HI,
I am new to your story....been trying to catch up on this thread today..it's a long one! LOL

there is 1 thing i find myself trying to figure out in your plan....do you want him to know you want him back or are you trying to get him to figure that out on his own?

why not be more upfront w/ your intentions?

[Athanasius bows, blushing, his EN for Admiration fulfilled.]
Aw Shucks. Thanks, General Mimi.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LMAO-PIMP

I had such a "writing assignment" given to me by my therapist

I mentioned in therapy that I did such and such without complaint "because I am a trooper" <~~~ said like I was a good girl waiting for my pat on my head ...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> instead ... I was told to list how being a "trooper" has hurt me

dayum

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

LilSis,

I hate to interrupt your nice little thread that you got going here, but I'd like to ask you if you can coach jrobin a little bit with plan A. She is her own worst enemy, constantly bringing up R/M with her WH when she interacts with him (he has already moved out) and allowing herself to be completely gripped by fear of losing him. She's done the stick of plan A, but has not done a good job of dangling a carrot in front of WH to entice him back. I figured since you are the pro at this, you might be able to help her out. I have found from my personal experience that counseling others often helped me to deal with my own problems. When things came up that I wasn't familiar with, it had already been discussed on another person's thread, so I was ready for it. Bless you and thanks in advance.

I just want to say that I think a letter to your WH right now is a bad idea. Aside from the fact that it almost sounds as though you are taking blame for his affair... it will give him the opportunity to come out and say "no." Your job right now is to lead him to the marriage through your efforts... not to have him make a choice.... a letter seems like it will need a response... which could seem like a choice. JMHO.

Somehow Sis' husband needs the INFO. that my H was able to get from his session with Steve Harley right after D-day. That information stuck with my H from PLAN A to RECOVERY. That was the info. that I was suggesting that she relay in the letter.

Sis, the letter you wrote does seems too wordy.

It should be as brief as possible, stating facts, asking him for nothing in return.

You think about how effective you think this will be with him.

To me, he seems to be SEARCHING for some clarification and you haven't been able to sit him down to talk to him.

My H, though is a sentimental kind of guy, who likes cards and letters.,.keeps cards that I have sent him AND he was able to quote back STATEMENTS from my PLAN B LETTER..which he must have read over and over again...

I was thinking of your letter as sort of a preliminary to your PLAN B LETTER.

I am very wordy. My H got several long, hopeful, loving letters, before I found the editors here on MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> It was (is) hard to be brief.

Hmmmmm. "Perfectionist" didn't resonate with me, but "trooper" did. Perhaps the pot needs to look in the kettle's mirror.

"When you came by on Tuesday to pick up the boys, you asked me what I was doing. This is your answer. *I'm showing you how much I* need you to be my lover, my best friend, my confidante...my husband in every sense of the word. It is not too late for us to make a new start; to make a better marriage than we ever had before. I want more than anything to have the opportunity to make that happen."

Love always, me

How about this?

Okay, all. I don't even know where to begin with this one, and probably can't remember it all anyway, but I'll try to give you a general idea.

Arrived home from my meeting to find WH washing DS8's hair in the bathtub. "Well this is a nice little scene!" I said with a smile. WH practically jumps up and puts on his coat. Actually, he does a little good-bye stuff with each of the boys and heads downstairs. (one of the things he did while he was here was connect the xbox to the attic tv...)

I follow him down to the back door, and tell him that it would be great if he could install the water heater. "If you can do it, then I trust you. I'm sure you'll do a great job."

Before he can leave I ask him to wait so I can give him a hug. While I'm hugging him (which is returned one-armed again), I say, "You asked before what I was doing, and I want to tell you."

I'll try to recount the conversation as best I can.

LS: The whole experienced has changed me....forever. I'm not afraid anymore. I've been through the wringer and I'm not afraid of what life will throw at me. The only thing that frightens me now is something bad happening to someone I love. But I'm not afraid to tell you I love you. I'm not afraid to go to a Christmas concert with no panties because it might turn my husband on. (smile) I need you......I need you to be my lover, my best friend, the father to our boys.
WH: And what if that doesn't happen?
LS: Then I will survive. I have been betrayed and humiliated, what more can happen to me? But it's not what I want. So I'm not afraid to tell you that even if I means I get kicked in the face.
WH: I'm not going to kick you in the face.
LS: If I tell you something, do you promise you won't laugh?
WH: I'm not going to laugh.
LS: God will get me through. He has gotten me through all of the bad stuff and look, here I am. (I was tearing up by now) I believe he brought me on this path and allowed these things to happen to me so that I wouldn't be afraid anymore, so that I could stand on my own.

