Your WH is just acting like the typical WS. Don't let it bother you so much. Ever know a heroin addict? They treat their children the same way.

its a war your in and sometimes you make some tactical errors, I don't think you can wont ever make a mistake, I don't even if it was a mistake or even a LB, you state a truth. You did a awesome job of recomposing yourself in the midest of him trying to pull you further in.

When he comes at 2:30 be dressed and ready to follow him out the door... what time does he bring them back? I wouldn't ask him to keep the later than he suppose to but don't go back to the house until that time, he might try and drop them off before hand... I hate to say it but maybe feed them some sugar before they get picked up.

Your awesome

Lilsis... I am not suggesting for a minute that you are making the WRONG choice... you have to do what is right for you. I merely give you things to consider from my perspective.
I will make a point to keep those things to myself if they contradict what you want to do. I made it clear that I was stating my opinion in my post. I see that you have made up your mind about things and will make a point to offer nothing more than support (and not opinion) for the decisions you have already made.
As I said when I ended it, I hope I am wrong. I apologize for offending you.

LovingBoundaries, Plan A is not replenishing or a form of self care. It is very, very traumatic and grueling to do in the midst of an ongoing affair. There is nothing therapeutic or replenishing about it. It is all about meeting the needs of the WS. It is eliminating lovebusters and doing their best to meet the needs of the WS in the face of devastating trauma.

This is WHY Dr. Harley recommends only a very short time in Plan A. He has actually said that being in Plan A TOO long can cause NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS and years of post traumatic stress disorder.

That being said, LilSis is perfectly correct in sticking with Plan A a little longer in order to show him her best side. I believe it works to her benefit to keep this up a while longer before she goes into Plan B.

heck give em' mountain dew! (remember Talladega Nights? "Youd better back off I'm jacked up on Mountain Dew and I'm gonna turn spider monkey on you Chip" or something like that.

But give em' little debbies zebra cakes and mountain dew. I am sorry. Give the affair mongers their FONDEST (where's the little face w/the rolling eyes) what they really want...he he he. I know better. I know what they REALLY want and YOU DO NOT GIVE IT TO THEM. NO PLAYING HAPPY AFFAIR FAMILY...THAT GAME SUX. PLUS THERE CAN NEVER BE A WINNER UNLIKE MONOPOLY OR CLUE.

Go Malcolm X on their affair arses...WHATEVER IT TAKES ok?

(within reason...had to add) But DO NOT GIVE THE AFFAIREES WHAT THEY WANT! IF they want peace, show them what a family after a divorce is like...plan B...truth...IF they want acceptance, sure..give it to em...AFTER YOU EXPOSE TO EVERYBODY..then see how they're accepted forever.

You see, the affair mongers don't get it. They think PEOPLE ARE HAPPY FOR THEIR FOGGED OUT PSEUDO HAPPINESS..THEY DON'T GET IT THAT EVERYBODY ELSE WANTS TO SEE EM' BITE IT TOO...everybody wants t hem to be over. Nobody likes seeing this stuff. It's a lie and we as a society have become SO POLITICALLY CORRECT WE'RE AFRAID TO REALLY SPEAK THE TRUTH TODAY.

Speak it...but smartly..Use our techniques to bust it up and have the WS not even rrealize what you're doing..No LB'ing...just simple truth and the choice to either go to chaos (the affair) or repent, change and go to the comfort and love of your real family.

Sis,

Have you considered a WEEK away? This might put the fear of God into him....

And for your weekend away, I personally would choose SUPERBOWL WEEKEND. Check the calendar - I hope, hope, hope, it lines up with his weekend with the boys!!!!

But then again, that's my vindictive side showing.

Either way, maybe you could arrange a seminar out of town for Superbowl weekend. Maybe for work?

SB

LilSis: If what I am asking Plan A experts is not helpful to you right now or is distracting to your thread, just say the word and I will take it to another thread.

ML--I realize that Plan A itself is definitely not replenishing and self-care. What I'm asking is if self-care and replenishing should be included in Plan A so that the BS is able to maintain a good Plan A until the minute that they go into Plan B.

