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THIS IS AWESOME!! That entire interaction was AWESOME. It was a self-respectful version of FU..and HE LISTENED...

IMO, you scored many PLAN A POINTS..if there is such a thing...

I think you may have won THE LETTER BATTLE and you don't even know it...

Sis, in case you haven't gotten a chance to look at Hosea yet.......the whole story is interesting, but here are the most crucial promises in the book.


So that is another prayer you can include both the waywards in, even while struggling with hatred in your heart. Pray that God will put up a wall of thorns between them, and that your husband will return to you, his rightful spouse. Think what a happy home you will have when the two of you are again wed in faithfulness, knowing the Lord together!

PS 10Swords, thank you - I learned a lot of new 'vengeance verses' during my ordeal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LilSis- I can only log in at work. I didn't put my $.02 in the other day, as I couldnt' articulate what I was feeling. But I have thought about it now and now I have something to say! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are doing a magnificent plan A. You are suppressing your taker and doing things all right. You are honest and true to yourself, while learning the things that you can do to meet your husband's EN's and to improve yourself no matter the outcome. I mean, you went from NO contact to him coming in the house, hugs (he wouldnt' even one-arm it if he didn't want to), instilling it in his brain that YOU are his wife and that YOU are a better person for all of this.

I hope that when plan B time comes, whenever you decide it is, that you do plan B as spectacularly as you have been doing plan A. It will have SUCH an effect. If you can go completely dark, he will come back.

And then YOU get to decide. Just because he comes back doesn't mean all is well. This is when YOU have the power to decide about this "new" husband of yours- what is left over from the W part, and what is NEW H. Does this make sense? He'll be fogged out for a little while, and the crappy withdrawl will happen, but after all that, you will get to decide if what he is after all that is what you want in a husband. YOU WILL DECIDE WHAT HAPPENS. Based on the things you've learned and what you observe in your H. Based on the changes you've made and the changes you observe him making or not making. Based on the rebuilding or not rebuilding of trust. Based on what you've learned on MB and on what he'll hopefully be willing to learn.

This is the war part. Recovery is the reconstruction after. Think Scarlett O'Hara and carpet baggers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

And I don't think you're loony to hear God's voice speak within you. I think it's wonderful.

THIS BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES!!

Yesterday you were asking about HOPE for your MARRIAGE...

Here is YOUR TESTIMONY....

IMO, THERE IS MOST DEFINITELY HOPE FOR YOUR MARRIAGE...

That letter in conjunction with this discussion was a nail in the coffin of the AFFAIR...

I'm coming to find you if you continue to let her beat you down today. There is NO NEED FOR THAT!!!

Let's get back up on the PLAN A horse....

OH MY GOD!!!

Yes..as Lex says...

This is how my H was..so broken and pained when he came out of the fog....feeling worthless and ashamed...

I am one that says that he is MUCH LIKE my H because he was such a good, decent FAMILY man who got LOST...

He got caught in a WEB and he can't find his way out...

He wants to PRETEND..he is PRETENDING that all of this isn't happening and it's not about HIM...it's the FANTASYLAND that he has been living in...

Your discovery of the A and exposure is bringing it to its end...the only way the OW will win in the long run is if YOU GIVE UP..this what she is counting on...

Yes the letter is your key and it was sent as THE answer to your prayers. I would still like to know if WH realizes this letter was sent in January...not when she was oh so "raw" from your "scariness" last summer (a possible justification in his mind). This means that she made a caluclated attempt, many months later, to inflict damage and harm to HIS family (you and KIDS). In my mind the letter itself was damaging enough to her credibility with him, however the current date on the letter adds significantly to its intended purpose.....to harm WH ENTIRE FAMILY. If you arrange to get together with him, this date could be innocently inserted into the convo regarding how overwhelming it all is, how afraid of her you are due to her continued and recent attack against THE FAMILY. What might she do next? If she could send this outrageously damaging letter many months after the incident, when you have not done anything to provoke her, you are frightened as to what may come next. Become the damsel, it worked for her.

I agree w/ this.
I don't think the "letter" has done all it can do for you....find a way to bring it up again and mention the date.
heck, i don't even think it sounds wrong to cry on his shoulder about THE FACT that she wrote it in january w/ the intent to inflict more pain and hopefully a harsher sentence just won't leave your mind.

Just a quick check in from work...

I believe the hormonal TSUMANI has passed. SHE HAS NOT DEFEATED ME YET. I am better, stronger today, and ready to keep the fight going. I am going to pick up the four roses this afternoon and drop them by ILs.

