Rin,

The comment might be the cause of your unease. I hope you did not let that slide. I am sorry but 100% compatibility is impossible and if it is his way or .... that is a problem.

You have a right to say no and I missed what you are saying no to but it is not a reason to threaten another A.

If those thoughts are on your mind then I can see why going by the store would bother you.

Hang in there and make sure to stand your ground.

It's something in regards to SF...I feel degraded and uncomfortable...granted I do a lot to please him in that area but this one thing...the comment was made right hours before I found out, at his b-day party...while drunk, in front a crowd of our friends. Now, he says that he just gives up on it. He's been great, but that comment lingers in the back of my mind.

Recovery is a process and at the time I didn't know how to not take things personally. So, needless to say, it stung and still stings.

Just a bad day on my part...I called him a few minutes ago...about a light on my car being out...I changed a bulb but it's still not working...hearing his voice comforted me some.

DH is always talking about the future and us doing this and that.

At this point, I don't feel that he would have another A...of course...LOL...I'm still checking...

MOF, DH has taken to hanging with the guys...riding bikes...I'm SO comfortable with that...it's really a matter of trusting the people he's hanging with most so than him right now...

Then, I can check the mileage on the bike...

Anyway, reagrdless, I still feel good about the future...hopeful... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Frog...SL...I know I can count on you guys... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WHAT AN AWESOME GAME LAST NIGHT!

DH, L, and I watched the game last night! At one point, L got out of his chair and started dancing, shouting "LSU,LSU,LSU"!

It was great! DH and I was discussing the plays...he was calling an interception and I shouting "No, it was a downed ball!" I was right but I was wrong on another play!

I enjoyed my time with them last night!

Well, Now that we handled up on Notre Dame all I have left to root for are the SAINTS!

GO SAINTS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Two wins from the SUPERBOWL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Rinder:

I was disappointed they did so poorly in the World Series!


GO SAINTS, A far distance from the AINTS of old...

LG

Ok...I need to get my eyes checked. I swore you put "How about them tRiggers" in your subject line.....

Glad to hear things are still progressing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LMAO...HB...I adore you!

Good Morning! I hope that everyone is well this morning!

Well, Sat., I went to pick up F and we got back about 4/4:30pm. FWH was on call and had to go to work about 10 or 15 minutes after we got home.

I was going to bring the kids to wal-mart to get something that they wanted, but FWH called and said to come to the "store" b/c he had something for me.

I was not happy that he was at the "store" but on the way over there I tried to tell myself to keep an open mind. Well, when we pulled up there was a lady standing on the passenger side of his truck and he was sitting in the driver's seat. He was talking through the window.

I got out of the car and DH introduced me to her. SHe (J) works in the office were DH works. Well, she was holding a puppy. J had found two puppies about an hour before and was at the store to put up signs when she heard an aweful wailing. DH was passing by when he saw J digging in the dumpster. He figured that he would stop and help her b/c she was wearing a white shirt and he had his work clothes on.

Well, by the time he got there, J was coming out of the dumpster with this puppy. So, DH told J he knew who to call and called me and the kids. DH said that just touched his heart. I told J we were fighting with DH to get a dog for awhile!

So, the kids and I went straight to Petco and got everything she needs. SHe's really good, and healthy! So, F said something about naming her Dumpster diver, So I said how about Lady GO-Diva! We agreed and we nicknamed her GOGO!

She's really good and a fast learner! Looks like she's terrier and chihauhau mix. I don't think that she'll get very big at all!

For those of you keeping up with us...we've been talking about getting a dog since Sept./Oct. and DH really didn't want one b/c we travel and he didn't want to have to make arrangements for her!

Well, I think that she was meant to be for us...she's already spoiled and sleeps upside down on us when napping. She's almost stopped biting. LOL...she likes our ears and pants legs. She's so playful!

Probably just happy to have a home! She looked like she was taken care of, gums looked healthy, her breathe smelled of puppy chow, clean coat...it's just ashame someone would do that to her!

Well, thanks for letting me share our news! we are all excited around the house! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think it was last Tues. or Wed. that I passed by "the store" and got an uneasy feeling...I was looking for FWh's truck...actually what triggered it was I was passing through a section that I know OW drives her bus route.

