hi all, i miss posting here, but i feel like such a loser.

i found this place almost 3yrs ago and in those 3yrs what have i really accomplished.

ok, so i did mangage to stop all that i was doing back then and confess all to H. and i know that is a good accomplishment.

but my marriage is still messed up.

and i fear i'm still so messed up!!

so here i am today, reaching out for help again.

current status: we get along fine, life just goes on everyday. SF has slowed down to almost a complete halt. and part of me really just does not care. although obvioulsy part of me does(more than i care to admit to), which is why i mention it.

it's so complicated! it's supposed to just be fun and enjoyable.

i tried to talk to DH about it last night and then we talked some more this morning. the talking went just fine. seems we both just lack desire for each other. i guess.

i have desire for him.

but i don't act on it because too often it feels too physical only.

recently i read a thread here that gave advice to learn to enjoy giving. and i really do enjoy giving. but after a while, if you never get the feeling that your spouse enjoys giving to you, it's bound to impact your own desire, isn't it?

are there happily married spouses out there that don't kiss each other much? who just "aren't into kissing"?

i would love to hear from anyone who can tell me they love their spouse, they just don't like kissing in general.

when asked how strong his emotional feelings are toward me he says a 7 or 8. that is what he said this morning.

wouldnt a husband want SF then.

he says it's too complicated and it's just easier not to.

we cuddle ever night before going to bed.

i was actually surprised when he said 7-8 when asked how strong his emotional feelings are toward me.

he says it would be less complicated for him if i initiated. i don't understand why that is.

ok, i have a theory. he cannot muster up enough desire to initiate but if i get the engines going, he can enjoy it.

that does not sound very pretty.

we both acknowledged the need to talk about these "complications". not that we tried to this morning.

i can't even list the complications. to me it's just a dark cloud with the word COMPLICATIONS in it.

i asked DH what his list looks like. he was not able to answer on the spot, he would like to think about it. talk more tonight.

i did have a bad reaction to some medicine that i was given for my face that made me tender. so that is a physical complication. but that seems to be pretty workable.

i'ld have to bet that it's more about my issues with sex. yes i have had issues with sex. ok, so i admit it. isn't it understandable, given my past??

i confided in him and now it has become a roadblock.

ok, this post has no focus. i'm just struggling today.

i have no focus and because of that i am going no where.

i want to make progress.

what's that you say?? why haven't i gotten us into counsoling yet?

good question.

even hear the noise a chiken makes?

that's me.

{{{{FH}}}} No wisdom for you mate. Just a brotherly hug.

eh??

I thought you already were given the best answer for this in your prior thread.

you betrayed him. his image of you two together for sex, is shattered. He needs reassurance that you want HIM, not other people. you initiating, gives reassurance/reinforcement of that.

bob, it's me--> FL not FH.

did you think you were posting to ForeverHers?

not at all ! I used the wrong short version of "FL-T2H"

I know who you are and the brotherly hug stands if you want it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

FH wouldn;t want a brotherly hug off me these days <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{{{{{FL}}}}}}}}}

Just be thankful you are getting some. I haven't got any SF since 8/13/06. Guess what I want for Christmas?

ok Bob, just checking, yes i will accept your brotherly hug.

KiwiJ, thanks for sharing again, because i didn't remember. why does it hurt SOOO MUCH some days?? how do you learn to not take it personally?? do you have tricks you could share with me?

techie wrote:

i'm not sure what prior thread you are referring too.

are you saying that for the rest of our lives i have to always be the initiator?

this issue existed prior to my confessions, prior to the affair activity that occured between 2001-2003.

back then, i told him i missed kissing him, his reaction of "i'm not into kissing" did a lot of damage.

and then it was discussed in MC, and the consoler did not understand his reaction either.

absolutely NO CONCERN of the pain it was causing me.

if i was healthier my response to that pain would not of been to go outside of the marriage, but i was not very healthy at all. and there was a lot of other things going on, like my dad's illness, and the flatery of the people on the internet was too intensly seductive.

it sickens me now, what my reaciton was back then.

it sickens me that i had no ablity to feel ok unless a guy told me i was ok.

i'm not that person anymore.

but that does not mean i don't need to be desired.

i could be wrong but i don't think he questions if my desire to be with him. he says he knows i love him. he says he feels my love (i've asked him).

maybe you are right, i just don't know. and that is probabaly what makes it so hard. i don't know what i am battling against...

is it the damage i caused

or is it just who he is?

jen, why the change in your post?

