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i am sorta new at this. i am just getting some comfort that knowing someone knows the pain. not like i wish it on any one but it helps to know you are not alone.
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bsj:
Do it. Start your own thread. You will find so much support and comfort. I know it takes a leap to put yourself out there, but the payoffs are incredible. Your situation sounds VERY hopeful...he still says he loves you, admits it's only a sexual thing...people here can help you come up with a PLAN to bring him home. It is so empowering to have a plan...you aren't just flopping around grasping at straws, waiting for the WH to come to his senses, etc. You can do this.
Marsh:
Thank you so much for posting Lori's story again. It had an impact on me the first time I read it, early on, but reading it now I pick up on different points. It also helps me see that I actually HAVE made progress. In any case, it is such a good story...all summarized and tied up in a little bow...an excellent reminder. A MUST READ.
I can't wait until I can write my story like that, so that people like bsj don't have to slog through 100 pages of drama. If (when?) WH and I make it to recovery, and I tell my story, complete with the prostitutes who helped me while going through DTs, the angels along the way...if I can do this, anyone can.
So Miss Perfect has a good side, too. She will not let me fail, she's an overachiever. So if I can keep Miss P around for the big picture stuff, and lose her for the little stuff, I'll be good.
Balance, right? A lot of this is about achieving balance. Meeting ENs, parenting, letting go...Who knew?
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None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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Thanks for reposting that Marsh. It was extremely powerful. It still amazes me how every story starts the same. The same words said by the WS and the same feelings felt by the BS. LilSis, You should print that out and reread it anytime you are feeling overwhelmed or a little unsure. I hope you have a wonderful day today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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It can never hurt to run it anyway Sis... it takes about 3 minutes and also filters out anything spammers leave on your computer. But in reality, if you are certain he could not access computer while you aren't at home... there really should be no concern. Hard wired vs. wireless really would not come into play. As far as shopping... yes, it was fun. Let's just say that my son's excitement is translating into his thinking I have an unlimited supply of cash! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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I just wanted to let y'all know how much I am getting out of this thread.
The bit about how an H parents is so incredibly helpful, I can not thank you enough. I also see (saw) my H as expecting too much from my ds...I felt he was too "rough" parenting wise, criticizing, verbally abusive, etc...this has truly been an eyeopener for me. I can not believe how critical I have been of my H as a parent. That changed yesterday after reading here.
Realizing that a son needs the "toughness" from his father who loves him dearly and the "softness" from his mother who also loves him dearly is huge to me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
And LS...you are truly an inspiration. Your courage and creativeness have been a God send for me. Thank you!
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Lil Sis-- hope you're on right now. Important update for you. RT's divorce was final on January 16!! I'm no expert on the Plan A stuff so I'll leave the strategy now to the ones who are.
{{{{{LIL SIS}}}}}
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Lil Sis-- hope you're on right now. Important update for you. RT's divorce was final on January 16!! I'm no expert on the Plan A stuff so I'll leave the strategy now to the ones who are.
{{{{{LIL SIS}}}}} are you sure? this is OKeyDokey a divorced RT is an "entitled to what I want" ratturd can work IN your favor Sis don'cha'worry Pep
Last edited by Pepperband; 01/30/07 10:58 AM.
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Positive. LilSis gave me the info and I called the court and spoke to them personally.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Huh, she's divorced, surely your WH knows this and is STILL offering to do things around the house (take him up on that vacuuming <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ), get you an HD antennae, parenting the boys, still responding well to your PLAN A!!! It's been 2 weeks already and seems to be in no rush to be "together forever." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Very good sign, IMHO......