Tonight when he brings the boys home I am going to ask for some help. I've been holding down the fort alone and I just can't keep it up, I'm overwhelmed.

I BELIEVE WH would conclude that the letter was sent in January as that is when the presentence officer requested "victim" impact statements from both WH and RT. I agree totally that the date of the letter is significant. I don't really want to bring that whole thing up and get him all defensive...unless it feels right in the context of a convo tonight. It is an idea...and honestly I've thought of it, too...what mioght she do next? She has exhausted her legal options to use against me. I am fearful that SHE might contrive for me to somehow--UNINTENTIONALLY--violate my order to "not have any direct or indirect contact" with her...which would land me back you-know-where.

It is kind of scary...

Yes...she will TRY to ATTACK you...

But you have your ARSENAL intact...

Your EYES and EARS open...your MB ARMY in force..

She had you BEAT DOWN YESTERDAY...

I'm glad you are back today. It's a long, long road from where I am to Michigan.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thank you 10Swords.

LilSis,

I'm sorry if I sounded like I didn't think you were doing everything you could. That wasn't my intention at all. I think you are doing an outstanding job. The only thing I'm worried about for you is that the consistent sexual overtures with your WH put him in constant alert mode when he's around you. That's the only reason I would lay off a bit for now. That is the only reason my FWH gave in to the spur of the moment seduction. He wasn't expecting it and didn't have time to prepare himself for it.

But I can guarantee if it hadn't of been for that night that wall would still be between us and my plan A would not have worked as well. I'm not advocating unsafe sex or risking your life but it is your choice and you know the risks, just as I did. I chose to take that risk and I don't regret it, however so far I am STD free.

FWH hesitated on sleeping with me at first, I think he also felt like he would be cheating on OW. But he just could not resist. He actually got in the truck and started to pull away, stopped, backed up and called me out to the truck just to "talk" about it some more. I think you can guess what happened from there. Like I said before, OW didn't stand a chance after that.

Anyway, I just wanted to again say I think you are doing an amazing plan A.

it is scary.
She's scary.
And if she is managing to get information about you from your H she will stop at nothing to make herself feel safe and make you look bad.
didn't you say you saw her car near your house recently?
and what about the big fat lie that she wrote in the letter....was THAT addressed w/ the judge?
maybe you should take a restraining order out on her to protect yourself....can you do that?

"Where are you, lurkers? You can't all be glued to the State of the Union...IS THERE NO HOPE? You've been reading all this time and you can't find one grain of hope to share with me when I ask?"

Guilty as charged. Hi, my name is Melody, and I am a lurker. There! I said it. I'm so sorry, I just read your plea this morning but I want you to know that I've been reading your thread every day, first thing, cheering you on.

I'm in a recovered marriage (3+ years) so I understand where you're coming from. I wish I had known about MB because I probably would have saved myself about a year of grief.

What I'm here to tell you is DON'T GIVE UP! I can remember many times crying out to God, why don't you just bring my husband back? My husband of 26 years (at the time) turned from a good, decent God-fearing man to a cold, hard-hearted stranger. He betrayed me not only with two OW but in many other ways-- nearly on a daily basis. He wasn't there for me and he just didn't care. I ended up losing my home, my job, my car and our 16 year unmarried daughter got pregnant right in the middle of it. At one point my husband declared that he would never have anything to do with "that baby!" I LB'd all over the place. I promise you, all was not well in affair land, especially with me throwing wrenches in at every opportunity. It was exhausting and futile. I wasn't getting anywhere. I didn't think I could take one more day of the "drama". I had to finally step back and turn it over to God. It was beyond my power or control. If I didn't, I was going to either die or go way off the deep end never to return. I guess in MB speak, I went to Plan B, without knowing that's what it was.

What I didn't know, is that God WAS working, behind the scenes. My husband now tells me that during it all that God wouldn't leave him alone. It seems people were always being put in front of him that had a "word" for him or circumstances would come up where he was reminded of his loss of God and the good things in his life (even when he was with OW(s)). Example: He was sitting in a bar one night and the song "Will I dance for you Jesus" came on and he broke down in tears of shame.

When we first started recovery (he came home after last OW dumped him), our precious little granddaughter was born. Sometimes I think she was an angel sent straight from God because she won my husband's heart and was instrumental in bringing us closer together than ever (what Satan meant for evil, was turned to good!)

Now here we are, three years into recovery (married 30 in September). My husband is back-- better than ever. In fact, he just started Bible school at the beginning of January. We now have three beautiful grandchildren (since all this happened) and life is good.

