I recently found out my H has been in a second affair for 6 mo. His previous one was 5 yrs ago- both were with different coworkers of his. Both were long EA/PA type of affairs. After I found out about the second affair 2 wks ago I hired an attorney right away to prepare papers. During WH's first affair I refused to file as I definitely wanted to reconcile due to my strong personal beliefs about keeping our family together and my Christian beliefs.( H did file on me then but cancelled it the next day.) However- I just don't see how its possible to keep going on in a marriage that is this damaged. It's not the messsage I want to send to my two teen girls and our 9 yr old son- that a spouse should just take more and more from their spouses. I know marriage is not an endurance contest. But I still feel bad about having to be the one to start things down this course.Amazingly my WH has been home every nite but refuses to say ANYTHING about his affair or our marriage. He is a huge conflict avoider and I truly don't think he fully realizes the pain he is causing me and our children. I would appreciate any comments or advice you have. I know this is going to be a long messy road-we are in a 20 yr marriage, need to sell our too expensive house and we also just started a biz together ( H started his second A the same time as the biz- I don't know where he finds the time!)

Some can handle this, some can't. Look at Hillary Clinton, Nicole Kidman and others in the public eye having to go through affairs with the world watching - and they've held marriages together. Personally I don't know how as I tried having discovered my husband's Just a Friend several years ago. My mom's advice, if I stuck it out it would be a marriage of convenience - and it wasn't just that it was a marriage of convenience that became abusive. Once the respect is gone it's hard to rebuild, and trust don't you think? I admire all the folks on this site that make it through affairs - Harley seems to be one of the few shrinks with practical advice. If your husband began this affair while you were starting a business, was there a lot of stress at this periods in your life? I've dealt with hundreds of businesses in advertising, and few couples can actually work together in a business I've found - I don't know what type of business you are talking about but typically startups are hard enough, and most couples can't keep business - business, and home - home. Maybe your husband can't handle stress, that he did this in the past might be indicating a pattern here? Harley says here on this site that most that have affairs don't realize the pain they cause the other person and it seems to be a common theme if you've hung out here at MB long enough. It'd be one thing for someone to admit they are sincerely wrong, apologize and try to repair the marriage, it's another thing for them to avoid conflict and sit on the couch thinking this will go away - denial or lack of empathy? is there a chance you can drag this man into counseling, have you in the past, counselors as you know are supposed to help couples that are at the point of being unable to rationally discuss their problems. It doesn't appear that sweeping affairs under the carpet works if that's his strategy here... What are you doing with the biz? There must be some serious legal issues? Best wishes