Thanks, Resilient.

I just thought of something else that might be going on that I experienced.

It's the CONFUSION that Pep and Neak talked about.

My then WH and I began talking to each other fairly often throughout the day on his cell. Then all of a sudden he stopped and DEMANDED for me to "STOP CALLING HIM"..I thought it was "WEIRD" (nothing new at the time) since he seemed to enjoy our conversations...Come to find out later, he was getting CONFUSED about who he was talking to. He would hang up from me and then talk to her..she would call him while he was talking to me...then I would call him while he was talking to her...OH MY.....She won that particular battle... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

But the thing is, it's going to be hard for YOU and others listening to actually KNOW what is going on with a WS..other than the WS is TEMPORARILY INSANE, ABDUCTED BY AN ALIEN and HIGH ON THE AFFAIRNESS...YUCK!!!

Love how you've created a whole new verb. Let's conjugate:
Past tense: "My WH finally curb kicked the skanky ho."
Present tense: "Check out BW's technique as she curb kicks her WH."
(The other tenses escape me now...)

mimi: I think I'm in a good place with regard to reality. Let's check: OW is nothing but crack. She's a nothing, but she provides him with his fix. It's easier to think of her as a non-human entity; that thing in the passenger seat isn't a breathing woman who (enter all the disgusting stuff I read in those emails 6 months ago today). She's just a drug.

I KNOW that he's with her. I KNOW that he spends time with her. I KNOW he wants her and he THINKS he's in love, can't live without her, she's his soulmate. THAT IS REALITY, so let's not dwell on that. The question is, how do I respond to that reality.

So do I know my foe? Let's check: it's not OW as much as it is WH. WH is keeping me from H. I need to get through WH to get to H...that's the ultimate prize. WH uses OW to keep the wall up, to maintain rationalizations and justifications, to get the fix that allows WH to deny reality. So OW is just a very powerful tool for evil. But for my part, wasting energy thinking about OW just takes my eye off the ball. Not that I can't LEARN from the tactics she uses to entice WH...

I suspect that OW was with her family in Wisconsin over Christmas, and yesterday was her first day back. So of course WH was getting a HUGE high and couldn't possibly think about anything else.

It was just a bit of a kick in the gut last night...but I am amazed how well I handled it, really. Nary a tear was shed! In fact, I laughed with my boys about everyday stuff.

No worries, all. I AM ABSOLUTELY COMMITTED TO THIS PLAN. I am a warrior, remember? tee hee. The image still cracks me up.

So do I check out okay?
LS

MY GOODNESS, SIS!!

We need to give you a Ph.D. in OTHERWIFENESS...or shall I say..WAYWARD HUSBAND MENTALITY..

YOU HAVE SOOOO GOT IT!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Looks like a go for tonight...WH and 2DS, FIL, 2 sets of BIL/SILs and their collective six kids...here at my house for soup, bread, wine, fruit, and dessert.

Preparing a three kinds of soup: $37
Three baguettes: $9
Scoring points with the ILs and making RT hopping mad: Priceless




Just chipping away...maybe it's time for Operation PP (remember that one??)

Yes definitely time for OPERATION PP!!!

What's your "OUTFIT"?

Lots of "ACCIDENTAL" touching...on the thigh works fine...

Keep your chest out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Neakster, you're so cute! lol

Sis,

Wear those panties before you place in target's pocket.

Also, be sure to come here and de-brief us on status post-operation PP. <pun intended>

HoooYA!
Jo

praying for you right now.

Sis:

Just throwing my support behind you all the way. Have been reading your thread and admire your gumption.

After what you experienced yesterday, you have picked yourself up, shaken off the dirt and continue to move slowly and patiently forward. I have you pictured as a mini warrior princess who refuses to let her eye off the "prey".

You have my undying admiration. Good Luck tonight! I know you can do it.

Freya

*tap tap tap*

We're waiting.......no pressure, whenever you're ready........

*tap tap tap tap tap tap*

(What can be taking her so long?)

{{{Jo}}} <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Once again, I spoke too soon.

The food was great, the company was nice, the kids all had a blast and I just tucked in five cousins for an attic sleepover....and it's still ten minutes to midnight.

Unfortunately, WH totally bailed.

He never even came into the house. As soon as I realized he wasn't coming in, I called and left a VM encouraging him to come by...all the family here, etc. Later in the evening I asked FIL if *I* was the reason WH didn't come, and he said no...apparently WH had some pressing "social engagement" that he had already planned. FIL's face showed that he was NOT happy. WH had implied to his dad that it was a card game (could be true; the group has a tournament a couple of times a year).

A couple of hours into it (this thing went from 5:30 to 11:30), I left another VM saying there's still soup, we're all here, enjoying ourselves, please consider coming by and joining us. This message was a little less breezy...more sympathetic? serious? More of a "you are missing out on something significant" tone. And I closed it with ILY.