Then we somehow got off on some weird tangent about the charges...I didn't really want to go there, but once we were on the subject, I let it be known that I thought OW (without saying her name...I think I used the "other people" phrase that pep used) was somehow involved in the charges not getting reduced. WH of course claimed that was not true (of course, she's a saint, that one.) I said I didn't want to even talk about it, and he said, "yeah, enough ugliness." I said, "yeah, tell me about it. I'm the one who is going to have to live with it the rest of my life." We locked eyes for a bit here. I wasn't going to let that one go. It was not acrimonious by any means, but I am not going to stand there and let him claim that OW is squeaky clean in all this. SHE made the call to the cops that night, and I am CERTAIN that she influenced the prosecutors to rescind the deal they had indicated would be offered. I had to stand my ground on that one...if he has ANY inkling that OW and I will somehow be friendly or that I will get over that...HA! Let it be know NOW that will be a freezing cold day in he11.

Anyway, we got off of that subject and stood around for a few minutes, talking about the pets and about the visit from the cousins..shared a couple of laughs about previous experiences with those kids. He told me that I should put the car in the garage, and told me he would show me how to plug it in.

Before we headed out, I gave him a nice hug, which he returned. I kissed him on the neck, and--with a smile--said "can we do lips?" He said no, with a chuckle. While we were hugging, I said, "You know, this is for real, do you know that?" and looked him right in the eye. He said, "yeah, I know." It was a nice, mutual hug.

We went outside and he showed me the plug, reset the GFI for me, as he left, I did the C-LY-B. When he was backing up, I did an air kiss, and he flashed his brights.

So I was authentic me. I hope I didn't blow anything, but I don't sense I did. I will keep showing him affection, admiration, and reminding him about our past, etc. But I do feel like I got out something out there...

What do you think??
LS

I really admire your courage and your ability to think on your feet. I think that probably comes from so many people praying for you.

All the advice in the world is just advice - you are the one living and breathing the situation. I think you have to trust your gut sometimes like you did tonight.

Because you are spending so much time in prayer and reading your Bible and trusting the Lord, I sincerely believe He is guiding your steps and your words. Trust Him to do that and don't second guess your self when you feel led to say something. No, it may not be exactly what someone else would say, but no one else is living your life.

I'm really proud of how you are hanging in here and doing the hard work and blooming into an even more strong, beautiful woman in the process.

You're such an A student..such the "P" word... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

No need for the LETTER...

You had the CONVERSATION that needed to be done...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

GREAT JOB

this man has a spark for you, you know that?

You did great. You were warm, loving, genuinely reaching him. I felt it, I'm sure he did too.

Jo

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I see the seed you planted beginning to grow ...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

he cannot go and share this with RATTURD

which means

he's gonna be keeping secrets from her

good good good

all good

Pep

After reading the latest, I'm convinced this man's biggest need is to be NEEDED. (and of course admired & appreciated for what he does)

He was washing his childrens hair when you arrived for cripes sakes. He keeps remembering things that need to get done around the house. He's starting to realize how very much you NEED him Sis, and its all genuine, not contrived.

Very positive signs. Wonderful.

Jo

Sis,

Your post brought tears to my eyes, reading how open and vulnerable you were w/ your WH.

Beautiful!

Perfect!

Awesome job!

I loved everything you said.

Especially about the part that you aren't afraid anymore.



He's considering the possibility that it COULD happen.

He could have said, "It's NOT going to happen."

He's sitting on the fence now!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

Thank you, thank you, so much everyone!

You know, I felt a difference tonight in MYSELF. I think it was the post earlier...not being afraid. And I acted on it, didn't I?? (pat self on back) I wasn't afraid of being wrong, of doing the wrong thing. I don't know if "confident" is the right word...it was just what I had to do...coming from a place of love and respect for H (not WH) AND myself.

I just wanted him to see me, hear me, serious, heart-felt me...the fun flirty one is there, but I have DEPTH, too (RT is as shallow as they come). Now I know a foggy, crack addled brain can't really process it, but I did put it out there...it WAS my version of the letter.

You are all so wonderful. You really are. I feel so blessed to have you all here, supporting me, teaching me...letting me fly and encouraging me to go higher, higher. You give me all this free advice and support me when I internalize it and carry it out (or not!) in my own way. What beautiful and unselfish gifts you give...day in and day out.

I hope I do you all proud. Now I'm crying again....

((((MBers!))))
LilSis

You rock, LilSis. You are dealing great blows to the A. The greatest thing that you can do in return for all the help these strangers have given you is to pass it forward.

small detail:

the tainted boy jacket

if it is still at your house

get rid of it

without comment

take it to the Goodwill donation site (or just drop it in the market parking lot as you drive away)

and say nothing to anyone

if it is ever mentioned

you say

"It was like a knife in my gut. I donated it."

a small detail

Pep

and ... something is telling me your in-laws have had some "talk" with their son....
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep