|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862 |
What's also very sad for me is remembering how WH would interact with RT's youngest son when we would do things together as a families. He would act so delighted around that little boy (two years younger than DS8), pick him up, toss him over his shoulder, tickle him...meanwhile...I would watch DS8's face just fall. Literally...just droop.
It just haunts me, Marsh. I understand. It would haunt me as well. (((LilSis))) I think this book might help you alot w/ helping your sons cope w/ their feelings...it's one of the best parenting books I've ever read. http://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881Maybe if you believe you can help them better w/ their emotions, it will help take "some" of your worries concerning your H's parenting away. ~ Marsh
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
IMO, Sis' H's parenting is on him....
She needs to step out of this...and focus on THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
We are only getting HER PERSPECTIVE on HIS PARENTING....
JUDGMENTAL..I was SO CALLED on this very same thing by Steve Harley.
I NEVER WOULD HAVE RECOVERED MY MARRIAGE if I didn't get how hurtful this attitude of mine was to my H...
Yes, my H definitely has faults as a parent..but it is not up to me to CORRECT HIM..We WORK as a TEAM...
I'm leaving...I'd love to talk to you more about this later, Sis...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155 |
LG: You last spoke to RT H in SEPTEMBER. Do you remember where you were in September....... Alot has passed since that time. You do not know what actions that RT has taken that could have PI$$ED OFF RT's H. I honestly don't think ANYTHING can pi$$ this guy off. He is SOOO mellow. When he found out about the A, he wanted to call WH to make sure that I had been informed...not even angry. Seriously, this guy is missing an anger gene somewhere. I don't know how to express it...he will roll over and play dead before he will say a harsh word to anyone....especially RT. "She's the mother of my children..." yada yada. He was already moving on when I talked to him in September. Going out, new car, etc. He had agreed to all her demands for settlement (gag)...just wanted it over so that it could all be in place and he could begin his "sentence" of having to pay support for 18 months (or whatever) after the D was final. And we know about WS entitlement around here. RT may believe she deserves MORE than her panty-waist H is giving her. Maybe, but H will cave. He was so willing to just have it over. And you do not have to talk with him long. "What is the status?" "When do you see resolution?" "Why is it taking so long?" I suppose an email wouldn't hurt. I just dread the thought that he will not JUST answer the question and will give me TMI..."RT and WH are looking at houses or have set a wedding date or have picked out rings." He has the ability to (and has in the past has not been reluctant to) say things that are hurtful to me. RE: your close. mimi pointed out at one time that for me to say anything to RT's H about trouble in A-land would be disingenuous. (sp?)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834 |
LilSis: I think we need to step back for a while: So if I seem a little harsh in that area, it's not just me being overly sensitive or critical...there's some real damage that has been done. In the past as well as now, by leaving... Because we can spend a long time in this area and got off the focus of saving your M. Because the alternative doesn't get any of this any better. My POV: I tried to be a good DAD. But it was never quite right with W. Alot of it was my pig-headedness. And my W loves self-help books and read many. So, SHE had all the answers. And I didn't get with HER program. And WE had no way to get past that. And this is the period before the A, after the A started, it didn't get any better (DUH!) However, since we found MB, and read his books, W is alot looser with her parenting style, and allows me some slack to do mine. But we communicate much better about what we are trying to accomplish with our son. And as a guy, I know a thing or two about being a boy... So, this needs to be explored. There are parallels to your sitch and mine. I have commented on that in the past. But, lets not get to distracted by that here right now. OK? Because the D will remove any opportunities you have to work with your H to get to a better parenting place. Ladies, can we agree on this for now?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862 |
Remember he USED TO BE A LITTLE BOY..
You understand being a BOY better than HIM?
That's what I used to think and feel like I did such a disservice to OUR SONS.
I'm just now trying to right that wrong.
