You've been on this roller coaster long enough to know that there will still be good and bad days ahead. Just keep goin, you will get to the end of the ride in time.

It will be worth the effort you have invested.

You are a HERO to me in every sense of the word.

Keep doing battle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"Go ahead...you all can tell me that I am seeing something...or that I just can't see what's happening to the seeds beneath the soil. Patience."

Good girl!!! You can answer your own questions now.

I suggest you do something useful, like cleaning the toilets, watch "What Not to Wear" or "Clean Sweep".

LilSis:

Glad to hear that you had a good day!


Yanked back to an ugly reality?

The reality is pretty ugly already. And your knowledge of the letter is clouding what you were really trying to accomplish.

Think about this week this way.

You knew the sentencing was Thursday. It had been scheduled for a long time, I am sure. And you were ready for the sentencing, right? You were prepared for a longer term, possibly even prison time, and you were ready for that.

And then the cold cool calculated writings of the OW intruded into this already ugly reality. In the great big scheme of things, the letter was nothing compared to the sentencing.... You had accepted a conviction! and the letter is upsetting? No, this focus is a little off.

LilSis: Please Note: I am not trying to beat you up, OMG...you have been thru enough!

You know that the OW put the k-bosch on the plea deal that would have resulted in a clean record in a short period of time. YOU KNOW THIS.

The letter, plus other information that OW may have provided but that you are not privy too, swayed the original offer. And now you have a criminal record because of that.

If that letter had not come to light on Thursday, how would you feel? You should still be outraged. But not because of the letter, but because of the charges.

But the letter flew in from left field and just knocked all the strength and support you have received in the past four months from your sails.

In this context, I can understand your feeling of impending doom. But do not spend much time thinking about that. You have a plan. You know where you are heading. None of this may work. But it will not be because YOU didn't try. Because YOU did, and will continue to try. You will eventually understand that the efforts you are expending to return your H to this family may be pointless. Because the man you are trying to return to the family is not the same man you married. But you did everything you could to bring the man you married back.

And I just re-read your recollection of Thursday and your meeting with WH the next day. His actions thoughout this are disgraceful. When and if WH goes away and W returns, he is going to have alot of apolgizing to do. "I did'nt think you wanted me to help" Please. Something a little more forceful on his part may have prevented much of this.

LilSis, Your path is now clear. The clouds on the horizon have cleared. (the sentencing) Stay with your plan. Because this a plan that works on you as well. And you are a stronger, better person for the future.

Sis,

I was in the car and heard a song I haven't heard in awhile. The lyrics are about a woman who obviously "did her man wrong", and she is doing everything she can to get him back - but the chorus reminded me of you and your Plan A.

"I will go down with this ship,
I won't put my hands up in surrender.
There will be no white flag above my door.
I'm in love, and always will be."

SB

I have a different view of the letter coming out of left field. This letter could be your godsend. The lord works in mysterious ways. This letter could be the one thing that stirs the pot enough between them to clear some of the fog. He had stated that he wanted nothing to happen to you at the time of the incident. She has now shown him that she cannot be trusted to be honest with him, nor can she act in sync with his wants and needs. Plus she now appears vindictive, manipulative, and a liar. SELFISH is the main word that comes to mind. I am sure there has been or will be a debate between them regarding this. He seemed sincerely surprised and upset. This does not discount his involvement with the entire incident, but I predict it will put her in a very negative light with him especially after the great plan A. Unless he is so completely mild mannered that he would be afraid to mention it to her, LB's should be plentiful between them.

cc1: That is my sincere hope as well...that at some level, WH will see begin to see what I see, what everyone else sees: this letter reveals her true self. It was clearly written with the INTENT that I suffer more harm. I TRULY believe that he has enought guilt about what he did to me that he does not wish for her to inflict further hurt. Now, I do NOT defend his impotence, his inaction...but I am keeping in mind that he is addicted to her. He does not WANT to see that she is vicious and cruel. The fact that she HAS inflicted further hurt (against his wishes), initially by calling the cops that night...showed a glimmer of her true self. Also, she may have TOLD WH that she did not tank the original deal for me, but perhaps now he is wondering if she spoke the truth about that.

