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I love it!!
This feels really good right now, just stay grounded.
My FWH's MOW was a highly manipulative and cunning woman too, the last offense I never saw coming, I relaxed my guard. Take care, LS.
And yall out there: Keep those prayers a-comin.
[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
- Noodle[/color]
Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]
Very Happily Married
Me FBS - 44
Him FWS - 51
I married him all over again, May 07
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I am verclempt!!!! This sounds fantastic!!!!
Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ~Benjamin Franklin~
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Wow!! He wanted to do something nice...even after the "big talk." Guess it wasn't so scary after all. I don't know if this has been said yet "we" , the collective MBers who are rooting for you, have a love in our hearts for your husband not for the idiot who hangs out with RT but the husband and father we know is inside we do understand he will have his own wounds from this experience some of us can already smell these wounds ... because they are familiar to our own from the past the reason we want you to succeed is because we love your husband like one of our brothers we do understand his pain as well in some ways, you are better off than he you are dealing with your pain, working through it your husband, the real one, has future pain he is not expecting when I pray for you I pray equally for your husband because I, we, know he is really lost and soul sick ... that he is not a bad guy, not really so far, I have read nothing from you that leads me to think badly of your husband, the real one we are reaching out to him ~through you~ Plan A is like an action prayer to protect your real husband from harm because to divorce you and take up with RT would be the worst harm he could do to himself love to your husband, the real one Pep
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LilSis:
So much for paying attention to me:
LG's earlier quote--->>Now ignore us until the morning and spend time with the boys and get some rest!
He came back tonight!
How cool is that! No one armed hug in that darkened living room....
One caution:
The WH may get really Ugly.... Because RT will put her fangs in and start to twist as she sees his butt sliding over the fence.
He will be in pain from the RT bites, but he's coming over to your side of the fence, so stay strong...
When does the MIL/FIL Return?
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WOW. all I can say is WOW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
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I have had a couple of good encounters, but don't worry...I'm not even close to being over-confident. I know I still have a long row to hoe. This was just some fertilizing of the soil.
ILs return in April.
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LilSis:
You did it so well!
And you are certainly fertilizing!
You can enjoy the high. Cause tonight you saw your H. Just for a while. ANd that brings all of us good hope.
And you asked me before if I HONESTLY BELIEVED. I do.
LG
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wow....
way to go girlfriend!!!
Just to give you another perspective. Whilst in my affair, if I had any positive interaction with my husband -- I LIED about it to OM. LIED LIED LIED. I couldn't possibly let him know I was conflicted. OM had those very high expectations of me, kinda like RT has for your husband. He gave up so much for me, I had to LIE and EXAGGERATE how HORRIBLE my marriage was to smooth things over with him.
(and how crazy and pathetic my husband was....ANOTHER LIE)
Its all built on LIES. Crazy-making. You start having the inability to keep your lies straight. So you withdraw. Stop communicating, because you might get caught in another LIE.
And when OM started pushing and LB'ing, I was in no condition to handle it. I was in such a state! Affairs disintegrate so fast, because they are all built on LIES and WS's have a much lower capacity to tolerate LB's.
You are doing all you can do on your side of this equation.
More pressure on fantasy-land and his affair is toast. As soon as she starts pressuring him and LB'ing him -- he'll be back to you as quick as he can!
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Hi LS,
I have been reading here for years.
A few years ago, I was having trouble in my marriage(luckily not anything like I have seen here) and it is because people like you with inspiring spirit and will and the ability to share and articulate so well, that I have come out of hiding. Just to say THANK YOU!!! Your an inspiration to any one trying survive what before seemed hopeless.
I know you will make it. I see so much goodness in you and I see so much love in the way you talk about your man. I know he must be worth it.
Just like others have said he is lost in the fog, but you are not only a light house to him, you are a lighthouse too so many more.
Enough gushing, I really should go, but I just wanted to say keep it up.
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Been lurkin since 2000? Eleven posts and I get one? I'm honored. I really have a hard time comprehending how my soap opera-ish life is helpful to anyone...with the exception of all the great advice I am lucky enough to recieve from others. If sharing my story brings that out, and shines a light for others...I am grateful.
