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My story:
Dday 5-8-06 EA for about 1 year
me BH 36, ww 33, ds5, dd2, married 10 years


Been in plan A since mid May. Last contact was 8-4-06. I can't find any contact. My wife tells me "hire someone to follow me if you want, I'm not talking to OM anymore, it was wrong." ww changed jobs to get away from OM

The big problem that I face right now is that my wife has told me that we are done. She has not had love feelings toward me for a long time. We live together, but it feels like room mates to her. It repulses her to think about sex with me. Now the kicker for me: last week she talked about a 3rd child with me and has looked at bigger rings. I thought that both of these were a good sign. Last night when I brought up the 3rd child bit she told me that she had a passing thought about a 3rd one, but doesn't want one now.

She has made it clear that the only reason that we were together this last year was because OM was making her life happy and she could tough it out at home with me.

I have made many changes to me to better me - plan A. She sees them, but there is just nothing there for her to build on. She even asked how do you M2L keep doing what you are doing and get nothing in return from her?

Ii feel like getting a legal S and then moving on with my life. I am getting nothing from her and I deserve much more, I deserve someone who would love me back. I cried myself to sleep - ww didn't hear me. And to top it off, this AM she brings me coffee while I'm getting ready for work.

I think I'm done after Christmas - Plan B or D I don't care either way. Everything I do for us she is pushing back at me and I can't keep pulling the whole load by myself.

M2L - feeling very done today

Last edited by Maybe2late; 12/17/06 09:44 AM.

M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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M2L, if the affair is truly over, then Plan A time is over. Plan A is only meant to be a very temporary stage while the affair is ongoing. Once the affair is ended, it is onto recovery, but it doesn't sound like that is happening here.

Do you know why? Is she still in contact? Did she disrespect you before the affair?

If the affair has truly ended and the lack of recovery efforts continue then, ironically, divorce is probably the one thing that would help your marriage. I wager it is the only thing that would shock her into changing from a freeloader to a buyer. Dr. Harley talks about how Joyce changed him from a freeloader to a buyer by dumping him. She would accept no less. And he respected her for it.

As it is now, she is just along for the free ride and has no intention of doing any work on the relationship. She does this, of course, becuase SHE CAN. She can get away with giving nothing, but getting lots in return. I suspect this would change if you set some clear boundaries and stopped tolerating this treatment.

I think that it erodes her respect for you to know that you have no boundaries. Women do not respect men they can run over and for most of us, our feelings of love are contingent upon respect. I think if you respect yourself enough to set firm boundaries, that she will grow to do the same, which will effect her feelings toward you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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M2L,

I’m sorry that you’re in this and I know exactly how you are feeling. I’m in the same situation with my WW as you and yours but I’m about five months behind you. I think a really dark Plan B is a good option for you right now but I wouldn’t go legal S/DV, let her she that by herself. I’m pulling for you and best of luck.


MikeTC BH-Me(46) WW-41 DD(10)DS(8) 1st Separation 9/13/06 (2wks) D-Day 9/28/06 2nd Separation 12/25/06 to 4/30/07 Plan B- 1/5/07 - 4/30/07 when she wants to come back home (false recovery) Latest contacts w/ OP - 7/13/07, 8/9/07, 8/14/07, 12/20/07, 2/6/08 & 2/7/08 and who knows 1/25/08 to present - Plan A when possible My story
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{{{{{HUGS M2L}}}}}

Feelings are transient. She's still in the heavy heavy fog, right?

How long have you plan A'd? There is a reason it's for a finite time. Maybe it is time for plan B after Christmas. Only you can decide.

It is always worth saving a marriage, as long as it is not at your personal expense.

You need to do everything you can so if it does end, you have no regrets.

Remember, most marriages don't recover from just plan A. That's why there's plan B (I think Pep says that!)

{{{{{Hugs again, cause I"m sure you need them}}}}} And I"m sorry for all you're going through.


Me FWW 36 BH 50 D-day 1 2/18/06 D-day 2 3/28/06 (same EA) NC 3/28/06 and going strong 7 total children Mine/ours live with us DS 15 DD 12 DD 21 months "With all it's shams, lies, and broken dreams, life is still wonderful. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
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Thanks Mel, Mrs R and Mik

I have my boundaries and she knows them. I used Mr W main one that he will not stay in a loveless M. My ww tells me to move on then. She can't give me what I need.

My plan A - one major issue with my wife was my mother. Too close and seemed to have a hand in our M. Well right after dday I talked to my mother about this and then tolf my wife what I did. BIG improvement. Should have done that a long time ago.