Now with the letter, I can only hope that MIL's words are true: "She has sealed her fate." My MIL is a wise, spiritual woman and she said those words with GREAT conviction...maybe her words came from somewhere.

I will NOT let myself be brought down by the thought that he is so "whipped" by her that he will never see the light. If I believe that, then I might as well quit right now.

Thanks, cc1. I needed a little light myself tonight.

I agree with cc1

Pep

Ditto......

I am so lousy at remembering verse but....I have been thinking about the one that goes:....something like...
What satan intends for evil, God will turn around and make it work for GOOD!!! I have seen it happen before... My bet is we will see it here too. SAS

Okay...I'm REALLY angry and I need to vent. I already tried WH's cell but got VM so I guess that was a good thing. I didn't leave a message.

WH had told me on Friday when he picked up the boys that he would drop them off for church and then he was going in to work for some overtime so he would not have them back in the afternoon. I didn't think much of it at the time, but as I thought about that yesterday I began to feel taken advantage of. Not only does he spend limited time with his kids, but then on "his" weekends, he signs up for overtime...using me as the free babysitter while he goes out and earns extra fun money for he and RT.

Plus, I was slightly suspicious that it might all have been a sham...that he really had plans for watching the playoffs and used work as an excuse. Typically, OT opportunities are for an entire 12-hour shift, not just part of the day. I decided that I would call at some point during the day when he was supposed to be "working;" I can tell if he's in the cruiser because of the radio traffic.

So this morning I'm in the shower, getting ready a little early because I was going to run and pick up a prescription before the boys were dropped off. I assumed WH would drop them off at 10:30, his usual pre-church drop off time. Nope...I'm in the shower and there's a knock on the door...it's DS11, "Hi mom, we're home!" It's about 9:25.

I'm really angry. It's only an hour early...but just the total ASSUMPTION on WH's part that I'll be here, I'll bail him out, that I don't have any plans of my own, that I don't deserve or require any ME time, that he doesn't need to be specific about what time he'll drop them off. I am a 24/7 parent. I NEED and DESERVE two days, every other week, without having to be "mom." Just some peace and quiet.

And now I feel badly because I know the boys saw that I was not "happy" to see them...dammit!! So now, from their persepective...neither parent wants them.

Thanks for letting me vent. Any advice about how to voice my displeasure and set this boundary with WH without going OFF? Maybe I just need to give myself a little time here...go to church and get grounded....

(The earlier time is more consistent with actually working, however, as opposed to a playoff party....)

Oh...and DS11 also told me that they skipped the nature walk thing yesterday morning....grrrrrrr!!!!!!

I actually think rather than this causing LB's between them... it may in fact bond them right now. While a clear thinking husband would obviously sypathize with the plight of his wife... Lilsis' WH is anything but that. He is most likely displaying the same sense of comfort for the HO that thinks she is the victim in all of this. And I have no doubt at all that this woman is so off in her thinking that she DOES believe to be the true victim here and that Lilsis is just standing between her and her soul mate. Insert puke here.
Nothing that Lilsis' WH has said or done makes me believe that he is doing any LB'ing with this HO. She is where he finds comfort right now.... insert PUKE here....
I am sorry... but IMHO, this court case... Lilsis' day in court... causes me concern that the bond between these two is growing stronger and if the tree is not shaken HARD and SOON, that it may wind up being too late. IMO, a concerted effort from IL's, Lilsis, children etc... to hold a mirror up to his face and CLEAR consequences that follow (a plan B) is the way to go. I recognize that I am alone in this opinion...but I wanted to share it anyway. I hope I am wrong.

LilSis:

I can agree that the letter can do this:



I was commenting to help LilSis respond to the activity of the Whole PROCESS, not just the letter. And so far, none of the H's actions in regards to this seem to have been to help LilSis.

Can the letter create conflict with RT and WH. I can only hope so.

But, and for some reason I still do not understand, I might have to agree with MEDC. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> If you do not see some trouble in WH/RT's paradise soon, then you need to make serious plans for Plan B. I know that 2/14 is the operational date, and I do not advocate moving it up, but moving back may not be an option. You need to see something positive come from this weeks events. You need to see your H more.

