Sorry I missed your lurker shoutout yesterday!

I am one of your "10,000" silent supporters who have been with you since the beginning and pray for you, cheer you on, and bleed with you when you hurt. I love ya, girl!((((((lilsis)))))))

You do MB proud. I am proud of you for your fight, your tenaciousness, your perseverance, your hope. You CAN do this LilSis.

I am so very hopeful for your marriage. I so badly want your real H to show himself. I am going to pray specifically that real H will gain strength and begin to be revealed even in small subtle ways.

My own words so often feel very lacking in how I want to express myself, so I will just leave you with irrefutable truth from Gods Word...

The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

This one is a "life-verse" of mine, after surviving my H's A:
We also rejoice in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character;
and character, hope.
And hope does not disappoint us,
because God has poured out his love
into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,
whom he has given us.
Romans 5:3-5
(it is that Holy Spirit, LilSis, who speaks those words to your heart in your bathtub! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I encourage you to read all of Psalm 91 which deals with fear.

This was a great comfort to me:
Your righteousness reaches to the skies,
O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?
Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
YOU WILL RESTORE MY LIFE AGAIN;
from the depths of the earth
YOU WILL AGAIN BRING ME UP.
You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.
Psalm 71:19-21

Be blessed today LilSis, and keep fighting the good fight.
Glad

RS: What a great post! Thank you. You really HAVE been paying attention....you pulled all the little details in there. Just wanted to clarify...MIL is not waffling...she is also feeling defeated because FIL is SOOO pessimistic about WH. FIL is not a man who takes morality lightly...very Christian...and he feels like his son is doomed. FIL's "downer"-ishness has had an impact on MIL...she even said so. It's just hard for her to be enthuiastic about WH coming out of the fog when FIL is already analyzing the degreee of burns that WH will suffer in he!!.



What's FOO? I see it all the time and never figgerid' it out....

LilSis,
I didn't want you to miss this point...



Asking for your WH's help in taking care of things has been very effective. But I think the advice here from Susan and Pep (Pep - I know you'll correct me if I'm wrong <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />!) has more to do with needing him EMOTIONALLY.

Everyone likes to be needed. And I don't think it will take any play acting on your part to let him know that you miss the partner/companion/friend/supporter/defender, etc. he use to be.

GTPO: More great verses to check out. There's another...I think in James...that I've read a few times that deals with perserverance. Clearly the OT has more to offer than fire and brimstone (that's always been my uneducated impression...and so I was always all little afraid to go there). I hope that doesn't offend anyone.

FOO

family of origin

"she is also feeling defeated because FIL is SOOO pessimistic about WH. FIL is not a man who takes morality lightly...very Christian...and he feels like his son is doomed. FIL's "downer"-ishness has had an impact on MIL...she even said so. It's just hard for her to be enthuiastic about WH coming out of the fog when FIL is already analyzing the degreee of burns that WH will suffer in he!!."

Ahhhhhhh! Gotcha! Well, hopefully H will escape those burns and FIL will be a MB convert........I know I am. It is hard to understand the concept of EN even when one reads it daily. For a black and white gentleman like your FIL, it will probably sink in about the time you and H renew your vows. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


"What's FOO? I see it all the time and never figgerid' it out.... "

Family Of Origin. Alas, I can't think of anything I can blame on them. <small grin> My failings, unfortunately, are all mine to own.

Another thought, if I may.

I can not figure out how they are remaining so clueless about the finances in their little pea brains. ??? She is going to receive spousal support, I believe you said, but do they honestly think with his financial obligations to you and to your children they are going to have money for an occassional Prada bag?? I think not. Idiots. (I can call them idiots as I was one....lol!)

Oh well, that's all part of the mindlessness of it all, I guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You are doing a wonderful job!! Praying for you every day!

Spoon is funnee<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have to leave in 10 minutes so I'll make this fast.

WH picked the boys up today...it's his day...I had not heard from him about my request for a meet on Fri. AM. The boys had a half day, and I just got home from work. I was just changing out of work clothes when the phone rang. It's WH.