I had even made a point to pass back by "the store" on the way home to double check to see if FWH's truck was there. I was sooooo relieved to find that he was home when I got there.

Well, this morning, I get up and I've got that uneasy feeling...there was a Taco Bell receipt in his truck yesterday from the previous day...well, I asked about it but I didn't remember his answer...

I TMed him earlier to ask if he was going home form lunch and he asked why. Then, I got around to saying that I didn't remember him answering the question about the reciept. DWH said that he ate half of it and throw it away and then ended up going to Rally's.

Well, I was wondering why I'm having these feelings...I plan on saying a lunch that twice in the pass week I have gotten a feeling like something is wrong.

See Sat. I had to go get F and FWh couldn't come with me because he was waiting to be called into work.

I try to keep in mind that "Worrying is like praying for the things that we don't want!" (Thanks, LA!)

IF I ask myself why I'm feeling this way I get b/c you still have trust issues. If I think about it some more, it's b/c I have felt so uncomfortable with trusting him for so long...kind of those old patterns popping up...

I mean it's a feeling, right? So, old brain...still feeling hurt...can we not feel the same feeling even though there is no reason for it? Feel pain from the past?

IMHO, I have to make sure that I'm not setting myself up for trouble. FWH is not doing anything that I disapprove of, but yet I have this feeling. I even thought that getting the puppy at the store was a good thing...could give my something positive to focus on instead of negative.

I guess it's just hard when someone has gone behind your back for so long. I would appreicate any thought or comments to help me deal with these feelings, on where their are coming from...are they in fact triggers...

If I ask myself is this a gut feeling that something's not right...I get no, but then I'm still not sure what it is...

Thank you for letting me get this out...I feel anxious this morning...LOL...and I remembered to take my meds last night...I have been forgetting off and on... oopps!

In recovery ... these old false feelings of danger lurking can be a real PIA

here's a suggestion ...

when you get one of those feelings
warm up to H
pay H compliments
cozy up and give him some sweet loving
tell him what a super guy he is

if he pulls away & acts weird ... snoop some more

if he gets all loving back at you ... relax

Pep

Thanks Pep! I think that a great idea!

*That's* exactly why we like to keep you around! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll definitily know what I need to know from that!

I really appreciate you!

Oh, to share with the rest of you guys...I just looking up Lady Godiva and come to find out Godiva means "gift of God!"

I think that's amazing! I didn't even know when we named her!

Thanks again, Pep...an easy solution to a PIA problem...you're right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My day could have started out bad but I choose to not let it set the tone for the day.

I walked outside to get in my car to bring the kids and then go to work and L says "Mom you have a flat tire!"

Well, I handled that sitch, got the kids off, and went to work! Came home for lunch, walked Godiva, spend some time with DH, and went back to work.

After work, I picked up the kids, dropped F off, came home, cooked supper, picked up F anddropped him off at home ao I could go to my meeting.

I was really excited about the meeting because I was the chairperson...my first time...WOW! Well, the best part is that my sponsor caught me after the meeting and said "Have I told you how proud I am of you?"

I said that I've really been proud of myself here lately and thank you! She said that if I wanted to I could start reading and writing on Step Two! Boy, that made me feel SOOOO Great!

It truely topped the evening...I came home after running some errands and gave DH a big kiss. LMAO...he just looked at me like what? I said I can move on to step two...he just noded...

That's cool, I'm so excited! What a wonderful feeling to know where I've come from to present...hoping that my journey has just begun...

Thanks to all of you...because this is where it all began...with great people...wonderful pros...I don't think I have to name you...you know who you are!

I appreciate you all sticking with me on those rough days...reminding me to breathe and that tomorrow will be better...it's just a matter of choice...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Today will be better is the only change I would make. LOL. Forget about tomorrow.

I am proud of you too. LOL. You are personally doing great.

It is funny how things work our sometimes.

What I admire the most about you is you are always trying to move forward and better yourself.

Your lust for knowledge(the books) al anon. Dealing with your past with the SD or the neighbor so they don't cloud your future.

I think what you may be seeing is your future without the burdens you were carrying. The knowledge of where you have been not to feel sorry for yourself but to know what to avoid in the future.