Me FWW 36
BH 50
D-day 1 2/18/06
D-day 2 3/28/06 (same EA)
NC 3/28/06 and going strong
7 total children
Mine/ours live with us
DS 15
DD 12
DD 21 months
"With all it's shams, lies, and broken dreams, life is still wonderful. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
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If anything, in the last 2 weeks he's gotten much better. Maybe he needs a break from her? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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If you can find out if her support ends in the event of her cohabitating with someone it would be good info to have. If it does... WH is going to need to come up with living arrangements should his parenst get tired of his antics and ask him to vacate their home. In reality he can't move in with RT since she would lose her money.... oh yes, I see the air coming out of the A pretty darn soon.
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PPPhhhhhtttttttt- the sound of the hot air blowing out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
Me FWW 36
BH 50
D-day 1 2/18/06
D-day 2 3/28/06 (same EA)
NC 3/28/06 and going strong
7 total children
Mine/ours live with us
DS 15
DD 12
DD 21 months
"With all it's shams, lies, and broken dreams, life is still wonderful. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
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aside:
LilSis
whenever a passive BH agrees to vacate a > 10 year marriage/kids without a fight .... I always suspect there is a little piece of the story that has gone "missing"
it just does not make sense
no matter how "nice" and "giving" a guy he is
in order for Mr RT to roll over and play dead like he's done, he had something to gain from granting a quick divorce
I know it has nothing what-so-ever to do with your M .... but it is an interesting side-bar to discuss
AND, chances are very good that your WH knows ~exactly~ why Mr RT has made the divorce so expedient
Mr RT has some skeleton in his closet
maybe he's IN the closet
maybe he has someone else in the closet with him
maybe Mr is fed up with a wife who cheats (more than once)
so ... there may be some excess baggage Mr and X Mrs RT are dealing with ... and it may be off-putting for WH ... something is giving him pause
Pep
Last edited by Pepperband; 01/30/07 11:46 AM.
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I can tell you Pep that some people just have a firm "if you cheat you are gone" mentality. I know people like this that have divorced their spouse very rapidly after discovering infidelity. Perhaps her H was one of these people... and it may not seem right to us... but in all reality they ofetn times have made the best decision for their family and themselves. I would never put up with infidelity from anyone again...for better or for worse will NEVER include infidelity for me ever again.
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If you can find out if her support ends in the event of her cohabitating with someone it would be good info to have. If it does... WH is going to need to come up with living arrangements should his parenst get tired of his antics and ask him to vacate their home. In reality he can't move in with RT since she would lose her money.... oh yes, I see the air coming out of the A pretty darn soon. Yes, MEDC, you must have missed Lilsis's posts where she said this IS indeed true. Her WH cannot live w/ RT or she'll loose $$$. Also, when WH's parents get back he has to find another place to live. They don't want him living in their home when they get back. ~ Marsh
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Yes, MEDC, you must have missed Lilsis's posts where she said this IS indeed true. Her WH cannot live w/ RT or she'll loose $$$. Yes, I must have missed that. What I had remembered reading was an assumption and not fact.... so, yes, I missed it. Thanks for pointing that out.
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Yes, MEDC, you must have missed Lilsis's posts where she said this IS indeed true. Her WH cannot live w/ RT or she'll loose $$$. Yes, I must have missed that. What I had remembered reading was an assumption and not fact.... so, yes, I missed it. Thanks for pointing that out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Now I'm second guessing myself about whether it was an assumption or a fact. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> ~ Marsh
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meggy you are a PRINCESS! I was at a training this AM and have a staff meeting in 45 minutes...but logged on immediately to see if you found out. You are also speedy!
I am shaking, but....
I am so relieved to know for sure. It also confirms that my instincts (for once) were accurate...I could tell from talking to RT's X that he wanted to move forward quickly. Interesting comments from Pep about why so quickly...you may be right about something else going on there that I'm not privy to.... Hmmmm.
I CAN'T wait to call MIL and tell her.
I wonder if WH's comment the other day about "come mid-April" has any significance. Maybe he's wanting it to move quickly as well? We have not done ANYTHING in terms of working out a settlement or anything. Just the legal legwork to establish support...but I don't even know if that got filed becuase WH's attorney hadn't finished his end of the paperwork.
