will not finance your seperation if you choose to do so. You will have to get a job and finance this yourself.



WW: see ya

Me: silence

Her: I cannot live with you period. You are pathetic.

Me: Yes, I have been pathetic. But I am firm in my resolve now and I am here to take care of my family

Her: Your word means nothing to me. You have gone against it so many times lately.

Me: Understand. But I feel very resolved that I am doing the right thing now.

Her: There is nothing going on, I already told you. You will think whatever you want to think.

Me: That is correct.

She needs to be told that you will be cutting off financial support and will not finance her affair. But as bitbucket said, PROTECT YOUR FINANCES NOW before you say this.

And most importantly, Eph, GET BACK IN THAT HOUSE!! Don't even take another foolish chance like that. We have others here who left the house for a few days and had to get a COURT ORDER to get back in. Others found the locks changed or the OM in their bed. Many courts view this as ABANDONMENT. IT IS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE TO LEAVE!

YOU: Hi Honey, I'm home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(Keep it sweet and simple. She has the choice to leave the home and live else where. You don't need to say you're "letting her leave.")



Good.



YOU: I hear that you believe I'm pathetic and that you can't live w/ me. If I were a cheater, I'd have a hard time living w/ me too.

(Don't tell her what she says breaks your heart. She'd be happy to know she has that much power over you. Better to reverse babble w/ her.)



You: I hear that you choose not believe my words, fair enough...then believe my actions. I'm your husband, and father of our children, I'm here b/c it is the RIGHT thing to do. You are free to keep choosing the WRONG thing by having the A.



You: I'm sorry you still feel the need to lie and cheat. I'll call you to arrange time w/ the kids.