I hope your H sees how wonderful you are. Keep going forward and you will always be happy.

((((((((Frog)))))))

I've missed you SOOOO much! Thank you for stopping by today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


LMAO...you got me! Sounds good to me! Thank YOU FOR ALL of the wonderful compliments...I greatly appreciate them.

I was thinking how great things are now a days...Smiling and laughing...not being angry all the time...feeling like the world was against me or worse on my shoulders...


I hope so too. I do know that twice when talking about someone he has said that he knows he's assuming but completes what he has to say...

He's aware and that's a good thing...LMAO...he's creeping up behind me...ROTFLMAO... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thing is I can't stand still waiting for him, I've got to keep moving forward for me...if I need a break on the way...then that's for me too. Way I figure it...I would like for him to be there with me but if he choose not too...well, that's him.

On another note, I had a dream that helped put me into not so good of a mood this morning...I was impatience with the kids and caught it...saying to myself "You're having a hard time b/c of the dream...it's not them." Guess I don't have the right tool yet b/c I was having a really difficult time controlling my impatience anyway.

Basically in the dream, DH and I went somewhere with some friends. I was walking with some of them and one turns to me and says "Guess who's here?" It was OW or related to OW...

I went straight to DH and asked him about it...he said that he didn't want to tell me b/c he didn't want to upset me or maybe ruin whatever we were at...I was really upset b/c I felt that he was hiding it from me...and I was so upset and hurt!

Hence, I woke up upset! What is that? A few weeks ago I dreamed that DH and I were D, and he wasn't playing fair along with MIL. It was the two of them ganged up against me.

I told DH about that dream, but not today's. What's up with the dreams?


So, I have a minor dirt hill today...cool...I would appreciate any thoughts on the dreams...I'm sure that it's part of the recovery process and OP have them, but curious as to how to handle them when they come...

Thanks for sharing your time with me this morning! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

no thoughts at all on the dreams. They are just that. Some times they are unresolved issues in the subconscience(sp) that over time will disapate.

I don't have the time I used to but I keep up on a couple of people, you being one of them. SL too.

I started posting to her and boom it went so I have to go back and start over.

I admire the moving forward the most. I don't like being still and waiting. I am going to work my tail off for what I want forget about being still.

If he is creeping up that is better then him waiting for you to come back or worse yet lap him. LOL.

Good job.

Well, I talked to DH at lunch and told him about the dream. I had mentioned it at the beginning of lunch but we were with OP, so when we got into the car, he asked about it.

BTW, we went to lunch and I walk into the restaurant and OW's XBF was there.

I know of him from FWH!

FWH said "So what was this dream about or you don't want to talk about it?"

I said "No, that fine." He said that I have to stop worrying about it. It's no like our town is huge.

I said that it's not like I let it consume my day, that it's just Bu))S. As far as I know that there's been NC and I'm trusting him to let me know if there is. I said it's like passing the store the other day and looking for his truck to be there and was so relieved that he was home when I got there.

He said that he didn't understand the connection with the store, then it's a place he feels comfortable going. He said that he doesn't like going to the one on the corner b/c it's so hard to get out of and that he has to go all the way down to the other store. He also said that it's not like he hates my ONS OM.

I thought about my reply and just said that I appreciated him considering me. He didn't say anything and then, I had to drop him off.

So, is it safe to say that he still doesn't "get it." I was trying hard not to refute what he said but feel that I should have said that I understand that he feels not going to that store is an inconvenence for him followed but what I did say.

Kind of wondering what to think about that conversation...I know that he still doesn't get it...it was his truth...he's still comparing my ONS with his A...

Also kind of wondering where to I go from here...I mean to I leave it at that...which basically means I keep my mouth shut b/c it's not like he's going to see it my way...

I'm sure as heck not going to see the store so innocently like he does. Perhaps with time...I don't know...the way I figure it that's where the A started...he met her there...

He said that she doesn't even go there anymore, but I chose to believe different b/c I can't verify that. OW did tell me that she wouldn't go there if she saw him there but she lied about trying to contact him too. So, my belief remains the same.

LOL...any ideas?

Oh, Frog...thanks...what a great person you are... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi Rin -

I don't have much to say on the dream either. They do happen. You told him that you had a dream. His reaction is his to own. Your part is to share your truth.