At about 10:30, WH calls, says thank you for the invite, but he'll pass. I ask if he'd like to come by just for a drink and say hello...everyone's still here and the kids are all having fun. No thanks. Okay, bye.

How bizarre. This is HIS whole family...his brothers, their wives and his dad. All eight grandchildren were here; all between the ages of 6 months and 11 years. The entire family, except for WH and MIL. The whole family gets together only about once a year, so this will likely be it until next Christmas. If I hadn't pulled it together, it might not have happened at all. And I don't mind hosting, or feel put upon...I enjoy their company. Everyone had a very nice time. But if it hadn't been at MY house....who knows. I might not have been invited. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I just can't imagine bailing on the once a year family gathering to go play cards with a bunch of guys that you see all the time. That's assuming there WAS a card tournament tonight...could be that RT pitched a fit or that they had plans.

Anyway, I feel good about spending time with the people I've come to think of as family. I enjoyed hosting them in my home, I enjoyed cooking for them, I enjoyed catching up with my SILs, I enjoyed watching my kids play with their cousins, I was delighted that Uncle K was able to FINALLY download DS's playlists onto their ipods.

So, not a total failure in the "feel good about myself" department, but I didn't make any headway in the marital recovery department. Unless WH has some sense that he missed out on something, but my gut tells me he doesn't. He will rationalize that he doesn't like spending time with his family anyway, or that I was trying to hi-jack his family, or that the "card game" was too important to miss. The only way it could be a positive for me is if RT MADE him bail out even though he really wanted to be here. BUT I don't think he really wanted to be here.

And all of you out there wishing me good luck and cheering me on! What a boost to find those messages, especially after a disappointing turn of events. I feel like I let you all down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

LilSis

(((LilSis))) You didn't let us down. You are doing fine. Keep doing what you are doing. Being the lighthouse.

you can do this

hang in there

I know this is but a CRUMB..but it is actually GOOD that he called and I was secretly SURPRISED that he would come anyways..after a full day with her before, he likely couldn't resist going back for more...Remember, she's a DRUG DEALER and the DRUGS are FREE....But, he got it..He got that he was welcome and he shows that he knows that he was WRONG by not showing up...there's some bit of decency left somewhere inside of him...



NOPE..NORMAL AND EXPECTED FOR A WS.....Sad to say, he doesn't care about anything but being with her at this point...Been there..a number of such situations..until I had to ACCEPT THIS FACT...



NO CARD GAME..That's a lie....



There you go..this is what matters for you about last night..GETTING STRONGER YOURSELF for the continued FIGHT ahead of you..Maybe this even moreso helps you to see what you are up against...



EXACTLY!!!



Not true. He called..didn't have to..knows he was wrong. He will hear it from his father and the others..if not directly then indirectly..he will hear it...he is a FAMILY MAN who stands the chance of losing his family....OW can't compete with this IN THE LONG RUN...right now, he thinks that SHE IS ALL THAT HE NEEDS... because he is AN ALIEN DRUG ADDICT but we shall see...



Yep..he will come up with some kind of nonsensical rationalization...



NO WAY..NO WAY....We are here supporting you because your H let you down...actually, I'm not a bit surprised..this is part of your LEARNING EXPERIENCE <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You know we luv ya, Sis....

Hang in there...

ONWARD..TODAY IS ANOTHER DAY....

Just expect to see only a donkey between now and Plan B, then you won't be surprised, except for those (probably rare) occasions when he is nice.

Last night was a victory. Any time you conduct yourself with grace when he does not, you won. Any time his family lends you their support and he feels like an outsider because of his own choices, you won. Any time he chooses her over you and feels even a twinge, especially enough of a twinge to call, you won. Any time he stands out in the dark and the cold, looking in at his family in your house having a wonderful time, you won.

The other things are nice, too, him smiling at your naughty flirty comments, coming in when the evil masterette doesn't want him to......those are scorched earth victories. But a win is still a win, even if most of the buildings are still standing.

Don't sell yourself short.

((((Neak))))

Well-said!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks MF, mimi, Neak. You always know how to make me feel better.

You reassured me. I had been wondering if there was any way to count this as a notch on my Plan A warrior belt. Maybe a small notch. It's wonderful how the morning *is* a new day. Perspective time. Reality check. It's still a war, and maybe I didn't win this battle, but perhaps it was a draw. Other battles lie ahead, hopefully more wins than loses.

I was also a little "down" yesterday because prior to everyone arriving, SIL#2 (from out of town) came over to help with preparations. Turns out she's in the curb-kicking camp. I was hoping for another soldier in my army.