This past summer we (me, ww, ds5 and dd2) took 3 moterhome trips to some great family Adventure parks, 3 family trips to water parks, one overnight trip with ww to a resort (nice without the kids) and then last week ww and I went to Chicago shopping for 2 night. SHE LOVED ALL of it, but doesn't love me. She even wants to plan to got to water parks in Jan sometime. HOW do you want that,but don't want to be with me????? HOW??

Me leaving my home: My wife and I had our home build in 2001 and we put in the grass and such - lots of work you know. We plant many many flowers each summer. What I'm saying I that my wife loves our home, yard, kids and even doing all of it with me. This is why I'm so hurt and confused. As many here know it would be hard to leave my kids and my life if I move out. I feel that my wife is the most beautiful women I have even seen and I'm so scared that I will never meet another like her. I didn't know what else I can do. Mel, I didn't know that between Dr H and his wife.
thanks
M2L


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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M2L,

I hear you, my man! I really do. And no one faults you for the feelings you are having, or if you want to throw in the towel. It is tough being the BS, and even tougher when the WS makes no effort (believe me, I know!!!).

But here's the rub? Please make sure that you are doing this because you truly are done. I hear your Taker loud and clear in that last post. And as I said, it is natural to want these things and the pain to end.

But there is something bigger here. Look to God and ask "am I done?" Look at those two kids straight in the eyes, and ask "am I done?" You see, there are more people involved here than just you and your wife.

I know you know this. And if your wife would get this, then your marriage would be recovering. But things are as they are right now.

Is your wife in IC? Are you two in MC? If there is no effort being made by her to improve things, then there is no chance! My wife made no effort...if she had of, we would have made it. I have no doubt of that.

But your wife has to be continually be confronted with this, M2L. She has to understand that she too has a responsibility...not only to herself and to you...but also to God, and to those kids. She has to be made constantly aware that EVERYTHING possible should be tried in order to save those kids' family. She has to make the wffort, even when she isnt feeling it.

She cant sit comfortably by and live like "roommates." She is not your roommate, and you are not hers. Refuse to live that way!!

You see, in the end...by making your marriage operate as a marriage, you will force her to make a decision one way or the other. She will either make the effort (even though she isnt feeling it right now) or she will run.

Either way, you will have your answer...and your future.

If not, if you walk...there will always be that nagging question in the back of your mind...if there was one more thing you two could have done.

So, I guess what I am saying is to make sure your Taker is not controlling your decisions here. Make sure...take your time. There is no rush to end things, is there?

Put the responsibility back on her for her half of the marriage and family. Make her shoulder her burden. Get her to counseling so that she can maybe see what her possibilities are.

You can throw in the towel. Again, I wouldnt blame you. But take your time, pray on it, look those kids in the eyes...


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

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Personally, I would ask your wife if she truly does not love you or is it her anger and disappointment in other things speaking. I would let her know that you are willing to do MC with her. If she says she doesn't love you any longer, I would suggest that you either do a Plan B or Plan D. You owe it to your children to let them grow up in a household where love is expressed and shown. If your W will not allow that to happen in your lives, I would suggest that you devote yourself to your children and eventually allow yourself to find someone that will love and respect you. Do not let weeks and months turn into years. If she is willing to do anything to help the M, then I say do it. If not... and she doesn't love you... move on and be happy. You will not have to look back and wonder the "what if's" as you have given her every opportunity to be your wife. I wish you peace and happiness... and honestly, when you find that, your children will be happy too. I have learned that first hand from my 11 year old.

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MortM,

I have taken alot of time. I have read over 200 hours here and posted many times. I do see my kids and the love of what a family brings to them and us(mom and dad). I rocked my dd2 to sleep lastnight while crying a little and she said in her tiny little voice "it's ok dady - whav u." MAN than KILLS me. My wife is a Bit#@ for putting us through this, but I do love her so much. Pitty party going on here and I need to end the party.

When I get a small crumb from my wife like having a 3rd kid I take it and run with it in my mind only to be crushed later with it. I know - roller coaster!! It is not that I won't hang on - it's just that I think the ride is almost over and when I get off my life along with my kids lives will be wrose.

Mel said that maybe plan D is best and if it doesn't hit my wife in the head then it will have to help me somehow.

