I have been married now for a couple of years and want out of the marriage. I knew that I wasn't ready, but went ahead and got married for the wrong reason, the kids. We fought and argued the first couple of months and the first year. I cheated and she cheated. Well this past year I decided that I would stop and really concentrate on my marrige. I stopped all of the cheating and lying and hiding stuff. I basically because the model, supportive husband. Well here we are now, 15 months later I am still unhappy. I realized that I care alot about this person, however I KNOW I don't want to be married. I don't know how to walk away because I care alot about her and realize that she will be hurt. I feel like I am living a lie to her. What do I do

Well, have you read this site? Read the basic concepts, then come back and ask again. Tell what you have actually done to make your marraige better and what needs to change.

If it's a matter of not being able to be monogomous, you should tell us that too. Include your age, your wife's age, the children's ages and their relationship to you. We need all that and more.

We don't do easy here. But, we will do our best.

We got together the wrong way. It was only physical. We then had unprotected sex and the baby was coming. I came from a single family home and didn't want the baby to not know me, so I stayed around. I admit I was not into a relationship. Remember that was not the basis of the relationship that we had. She also had a child that the father had abandoned and left her. Her mom was raising that child. She really wanted a relationship with me, and for really thinking, I believe that it was because she didn't want this child to be in the same predicament as the other one. When the baby was born, I got an apartment for her and the baby, however I was not there physically, but I was doing my best to take care of my responsibility. I loved the baby and would come over all of the time to keep her and play with her. I also took care of her and the baby 100% financially with paying for all the bills in the house and getting any and everything the baby needed. I continued to date other people and it created problems with the relationship with she and I even though she was aware that I didn't want a relationship with her. Well persistant paid off and I decided to give the relationship a try. we then discovered that we had a 2nd little one on the way. We then decided to get married because it was not right to bring little one in the world unwed. They didn't deserve that. I would have to say I know that I care about my wife. I know that I love her, however I am just not happy with her. From the smallest things to the biggest things. In the past I have cheated and lied and she has done the same. More over on me than her. I decided this past year that I would stop all of the non-sense and be a a supportive loving caring husband. This included me being the man of the house, taking care of things, cleaning, supporting her, being a provider, taking care of the kids, cooking, washing clothes, you know being a husband. While she is very happy saying that this has been the best year that she has had, I am worn down. I fear leaving her, because I don't want to hurt her. I know that me leaving would cause her deep depression. That is why I have continued to stay. Plus my daughters are daddy's girls and would definitely give her trouble if I leave. When I leave out of town, they drive her up the wall. The kids fear/respect me a little more. the kids listen to me more. I have never spanked them, but when they are in trouble, I am firm. I dunno, I continue to stay, but it is killing me inside to do so. It is like I am living a lie. I am dealing with depression now because of this. Eventually it will get to the point it will be difficult for me to make them happy when I am sooo unhappy. has anyone every gone through this?

Oh, yes. Many of us have been through that.You've sort of been doing a Plan A where you meet all her needs and don't expect yours to be met.

Have your read the Basic Concepts? Have you looked at the Emotional Needs Questionnaires? Why don't you and your wife give each other a great gift this year and fill in the ENQs and the Recreation Questionnaire and the LBQ. Trade them and see where you are. At least it's a starting point for discussion.

WArning: the questionnaires will probably show you two are far apart. They always do when there are any problems in the marriage. This does not mean you two cannot fall in love with each other, and stay in love with each other.

When you negotiate how to meet each other's needs, and do it, you come closer together. At first it feels awkard and like nothing is happening. But as you keep moving in that direction, you pick up momentum, and poof! one day you realize you're happily married.

When BOTH people move toward meeting each other's needs, this can happen. Hey, look at Starfish. She had MANY miserable years. I remember them. And now she's happily married.

youngnconfused,

How old are you? 30? You sound young and restless to me.




While all that is great,have you done anything to work on the relationship with your wife? Are you now involved with anyone else waiting in the wings?

You certainly can get worn down working so hard at parenting and marriage but that's partly due to you looking at it as a duty rather than what you believe in and as something you really care about.Leaving your wife and being with other women will only have it's own set of problems too.But you have kids to think about here which really ups the ante.It's not just about you and your happiness but it's more about theirs.

This is a marriage building site.We can certainly help you if you want to make your marriage better but no one is going to advocate ways to end it all.

Have you considered marriage counseling?

Edited to add: I have been here for 3+ years now and one thing,among other's, that I have noticed is that when one is unhappy with their life,they tend to blame other's for that: wife/husband,kids,job,whatever.Ultimately,YOU need to find out why things in your life aren't going well since there is no one person that is going to solve that for you but you. Not switching partners,not buying a new home,not buying a new car,not sleeping with dozens of women,etc.Remember,as much as you can blame where you are now on other things,all along YOU made the choices that you did.How can you make your life better now that just may include having a great marriage,wonderful wife,kids and family? Does that sound promising?