Uyyy Veyyy.

Plan A as a form of "self care"???????

Melody Lane hit the nail on the head when she stated that too long a Plan A can cause post traumatic stress disorder...that is very evident in present day form in some of the "recovered" here.

Yes dear, I know. It is very disruptive for the boys that we don't live together. They need two parents together and that is exactly why I'm fighting for our marriage.

Lem - I think YOU didn't get it this time.

The original poster didn't mean that all of "Plan A" was meant as a form of self-care or replenishment for the BS.

They meant that *taking the time while in Plan A* to provide oneself with self-care and replenishment is very important for a BS trying to cope with the strain of Plan A, and should be incorporated as an ongoing part of it.

That's all.
Mulan

LOL....well yeah, seems I didn't "get it"...mea culpa. Nevertheless....I think the point that was made about being very wary of doing too long a Plan A was a good one. I think a short, intense Plan A followed by a to the letter Plan B is the way to go.

Just my opinion.

Gotta go...games on.

LM

I totally agree!

Hey, hang around a little more often, will ya?
Mulan

football! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> are we just some fun to be had on the commercials???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Bwaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

Lem, I had to LOL on that one. Plan A as a form of self-care......doesn't really compete with the spa, does it?

I completely agree what you said, though we might have a slightly different idea of short. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Still, we both have seen Plan As drag on and on and on, eons past what either one of us would call short, and at least several hundred million light years past what we would both call too long.

Enjoy the game! Come back during the commercial!

I also just wanted to comment that whether a person considers Plan A to include allowing time for "self-care", or whether a person considers Plan A to not include "self-care" but says that "self-care" should not be neglected, and should run concurrently with Plan A, I say they're both right.

Plan A and self-care are both very important.

I neglected self-care terribly (keeping in mind I did not know about MB until near the end), mainly because I couldn't eat for months, and if Neaksis hadn't started making smoothies and yummy food, bringing it to me, then standing there and watching me force myself to eat it, who knows what have happened. I was so physically weak by the time I found MB, though I did improve some once I had a plan and was no longer just in limbo.

Sis, you have to be so grateful, and I know you are, for all these wonderful people reminding you to look out for yourself. Listen to them!

Yes, my infidelity diet consisted of Carnation instant breakfast 2x per day. Chocolate Malt favor only. I could choke those down. I'm better now, but I still have a box of instant breakfast in the pantry.

Self-care is really important...finding those things that I enjoy, finding those people to whom I can confide, having fun, but also...time to really get in touch with myself...when it is very quiet. Time to search myself and take my own temperature...how am I feeling? What is God trying to tell me now? What do I need to hear? Yesterday I was feeling very judgemental and angry about some "friends" who have been like noodle's crickets ever since "the incident." I really had a talk with God about that, then sat there a thought about it very hard...and suddenly, from nowhere..."Where's your compassion, girl? These people are just people. They probably don't know what to say or what to do or how to reach out to you. Why are you beating yourself up over it, blaming them and judging them? Show some compassion. They are human, too."

When WH brought the boys home, he was going to just pull out, but I stuck my head out and asked if he could come look at the deadbolt, which has been sticking like crazy. So he came in, WD-40'd it, and it still doesn't work. Said not to use it, just use the doorknob lock, the deadbolt probably needs to be taken apart. I have him a hug as he left (He one-armed me back) and I asked if he has a nice time with the boys. He said, yeah, as much as we can. "What do you mean?" I asked. "Well, given that it's not my house..." he replied (ILs house is like a freezer in the winter, drafty as can be). "Well, you can always come here," I said. He smiled and walked away. C-LY-B.

MIL wasn't as big a help as she has been in the past. I think FIL (who is at all times Mr. Pessimistic to her Mrs. Optimistic) has a "downer" influence on how she views everything. She even acknowleged that...FIL told her that he thinks WH is going to really have to bottom out before he begins to change. I know that MIL fears that means WH will end up married to RT before he comes to his senses, and she is afraid. She also said that she is going to have FIL call WH about the kids because WH accuses her of having spoken to me everytime she says anything to him. FIL will call later this week as they have company staying with them until Wednesday.

FIL said something to MIL about how even if RT weren't in the picture that WH would still be a mess...worthless husband and father until he gets his head on straight. I told her I was well aware of that, but that I had made a committment to this man and we have children together, I have to fight for that, for me, for the boys, and for the man that I married. And there is certainly no hope of head-straightness with RT in the vicinity. She told me I was beautiful and she admires me so. I guess I convinced myself a little, too. I have to know that I've tapped myself out...that I've done all I could, before I go to Plan B. I will know when the right time is.