More info:
After I posted last night, I called MIL to give her the play-by-play. She was greatly disappointed to have heard that WH didn't come (I called her just after I found out he wasn't coming just to share my disappointment and get her encouragment). It turns out that later in the evening, probably shortly after he had called me to say thanks but no thanks, WH called his mom. "Hi Momma," he said in sort of a soft voice (usually she's just Mom). MIL said she was a tiny bit cold to him, and disapproving of his decision not to be with his family. She could tell right away when "the wall" went back up (welcome back WH). He said, "You know how I hate those big family gatherings." (which has sort of been true historically, although I can never figure out why. My opinion is that even if you don't care for certain family members, then you can at least leave those events thanking God that you only have to see them occassionally. IMHO)

So MIL's opinion was that it wasn't *me* that kept him away...he just doesn't like those events. She also said she felt badly after for not being more empathetic initially...not responding to the vulnerability in his voice.

So my question to you Plan A experts...is Plan A all MINE...or should someone like MIL also be Plan Aing in a different way...particularly no LBing? Or is her disappointment the appropriate response? I suppose she will do what she needs to do...but I wondered if you all had opinions on this.

Onward. Need to come up with my next attack strategy.
LS

Hopefully you can profit from my Monday Morning quarterbacking...

For whatever reason, your WH seems to have the same issues that mine did/does...

I used to do big family gatherings...I never wanted to ACCEPT AND ACKNOWLEDGE IT..but deep-down I knew it..MY H HATED THEM..I wanted him to be someone who he wasn't..a sad lesson from his A with a woman who SEEMINGLY ACCEPTED him...turns out she was all BS..but it FELT GOOD to him...now I know and accept that he LOVES his QUIET TIME and "SANCTUARY" he calls it... with me....and likes me doting on him..taking care of him...check out the book: THE PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS..it is right on target with this issue...

I've come to realize that my H felt ABANDONED by me..not getting enough ATTENTION and AFFECTION after our boys were born and I became the SOCIAL BUTTERFLY. I used to focus my ATTENTION on him before that. Any of this ring true for you?

I've come to ACCEPT that this is the man who I married..this is the man who I love..how self-righteous of me to try to make him different...to try to make him into who I wanted him to be..when he LOVED ME as I AM...

So with a WH who seems to have high NEEDS for AFFECTION, ATTENTION and ADMIRATION..you very well might do better trying to get him ALONE with you somehow..giving him the message that HE CAN BE YOUR PRIMARY FOCUS...the reason for the talk about ROMANCE...

That is, if this is true for you...

That is ,if this is the MAN WHO YOU WANT...

I think you are facing..it is what it is..THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND NOW....

I am not saying that he is at all RIGHT about dealing with his issues by having an AFFAIR. What he is doing is absolutely WRONG so I don't want to be misinterpreted in saying that. Nor am I saying that his AFFAIR is your FAULT. However, Marriagebuilders and PLAN A is about addressing the Wayward's ENs that made your relationship vulnerable to RAT TURD....

I think your MIL was ok, personally. She was not hateful to him, and yet expressed her disapproval, even if not overtly. She doesn't have to be cold to get her point across, but she doesn't have to be all warm and fuzzy either, like you do. (For now. Later, you will be warm and fuzzy and completely silent, lol.) If she felt comfortable enough, maybe she could say something like, "The man I raised would not abandon his family like this, and betray his vows. But although I do not approve of the choices you are making, you are my son, and I still love you. I hope that when you realize what you are in the process of losing, that you will come talk to me."

I see his vulnerable call to his mom as him being kind of sad and doubtful after "having" to reject your invitation, and wanting to get some kind of family love fix from someone...anyone...but everyone thinks he's being an idiot and he didn't get the sympathy he hoped for, so he got mad.

That's ok, too, cuz during Plan B he will be so isolated and alone, and he will see that she cannot replace any of you.

I also think it was not his family that kept your WH away, even if he hates family gatherings, it was the OW and his addiction.

This issue is something you can't really address till you get to R, but my feeling is that, when the time comes, a compromise is in order. He gets his quiet time and alone time most of the year, and agrees to get together with his family once. Or something like that.

For one thing, it's not like it's your family; it's his own. And for another, once you are both working equally on this, it needs to even out. He doesn't have to be a social butterfly all the time, but neither should you have to become a hermit all the time. ESPECIALLY when it's his family.

That's my .02, even though I'm getting waaaaaay ahead of everything. You just won't be able to tell what is going to work until you are talking to a sane man, and then just remember that you need to be sensitive to his feelings, the same as he needs to be sensitive to yours.

So as not to digress to far from Mimi's main point.

ABSOLUTELY..I most definitely agree with you on this, Neak. This is where POJA comes in..but unfortunately, as you imply, she is in PLAN A and a ways from this...

Back to PLAN A land....is there a special treat that he likes or likes for you to fix?

How about leaving such a thing for him with a note saying: "I especially missed getting a chance just to SEE YOU last night" ( or something like that)....Do you have a photo of you and him together on a special trip or during a special event?..adding that in a card might be a great idea....