tell him
as a stated fact
NOT as a sin-like confession

do not blow this up so big
it was an error
you did not do something willfully against your own values

just state it as a fact
then move on to plan something else exciting

if you make this a BIG DEAL it is shows you are self-focused .... seek a solution ... plain & simple

Pep

It's not like you didn't have anything else on your mind.

Besides, if this IS so important to him, he should be involved or handling it himself. Why should you take responsibility for this? You shouldn't. Just tell him you decided to do something different this year.

Yes, try another place. The old place probably would have brought back too many memories of what you did in years past. A new place is good and you might even like it better.

LilSis:

My DW's college roommate had rats in her dorm room as well. Imagine that?

But her roommate went to the same cabin for the same two weeks, from the time she was 8/9 until she was 41-43 years old. She took over from her parents. And one year, she forgot to send in the reservation. And it was gone. 35 years or so of tradititon. Because of a post card. Was she disappointed with the owners? Yes. Just like you. Was it her fault? Yes. But guess what? They signed on up again the next year. And have gone ever since. She won't miss the post card.

So here you go:

Dear WH:

I know we have talked about the cabin, and I was really looked forward to going this year. As a family. But I missed the reservation date. With all the things going on (NO DETAILS, HE GETS IT) I misplaced the reservation form. I should have sent it in Dec, but, well you know...

So, we can make other plans for that time. I was looking forward to the cabin at the lake as a link between our past, and the bridge to our new lives. But maybe we need some new memories for this year?

Because I a certainly rerenting the cabin for 2008!

C, LY, B

LS

LilSis,

Glad I checked back before braving the cold to drive to work.

I would say, yes, for sure, tell him WHY this is so hard for you. A couple of reasons - it seems to me he has responded best to your sincere expressions of feelings, but mostly because it's good for YOU. True to plan A - keep working on being the best person you can be.

JMHO. As always, I defer to those who have dealt with a WS who is still actively in an A.

BTW - totally blown away by the 2 phone calls yesterday! You are awesome!

Putting a new spin on it here...perhaps this mistake on your part will be a good thing. First of all... the specialness of the cabin may be a bit lost now due to the events of the A. It really stopped being your "family" place when he took them last year without you being there.

So, find a new place up there... a new adventure. Ask your H to help you pick out a new place and hopefully 2007 is the first of many, many years that your entire family... H included, can celebrate the NEW life that you have formed. The tradition is not in the building Lilsis.... it is in the spirit that your family brought to the cabin. Now is the time to begin anew with a lot of things in your life. This could be your opening for getting him to sit down with you and talk.... it has an eye to the future, you are seeking his help and talking about the "family" that you are still making sure he feels a part of.
Ask for his help in finding a new place and enjoy every moment when you are all there.

I totally agree. You may well have subconsciously known what you were doing when you "forgot" to send in the deposit. You knew that you needed a new place so you can all make new memories and new traditions!

Mulan
P.S. It's going to be 81 degrees (yes, eighty-one degrees) and sunny where I live today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LS, another long time reader/lurker here.

Maybe you can ask him what you should do about the cabin situation. That way, you are showing him that

1. you value his input
2. trust his parenting skills
3. are vulnerable

Perhaps you can tell him that you need to talk him about the boys and sit down with some brochures or website print outs for cabin alternatives and ask for his input. It would be a great opportunity to remember the good times you both have had as a family:

"This place has _________. Remember when DS8 did ________ and then he _________? That was so funny! He had a blast and talked about it for months."

Also, is there some activity that is not really something you would normally do but might try that WH likes to do?

"I was talking to _____ the other day and she told me how much fun she had (fishing, boating, cliff diving, mountain bike-riding) I can't wait to try it with the boys."

He can see that you are the new and improved LS, who while previously a perfectionist, is now capable of trying something new and not afraid of looking foolish. (I say this a perfectionist myself and I struggle with this as well. It keeps from doing things where I could have had fun, but was afraid I would look stupid.) There are things that are naturally father/son activities. Mention those activities, so that he can think about the fun family times: I should take my boys fishing/bike riding/hiking; teach them how to build a capfire and so on when we go to our yearly outdoors vacations.

I think last week on a particularly bad day you lamented and asked why you are doing this. My opinion, FWIW, is that you fight for your family because it is the right thing to do. Because LS is a good person and does the right thing. Not for your fogged out WH but because you are going to be the best person you can. If you put too much attention on the FH, with all the emotional turmoil he is in (clearly he is in turmoil about what he has/is doing) you will go nuts.

I'm rooting for you and I'm sure so many other lurkers are rooting for you too!

