Texted him:
"Thanks for calling. Any word on cause? Was the dad on O2? We watched for you on 8. C-ly-b"

Never done the c-ly-b on text before. I think he'll get it.

I see where you are going with the 1-on-1 invite. I'll invite for Thursday AM...cup of coffee, no pressure? Invite by text, VM, phone or in person? (see how clueless I am? I even look for advice on this...) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Some encouraging thoughts:

WH is no longer looking at the past through a completely dark filter. He is trying to make connections – calling MIL, calling FIL, calling YOU…sharing a FOND memory about the 2 of you and the now burned down house…sharing his experience as it is happening! You are having an effect, and I bet the photo album helped with this, too.

On the check – WH is a cop – following the legal system to the letter of the law is what he does. The letter he got says he owes you $___, so $___ is what he is going to pay, no matter what. I know it was totally devastating to you, but I don’t necessarily think he meant it to be.

I totally agree with the other posters…tell him again that he can come home and the 2 of you can work on putting your marriage back together.

You are doing GREAT, GREAT, GREAT!

On weather - we could use some of your snow! I work in the tourism industry & our snowmobiling and lodging are way down this year. 28 below on my thermometer when I was making coffee this morning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

((((LilSis)))), and the prayers continue!

Thanks, SHOL. I see your point about the check. But still...I hope I made a point with him that the check is NOT what I, or the boys, need.

I wrote a card to him to go along with a book that I got for him. The book has a memory attached to it, and I recalled that memory and two other related memories in the card. They were funny moments in our past, things between just the two of us.

I ended with this:
"I miss US. Not WH and LS. Not mom and dad. Not cop and PO. Not co-owners of a house and a boat. Not a son and a daughter. JUST US. Love always, me"

I'll drop it by the back door at ILs today.

Very good stuff happening.

Calling you about a house that you two dreamed about is so telling.

He doesn't want the D.

He just doesn't know how to stop the train wreck.

Keep reminding him that you know he will do the right thing. You believe in him. You know that sometimes even the best of people loose their way. But, they always find their way back home.

God is on your side.

~ Marsh

Is there anyway you could let it get back to OW that your WH gave you money for those fines?

I bet THAT would cause a few LBs in A land.

~ Marsh

Marsh:

RT is LBing in her own right without knowing about what Mr. Sis is doing with Lil Sis.

We do not want her to catch on so that she won't turn SWEET and CUNNING again.

I would bet RT is mistakenly assuming that SHE continues to have the POWER ....

LilSis:

Please just go visit him at the IL's house.

If you have to cruise the neighborhood every couple of hours to find him there, do it.

That is your face time. And keep it light. And as schoolbus says, try to face him.....

But also, try to sit next to him sometimes, so it isn't as threatening. That is what the telephone brings.

About the check. SHOL may be on to something.

But that's not all. It's RT. He needs to do this to show HER something. SO make it as difficult as possible, and use the same methods as you have been doing. It destroys you to have that happen, but thats what you need to do, but think about it as its really making it difficult for RT and him as well.

YOU have gat to make sure he KNOWS that you have HIS BACK in all this. BEcause he has turned it on you. And when he turns back to face you, he's going to get it from RT. He's gotten it in the back from you before you discovered MB. Now, he needs to KNOW that he has a safe place.

More later!

LG

Her arrest is the one crack that we know about in their A. I don't believe RT would be able to control herself if she thought he helped to pay for Lilsis' fines.

That arrest can continue to be used to clear away the fog. RT thinks she was an innocent victim in that. But, WH KNOWS better. And that has to drive RT CRAZY! After all, their love is pure and untainted....how dare WH think she some how deserved that slap....that would mean their love isn't as lovely a thing as she pretends it is. So, if she found out that WH paid for those fines....I think she'd blow her stack.

JMHO.

~ Marsh

Marsh:

I agree that the arrest can be used to clear the fog..but the FOG of the WH. We don't want RT to be let on to the FACT that she is losing her POWER. Sis' focus needs to be on continuing to woo her WH.

Sis:

Listen to LG...HE'S BACK!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As I told you earlier...alone with him at the ILs...face to face...

The only problem I see with this is I don't think LilSis should do anything that can be construed as underhanded.


LS,
If you get a chance I think I would tell him, "If I ever have another chance I would move heaven and earth to make you happy. I love you that much."

My husband was "leaving me". He thought there was no way we could ever fix this. I told him that I could forgive him, that I still love him. It was a turning point for him. She lost her 'glamor' very shortly after that.

Of course I defer to Mimi's opinion. My instincts tell me things are looking up. Calling you today was a beautiful thing. Hang in there. You're a helova woman!

Don't defer to MY OPINION...

BRING IT ON!!

I LOVE THIS!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ETA: I just recalled that my saying: "I deserve ANOTHER CHANCE"... struck a chord with my then WH...He AGREED with me that that was the case..early on in my PLAN A...

I don't think Lilsis has a way to get it back to RT anyway.

Happy Birthday 101S! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Almost everyone close to me was born in Feb.

~ Marsh

Sis' H and my H are alike in being GOOD MEN who WENT ASTRAY...I also think it's important that they are men who RESPECT, LOVE AND VALUE THEIR MOTHERS...Sis SHINES IN HIS EYES as the mother of his children..this is a man who turns to his own MOTHER for comfort and support...which he is in danger of losing..if Sis had AGREED with a DIVORCE, it would have been so much EASIER for him....

Focusing on doing what is RIGHT and FAIR is crucial here as others have said...

