wiffty,

I'm glad you didn't actually send that. I was getting concerned.

I do believe you have your son's best interest at heart and will do what it takes to have him as much as possible in a better environment.

SAG06,

ummm, not quite, she teaches math to high school students, and after 20 years of teaching the same thing, she can do it in her sleep. She is a great teacher of math, but that is a profession, she sucks at teaching within a family, because her FOO lacked all the teaching. . . her FOO and genetics are all part of her doofusness that i believed incorrectdly, I could change - her personality just got worse as she aged to family members, not to outsiders. . .

after 5 years, i am an outsider to her, and she is nice to me, particularly since i just hang up on her, and walk away when she is being an idiot. . . when I demonstrate to her that she has no control over me, then she is nice, because she can't manipulate with threats, anger, the usual crap that a family member thinks they have to put up with. . .

i coached soccer in particular, but can coach other sports, but the concepts are the same. . . until the sublties of the sport.

Also, X's body and mind is slowly wearing down at an early age, she just had toe surgery for toes that were gnarled due to her tying her shoes as tight as possible when she was a kid, because she was insecure with them loose. . . her hearing si going relatively quickly, and she eats crappy food. . . .

its my daughter that i worry more about. . . because X feels that girls are special and should be treated so by mankind. . .(narcissistic speak) and with me around less due to school, and situation, she loses the counter balance of a realistic point of view.

so the future is uncertain, and I am working 12+ hours a day to bust my butt to pay for my kids college and school...

wiftty

I don't understand this, wiftty
5 years after divorce you don't have a place where your son can have sleep over? Yet you bust your butt to pay for their college (in near? future)...
And your 'priority'... hm... skipped years after D and not being as much as possible involved in children's life (and days & nights are the most valuable time, not a few hours to the 'cinema, walk, hot dog'...) cannot be compensated by money for education... I mean, it is nice to work for children's education, but, don't you feel that you skip something (for children) much more important?
I.e. a 'mantra' is not enough...

Belonging2myself

what assumptions are you making that you can't believe what i write? what relationship does 5 years after divorce have to do with getting a job? or not being able to get a job, and lawyers saying that I wasn't trying hard enough? with zero income and $3500 CS and rent to start? what school arrangement are you assuming, which would typically be correct in most cases, but not this one?

you amy not understand, but then you assume that your situation is the same as mine. . .

wiftty

I don't get it Wiftty - we live in the same state, yet when my H was laid off the courts thought it was fine to reduce child support to about $800 a month, for three times as many kids as you have, and the magistrate told me my H, in his early 50's, was too old to find another job. He is also not required to contribute a penny toward college.

Uh-oh... looks like I'm in trouble now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I didn't say I can't believe but it's hard (for me) to understand...
OK, I can understand you didn't have a job for 5 years... but now you have... and you don't spend that money FIRST to get a place where your son can come, but working for his college (you mentioned college, I didn't quote 'school')
Well, different people have different logics...
I'd first provide a solid place to have my son with me, then to save money for his education.
If not enough money for both, I'd get a place so he can be with me, then raise/teach him to study&work at the same time, he can do that too, many young people do that
What you do it seems to me like building a house starting from the roof...


I assume my situation is the same as yours??
I said that somewhere?
Our situations have in common only our x spouses cheating on us
Or I missed something? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

I.e. I don't assume that our situations are the same, but I guess I assume you should have the same logic/priorities as I do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BINGO!

you were speaking from your priorities, which could be as different as CP and NCP.

The kids have a great place to live, and go to a top notch boarding school (as day students) that costs $30K per year, for $3K per year. . so which would be a great choice for their future? making sure they have a great education to start their lives off with? or making sure that they have a place that they can visit me on a few occassions when they are free from school? I live 5 minutes away and work 30 minutes away and can be to the house almost anytime they want or call. X finally lost her belief that I was out to get her. . .

school is 6 days a week, sports is required all students 6 days a week, sundays are a study all day if needed (usually)

learning outcome for wiftty: i value education very highly to insure a great start, too bad X doesn't understant what education other than math really means. I did teach her how to coach soccer very effectively, which she uses more than the nationally educated coach that she coached with, and provides an excellent basis for the school's JV program. .

now if they would only select a decent JV coach. . .


you are starting to get it at now. . .

wiftty

...

If it works for your kids, it sure works for me as well...

WhenIfindthetime: Thanks for your reply.



cont---

I believe the this is called OCD and happens with children. But I will check up on it and get back with you later unless you already know about this personality disorder.



This is something I believe (again, if you don't already know about it) you should read.