Along the lines of what Lex said...and someone said this last night...
WH offered yesterday to do whatever it was that I needed. Heck, he even mentioned vacuuming! So...do I start calling him for everything? Do I think of him like a husband who meets all those same needs...bring the car in for an oil change, hook up the DVD and VCR to the old TV because I can't figure out how it all goes together, have him drive the kids to school on the days that we are both off, everything I can think of???
Not being punitive, of course, and always ask with gratefulness and admiration...letting him know how "heroic" he is for doing this for me. These are all the kinds of things that I wish he would do...that he would do if he were here.
Essentially, a husband who doesn't live here, sleep here or eat here and with whom I can't have sex.
I kinda think he would go for that....and it would open WHOLE NEW DOORS for interaction and contact....and TONS of opportunity for me to meet that need for admiration.
Thoughts? (cuz I really need that TV re-hooked up)
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WH offered yesterday to do whatever it was that I needed. Heck, he even mentioned vacuuming! So...do I start calling him for everything? Do I think of him like a husband who meets all those same needs...bring the car in for an oil change, hook up the DVD and VCR to the old TV because I can't figure out how it all goes together, have him drive the kids to school on the days that we are both off, everything I can think of??? Yep..He CRAVES being NEEDED..gets HIGH off of this..especially the ADMIRATION and APPRECIATION afterwards. From a LOGICAL MB's POV, you begin to meet this need BIG TIME in conjunction with the DOMESTIC SUPPORT NEED that she can't meet....THEN...LET'S HOPE!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> always ask with gratefulness and admiration...letting him know how "heroic" he is for doing this for me. These are all the kinds of things that I wish he would do...that he would do if he were here. EXACTLY...not spelled the same..but as Pep would say! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Who says? Just kidding..MAYBE...You know me. I just couldn't help it. I noticed, didn't you, how he DID NOT OUTRIGHT REJECT YOU when you brought the subject up last night. He loved you NEEDING HIM in that department as well. would open WHOLE NEW DOORS for interaction and contact....and TONS of opportunity for me to meet that need for admiration. EXCELLENT!! You've got it!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Just TM'd: "In celebration of our newfound mutual respect and cooperation...(name of Fri AM restaurant)? I'm flush $40 on my counter" He told me the boys needed haircuts and left $40 yesterday... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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Just TM'd: "In celebration of our newfound mutual respect and cooperation...(name of Fri AM restaurant)? I'm flush $40 on my counter" He told me the boys needed haircuts and left $40 yesterday... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm not sure I understand what you are saying.
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Let's hope he bites. But if he doesn't don't get discouraged.
Last night was B I G.
I'm wondering if RatTurd didn't love bust after your afternoon meeting. If she did, she'll immediately know it was a mistake and try to recoup sycophant status.
Last edited by 10Swords; 01/26/07 08:57 AM.
[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
- Noodle[/color]
Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]
Very Happily Married
Me FBS - 44
Him FWS - 51
I married him all over again, May 07
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Just now read your report from yesterday afternoon. I love him, the boys love him, this is his home, we want him to come home so we can be a family. WONDERFUL!! PERFECT!! Okay...you have TWO children that you brought into this world...and what's best for YOU is MORE IMPORTANT than these two innocent lives??? Grrrr.... Yep..typical WS.. I know..GRRRR.... I told him that the roses meant a great deal to me. He acknowledged that they meant a lot. Hmmmm... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He said something about "groveling." I said I was just being me, treating him the way a wife should treat a husband. GREAT..not backing off in response to that WH bullcrap!! What he is REALLY SAYING IS: Stop confusing me..Stop making it difficult for me to MAINTAIN MY HIGH...Make it EASY for me to ABANDON MY WIFE AND KIDS to be with a HO.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Again, his statements were so off the wall that I can't even recall them. Yep..a FOGGY, ALIEN BEING, right? You see why I say you CAN'T LISTEN TO THEM...focus on the ACTIONS? "I don't want anyone to have 'custody' of our children. I want them to live with their mom and dad." YOU ARE SO AWESOME!!! LS: They are just little boys! They need a father who hugs them and kisses them and is around them, who talks to them in person while eating dinner, tucks them in and is just THERE. They aren't going to pick up the phone and call, and even if they did, it wouldn't be what they really need. DITTO ON AWESOME!!! WH: Well they need for you to stop confusing them.
