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LilSis, Don't worry so much about the height difference. My H is 6'3" and I'm 5'8", and he seems to be drawn toward very petite women (although the affairs that I know of were with average/tall women) I think he perceives tiny women as being "dainty" or something. Anyway, after you and your H reconcile, maybe you could find a way of shortening the height difference...like maybe taking a flying leap into his arms and wrapping your legs around his waist? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Anyway, even if he manage to weasel out and leaves the boys with FiL to spend the evening with RT...his evening will NOT be so wonderful. Why? Because he will have an image of you...looking hot...going out on the town...without him. He will spend the whole evening wondering just where you are, what you are doing, etc. His attention will not be focused on RT. A plus would be if he gets into the bubbly a little too much and starts talking about YOU all night. In any case, I think that doing what I suggested will put a crimp in his plans for the night. So, DO IT!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Then show up with the boys, looking absolutely fabulous, and go out somewhere. Maybe you could go out with your best friend, but don't tell your WH what you're doing. Let him wonder.
If he manages to get an objection in over having the boys over to FiL's, raise one eyebrow and tell him that it's been a while since you had a chance to get out for some fun; and, since you have the opportunity, you figure that it's your turn. Then, give him a s!ht-eating grin with a toss of your head, say, "You guys have fun! C-loveya-bye!" and sashay your fanny right on out the door!
Do this with an air of great confidence. Leave him in a state of shock (that YOU are going out somewhere to have FUN...and looking hot, to boot!) Love the plan. I'd like to add that at every opportunity while talking with him make eye contact, wink at him, touch him and do whatever you can short of telling him you want him. Be shamelessly FLIRTY with him.
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ditto this BUT toss aside any expectations for WH to cooperate but DO IT anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> H will remember that you did these things once he performs his ano-cranial extraction some months from now Pep
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Just left a VM almost verbatim what Lady C suggested. I then called FIL to give him a head's up.
I'm thinking of writing FIL a letter. He's preparing to leave for AZ on Thursday, and I am still concerned about his apparent inability or unwillingness to set appropriat boundaries for WH. I know I can't control his behavior, but I'd feel better if I shared my concerns with him. Here goes:
Dear FIL:
First of all, let me say that I love you and am so appreciative of the love and support you and Mum have provided to the boys and I during this incredibly painful time in our lives. Please understand that what I am about to say comes from that place of love and great respect.
You probably know from talking to Mum that I have decided to make another attempt to save my marriage to WH. This time, I am working from a place of strength, faith, and love. As you know, I have been through the fire and have experienced deep, deep sadness, anger, pain, bitterness, fear and vengefulness. None of those feelings are healthy for me, and none can heal me OR our marriage, lead to spiritual or personal growth, or enhance my understanding of my place in God's creation. Only love can do these things, and I believe only love can heal WH.
I do love WH, the WH that I KNOW still exists behind the hard, ice cold shell that has been constructed around him. This shell was constructed by WH and OW out of unfounded rationalizations and false justifications and serves only to support his addiction to his adulterous lover. I fully believe, however, that behind that shell lies the promise of man I married, the man with integrity and morals, who is caring and compassionate, and who would never betray himself or his family for something--or someone--so shallow and false. That man is worth fighting for.
So fight for him I will. This is a war, and I will not allow that evil woman to lead a once honorable man down a path of self-destruction. I cannot allow that, either for WH, for me, or for our beautiful boys. For six months, I was spinning out of control, trying to find my footing...to get off the ice flow. I am off the ice flow now. I am on land. I truly believe I have been led on this journey by God; that he wanted me to grow and change in ways that I could not see until I arrived on land. No longer do I feel as if I have to earn the love of others; no longer do I need to fear not "being perfect," or making a mistake; no longer am I blind to the suffering of others or to the compassion of others for me. No longer is God separate from my life. He has led me on this journey...to a land that is more joyful, more lush, more bountiful than I experienced before.
It is a place of love. And since I do love WH, I will show him that love. That is all I can do. He may not see it; he may not want to see it; he may see it and ignore it...but my love is there. My hope is that the WH who who lies behind the shell of ice will see it and believe. My hope is that my love can help to melt the ice around his soul. My hope is that my love provides a path for WH to escape his addiction to OW and extract himself from her vicious claws. My love cannot save him, but it can serve as a light for him to follow when he is ready to save himself. Because I am his wife and the one he betrayed most deeply, I truly believe that I am the one person who can show him the the way out. I will take every opportunity to demonstrate my love to WH in the hope that somehow, something will make it through the ice.