If MIL gives up, I won't be able to do this.

Is there any reason WH can't take them to church on the Sundays he has them?
That would elminate the confusion!
and,
do you think he had plans to watch the game w/ HER?
If so, she could be LBing him for not being able to make it work.
it must have been a rough week for her too.
having to write that letter must have been very difficult for her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He can't take them to church because that would mean...well...he'd have to go to church. I'm thinking that's not working so well for him right now.

Now here's a thought....I've been taking them to church on "his" weekends because I want them to go to church, and I feel like it's something that one should do every week. What if I QUIT doing that...quit enabling him to NOT go and leaving it to me to take full responsibility for their spiritual development? Again, real consequence...but would he just blow it off, and give the kids the message that church is just something you do if you feel like it (and I--your wayward father--don't feel like it)?

Opinions?

Could very well be that WH planned to go to RT's place to watch the game after he was done working. And he ended up keeping the kids until 7:30...of his own accord...so yeah. Too bad. So sad.

I loved that babble suggestion. I have to memorize these things and keep them stashed like ammo...ready to fire at will.

don't take boys to church on WH's days with the kids

that is my opinion only

Pep

i think suggesting he take the kids to church on his week-ends is a great idea.
and if he doesn't....well....what then?
the timing is perfect....he's the one who mentioned it's confusing for them...perfect way to solve that....AND to give him some more parental responsibility.

Okay...

Keywords: "confusing," or "disruptive" used in any context by WH.

Reverse babble response, in this order:
1. Agreement: "I agree, honey, it is very confusing/disruptive to the boys when __(fill in description of the situation caused by A that is "confusing")____."
2. Make him dizzy: "The boys need __(fill in description of the correct behavior/activity that is currently lacking)____."
3. The Big Finish: "That is why I am trying so hard to save our marriage."

I know it's pathetic, but I required canned responses...otherwise the opportunities fly right past me. I can see this little gem working in lots of situations, right?

LilSis,

Along the lines of what I_am_greatful said above, may I point you my battlefield of the mind thread (if you have not already seen it)? Hopefully it will give you some inspiration.


Click Here

agreed

Need opinions on this.

In light of yesterday's conversation about our schedules with the boys, I would like to send an email to WH with my upcoming schedule. It is coming to the time of year when I have many additional meetings and my schedule is less consistent, so I provided him with a list of meetings that I have coming up and told him that I would prefer that the boys be with him to the extent possible so that they can maximize their time together.

I concluded the email with this, but before I send, I'd like your input/feedback. Is it to LB-ing?

"You asked me on Friday if I were taking on additional hours at work. We should talk about that and how it will impact the boys. Are you expecting that I go to full-time? If I do go to full-time—or even if I take on additional hours that require a different work schedule--are you prepared to send them to (and pay for) after-school care? What about the summer? I AM GREATLY CONCERNED ABOUT ANY ADDITIONAL DISRUPTION IN THE BOYS LIVES. They are already suffering emotionally and academically. DO NOT KID YOURSELF…what is happening is DEVASTATING to them, and the impact of your choices now will be felt by *** and *** for their ENTIRE LIVES."

I'd like to follow this "what" and "so what" with a suggested "now what." I.e.; let's make an appointment with a family counselor, let's sit down and have a parent-to-parent conversation about this... Just leaving it hangng as is just leaves him with no where to go...I'd like to provide a direction.

I know...I'm kidding myself that he even cares, but I NEED his input on this as the boys' father. I have no idea what he is expecting, I have no idea what his thinking is, I have no idea what role he wishes to play in their lives. I NEED that feedback. And I wonder if he'd be willing to sit down with a family counselor who can make him more adequately address these important issues....so I'm not the bad guy.

hold off on this email

timing is bad

i agree...i think sending him a schedule comes off a bit...i am not sure.....superior maybe?
but, maybe you could email him that you'd like to discuss your schedule? maybe over lunch...or breakfast?

Okay...I realize it was kind of a rant. I forwarded that section to MIL. She does not retrieve email regularly, but maybe that is something that she can share with FIL before he calls WH this week. I will still email him about the schedule...especially since this week the boys have half-days and I need back-up...and because he griped to me yesterday about my requests to take the boys at times other than our "regularly scheduled" programming.

BTW...I sucked it up this morning and did a Plan A sneak attack. I wouldn't have done it except WH was almost friendly last night at kid drop off, checking my lock and giving me a one-armed hug. I took my panties, spritzed them a few times w/ my perfume, and after I dropped off the boys, I ran by ILs and hung them from the back door knob. Then I texted him, "Oops! Lost my drawers! Where could they be...."