In your situation, RT is NOTHING but a tool, an instrument being used by the enemy against your family. I pray this morning that God would intervene in a mighty way and cause your husband's heart to become tender again towards you and his precious family and that the scales will fall off his eyes when it come to RT. I pray that RT has a "Saul" experience and gets knocked on her a**.

You hang in there kiddo. You're doing a fantastic job! We'll all be waiting to read your book about how your marriage was restored 7x better than it was before all this crap started.

edit to change "Paul" to "Saul" and correct typos

Melody: Thank you for hearing my plea! Why do I so easily forget all that I KNOW? God is on my side. I must allow him to work in his way, in his time. Why is it so HARD for me to just ALLOW that to BE? PLEASE, PLEASE, everyone, keep reminding me of that. Periodic 2x4s are required, so keep them handy. Please and thank you.

IAD: I did want to go back and read your thread but got all sidetracked. Thanks for linking me.

In terms of RT's ability to harm me further...I WILL mention something to WH tonight about my fear of her, since she seems so bent on destroying me. Just planting a seed so that in the event that something DOES happen (GOD FORBID), he knows of my concern. I will share my concern with others as well.

Sis

have you sat down eye-to-eye with your H and said:

"I want my HUSBAND to come home. Our boys want their FATHER home."

then just leave that dangling there ...

I'd advise you to say some version of that whenever it seems like a good idea

Pep

Agree with this. I had forgotten that I did this exact thing. It still took a couple of months before real NC was established, but having him home was instrumental. I also want to tell you that I have a very good feeling about your situation today.....sort of like the beginning of the end of this big trauma is near. Go get her, in your very best damsel mode...not the fiesty cando girl. Do not spare him any shame. You can do this.

Another lurker coming out to wave and give you support!



Good idea, but the WH will not believe it...so make sure you mention again the lie she told in her victim's impact letter about seeing your 3 blocks from her house. He probably still won't believe his sweet little girlfriend would do such a thing but at least you backed it up with some proof that she has already told lies about you that could affect your probation.

Along the lines of what Ruby is saying and what Melody is saying and what Nia is saying, the WS and the Spiritual Point of Views, I would stay away from TALK about the OW with him. This will bring him to her defense and water down the important stuff that you need to say. You already did enough talk the other day about the letter. I would let that stand for awhile. Remember this is an EVIL WITCH that you are fighting against....out to DESTROY YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I don't think that you know or really understand about the POWERS OF EVIL..so the best thing to do is to STAY AWAY FROM IT/HER...Don't go there..that was some of the very best advice that I got from wonderful GFs of mine.."She is not on your spirtual level, Mimi...she will bring you down into her darkness"... She can seduce you into her web like she has your H. I know sounds creepy...My H says that she could never understand me or figure me out because my response was so unlike what she would have expected...

Think of this as you and your H joining forces together against HER/IT...(that's how my H and I work this now..H calls HER the "BAD PEOPLE")

So I recommend using Pep's approach, focusing as much as you can on YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. As someone else has said, SHE IS NOTHING. She doesn't matter.

She may want you to talk about her with him. She may be setting this up...telling him.."Your wife will be talking UGLY about me..she is out to get me..to break us up..take away our happiness, etc.. ( I know, YUCK)...."

I would say to FOCUS your conversation on what YOU NEED AN WANT FROM HIM...and don't forget to mention about your SEXUAL NEEDS....which is not just about SEX..about LOVE, AFFECTION, ADMIRATION, RECREATION, CONVERSATION, etc.

I'm dashing to do some work...LATER...

LilSis:

You were in the bathtub, but God was speaking to you, just not in the "burst of clarity" that you might think.

See how much better you feel today? Do you think it's because he has spoken to you in other ways?

Earlier in this thread, you asked me how OW came to be in my office.

Through that entire weekend, there could have been many opportunities for my M to explode. Someone was guiding us thru this minefield to the right place. The pain, the anger, trauma, etc, were all there on Dday week. If some of the pieces had not happened, My M would be gone now. So someone put that path there and made sure we followed it, because that's where we were supposed to be now.

And I ain't a religious guy. But if there is a God, he was guiding us at that time. He never spoke, he just made sure we stepped right.

And you are making the right steps.

Now that Mimi's caught up, she sees all the positive that came from this most traumatic of weeks for you.

You did plan FU in OW House back in August (maybe wrong month!). And it didn't work at that time. And you do not get good second chances at Plan FU.

Your Plan A seems to be having the desired effect. You can see the difference since December in WH.