LS: What they need is for you to stop committing adultery.
WH: That language! Does your IC know you use that language?
LS: What language? (I mean, really, it was hard not to laugh) He is the one who is CLEARLY NUTS..and needs an IC!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He asked if I had talked to IC about what it would take from me and what it would take from him if we were to try again. I said that it would be hard, but we could be happier than ever. I was confident of that. WOW!! HERE IS YOUR DEFINITE SIGN OF HOPE FOR RECOVERY!! THE WONDERS OF PLAN A!! told him again that I didn't think we had figured anything out, and I really couldn't do this. He told me that people do it all the time. The argument that "people do it all the time" and what we are doing is OK is what RT is telling him and you are definitely refuting this and NOT LETTING HIM OFF THE HOOK... I put my head in my hands and began to cry softly. I told him that I have changed and grown as a person, but this is STILL too much. He said he was happy for me for growing. I said I am strong; I had to be--he knows where I have been. Yes, he said, I know where you've been. He closed his eyes and leaned his head on the wall and he swallowed hard...opens his eyes and he's welling up. I let that sink in a minute. Then I told him that I came out of that awful place...I'm better, stronger. He said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, to see me fall apart again, doesn't want me to set myself up. I told him I wasn't setting myself up. I was doing what I needed to do. He, the boys, our family are worth fighting for. That I took vows and I intend to keep them and I will fight to keep them. What he sees as groveling is not...he said he didn't WANT to see it that way...I assured him it is not. I see it as keeping my vows and honoring the promise I made to him. ALL OF THIS IS WONDERFUL..REMARKABLE..IMO, your WH is really sensitive to your HURT FEELINGS..that really pulls at his care for you...THERE DEFINITELY IS LOVE IN HIS BANK FOR YOU...He is DEFINITELY NOT APATHETIC AND UNCARING...A part of him wishes that this wasn't TRUE..It would be much EASIER for him if he did not love you...HE ESPECIALLY IS LOVING YOUR CHANGES!! This is SOOOOO PERFECT, Sis.... What about come April (final D??), he asks. I said a piece of paper does not change anything in my eyes, the eyes of God or the eyes of his family. He closed his eyes again.
I told him that I really needed him to understand that I am just doing what I have to do. That I know what I am doing is right, and he is a good person. I had made a promise to him years ago and I need to keep it...even if it makes him uncomfortable. I need to do what I need to do. I asked him to respect that. He said he would...tears in his eyes. Do you see now how you would make it sooo EASY FOR THEM if you just GAVE UP? That is what he is wanting you to do. Yes. He needs to be IN AGONY like this and to HURT..to SUFFER..which is what Mortarman helped me to understand. The A is DEFINITELY NO LONGER JUST FUN, FANTASY AND PLAY and you haven't even gone into PLAN B yet... WOW!!! I don't know if anything made it through his fog. You're kidding, right? ABSOLUTELY REMARKABLE!!! He's SOOO adamant. "I'm NOT coming home." BULLCRAP..just words!! I'll never forget the day that my Dear, Dear FWH said to me: "Face it, it's over, I don't love you anymore..." GOD got me through this, everyone. I kept thinking of the earlier conversation with MIL. God is working. God is working. I can't see it. I can't see his plan, I can't see the path he has laid for WH. But I KNOW it does not end with Yes. Trust in HIM..HE'S working it out for you...WITH ALL OF OUR PRAYERS FOR YOU, YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR BOYS....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Just TM'd: "In celebration of our newfound mutual respect and cooperation...(name of Fri AM restaurant)? I'm flush $40 on my counter" He told me the boys needed haircuts and left $40 yesterday... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm not sure I understand what you are saying. WH'll get it, but he won't (didn't) bite. He never does...he doesn't even reply to my TMs. When he finally does that, I'll KNOW I've made progress. We always went out to breakfast at the same restaurant on Friday mornings. It's an invitation that I have made every Friday for the past several weeks, just a different spin today..a little reminder that he agreed to respect what I needed to do. Well, H did anyway. WH has probably forgotten. The reference to the $40 was just a tease...he left it sitting on the counter specifically for me to get the boys haircuts...he knows I never carry cash. In a way, I'm sort of implying that I'm a little more willing to be frivolous...money was NEVER an issue...but my reluctance to spend $ on small things has a element of Miss Perfect about it. That's much too subtle for WH to get, but oh well...it helps for me to recognize that. I don't know WHAT happened after our afternoon meeting. He called from Sam's Club probably only 1.5-2 hrs. after he left, then didn't leave here until shortly after 8. Somewhere in there he took the time to eat the soup. So I doubt he saw RT after he left here in the afternoon. But I doubt she let him off the hook last night...knowing he'd be here...even if he went HOME after leaving here, I'm sure they talked. Hopefully she LB like mad...but I don't know... Maybe she's smart enough to keep her mouth shut. But I feel it...I really do...there are cracks...I BELIEVE it even if I can't see it. She is EVIL and cannot win, she CANNOT prevent me from keeping the promises that I made to H, to God, and to everyone in the church that day. After yesterday, H (the real H) UNDERSTANDS THAT and AGREEED (twice) TO RESPECT THAT. I will choose to take that as H's endorsement of my actions. H would not want this ugly alien WH to take him away from his wife, children and family. I'm fighting for H since he is unable to fight for himself right now. MIL said something yesterday...my love for H will eventually be irresistable to him. She BELIEVES that, too. I KNOW God is on my side...you all have convinced me of that....and he's been guiding me ALL ALONG...putting you all in front of me as his angels to do his work for him. That's where that serenity came from yesterday...nia wanted to jump thru the computer and strangle him...but I had this sense of peace and calm. Nothing he could say could penetrate my armor yesterday, because I KNOW that I am right, that God is with me. And I had heard it all...those same things...from reading other people's stories here. I wasn't surprised or shocked at anything he said, so it could roll right off my armor.
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For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Ephesians 6: 11-12
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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MIL said something yesterday...my love for H will eventually be irresistable to him. She BELIEVES that, too. LilSis, I completely agree with your MIL on this. My FWH has said this several times, towards the end of the A and throughout recovery. The fact that I loved him through everything, I stood by him no matter what he threw at me. That's what brought him home. Towards the end of the A he actually admitted to me that he said and did alot of things to try to make me hate him, but damn me, I just wouldn't cooperate. I just wouldn't make his life easier and make the decision for him. I am so excited that you got to see a glimpse of your real H. Those glimpses will start to come more and more. I could actually start to see a pattern and it really helped to brace myself for the WH. Just like everyone else, his asking you what it would take from you and him is huge!!! FWH would tell me the same thing, he wasn't coming home, wanted a divorce, etc. Then almost immediately afterwards he would ask me what it would be like if he came home. I just kept telling him that I've changed and grown. That I could only speak for myself but that I've learned how to have a great marriage and I would like for him to give it a chance. After I started my plan B he wrote me a letter telling me he was ready to come home and he reference those words. He said that all this time I kept talking about this great M we could have and he's seen all of these wonderful changes in me and he's excited to see if we truly can have the M I had described. So eventhough you maybe speaking to the WH at times, some of those things do make it through the fog. Keep your faith. This was a wonderful exchange and more than likely the first of many to come.
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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"we" , the collective MBers who are rooting for you, have a love in our hearts for your husband Thanks, Pep. It is refreshing to hear anything NICE about H. With the exception of MIL, who sees things thru the same lenses that I do--everyone I know speaks of him with disdain and/or contempt. So even though your point of view is implicit in all that MB is about...it is nice to have it stated explicitly, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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