They needed more toughness..more a man's influence and approach in their lives..my H's toughness was out of love..not meant to HURT them as I ASSUMED... I so agree w/ this. Little boys need that toughness from their fathers. They need softness from their mothers. Balance. Respect. Lilsis, this is an area where I see the potential for having the biggest impact on your family and meeting your H's needs. I think he already feels like a failure as a father...telling him you're confident that he will do the right thing where his boys are concerned will go far w/ him. Letting him decide what to do w/ the boys on Sunday morning will go far as well. Believe in your H's love for your boys. I think it will be THAT love that will bring him back to you. But, he has to believe he IS a good father. Worthy of being their father...worthy of being their FULL time father. ~ Marsh
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
My POV:
I tried to be a good DAD. But it was never quite right with W. Alot of it was my pig-headedness. And my W loves self-help books and read many. So, SHE had all the answers. And I didn't get with HER program. And WE had no way to get past that. And this is the period before the A, after the A started, it didn't get any better (DUH!) However, since we found MB, and read his books, W is alot looser with her parenting style, and allows me some slack to do mine. But we communicate much better about what we are trying to accomplish with our son. And as a guy, I know a thing or two about being a boy...
So, this needs to be explored. There are parallels to your sitch and mine. I have commented on that in the past. But, lets not get to distracted by that here right now. OK?
Because the D will remove any opportunities you have to work with your H to get to a better parenting place.
Ladies, can we agree on this for now? I 1000% agree I've been trying to change the subject Pep
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
PLAN A strategy now .... especially ADMIRATION
dealing with parenting LATER ... in recovery in marriage counseling
Pep
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155 |
ABSOLUTELY. Let's agree and move on, because we KNOW a D would be the worst thing EVER for the boys. THAT SAID...Everything that you both are saying...both sides...mimi's FBW/Mom side and LG's FWH/Dad side = a compelling argument that I will seriously take to heart. This is new for me in the context of the PARENTING relationship, so thank you for pointing it out: Just like I was telling you the other day and like I tell our boys: YOU MUST ACCEPT YOUR H FOR THE WAY THAT HE IS..This is where POJA come in during RECOVERY...still indicates the need to read the BASIC CONCEPTS.. Corresponds exactly to what LG said about his experience. I can see how the POJA can help address the issue (that IS legitimately a concern of mine RIGHT NOW because I do not understand his perspective) once/if we are in R. Your assignment: Buy HIS NEEDS YOUR NEEDS today.. You know why I've been avoiding it? Because the related section in SAA is hard ENOUGH to read...that a whole book of it scares me! I end up feeling SO RESPONSIBLE for everything. So guilty. Like I DESERVED THE A...ouch, I can feel the 2x4s already...but you know what I mean??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
more ping pong romance/admiration ideas: buy him a book I think THIS ONE [color:"red"] <~~~ [/color] might fit the bill NO relationship books YES to: poetry and romance and admiration of manhood Pep
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Sis You know why I've been avoiding it? Because the related section in SAA is hard ENOUGH to read...that a whole book of it scares me! I end up feeling SO RESPONSIBLE for everything. So guilty. Like I DESERVED THE A...ouch, I can feel the 2x4s already...but you know what I mean?? if ~you~ deserved this horrible adultery to befall you so did I so did Mimi so did Golfer's wife so shaddup ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Pep
Last edited by Pepperband; 01/27/07 02:15 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Marsh:
I understand the bigger picture here. At the same time, this will be somewhat of a stuggle for me. Some of WH's parenting IS wrong..he can be verbally abusive...REALLY shouting at the boys in an intimidating and frightening manner. His parents have commented on it as well, witnessing it first-hand...as has my own mom...so it's not just my Miss Perfect getting pissy. **thud** Mimi, it is not an accident that she found you here. This is SO MIMI. She is just like you. LS, please listen to Mimi. She was in this same predicament with her H. She criticized his parenting skills and actually pitted herself and her children AGAINST her own H, pushing her H out of the marriage. This was profoundly disrespectful. He felt like an outsider in his own home. She has stopped doing this and her H no longer feels at war with his children, but is actually able to show warmth and care to his children. Once she changed her attitude towards her H, he changed in response. PLEASE listen to her. It is a gift from God that you have found her, because you are so much like her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155 |
SO...Plan A strategy for this weekend:
A card, picture, drawing...something from the boys to their dad, whom they love.