I have been in plan A along with my boundaries for 6 months now and I don't see much from my wife. Bob pure told me to keep the taker locked up for a few more months as he did, but I think that his wife was helping some.

thanks
M2L


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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I understand how you feel. I am in the thick of it right now too. I sway continously back and forth in my mind on what I want to do. I am afraid to have hope yet I am afraid to give up.

Two years ago when WS said he couldn't be in the marriage anymore, I forced myself to work on me in IC (and still am). He tried IC but quit. He would occassionally do MC with me. Just lately he has been wanting to do more and actually making the appts. himself for us. But he still says he notices my changes and I'm "everything he could dream of" but it's too late. He says he loves me but can't show it. He still sticks around but says he wants it over. He does loving things for me yet says he doesn't see it working out. He is depressed and barely takes care of himself now. Plain and simple, he (we) are stuck.

I had to make a decision for him and that was refusing to live like this anymore. I refuse to be in a loveless marriage. It doesn't mean I don't love him or that I want it over right now. I just can't do anymore in the M if he is not willing to. The MC says that WH is deeply hurt and needs to confront childhood issues in order to move on. The MC says WH has shut down emotionally and couldn't be in a relationship with anyone even if he tried until he gets help.

Not until I made that decision did it send him into action but I am still skeptical about follow through. He says he is committed to intense IC now but still "does not see this working out". We are separating but no decision has been made as to our M. I am not even sure I could make a decision right now. I have had to "let him go".

I completely understand where you are at right now - when do you give up? I just don't know. But it feels like the more I hang in there, the more hurt I get.

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Personally, I would ask your wife if she truly does not love you or is it her anger and disappointment in other things speaking. I would let her know that you are willing to do MC with her. If she says she doesn't love you any longer, I would suggest that you either do a Plan B or Plan D. You owe it to your children to let them grow up in a household where love is expressed and shown. If your W will not allow that to happen in your lives, I would suggest that you devote yourself to your children and eventually allow yourself to find someone that will love and respect you. Do not let weeks and months turn into years. If she is willing to do anything to help the M, then I say do it. If not... and she doesn't love you... move on and be happy. You will not have to look back and wonder the "what if's" as you have given her every opportunity to be your wife. I wish you peace and happiness... and honestly, when you find that, your children will be happy too. I have learned that first hand from my 11 year old.

Yes my wife has told me that she feels nothing for me. She is not mean when she says this she is just telling me how she feels.

Our kids a happy, they don't see our probelms and we don't argue much and not in front of them when we do. My wife will cook dinner and get the kids food for them and me too. Very nice day to day. Like to shop, go to dinner, watch tv together even suggests the two of us going to dinner alone. She wants to spend time with me, but doesn't want to around. I told her that we could not be friends if we D.

thanks again,
M2L


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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You need to get your wife to MC. Will she speak with Dr. Harley. She doesn't feel anything for you because she doesn't allow herself to feel anything for you. If she made loving gestures towards you, she would feel love for you. Something just has to get the ball rolling.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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You need to get your wife to MC. Will she speak with Dr. Harley. She doesn't feel anything for you because she doesn't allow herself to feel anything for you. If she made loving gestures towards you, she would feel love for you. Something just has to get the ball rolling.

I have talked to Steve H twice and each time he asked me if my wife will talk to him. I have asked and she askes me how talking to someone will change her feelings. I tell her that they won't, just talk to him. She feels like she has tried too long and it is just done.

I'm thinking of looking for an attorney for a LS. I just would love to know which way to go: more plan A and wait (Bob pure said his wife took 8-9 months to start helping with their M) or start a LS and let her start seeing paperwork.

PS - I not being needy, begging or a doormate. I'm being a loving H trying to keep the four of us together and make it better than before the EA.

M2l


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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I'm in similar boat, my wife told me she's no longer love me and doesn't think it's possible to be in love with me again. Her effort in working on our M is that she's staying in the same house and bed with me, that's all she could do right now. She told me that she'll give to the end of March before she moved out and be spearated. Don't know if your wife have talk about her moving out or set a date for S before?


MikeTC BH-Me(46) WW-41 DD(10)DS(8) 1st Separation 9/13/06 (2wks) D-Day 9/28/06 2nd Separation 12/25/06 to 4/30/07 Plan B- 1/5/07 - 4/30/07 when she wants to come back home (false recovery) Latest contacts w/ OP - 7/13/07, 8/9/07, 8/14/07, 12/20/07, 2/6/08 & 2/7/08 and who knows 1/25/08 to present - Plan A when possible My story
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m2l, sorry you're frustrated.

I know that feelng well.