WH: I need to get DS11 a book for his reading counts at school. (they have to read books and accumulate so many points by the end of the marking period...DS11 has accumulated exactly NONE and Friday is the last day)
LS: He's just not going to make it this time. He and I have talked about that.
WH: Well, what does that mean?
LS: Do you want me to tell you or do you want to ask him yourself (I'm thinking DS11 should have to explain to his dad...not weasel out by having me do the dirty work)
WH: He says he doesn't know.
LS: (long pause, and I said all of this slowly) A lot of things are falling thru the cracks. I just can't do this anymore. I am so overwhelmed. I am holding down this fort all by myself. And you asked me the other day about more hours at work and I just can't even comprehend that now. How am I going to get them back and forth from school? I just don't know what I'm going to do.
WH: Well, you are the one who shut me out of all this.
LS: No, you left. We really need to sit down and talk about this. What are we going to do about all of this?
WH: Friday morning's not going to work.
LS: Okay, let's find another time. We really need to address this. The boys fight...I screamed at them the other morning because I was JUST at the end of my rope.
WH: All the kid stuff, school stuff...
LS: You get the emails same as I do (the teacher sends emails with each day's assignments)
WH: Well, I don't know what's going on. You shut me out.
LS: I would have to respectfully disagree with that (I really did say that!)
WH: You are the one who said that I am a good-for-nothing father and you could do all of this on your own and you didn't need me.
LS: Maybe I was wrong. I WAS wrong.
WH: (long pause) I'll have them home by 8.
LS: So when can we meet.
WH: how about tomorrow afternoon?
LS: What about the kids?
WH: We can just send them upstairs.
LS: Okay. See you later.

8 minutes conversation. a record. Gotta go...

Way to go! You are not the fiesty can-do girl....awesome job.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

be very clear
you need him
~and~
you want him

not just what he can do for you ... but ~him~ ... the human being man

good job

REALLY GOOD JOB

Pep

So is Pep! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LilSis,

I only have a second...

He JUST told you how you can win him back!

Make a list of ways he's a great father. His easy going nature an asset for them?

You might need to apologize for not recognizing how his parenting style was JUST as important as yours.

Can you ask someone to watch the boys tomorrow? Drop them off at their friend's house?

~ Marsh

I just caught this

are you timing the conversations???? LOL

let's shoot for 10 minutes next!!!

Pep

Good job LilSis. Excellent convo. Your ability to verbally articulate your feelings on the fly are awesome. I'm bettin' he still reeling over your admission that you might be, no you were, wrong about his abilities as a father and your need for him. I'm thinking that really made it through the fog.

he ~might~ be talking about after he moved out

but he also ~might~ be giving you a really BIG clue of how he was feeling in the M pre-A

try to get him to embellish on this

ASK him ~~~> "Please, tell me the ways you were *shut out* in our marriage. I need to know."

don't say "the ways you felt shut out"
don't say he was NOT shut out

ASK him how he WAS shut out .... you may learn more from this question than you can imagine.... a road map....

really, trust me... do NOT tell him he is wrong ... he is sharing some emotional intimacy with you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS FANTASTIC

Pep

This is GREAT INFORMATION!! I think his remark is very telling and I have wondered if he felt this way all along. LS, I think you have a great opportunity to show him that you DO need him and correct this impression that he is unneeded. He needs to feel NEEDED. Go for it, girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep wrote:
This is PERFECT ADVICE!!

any chance you can hav ethe boys go home w/ friends tomorrow afternoon?

that was good...telling him you were wrong.
that was really good. i think he needed to hear that.

tell him that again tomorrow.
tell him you are sorry for ever saying that....that you were very hurt when you said it and that you were not thinking about his fathering skills when you blurted it out.
just your own pain.

LilSis:

OMG!
OMG!
OMG!
OMG!
OMG!

(LS <--- The one armed hug from WH, soon to be replaced by:

(((LS)))

BEAR HUGS FROM HUSBAND!

That 8 minute Convo was a huge turning point.

"You shut me out" Which, and this is not a bash, you did. But you can prove right here that you will NOT in the future.

Your Husband will parent different from you. Accept that. Let him know the things that he did well with the boys. ANd let him explain, as the great PEP above notes "the ways you felt shut out"

LG, picking himself up off the floor, because this convo BLEW ME OFF MY CHAIR!

LilSis:

Have the boys upstairs. It's the M house. The boys are upstairs. You and H are discussing the boys. This is how it would have been in the past, and in the future.... Much contrast than what the BAD future might be...

And it avoids the "pressure" if the boys are gone....

Make sure you are baking or have baked his favorite cookies just before arrival...

Remember, this is his HOME.

And he is coming by, at your request.....

I have two small items of advice, perhaps slightly redundant, but so important and needing to be stressed.

1) When you talk to him, begin with an apology right off the bat. This will lower his defenses, and he will be far more receptive to what you have to say. And he is FABULOUSLY receptive already!!!!!

2) Write down in a letter to give to him, all the ways you can think of in which he was a good dad, wonderful father, and great husband. I don't think you can possible underestimate how vital it is that he hear that from you right now. And having it in written form will allow him to read it over and over again.