Especially after D-Day and the A was brought out into the light, my H could not get past his SHAME about the WRONGNESS of what he was doing....he couldn't sleep at night..lots of crying in the shower...like Sis' H's parents, my H's parents have been married FOREVER...

The FOW in my case struggled to convince him that what they were doing was OK.."everybody is getting divorced these days".."the kids will easily adjust".." at least you are paying good child support..."that is enough for her"..she doesn't really NEED you like I do... I want YOU and not your MONEY"..YUCK...This is what the OW is trying to feed him and convince him of...

Sis is being the LIGHTHOUSE, for sure..bringing him out of that DARKNESS...

Plus, Sis, now that I think of it..let him know some more..how much HIS FAMILY NEEDS HIM...

I think that's what mimi's saying, in a way, in reference to not "playing" RT in any way. I agree 100%...I need to make sure all of my interactions are WAY above board. Total "transparency" as we would say at work. Nothing underhanded, nothing conspiratorial, nothing that would lead WH to mistakenly believe that my changes are a ruse to "get him back." Totally truthful, totally honest.

Just one mis-step...that is what RT is waiting for. I cannot jeopardize my efforts by doing anything that appears manipulative. If she sees an opening--any opening--she will pounce.

Besides, WH "paying the fine" is not technically correct. The check he gave me yesterday was for the difference between what he paid me in support for Dec. and January, and what the court ordered him to pay retroactive to Dec. He just threw that "fine" thing out there as something I could use the $ for...when I refused to take it.

The check is stuck on the fridge, just as LG suggested. There it will remain.

I stopped off at ILs...I've been out running errands and missed the above posts (FINALLY out of the house!!!! Who was it that brought up The Shining a couple of weeks ago...??). I dropped off the book with the note (..."I miss US"...), and a generous serving of soup and some crackers. I stuck a note on the soup...something about how the three of us can never finish a whole batch on our own.

I assume that your suggestion to "stop by ILs" implies a solo visit. This means that it would have to be when the boys are in school, which means that it will have to wait until Weds. or Thurs. when WH is off. Weds. I have a meeting with my probation officer first thing, then meetings at work, and my support group in the evening. WH will pick the boys up at school. So it's got to be Thursday. Pick up a couple of coffees and stop by ILs?

Last time I stopped by in the AM (with roses) he was gettin ready to head over to the coffee shop where RT was working...ugh.

Gotta tell you...I'm apprehensive about stopping by unannouced with no kid excuse. The very few times I have done that (like above), he's crabby and my sense is he feels his space is being invaded. Like the above mentioned rose drop...he just gave this huge sigh and slumped his shoulders like seeing me was more than he could take and he wished I would just GO AWAY. At some point, doesn't that become an LB?

Just asking. ????

Slight TJ--

Thank You, Marsh, I think the world of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I'm going back to my thought early this morning...

Throw it out as an OFFER and let him come up with an idea on how to arrange it...

Yes it could be. I think your WH will consider it to be a LB. Can you find some reason to go over there that would require a call first? I think the space thing could easily get him ticked off. It leaves you with a tough choice... risking angering him... or taking the chance that he might respond well to your actions. Only you know him best. But I can most definitely see the potential for a problem here. Follow your gut.
BTW... I love 10S suggestion.
You will do the right thing here Lilsis. I think if I were in your shoes... I would call from the driveway! But that's just me. It says... look, I am here and want to see you...and then also shows you respect his privacy. If he doesn't answer, then knock as you can say you tried to call first. He may respond to that.

The posts are flying, and I can't keep up!
LG's BACK! Hip-hip-hooray! But could you explain this a little more? I'm not sure what you are getting at...is it in reference to the check? WH is SHOWING rt that he's following through with D stuff by paying me support to the letter? And make what "as difficult as possible?'

Sorry...slow today. Cooped up for three days...surprised I'm not drooling all over the keyboard.

I think the arrest stuff works fine on its own without ANY assistance from me. I believe that it is one of those hairline fractures that will eventually begin to splinter...just like the little chip that I just noticed in my windshield. It's just a matter of time before I've got a big old crack across the whole thing...it will happen all on its own. Also, it is quite possible that MIL and FIL attack on that front. I can just stay out of that one...so I'm not perceived as "attacking" RT, thus causing him to go to her defense.

I also love 10S's quote. Happy B-day! (my b-day is on the 15th...do I count, too, Marsh?) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

mimi the comments you attribute to the FOW in your stich sound EXACTLY like what I envision RT saying. She clearly had no problem with destroying her marriage...she's been ready to check out since day 1 (she was prepared to get a D as soon as WH decided to leave me...pre-d-day). She will NOT be able to TRULY OR SINCERELY relate to the conflict he is experiencing....because she's fine with it.

because she's fine with living as a [color:"brown"] turd [/color]

LilSis...

Something that Mr. W and I were discussing last night made your situation come to my mind...

When I was away for 2 weeks visiting the RT in our situation, I had dinner with my mom one night...

At this point my mom was unaware of the affair and just thought we were having problems and I needed "space" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

My mom kept asking me what was so wrong between Mr. W and I...I was literally stumped to tell her, because Mr. W had already begun Plan A...I had just received the most beautiful roses from him, in fact...

I practically fell all over myself trying desperately to find something bad that I could say about Mr. W...It really put it back in my lap and caused me to think...Everything that came out of my mouth sounded so lame that even I was aware of it...Left me sputtering, "Um, ah, well Mom...there are just things..." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I wonder what kind of stuff your WH might say to his mom if she questioned him in this way??? My guess is that he would respond much like I did...

Mrs. W