From what I have read from other peoples' situations, and also from my own feelings as a BS in various capacities in the past:

I think that this is a "love bank" type situation. you have to be reaffirming, AND consistent.


if you are consistent for some period of time, with "yes I love you i find you and only you sexy lets be intimate" type initiation from you twice a week (or whatever his SF frequency needs are), then he will eventually feel more secure about it.

but "more secure" will never be the way he was. you will never ever be able to go back on "autopilot", and assume, "ok, he feels secure. from now on, i can go back to letting him initiate all the time".

you will have to feel confident enough in yourselt to regularly initiate, even after he feels more secure in your relationship... in order to KEEP him feeling more secure about your relationship.

i totally understand that :-)

I guess he's also somewhat in the typical "female" role now. heh. He needs some kind of relationship type "foreplay" to get in the mood, most likely. It's going to be up to you to experiment and figure out what puts him in the mood, I think.

if the thought of doing this long term bothers you... just try considering all the romance-impaired husbands out there, who complain "I always have to initiate sex... my wife never initiates things!"

(heck, even when our relationship was at its BEST.. I think i can count on one hand the number of times my wife even got vaguely close to telling me, "hey lets go have sex now!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It was always just vague "hints" that she "might" be in the mood. You're probably going to have to look harder for that kind of thing from now on.

yes, it's DAMN FRUSTRATING at times!

and yes, you may have to live with it.
But hopefully, if you strengthen your relationship bonds, it will improve to be better than that.

Techie, hows the approach you advocate here working for YOU lately ?

Bob, dont be a jerk.
What FL is asking about, is in a completely different area from the problems I'm dealing with in my current situation.

FL, nothing sinister, I really just wanted YOU to see my post.

FL,

I can't speak for your BH but for me it is the images and what I read he said about me. He told me that he hadn't had any desire for me for a full year before the last PA, which lasted 2 years, ouch. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> So that is 3 years of me trying without a good response from him. This also contributes to my lack of desire, I feel stupid and duped. It is hard to open yourself up to be vulverable with the person who hurt you the most in the world. I am not saying this to make you feel bad, just to explain.

I go through times when I do desire my FMH, right up to and including during SF, and Pff, a something comes to mind and it is gone. With women, we can continue and even hide that it happened. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I think it the desire can diminish if the recovery isn't going well, stress at the job, kids, finances, so much can play into it. It can be all these things combined. I hope your BH will open up and share with you some of the problems.

Give yourself credit for trying to improve this situation and not sweeping it under the rug, which could lead to resentment.

techie,

I know Bob is not a jerk. and, for the time being, i'll assume you are not either...

bob knows my story quite a bit, i know you do not.

d-day for us was oct 2004, it's been over 2 yrs.

it's not like DH turns me down. it's like he has this take it or leave it attitude about sex. i know what puts him in the mood, me initiating... and it was like that long before d-day too. i just don't know how to deal with it sometimes.

right now, i'm back to "whatever"

i mean really, what's the difference anyway. we are married, we don't really fight, kids are happy. it could be worse.

read above... "whatever"

obvioulsy i need a kick...

i mean really, what's the difference anyway. we are married, we don't really fight, kids are happy. it could be worse.

I've been there.

Its a working temporary solution except it corrodes your soul.

Its not a bad place to be from time to time as you consolidate, work new strategies and enjoysmall new progress.

But staying there is heart death for someone like like you FL.IMO.

Rest a while, strengthen then try something else.