A verbal agreement was in place between our attorneys, however, so I feel safe/protected by that (I could always use that as a fallback if things went south). I imagine that the order is NOT in place at the court, because none of the support is coming through Friend of the Court(FOC)...WH is still just depositing a random sum (not the EXACT amount required by FOC) into our joint account.
He's also still paying the cable bill, internet, subscription to the newspaper, phone, etc. that are in his name and direct billed to his AMEX.
Actually, MEDC is correct...it IS an assumption from a conversation I had w/ RT's X back in September...that he would be paying some support in addition to CS and the thing about discontinuing it at co-habitating or remarriage. Since all the other stuff panned out..and clearly the D went full steam ahead, I would imagine that there were no glitches in that agreement.
Wow...that was 6 months to the DAY. Kinda scary for me...could I just wake up that day (April 13) and discover I'm D'd? Doesn't stuff have to HAPPEN? Doesn't this take TIME? (My attorney does know I want to take as long as possible)
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Just checking out in_pain's thread and feel badly for even posting. She's in a bad spot again.
But...I'm having a bad day again for some reason. The office is closed for MLK and the boys have a snow day. I ended up crying in the shower (where the boys can't hear me), asking God to give me strength, to give me another sign that I am doing the right thing. The boys were watching TV, so I retreated to my bedroom to read the Bible and try to get centered. WH is off today and I called about 10 to ask if he wanted to make some plans since the boys were off. He called back about 45 minutes later and said that he'd take the boys...sort of an "I guess I'll take them if you want me to" sounding offer. Not quite as enthusiatic as a mom would hope.
He then asked me to "not expose the boys to my overtures." By that he meant that the boys were in the car when I dropped of the picture/poem the other day (they didn't know what I was dropping off, however), and that when we dropped of the food last night, the boys had written him a note. I told WH that DS11 wrote the note of his own accord when we realized he wasn't home. Nevertheless, WH said that even though it is good for them to see we "get along," it would "confuse" them. Okaay...and you abandoning them, moving into their grandparent's home, only seeing them a few times a week, and taking up with a married woman, "joey's" mom--THAT'S not confusing??? It's like a kick in the gut.
He then went on to talk a bit about 24 which he watched last night as well, and told me I should get an HD antenna for the new TV. I told him I knew nothing about that, and asked how much they cost. He told me $50-$75 (which would not be an issue except I don't really care about HD at this point, didn't tell him that). I told him that I am going to have to purchase a new operating system for the computer so that I can upgrade the version of iTunes in order to download songs for the boy's ipods, and that would be a higher priority for me right now. I solemnly told him that it's must one more thing....
I asked if he would like to do something today, the four of us and he kind of laughed and said no (what a joke, huh?). Later in the conversation I asked if he wanted to come over and watch tonight's 24 with me and he said no thanks.
I KNOW about the garden, letting the seeds grow, I KNOW that I need patience, I KNOW all of it you guys! It still hurts, dammit!!! I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, with tears in my eyes and just felt like such a chump. Why am I crying over this WH...this selfish, selfish, cruel, rude, insincere, lying, cheat? This man who defends his adulterous lover for having me tossed in jail...for WHAT??? For "hurting" her?? HOW??? Do I mean SO little to him that he felt I DESERVED to be locked up and turned into a criminal--after what THEY did to ME?
I don't even know if there's an H left. DS11 told me last night that kids are supposed to repsect their parents, and he doesn't respect his father. I asked him why and he said, "He's hurt you so much, and what he's doing is so wrong."
How do I know that ther's any H left worth shining a light for? Is faith and hope enough to keep it going? I feel like you all here are the only consistent support that I have...I can't call MIL morning and night. I just with I had some clue that the ice was melting.
Sorry for the downer this morning. You posted this on the morning of JANUARY 15th... Any significance? Anything stand out in your conversation with him?
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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