I found the only way to move our recovery on was to not fear to end it.

During a bout of sulks from Squid I asked her " what are you home, Squid ? In what way is what you're doing helping us rebuild our marriage ?"

Answer from Squid " I'm home aren't I?".

"Yes, and I think that sgreat. However I want to build the marrige we deserve with you, not have you home under sufferance. The door to our marriage is unlocked to both of us. I will not tie you here. If you do not want to recommit to our marrige, you are free to leave. Just know that I value myself too highly to remain with you in as seemingly loveless environment as this. I want to work on our marrige and I will wait to see if you do. Bu not for ever baby. Not for ever".

This made Squid reconsider and she started being far more amenable soon afterwards.

But in truth, had she left, I was ready to lose her at that point.

Are you ?




Please know that I will await your decision to


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miketc,

When my wife asked me about moving out lastnight i told her she could mave anytime she wants to. I'll help her move. She doesn't want to move out of the comfy house and such. Not her words, but I know how she feels. I worked too hard making my life what it is today to just move the He!! out. Neither one of us wants to move. We both love the kids and want to stay home with them, but we are not living a normal M life wither. My wife said that she won't live in a loveless M either. OK now what??? I'm thinking maybe Mel is right about a D. M2L no longet at home or around - see what you just gave up Mrs M2L? Maybe just hope on my part.

M2L


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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m2l, sorry you're frustrated.

I know that feelng well.

I found the only way to move our recovery on was to not fear to end it.

During a bout of sulks from Squid I asked her " what are you home, Squid ? In what way is what you're doing helping us rebuild our marriage ?"

Answer from Squid " I'm home aren't I?".

"Yes, and I think that sgreat. However I want to build the marrige we deserve with you, not have you home under sufferance. The door to our marriage is unlocked to both of us. I will not tie you here. If you do not want to recommit to our marrige, you are free to leave. Just know that I value myself too highly to remain with you in as seemingly loveless environment as this. I want to work on our marrige and I will wait to see if you do. Bu not for ever baby. Not for ever".

This made Squid reconsider and she started being far more amenable soon afterwards.

But in truth, had she left, I was ready to lose her at that point.

Are you ?




Please know that I will await your decision to

Hi Bob,
thanks for stopping in.

I don't know if I'm ready to lose her? I ask myself if I've done enough for us. Have I locked up my taker long enough? I say this because we get along great day to day, but not good as a husband and wife meeting EN. I'm sure that this rate I will have an answer by the end of the year.

Oh - my wife just called to say that she would love to go to Vegas in Feb or March. What is with that???? I'm going mad. Maybe I need to feed my taker more Christmas cookies. WW baked all day Sunday!!!

Thanks agian,
M2L

Last edited by Maybe2late; 12/04/06 04:05 PM.

M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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M2L, I am in the same sitch as you. It sucks, and it hurts like heck, and I feel hopeless. My WW is packing to leave with our 2 kids even now.

God, give us hope when we are hopeless, strength when we are weak, and peace in the storm.

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Oh - my wife just called to say that she would love to go to Vegas in Feb or March. What is with that???? I'm going mad.

Nothing that resembles anything close to a recommittment to your marriage. She may sense you are getting frustrated with her and is throwing you a bone or maybe she just wants to go to Las Vegas!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Oh - my wife just called to say that she would love to go to Vegas in Feb or March. What is with that???? I'm going mad.

Nothing that resembles anything close to a recommittment to your marriage. She may sense you are getting frustrated with her and is throwing you a bone or maybe she just wants to go to Las Vegas!

Your right Mel,

My wife enjoys the good times with me, like Vegas would be. She has told me that she would give her right are to be in love with me. She doesn't feel it and I think I will try to keep Plan A unitl maybe Feb sometime. About 9 months. I have read of others that have taken that long. i have my boundaries and she knows them. By that time if nothing has happened by then I'm sure by LB will be empty and I won't care if I lose her. She is a good person over all, a beautiful woman, a loving mother and a great cook. She is the whole ball of wax for me if it works out so I'll keep trying.

M2L


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


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If she would give her right arm to be in love with you, she needs to start trying more. She needs to go to MC, talk with Dr. Harley, read some books on the subject like "Fall in Love, Stay in Love." If she were trying, she needs to try showing you some affection and SF. You can't feel love towards someone if you don't allow yourself to show them affection. The saying goes "Fake it until you make it." The more you do loving things, the more you'll feel in love. You need to do the Vegas thing and really romance it up. Hopefully she will respond.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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