DH and I were about to have our first appt with MB counselor, but just now DH said he very much thinks we can have whatever discussion we need to have on our own. or at least he thinks we should try on our own first. so he and i are going to schedule an appt with each other for sometime next week.

the idea came up that maybe the majority of our problem is due to the fact that i am not able to come to some sort of peace about everthing.

and IC would be more appropriate instead of MC

do MB counselers do IC or just MC?

i would appreciate any experiences of doing IC with MB counselor from anyone here.

He does both. Try to get your WH to attend. SH has such a good way of relating to people. If not, he will help you develop a plan for getting your marriage back on track by yourself. I haven't had counseling with him, but many others have.

my H is not a WH, he is a BH.

I'm a BS.

I did counseling with SH by myself for a while, but I'm not sure I'd call it IC ... It was still MC, specific to the marriage and how to save it.

I think Steve is great and can work wonders ... but if you're looking for delving into your own personal thoughts, problems, beliefs, actions, etc .... which is kind of what I'd consider IC ..... then I think there are better ways to do that than with Steve.

He CAN do a GREAT job of helping you map out a plan for saving your M. Whether or not your H participates.

-AmI.

Howdy, FL. Err, I mean FL*(T2M + FLG + T2H + ... )

“…just now DH said he very much thinks we can have whatever discussion we need to have on our own. Or at least he thinks we should try on our own first. So he and I are going to schedule an appt with each other for sometime next week.”

He is right, you know. You indeed will have to have this, and every, discussion on your own. In the end you and he have to do this on your own, together. MC does not have the discussion for you. The two of you do.

And he is wrong, too. MC is like oil for rusty gears. MC is a facilitator. Maybe a referee even. MC does not do the discussing, you and H do. He just helps make it happen in a good way.

After all, it’s not like it has been happening, is it?

Of course you knew all this. It just sounds to me like H doesn’t quite think of it this way.

With prayers, for you and your MC,


PS: One more thing, FL*(T2M + FLG + T2H + ...). Don’t analyze things so much. Sometimes I think you almost obsess.

that really made me laugh!! thanks!

me over analyze things??? you have got to be kidding. ok, i am kidding. yes i over anyalize and obsess. think i need to wear a rubber band and start snapping myself?

seriously though, all of this is keeping me from being a productive, not to mention happy, person. but i don't know how to stop.

Hi FL! I'll give you my opinion for what's it's worth. My thoughts are similar to what AmIok wrote. During H's withdrawal period I spoke to Steve individually and then H did individually, and we both had coaching together. Steve was great for helping us both understand these As, for helping us both cope with the withdrawal, and for giving us exercises to get us talking and understanding how this A even happened. I have the highest regard for Steve. However, a year later when we began MC with a marriage therapist, that is when real movement forward began. I know without a doubt we would not be together if not for our fantastic MC. Steve is not a licensed therapist.

You need to ask yourself what you both need. If you think getting together and just talking with your H will do the trick, give it a try. If it isn't effective then get yourself a really good MC to help you both move forward.

Hi CV. thanks. i'm not exactly sure what to do right now. but i will keep talking to DH and work with him to figure it out.