I had a dream recently about MP having at least an EA with a co-worker of mine. I shared it with her, and her immediate response was to laugh it off, as my co-worker is not her type. Not the response I was looking for, but such is life. She did admit at the end of the conversation that she could see how that would upset me. I can only choose to accept (or not accept) what she offers.

I do have a question that I'm not sure has been addressed on your threads before. Have you and FWH ever discussed your ONS? I.e., have you (individually or jointly) applied the MB concepts to that as well as his A?

The reason I ask is that he might be harboring some resentment over it (he may not even be consciously aware of it). Your ONS does not justify his A, of course - but the general consensus here is an A is an A.

Not making any accusations, just wondering. Sounds like you're still making progress, so keep it up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have to admit that I'm still very angry with OW and don't know if I could control myself in her presence.

Then, I ask myself "Why be mad at her?" Well, lets see...she slept with my H knowing that he was M...she's a liar...she damaged my family...she COULD BE my kid's GM for pete's sake!

I'm sure I could go on...

It's wierd I go from feeling sorry for the tram* to being angry with her. I think I have the right to be angry with her.

I think I still get mad when I hear FWH say things like he did at lunch. So, yes, I'm reacting...venting...better here than with him...

So, it's a matter of me thinking in my mind that he's protecting her from me...it's like him telling me that I don't have a right to be mad at her...

UGGHH! Just a bump....

Why not tell your H this?

I have been having a few bad dreams and I tell my FWW about them. At first she ignored them as just a dream. I told her that it was kinda too real for me and that instead ignoring them I would like her to maybe pat my hand and tell me that it was just a dream and that it is not real. Just be there for me when I need it.

Next bad dream she did just that and it helped me. She also saw that the pain is still there for my some.

Hi, Rin!

LOVE the puppy's name .... she sounds very cute!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "the store" where you got Godiva?

Let me back up a little and say that I'm totally confused about the whole dream issue and what you are trying to say there. It kind of sounds like he didn't respond the way you wanted him to about the dream, and when he did ask for more detail, you just blew it off with a "no, that's fine.", but then were frustrated when he blew it off, too? I'm sorry, but I got lost on that part.

I'm not sure exactly how you jumped to the store from your dream, but it seems like the store issue is unsettled -- and unsettling -- for you both, and also very vague and unclear. I wonder if that could be part of your and your H's frustration with that issue. It seems like sometimes you're ok with him going to the store (I think I remember that he used to bring you coffee from there in the mornings whenhe was working night shifts -- is that right?), and sometimes it's a trigger for you.

That might make it kinda hard to judge what's ok or not for you H ... ?

From that standpoint, I can see your H's confusion about the store. And I can also see why he'd use his experience to try to relate to yours -- I think he's trying to understand. He doesn't trigger over your OM, or see any significance in places that you and OM may have been, met, whatever, so he doesn't understand your triggers.

And then instead of tyring to tell him, you get exasperated and throw your hands up because "he just doesn't get it!"


I would say no, don't "just keep your mouth shut", but it's also not your job to "make him see it your way." If the store is a boundary, then what are your boundary enforcements, and have you communicated them to him? If it's not a boundary, but is a trigger, then that's when you share your feelings with him -- whether or not he agrees or understands. You don't have to persuade him that the store is a bad place. You just tell him how you feel. (How's that for arm-chair quarterbacking ... it's much easier coaching from my La-Z-Boy than getting it right on my own field! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ).


I don't know, you're so far ahead of me on learning all of this stuff that maybe it's already been said and done and I just missed it. It just seems like your reactions to the store are pretty widely varried and your H is not sure how to react to that, especially when the store is soooo "convenient" for him.


I'm so glad that you are back around. It's been nice reading yourposts, good to hear some success stories!!

-AmI.

Thanks M2L,

I did tell FWH in the resturant that I had a dream and that I just needed him to be understanding and have some compassion.

Perhaps I need to tell him that I feel as if he still protects her and that when he does this I feel like he's saying that I don't have a right to be mad at her.

UGHHHHH! I wanted to say that he makes me feel that way, but FWH doesn't make me do anything...

I'm still SOOO angry...I'm going to have to think about this...get to the root of my anger...