I totally agree that Plan A for too long can lead to nervous breakdown. That is exactly why I had to quit Plan A during stbx's long illness (after consulting with SH).

I gotcha, LB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

One thing to consider when deciding how long to stay in Plan A: Your WH is showing all the signs of sitting back like the King Lion and simply watching while two females fight over him.

This is enormously, enormously gratifying to many WSs. It feeds their ego in a huge way. Why would he want that to stop? It's a drug in itself.

It explains why he does not lift a finger or say a word to intervene when you get into a physical fight with the OW, get sent to jail, and have to go to court.

It explains why he does absolutely nothing when Turdette writes a "victim letter" that causes you great grief and humilation in every way.

You slap the b*tch? He does nothing.

She slaps you back with that letter? He does nothing. (And I still maintain that he DID know about that letter, but again, did nothing.)

He does nothing because he's just sitting back and letting two women fight over him. Make no mistake - this is a drug to him like no other.

I hope you will consider this when deciding how long to stay in Plan A.
Mulan

this



was not an LB by the way ...
no disrespect
no unkindness
strictly informational

however, because any WH is, by definition, a selfish-guided-missile

HE will feel this is a LB
but
it's NOT as if you
called him names
yelled at him
begged him

you were more informational than anything else

all things considered .. I think this was clearly a moment of boundary-setting that needed to be done

and the selfish-guided-missle will feel most of your boundaries that interfere with his ~fun~ are love-busters

but some boundaries DO need to be established in Plan A

and if this is one of your boundaries you need to set so you don't go nutz .... so be it !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

again I say

GOOD JOB

Pep

Mulan is correct in her summary. The scenerio she laid out is similar to my LONG (too long) ordeal. When the police report happened to me and I went into plan FU, things started to turn around. They love to cake eat as long as you will allow. I do think this letter is a godsend, but do not wait too long to plan B or you will get to the point of extreme resentment and you will lose the effectiveness of the point. Acting soon on the heels of this letter should have a positive effect. Please do what you are comfortable with, but keep in mind, sometimes we misjudge how much we can handle and are in our own fog.

LilSis:

I agree with Pep.

Establishing your boundaries is sooo important.

And if it makes him uncomfortable, so be it.

You did great.

In case my Plan A questions made you wonder what my opinion is (and it's just my opinion).....

I have no concerns at all about you staying in Plan A now. If you start having concerns about being able to make it to your Plan B date, in about 5-10 minutes SH can evaluate it AND tell you what to do at that time so that you are able to Plan A up until the very minute you go into Plan B.

Imho, the longer that someone is in Plan A the more that self-care becomes an important issue. Imho, whatever helps you to sooth yourself and replenish so that you have the energy to complete Plan A on YOUR terms (including how long to stay in Plan A) is a good idea.

LilSis, I think you are an excellent, top-notch example of Plan Aing without Doormatting. Keep up the good work and remember that SH is only a phone call away if you have concerns. He really is as excellent as people say.

Take care

LilSis:

I am proud of you for this:



You are in a fight to save your marriage and family.

And although some of what we may do around here sounds like second guessing, sometimes it's just perspective. For the next time you interact with the alien who is your WS. And you have so many people here to help because you are doing so well!

LilSis - How long have you been Plan A'ing? I suggest you do a solid Plan A for around 3 to 6 months. Don't expect anything, and then go to a dark Plan B.

WH is an a$$. He called about five minutes out and said he was on his way to pick up the boys. He pulled into the driveway and just sat out there reading the paper, truck idling. Didn't come into the house...essentially just out there pouting because he has his children for the afternoon. As the boys walked out, I poked my head out the door and gave a big wave and smile.

I left a message for MIL to call me. I am going to ask if she would be willing to (in her own words) tell her son that DS11 and DS8 are WH's CHILDREN, not an inconvenient intrusion into his personal life....and that I am his wife and mother of those children, and thus deserve to be treated with the respect, consideration, and compassion that go those roles require.