Lilsis, this is one of those things that just happens. Your under a lot of pressure and things happen, I have things missed with my girls because of what is going on. Its just one of those things, its a consequence your WH will understand eventually.

Don't use this as guilt on him, just state the fact.

Is there some reason you think you need to discuss this right now?
Why now?

I would do one of two things:

1. Use this as part of your Plan B. New place, New life, New everything that he is not a part of.

2. Wait until March -- give your Plan A some more time. If he is coming around, tell him then and let him be included in finding a new place.

I'd just state the facts regarding the cottage... you are human and allowed to make mistakes. This is a perfect opportunity to celebrate the fact that you are no longer the old Lil Sis who needed everything to be perfect. You can go with the flow, roll with the punches. Your WH may even find you more relatable knowing that you forgot to reserve the cottage, it shows that you are human and not superwoman...you can book another location and be okay with it...and it may turn out to be more fun at a new place where you can make new memories..

My reasons for suggesting you wait -- is that if you asked him right now, he would very likely tell you to do what you want and not include him.

Because he is in the middle of a LOT of RT pressure about moving along the divorce.

So you'll get the party line of "do whatever you want..."

And that will hurt you.

So I say wait, because if you reveal this when he wants to participate in family stuff this can be a new bonding/healing for all of you -- choosing a new place.

LS:

Lexxy has a valid point. When and if the issue comes up, It can be addressed then. And the circumstances that exist at that time will lead the discussion. Plan A, Plan B, Plan D or recovery...

LG

Lexxy's reply makes more sense than mine.... mine is kind of wishful thinking... hers is reality based. I think I would follow that.

I agree with Lexxy on this one. I also think that the old place would be a major trigger for you on down the road. New place. New memories.

I agree with Lex...

Let him stay where he is now in this process without going off on some tangent...about a mistake that you made...I'm surprised it has not been worse for you...I forgot lots of important stuff..my whole world was crumbling down...and I also am a perfectionist...still am...I admit it...

The WS mind...looking for anything to justify continuation of his A..even irrelevant things..to try to use to HURT you...

Remember, IMO, this is not your H..NOT a normal, rational person capable of UNDERSTANDING...

That being said...I continue today to encourage you to look for an OPPORTUNITY to OFFER a PRIVATE MEETING TIME with him..."for old times sake..just to talk..no commitment..just for FUN..why not?..we've always been such good friends"...

You will know in your GUT when to do this, Sis..but I'm encouraging you to be on the LOOKOUT for the OPPORTUNITY..

I so AGREE with you given his need for ADMIRATION and RESPECT that he wants to "THINK" that he is IN CHARGE of any moves towards you..although you are actually doing well in your practice of the ART OF SEDUCTION..which is not necessarily OVERTLY SEXUAL, BTW.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your H is in need of a SANCTUARY..he has no place to call HOME anymore..this is what YOU CAN OFFER HIM...A SAFE PLACE...Pep's talk of symbolism regarding the BURNING HOUSE got me to thinking about this..maybe he was dealing with this/recognizing this in his unconscious...

Okay. I'll keep the whole cottage thing under my hat for the time being. I don't feel great about it...maybe it's just that ORDINARILY that would be something that I would go RIGHT to my H about. It feels dishonest in a way not to tell him. But as mimi says...he's not my H, and from WH's perspective, who cares?

To throw this in the mix would muddy the waters at a critical time in my Plan A...is what I hear you all saying.

I texted him this morning about the rat babies...and a little inside joke related to a past memory. RT is working today...so certainly he's getting high. I don't expect to hear from him today, and if he does call, it will be all WH, cold and distant.

Tomorrow should be a rose day, but it's so cold...can't really leave them on the back porch...any ideas?

I'll be on the LOOKOUT for my moment to ask about a casual private meeting. Part of the point of this is to just "make the ask," correct? Not necessarily about getting a "yes"....?? (that would be a bonus)

EXACTLY!!

Dear LilSis,

I go away for a mere two weeks and your thread grows 65 pages!

I tried to catch up but I can't. Something about paying the rent and finishing my Master's degree, not to mention eating and exercising....

I wanted to reassure you about hearing voices. It's common in prayer. A perfectly clear statement or question will just pop into your mind. God can hardly communicate with you by hiring a skyplane, can He?

LilSis,

Can't help much with the relationship advice, as you know where I am right now myself.

But, if you are looking for a suggestion about the rose, why not still do a rose? Just get a silk, paper, or even a glass one? They would survive the COLD, just as your love is surviving the COLD in this situation! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep up the great work!

LilSis:

I have been up all night waiting for an Update! (foot tapping.....)

Ok, not really, I'm actually still at work....

But, I hope the day went well!

LG