You may have to plan a date with H. Get him to meet you on a neutral site for a period of time so that you and him can discuss some of these things that have been going on. The Friday Morning Restaurant may be good. Your pretence for the meeting could be the kids schedule so incidents like this morning do not happen again.

As for Sunday morning. Miscommunication. And there will only be more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

When did you tell your kids DAD about the outdoor walk? On Friday when he was picking them up? Or some time before? You had forgotten about it as well..... If it is the DAD's weekend, we can not make plans for him.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But you can establish the boundaries for the visits. And drop off and pick up times. I can not offer much in the way of suggestions here, but others can.

One option about the drop-off thing would be to say nothing at the moment, but see to it you are not available, and not there the next weekend. Thus circumstances - not you - will force him to take his own responsibilities.

As to the not LB'ing, in an A this old, and sooooooo getting to the end of its shelf life anyway, if there are not LB's about court, they will be about something else.

Another month or so of Plan A will not, IMO, cause undue harm. Here we must repectfully disagree, MEDC. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> A Plan A of months and months and months would be awful on all counts. But before going into Plan B, I think this next short interval will really solidify in the mind of the WS where the battle lines are, the differences between his skank and his rightful wife, and the amazing pull of his family, his home.

During Plan B he will have plenty of time to think about that.

Any lack of respect he may be developing as a result of this most excellent Plan A (which I think he is gaining a grudging respect instead), will be more than offset by the very excellent Plan B that is coming. He's not going to know what hit him.

KERPOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think Sis need to plan an entire weekend for herself

and WH needs to experience the joy of an entire weekend of parenting by himself ... because that is what he is signing up for when he files for a divorce ... he needs a 'taste' of this ... soon .... before Plan B

come up with an idea of something you need to do ... out-of-town-all-weekend ...
get it arranged with WH

he takes the kids on Friday and you pick them up on Sunday

and then GO DO SOMETHING
visit your in-laws
get-away with girlfriends
an educational seminar
a spa weekend

try not to think of excuses why this cannot happen
it will be what life is like if there is a divorce

if WH says he can't (and he's not working) ... you counter: "What is your objection?"

I'd be intereted to hear.

Pep

If he's working, he can jolly well find a sitter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Plan A experts: Please correct any misunderstanding I have about Plan A


My understanding of Plan A is that it is all about LisSis's actions--not her WH's actions. The purpose of considering WH's actions (or no action) is simply for the purpose of evaluating LilSis's Plan A so that she can decide where to put the most effort into changes that she wants to make in herself and for herself.

Therefore, if she scrapped her Plan A actions and changes she has been making and, instead, reacted to her WH acting like a W (as in the W in WH), wouldn't that be equivalent of handing what she can control (herself) over to WH?

My understanding is that Plan B is when it becomes about WH's actions (or no action) as in meeting LilSis's terms for ending Plan B or not.

It is also my understanding that when Plan B ends, then it becomes about both LilSis and her FWH.

Simple version:
Plan A = all about BS
Plan B = all about WS (by themselves, without contact or anything from BS)
Ending Plan B = all about FBS and FWS, and the start of recovery

Okay everyone. I think I LB'd. HELP! HELP!! but first...

MEDC...I know you mean well, and you are looking out for me, but what *I* need is for my friends here to help support me in what *I* am choosing to do...which is to continue to Plan A. I may not have been clear about that, but I have made the decision to continue on this path, as per SH's advice and my own sense of "where I am." I need to do what feels right for me personally and maintains my integrity. If I were to Plan B now, I would feel almost like I was playing a game, as if I were trying to manipulate WH into responding a certain way. I feel like I have more Plan A to give. I need to Plan A until I am done...I am doing it for me. I cannot use Plan A/B to try to control WH. Only he can control WH.

Please also understand, MEDC, that MANY, MANY people have held up the mirror to WH. No matter who or how often it is held up, WH sees a prince in that reflection. His fog is so thick that it completely distorts the image. IMO, that tactic is fruitless right now. I truly believe that my only hope to recovering my marriage is to continue to show him love and compassion...without allowing him to use me as a doormat (which he did today with the boys...thus my distress).

So on to today...

I was really upset, and called MIL to vent. I was hoping MIL would intervene, confront WH about abandoning his kids, and be the bad cop so I wouldn't have to. Unfortunately, MIL wasn't home so I behaved impulsively. I tried WH again, and was expecting to get VM, but he picked up. I calmly stated that I wasn't really happy with how this weekend turned out; that I was expecting him to have the boys for the duration (except church). Instead they came home early on Sunday with no plan for WH to have them for any other part of the day. I told him that it had been a VERY stressful week for me and that I was looking forward to some time alone, and more important, that the boys need to spend time with their dad.

WH: (defensive and angry) I KNOW they need to spend time with their dad, LilSis.
LS: I don't want to get into an argument about this. I just want you to understand that I felt a little taken advantage of since I was only "informed" about this plan only on Friday. I wasn't even expecting them until 10:30 this morning, and I was going to run an errand before then, and they arrived at 9:20.
WH: Well, you still have time to run the errand.
LS: That's not the point. The point is you need to consult with me when there is a change in plans, not just assume that I will be the free babysitter when you want to earn some extra money (I KNOW!! LB!!!)
WH: (he's pissed, now) Well, what about all the times that you call me at the last minute?
LS: I never call EXPECTING you to accomodate me, I call to ask if you are available.
WH: (still pissy) Okay, from now on I will tell you when I have a change in plans or need to work overtime.
LS: (firmly) No, from now on you will ASK me if that works for me before you sign up for the overtime. I do not want you to assume that I am available. I frequently make plans for the days that you have the boys.
WH: Well, I make plans to, for the days that the boys are with you.
LS: I get that, but I am the one who is the 24/7 parent here. I need a break. Especially after a week like this one, when I've been through the wringer. I mean...your compassion....(I stop there before I majorly LB)
WH: (REALL pissy) What about my compassion?
LS: Never mind. I don't want to go there.
WH: No. What about my compassion? (agressively)
LS: It's just been a really, really difficult week.
WH: (angrily) Well, do you want me to get them after my overtime is done?
LS: What time is that?
WH: 2:30. (HA! so the truth comes out. HE DOES have plans to watch the game. That's why he's pissed.)
LS: I think that would be great.
WH: Fine. I gotta go.
LS: C-LY-B
WH: Bye.

I got off the phone and was just angry and started crying. Maybe MEDC is right...maybe you ARE right!! But, please, please, please, just KNOW that I HAVE TO DO THIS my way. This is one of those situations where there are lots of people on both sides, and I had to pick which way to go. Can we stop looking back and questioning if I made the right choice?

All the upset made me miss church!!!! I called my oldest sister to cry on her shoulder. I miss her so much...she lives in the UP...she's right there, though, on the phone. Telling me she's proud of me, telling me how she understands, how she cares.

Okay...this was all over the map. Help, anyone??

Another thing for Plan A experts:

It is confusing to me when people are advised to (or say that they need to) take a break from Plan A. Self-care, replenishing, etc, seems to me to be an important part of Plan A--not a break from it.

Again, my understanding of Plan A is that it is all about the BS. And that includes the responsibility of not allowing their Love Bank to be depleted to the point that they would not be able to participate in marital recovery efforts, doesn't it? It seems to me that self-care, as much as is necessary, would slow down the depletion of the Love Bank and allow the BS to make it their absolute best Plan A possible before going to Plan B.

Is this thinking on the right track?

Oh, WH also said something in there about how HE thinks it's disruptive to the kids when they go to church with me and then go back to ILs for the afternoon. He doesn't see why I should bring them back to him after church, then to only have a couple of hours with him. My response was because they needed to spend time with their dad! DUH.

I drop them off after church at 12:30-1:00. That gives WH an entire afternoon with them...my expectatin being that they come home at @6, having had dinner.

LilSis: "I need to Plan A until I am done...I am doing it for me. I cannot use Plan A/B to try to control WH."

Disregard what I posted because it sounds like you are clear about what Plan A is and is not. Btw, my misunderstanding of Plan A caused me a lot of grief and hardship in the beginning, and that's why I don't give Plan A advice or support.