Now that I have vented, and still have a few minutes, I will reply to some of the above.

Superbowl is in two weeks, right? Then that should be his weekend with the boys. However, it is always so late on Sunday that I would have the kids back by then, anyway.

I actually HOPE that WH IS getting a big high off of having two women fighting over him. Let him keep getting high off of that, get addicted to it, and then feel the sting when I go into a dark dark plan B. My initial target was mid-Feb. SH said to go as long as I can. I guess I'll see how I'm feeling at that point, call SH and re-evaluate. By mid-Feb., I would have been a little over 2 mos. in Plan A.

Good point about overestimating my ability to sustain Plan A. Right now is not a good time to evaluate my "energy" (as SH called it). This has been a rough week and rough day and I'm sort of tapped emotionally. Today's drama was not expected, and I wasn't prepared for it emotionally. I need to get into a better frame of mind, get my perspective back, get a plan in place for the week...and I'll be ready to go again.

I hope no one (esp. MEDC) takes my previous comments the wrong way. I hold you all in such high regard. I don't intend to muzzle or stifle the sharing of opinions, I just have to be very careful about not letting MYSELF get distracted, discouraged or uncertain. Especially when I'm in a vulnerable place (as I have been more frequently lately with all the court stuff), it is very easy to lose faith, give up hope. I can be very sensitive. I may put on a good show, but I'm still raw emotionally...on the one hand I know that I need to do what I need to do...but on the other hand, I have all this advice flying in different directions that I begin to second guess MYSELF. My confidence in myself was never great to begin with, what little there was got blasted to bits by the A, and is JUST NOW growing in a much healthier, sustainable way. I recognize this...I really do! But it's still just a little shoot that needs lots of sunshine and water to grow.

I know I will feel better once I have talked to MIL.

Bravo LilSis! Sounds like you were about one second from starting Plan F/U and stopped yourself. (Maybe that was our prayers helping <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

It's funny that you don't have confidence in yourself. It seems to us like you're Plan A Goddess. Which means you have an awe-inspiring mix of strength, courage, flexibility, quick responses, capacity for growth, and capacity to endure pain. What would it take to feel confidence? Kryptonite super powers? Shooting laser beams out of your eyes at your enemies? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

If I'm gauging the consensus of experts correctly, when you're prepared, the interactions are usually complete victories in line with your strategy, and when you're unprepared, you get wounded but the interactions are still OK, no major disasters or damage to the overall plan. Overall your Plan A seems like fantastic success.

Anyway, enough kibitzing from me, the least qualified person here. Off to a bubble bath for you!

Fr. A: You figured out my secret weapon...bubble bath. (Actually, taking a bubble bath has been a safety net for me. When I am wet and naked, I am safe from the world and the world is safe from me. I'm totally serious.)

And please...if I had confidence in myself, I would not post here with every nuance of every conversation I have had with WH over the past six weeks, playing it here for feedback. I wouldn't need everyone's constant reassurance that I am doing well.

I need to stop worrying so much about having confidence in myself, and just put my confidence in God. Keep reminding me of that, okay? Please?

I need to stop worrying so much about having confidence in myself, and just put my confidence in God. Keep reminding me of that, okay? Please? [/quote]

You've got that right. It's in our broken-ness, that God has an opportunity to work...IF we allow Him too. The problem is than in our broken-ness our Enemy takes his opportunity to work as well.

LilSis, I hope this isn't out of line. I know you've said you are a Christian. You've said....and many on this board...that God in the midst of all this. And He is. But friend, you can believe that Satan is too. Satan would love to see you give up in all this and see your marriage end. This is Spiritual Warfare at it's core. Satan's biggest weapon is lying. He lies to us....whispering those doubts in our ear. HE TAKES OUR BIGGEST FEAR ANDS SETS OUT TO CONFIRM IT

My prayer tonight...and over the next few weeks....is that you will not listen to the doubts the Enemy places in your mind.

Keep it up.