This is where I will ask for your help. I know you also love WH and do not want to "abandon" him. However, as you know, I feel strongly that he needs to fully experience the consequences of the choices that he has made. I am quite fearful that when you leave for Pheonix, WH will be free to indulge in whatever behavior suits him. We are all well aware that what suits him presently is not healthy for him--or our boys--spiritually, emotionally or physically.
I respectfully request that when you leave for Arizona, that you place a very clear and specific boundary for WH. "WH, I am your father and you know that your mom and I love you. We have allowed you to stay in our home since you left your family with the understanding that you would behave from only the highest moral standard. I want to be clear that when I leave, that expectation does not end. OW is ABSOLUTELY NOT WELCOME in this home. She is not permitted to enter my home. For her to do so would be disrespectful to values that your mother and I hold dear, and which we raised you to hold dear as well. I expect that you demonstrate your respect and love for your mom and I by honoring our wishes...to the letter. I will never know if you choose to dishonor us by bringing that adulterer into our home. But you will, and God will. Ultimately, it is your choice. Please choose wisely."
To me, that sort of statement provides a clear boundary for WH while respecting and acknowledging that you cannot control his behavior. It leaves the choice to him...does he honor his father and mother, or does he indulge in adultery in their home? By placing that clear and specific boundary for him, WH will be forced to make a conscious decision, a conscious choice, when he is faced with the reality of opening the door of your home to her. Perhaps he will--finally--make a right choice.
Perhaps this is something you have already done or are intending to do. However, I wanted to make my position clear, and encourage you to be very, very clear with WH also. I know that having established a clear boundary will in a very small way relieve some of the anxiety that I will feel each and every time the boys are "alone" with WH.
The ONLY way that WH can avoid self-destruction is to end his adulterous relationship with OW. It is an addiction, and like any addiction, it can only be overcome by complete and total withdrawal. That will take a herculean effort on WH's part, given the depth of his addiction. If you doubt that it is an addiction, look at his behavior. He has sacrified his wife, children, his family, his friends, his morality, his relationship with God, his standing in the community to keep "getting his fix." He is no different than someone addicted to alcohol, heroin, or nicotine. He will go to any lengths--sacrifice even himself--to get what he needs.
Absolute and complete cessation of contact with that "source" is the only way to end the addiction. There can be no "weaning" off the drug. Unless he QUITS, he will self-destruct.
Although he alone must choose to quit, those around him--who love him--can help by no enabling him in any way. No excusing, no coddling, no soft-pedaling the truth. He MUST know, must FEEL the consequences of his choice. This CAN be done from a place of love. I do not believe that they are mutually exclusive; to the contrary, I believe allowing him to experience consequences is LOVING. The sooner he experiences consequences, the more quickly reality will give him a kick in the pants.
So I plead with you...set a clear boundary. In no uncertain terms, let him know that OW is not to enter your home, under any circumstances. To do so would dishonor you and Mum, and be a mockery of your values and the values you instilled in him.
Thank you, and I love you.
LS
Comments, reactions???
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Good letter LilSis....Well written...
Don't expect much from WH's parents. There are few that can do what you are asking your FIL and MIL to do (my parents are some and would have kicked my tail if I had done to my family what EX WW did). Maybe you will get the reaction you are looking for but no matter you did the right thing and they can never say they didn't know how to help WH and grandchildren by doing the right thing not the easy thing.
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run it past your MIL
use her for this
Pep
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I like the idea of asking your FIL to set standards for what goes on his house.... like not letting that no good, husband stealing ho in is house. But I would lose the part where you basically tell your FIL what to say. Let him know what you would like and only offer up suggestion as to how he should word it if you are asked.
There has been some talk about forgiveness on this thread... do not worry yourself with forgiving the HO at this point. Way too much scripture being quoted here... and in all honesty, we could find scripture to support either position at this time. When she stops interfering in your M and screwing your H... then, and only then...can she even ask for forgiveness. You worry about you and the kids at this point and frankly, lets hope that the HO has a house drop on her friggin head this afternoon! : )
Happy New Year. And please remember to take care of you.
MEDC
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There has been some talk about forgiveness on this thread... The understatement of the day... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for the input. I was thinking the same thing about giving him a "script." That's what *I* would say...I'll just have to think of a different way to word it. I am quite certain ILs are both on board with this stance...it's just that they have IMO never been very forceful and specific about what it means to behave from the "highest moral ground." Cause I'm tellin ya, WH's moral ground is below sea level. Enough with the abstractions, please get specific. The crack-addled brain can't deal with abstractions. The other point I am trying to make is to inform FIL of "where I'm at." MIL knows because we talk frequently. FIL's a little more difficult to engage in heart-felt, emotion-laden conversations...so I thought a letter might work better for both of us. I will run past MIL. LS
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I agree with MEDC where you don't want to tell them (ILs) what to say.
Other than that, very good letter. Def will weather the test of time.
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Don't let their skanky emails leave you feeling too short. He needs you, not that horrid, overgrown excuse for a woman.
He has an inkling of that now, and you are going to make sure he knows it.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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"When she stops interfering in your M and screwing your H... then, and only then...can she even ask for forgiveness. You worry about you and the kids at this point and frankly, lets hope that the HO has a house drop on her friggin head this afternoon! :"
LOL, MEDC, never subtle.........
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Is it possible that my Plan Aing is just making things worse?
WH just called (3 hours after my VM) to check that I will drop the boys off at 7:30, and to tell me that he will have them home by 10 a.m. tomorrow.
WTF?
LS: Can't you spend more time with them tomorrow?
WH: I'll be spending time with them tonight.
LS: Okaaayyy...how's your day going?
WH: Got another call. Bye.
He just seems to be retreating even further since I started Plan Aing...and now from the boys as well. I know I am JUST starting what will be a long war, but is this just all part of the normal reaction?
Help?
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
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Problem is, we live in Michigan, not Kansas....even though RT is the wicked witch of the west.
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LilSis - Quit watching the garden!!!!!!!!
I am COMPLETELY FLOORED that he is willing to watch the boys. New Year's Eve is a "special" day for infidels.
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He just seems to be retreating even further since I started Plan Aing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and do you want to know ~why~ ? because ... YOU are making him UNcomfortable a crazy, mean ,love-busting wife gives him proof and evidence of what a great decision he's making ... taking up with ratturd a sexy, loving, frisky wife who offers forgiveness and hope ... makes HIM look like an [censored] for behaving like a man-ho <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> only if you go back to being nutz would he feel comfortable with his new cloak of adultery you shine he's shinola Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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And if he IS really going to do this, the other call was probably OW. This puts some strain on the affairees. Instead of bringing in the New Year with her, he will be watching your sons. You know all that whoever are with on NYE, you will be with in the New Year stuff.
Keep smiling.
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Oh, yeah...and betcha that RT is gonna be LBing like crazy... There goes her plans for a romantic NYE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'm also surprised that your WH didn't put up a protest over having the boys over tonight, but it's good that he didn't. Could be that he realizes that YOU'VE been the one at home and taking care of his children while he's been gallivanting around with RT, so maybe he feels a little guilty. And, if he REALLY wanted to be with RT tonight, he would be. He's probably bringing the boys home early tomorrow so he can go smooth over her ruffled feathers...with any luck, she'll still be so PO'd that she'll LB her butt off. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Ummm...just a thought....but any chance of you oversleeping tomorrow so that you don't hear the phone or doorbell? Oh...and can you refresh your makeup in your sleep...maybe have your eye makeup smudged just a teensy bit, your hair sexily atumble...and a sexy nightie on? When you hear them come in, you could then awaken, grab your usual robe to slip on and then go "sleepily" greet your family. Of course, keep your robe together when the boys can see...but maybe just let it hang open while you put the coffee on? Just a peek should do...but act all modest about covering yourself back up. Oh....and no panties. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Okay, thank you all. Momentary (or maybe just a little longer) lapse of confidence. This is so uncharted territory and I feel like I'm flailing around with uncertainty. I feel like I'm on this journey and I can't see the whole map...I only have a little bitty piece of the map...I rely on you all to tell me what the big picture is.
I read over the letter with MIL. She said it would be so welcome by FIL...that they absolutely do NOT want RT in their home, but also to share with FIL what I am feeling and where I am.
I've got a couple of options to go over and watch movies with friends. but I think I'm going to go see a chick flick at the theater...ALONE! Being with people might actually make me feel more alone...and going to a movie by myself will be sort of an adventure (how pathetic is that...).
Gotta go make myself PURTY for my big date (with myself)!
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