Sorry no sure about what you mean about "the 5 years"? Did I miss something, anyway something that I saw when studying about NPD. You might find it interesting:

which, when i put the evidence together, from her FOO traits, etc. i come up with NPD, which is similar and related to Borderline personality disorder. . BPD

I have read about 30 books to get to figure out all the evidence, as well as to know that emailing here is the safest way to let off steam.

X's father's mother is NPD religiously, X's father's mother's sister had early alzeihmers, X's mom is Borderline, has been hospitalized before with it, though no one speaks about it. ..and X is mishmash of the two. . .

the down side is that they all live a long life. . .

wiftty

You have one ****** of a mix on your hand! Sounds like my ex's family. You talk about being raised in a dysfunctional
family my ex was and is! Even my sister (only visited her parent's home once in 17 years that should tell you something) told me how cold and dysfunctional the environment was inside their home!. I agree which is why I never saw or visited her family for years. I hated going over there. there was no contact (love or a show of emotional support) from her parents or sibling So did my children and just stop wanting to go over there one day! You have no ideal how much this pissed her off my ex, but if they didn't want to go, I didn't make them. When I asked why, they would tell me that ex would just ignore them the whole time and she wouldn’t leave when they requested to go home. Telling them “in a while, in a while”. Children also told me that there nothing for them to do there. They would just sit on the coach the whole time! Told ex if kids didn’t want to go they didn’t have too! Did she care about how the children felt, NO. Just care about how it made her look! Anyways there was always (at ex's family togethers) fighting and again that cold environment, (man the stories she would me tell made me concern about them going over there, but of course she assured me nothing would happen to our children!} . God my sister and I hung each other when one of us visits each other and call each other as much as possible! My children too show love for my family and me! One day my son J came up gave me a hug for no reason at all. We are a very close (emotionally) on my side of the family! When My children give their aunt hugs, She get a warm feeling from them. In this I did get luckily. WhenIfindthetime: How is your family life (on your parents side) hope they are supportive and loving!

oh, here is a sudden change of heart. . . email from the narcissist:

A. just had me read his {college} essays and I had three thoughts ...
- they are excellent
- he is grown up
- you spent a great deal of time working with him on these and he is lucky to have you

I was really impressed with the tenor and the content of the essays, whether they were long or short. I was impressed with the way he researched the various schools and wove in professors names ... nice touch! I am laughing in my room as he wanders around the house singing ... he seems pleased (and relieved) to have the right essays in the right places in the applications -- I told him that would be the hard part, and he laughed and said he had done all of that VERY carefully! I am very excited to see where this young man uses his talents as he moves through college and into the world after college. (Maybe he can help you design those jet packs you were always talking about to avoid traffic
jams!!)

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I thought his work was excellent, and that he is lucky to have you working with him on his writing (he tells me that the first drafts were awful!)

-X


oh, and the first post on this thread was her irritation that she didn't get complete waitering and waitressing by the offspring after her toe surgery . . . and there was no sympathy by son when X fell on the stairs for the third time in exactly the same place. . . he helped her up, but was not happy that she was acting stupid. . . (same actions expecting different results)

my he reminds me of her!

wiftty

This is an interesting change. You know, your divorce was either underway or a fait accompli by the time I got here. I missed getting a real look at your ex's behavior. I know what you told me, but seeing...

What a mercurial change! How very odd. I happy about your son, though. That's good. Let us when he gets accepted.

Back to your ex. Does she want something?

she's very, very in the moment, has zero intuition and perception. . . ESFJ and NPD. . .

she had foot surgery over thanskgiving holiday and didn't follow doctor's orders of not walking on it. . . now the toes are infected. . . she didn't follow cleaning directions. . . never once has she ever followed doctor's orders correctly. . . she knows better, even argued with an eye specialist who knew more than her uncle eye doctor. . . and specialist was right, and boy was he taken aback. . .

sent a nasty letter to a doctor to protest the fact that she got diagnosed for something after and later than his diagnosis. . . and the doctor wrote back, don't come back to me ever again. . . and she was shocked. . .!!! duh

has no long term quality relationships. . . of course, she has zero money sense. . . its all for her. . .

i could go on. . .

she was having a bad day before, and didn't know how to fix it at the moment. . . so she called me to unload the problem. . . and I never agree to anything the first time when she calls. . . NEVER. .

wiftty

People need to be more perceptive to the character of the person they're with *before* getting married.

You describe this woman as a very flawed individual. Didn't you see signs of this before you got serious in the relationship <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />