Yes, I found out about the affair on October 6th, but I wasn't very surprised by it. It just confirmed my fears. I knew my marriage was in trouble in May and I knew the OW was a threat to my M since June. I have been making personal changes since June, so I was doing some of Plan A without really knowing it. I didn't know about MB at the time. So, I've been working at this for some time.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Its wonderful and there is life in her eyes! That was big for me. Go slow. Back off the saying the ILY's just keep showing her. Her definition of love is skewed right now, what you are offering is way more profound than a phrase.

She'll get it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You are right about the ILY. I have said it once in the last 3-4 months and I will hold off for now.

Shortly after dday I told her that she and OM lived in a fantasy world. She got pi55ed at me for that. Yesterday she tells me that the EA was a fantasy world. I can't argue with that.

thanks again,
M2L

Thank you NC,

It is not done yet for me. I will keep learning all I can. Yes Gods hands were very deep in the mix. Somethings I can't explain other than Gods grace.

You know I pray for you and your wife. Your wife sounds so close to mine that I feel like you are so close to your goal. NC, my wife changed jobs to get away from OM, but her one friend that knew what happened still taked to OM. The friend would talk about OM some to my wife not knowing that this hurt things. My wife told me that IF this friend had not fill her in about OM from time to time that my wife would probably have called OM to see how he was doing. That makes her sick now to even care about it at the time. Maybe this is why your wife talked to her OM.

It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you it's just hard on everyone - her too.


You are doing great and keep it up. I want to visit like you said.


Always more baking - wife loves it!! Peanut butter balls are the best.
M2L

Some things I learned from my wife now that she gets it:

I was meeting some of my wife's EN when I thought I wasn't

My wife thinks of her EA as a fantasy world and not real

OM is not a great as she thought

My wife feels used by OM

When I improved because of Plan A it was noticed by my wife even when I thought it wasn't.

The WS fog talk that was all too hurtfull, now my wife hates to hear what was said by her

My wife sees a strong man in her H.


I writing this not because I'm so great, but maybe other BS might have heard or felt these things. There is hope as long as you keep trying and get help here on these boards.

I am no where near done with my recovery, but I have a wife who will now work with me on it.

best wishes,
M2L

For any new BS out there, when you read the things the pros (the ones with lots of posts by their name) say please listen. I know some things did not sound right to me or I though were way off base. These people have helped many of us and they are right on most of the time. Some times you just have to have blind trust in their words.

M2L

I have a quesion about the coaching with Steve Harley-if I could get my husband to do it-thats a big if-does it help when they are still so confused and in the fog?? Should I make an appt for just me at 1st and then both of us at a later time? My husband is not living at home right now-my doing I gave him an ultimatum-a mistake I think but I cant redo the past-I will do anything I can to make things better on my part. Do you really like the Harleys?? We went to counselor here and he hated it-he never did admit anything about the other woman during counseling and then refused to go after it was revealed.

I've heard thousands of times around here that Dr. Harley is VERY persuasive to WHs. He's not a miracle worker, but if there is a part of them that is listening, he can get through.

Going to a MC while the WS is still in contact with OP (other person) will not help. The WS will not tell the truth and just cover things up. Then they will say "see I tried and it didn't work."

I have talked to Steve H twice and each time he told me to stay with plan A and to try to get my ww to talk to him. If she said no then don't push it. Spending time with the ws and plan A would do the trick, but it would take a lot longer that way. Yes the Harley's are good at what they do. Perhaps you set up a call for just you to get a game plan from them. This way you won't feel so lost. I know that feeling. You are not alone, many of us here have felt like you do.

My wife and I went to a MC twice and she was NOT good at all, most are not. I went once alone and she (MC) pretty much told me that I would be able to see my kids a lot after a D and all with the way the law is in my state. Thanks a lot lady.

You are no different than others here and please don't give up hope. Now maybe ask this question on your thread, others may have better advise.

M2L

Thanks for the info-you're right I do feel lost. I dont want to give up hope but each day is a struggle.

Hello M2L. I just see you as Young Jedi now. Sprouting all those grey hair.

Keep plugging away with plan A.

Somehow i think Plan A in your case should be like a character growth. (not neccessarily called plan A)

Hail to my brother man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

NC,

It is like my wife is kissing my a55 right now. It is way weird. When she talks to me it is in a very soft voice. She has gone from wanting me out of the house a month ago to not wanting to split up.

The guilt is starting to hit her. Like I told you, she told me that she would understand if I wanted to leave and move on with someone better than her. SOUND LIKE ANYONE ELSE NC???

For the first time since this happened I truly feel like I'm in the driver seat. I'm not just holding on for dear life and doing the best I can. Yes I felt that way, but I also had my boudaries and watched for contact.

Something else is weird. Before this change in my wife it was not always clear what I was being told by the good people here. Now I see everything word for word. That is why I say to newbies here - listen to every word it is true and correct.
sunny and 50 today.
M2L

This is exactly what happened to me. I got quoted that just the other day, along with "The affair and the problems in our marriage are unrelated," another standard line.

I hope the recovery continues for you! Be strong!

SDGuy

I'm getting jealous of you two. NC with his torrid SF, and you getting your [censored] kissed by your wife. When is it going to be my turn (and I sure as ****** don't want it to be after 7 months like you, M2L)? I want a REAL Christmas present from her this year.

thanks SDGuy

Jim - NC got some, I get my a55 pissed - you got a raise!!

Now you want more??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

J95,

Be patient young jedi.......you need to see the bigger picture. Its a lifetime together. You just wait. Based on my own experience......when you plan A, It is NOTICED BY your WW. they really do notice.

You are going to make it.

Jim,

the turning point came about 4 months after complete NC. It takes time and I have to say I don't recall any other BS handling it as well as you are. I have read between 150 and 200 hours here so I've come across a BS or two.

Yep - my wife told me this exact same thing. "M2L I can't believe the changes you have made. I like them."

sorry double post??????

M2L I took up cooking as a way to try to spend more time with my wife too. Funny thing is I really like it now. The other day I ended up standing in line at the post office for 1.5hr and read a cookbook about cheesecakes (the post office is in a store) so I made one for fun. NGW really likes cheesecake and it seemed like a fun challenge but turned out to be pretty easy (just need a special 'springform' pan)

Oh you're right about listening to the advice here. Its AMAZING how accurate the 'oldtimers' are. A couple times I have thought 'if only I listened when so-and-so told me...' Oh well, hindsight and all. Our situation has been improving a lot too since NGW has got onboard with recovery too.