A excerpt from a Frost poem from me, handwritten. To be delivered when "whatever" from the boys is delivered.
Maybe an email to tell him about what transpired when the boys and I go to the zoo this afternoon. Maybe have the boys call him from the zoo, "Hey dad, guess what? We saw the snow lepeord! And we saw monkey peeing in his own hand! Eeew!"
WH is working this weekend, 12 hour shifts, so not much time for interaction.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
WH is working this weekend, 12 hour shifts, so not much time for interaction. interact anyway you and the boys take some trinket you bought at the zoo and some home baked goodies to the police station drop them off there with a note: "From WH's family to all of you ... for all you do for all of us" ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Pepperband; 01/27/07 02:19 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155 |
PLEASE listen to her. It is a gift from God that you have found her, because you are so much like her. Maybe mimi IS me...me when I'm older, telling my younger self what to do...we're in some wierd temporal inversion... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Thanks, Mel. I can see exactly what you all are saying. It IS disrespectful, and he is their father...as EQUALLY responsible for their parenting as ME. No more, no less. His view on how to raise them is as legitimate as my own. A POJA would--I'm SURE--resolve this issue, when/if RECOVERY gets here. Let's not get ahead of ourselves... and pep...I told you I could feel the 2x4s already. On with Plan A....
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
A POJA would--I'm SURE--resolve this issue, when/if RECOVERY gets here. Let's not get ahead of ourselves...
. Exactly, but in the meantime it will be important to stop criticizing his parenting skills since you know it is a lovebuster. THAT, you can and should do NOW.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862 |
A POJA would--I'm SURE--resolve this issue, when/if RECOVERY gets here. Let's not get ahead of ourselves...
. Exactly, but in the meantime it will be important to stop criticizing his parenting skills since you know it is a lovebuster. THAT, you can and should do NOW. Co-signed. ~ marsh
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 136
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 136 |
hmmmmmmmm. Trying to think of ping pong balls.
What does your H (not WH) like to do? What are his hobbies/interests? Does he collect anything?
When one is all tied up in the mindfog of an EMA, all previous joys are usually dropped. Concentration on anything but the mess is almost impossible.
What are your hobbies? Is there an activity you might be interested in? Something you might want to collect? (maybe something distinctly unLilSis-like) Like...if you usually collect bland china, could you develop an interest in historical erotic miniatures? (lol, okay that's over the top, but think on it)
I know you've done the attic, but is there another room you might want to rearrange or paint? There seems to be a lot of beautiful old lighthouse paintings on Ebay............
Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ~Benjamin Franklin~
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
So weird.. At my H's office..typing this to you while he talks to our OS on the phone..the son whom he used to be distant from... We are meeting him for dinner where he lives.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Sis, I'm thankful for you that you are learning this 10 years earlier than me..HOW WONDERFUL FOR YOUR SONS... This issue IS an ESSENTIAL PART OF YOUR PLAN A... EXPRESS ADMIRATION OF HIS PARENTING...while looking straight into eyes..and touching his leg as you sit side by side.. playing a music CD with your favorites in the background... Listening, Pep? I also feel strongly about this because I ACTUALLY DID HAVE AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE FATHER..years in therapy for that and THOUGHT my H was like my FATHER.. MY FATHER NEVER TREATED ME AS LOVING AS YOUR HUSBAND IS TREATING YOUR SONS..and, get this, I've learned that even though my father WAS ACTUALLY ABUSIVE, I know now that he really did love me... Sis, you are alot..alot..like me...EERIE... Anybody read the book THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN..how people meet for special purposes in their lives...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862 |
This issue IS an ESSENTIAL PART OF YOUR PLAN A... Agree 100%! It's the one area where she can make a huge change and clearly demonstrate that change to her WH. ~ Marsh
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
425
guests, and
58
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