The letter's date is important. If you get to see H, not WH, tonight, then if appropriate, YOU WILL KNOW, point out how she did this in Jan, not August. And that is why you are overwhelmed. Per Mimi's post above, leave it at that...

Get a GPS tracking device for your car. And post that info daily so that if RT says you were around her, you can pull out info to refute her claim.
And let WH Know your schedule via email daily. Please note at the top, in case RT slithers out, RT can avoid you. Discuss this with WH on Friday morning. Not the GPS, just your concern about a chance meeting with RT.

Hang in there, it's always darkest before the dawn.....

LG

"Where are you, lurkers? You can't all be glued to the State of the Union...IS THERE NO HOPE?"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Hi there! Well, I wasn't exactly glued to it, but was having a rather lovely time switching back and forth between so-called HiDef channels comparing the pattern on Cheney's tie and the awful color of MsSpeakerOfTheHouse's bland ensemble. The ensuing problem was that the channel that appeared *most* HiDef had talking head voices that curled my spine. So I ate ice cream.

I'm a long time and diligent lurker and whilst I don't really post, I do know how much money HOLD's W spends. lol!

In a land long ago and far away, I was the OP. I wasn't married, and I'm not cunning and manipulative (or so I thought at that time), but it was a soulmatey and awful relationship that did untold damage to many, many people. It will always remain a hurt spot in my soul as I can not comprehend how I didn't see the damage that would occur, nor care much about anything but mememe and the....uh......soulmate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I really have no excuse. Great FOO, wonderful education, supportive family. <sigh>

"You've been reading all this time and you can't find one grain of hope to share with me when I ask?"


I felt compelled to post to you as I've been reading your story and cheering for you from behind the curtain. I don't see one grain of hope for you, but I see many grains of hope for you and your marriage.

1) Your MIL said your H fell to his knees crying when he found out that RT had you arrested. So even though he's deep in fogland, he was extremely upset at what their actions had precipitated.

2) Your first plan A actions produced results in a relatively short time. It may not seem like it, but it didn't even take a day for him to start coming in the home and responding to you in more than WS grunts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

3) When you told him that all you wanted was a recovered marriage and intact family, He said, "What if that doesn't happen? He did not say, "That's not going to happen", and believe you me, most souls lost in soulmate-hood would say exactly that. And mean it. !!!!

4) At first he took the panty capers quite well. I do think he told her about it as in some conversation you two had he referred to 'hygiene'. Now, a man may think of many things when confronted with a panty-less woman, but 'hygiene' is probably not on the list of the top 100. However, a totally catty and pretentious OW might say something like, "Well, she'd better hope she didn't pick up anything on those auditorium chairs, hardly hygenic!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Although I am with the enough-already-with-the-panties group, I think it's telling that he didn't call a stop to that before he did. I think that's BIG!

5) The letter. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh....the letter!! I think she screwed herself with this one. She 'cheated' on him. She proved herself less than loyal (I know, <gag> on that one, but you know what I mean), and less than honest. I believe this will play around in his little besotted mind for quite a while. After the it's-you-and-me-against-the-world-because-they-don't-understand-this-is-the-greatest-love-ever-created state of mindf### starts to crack, the fissures run fast and multiply. This little drama of hers is going to turn from fissure to canyon in short order, I think.

6) She's a drama queen. In fact, she seems almost pathological about fantasizing that all men want her. She pulls her little swimming in the nude stunt. She remarks about a child catching her in her underwear. The butcher in her grocery store makes suggestive remarks. Firemen make suggestive remarks. You are after her and drive within 3 blocks of her house. My God! This woman must have the sex appeal of Elizabeth Taylor on diet pills! WOW! Very scary to be her! Poor thing. lol! If your H is as down to earth (in his human form) as you say, this will drive him nuts before too long. How could it not??

7) When you had your talk with him about the letter, you got to him. Big time. His reactions to your pain and tears do not sound like a man who is totally emotionally removed from you. At all.

I must admit having a little concern a few pages (!) back when you said something about your MIL waffling a bit. (you didn't say she was waffling, but you said something that insinuated that she was pulling back?) I think I'd try to have a couple of conversations with her in which you do not mention much about the marital situation so she doesn't feel trapped between the love for her son, and her hatred of what he's doing. She's a valuable asset. Strangely enough, your good relationship with your inlaws will make your plan B a difficult one. You will need boundries of steel.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you a big hand for how you are handling this horror, and a big hug to go with it.

{{{{{{{LilSis}}}}}}}

I really think you're going to succeed in recovering your marriage, but even if you do not you are a person of rare character and delight.