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Thanks, everyone. I just went and got my mail and I got the thing he must have gotten when he called me. It lists an "arrearage" to boot...so it's really a slap. Plus, the Judge assigned is one that WH campaigned for...and knows WH by name.
Nope...not calling my attorney. It is not my problem. Let him come to me.
I'm just taking a break/backing off for now. He KNOWS he beat me down today, and he KNOWS it was a low blow. No TMS...no nothing. Let him stew in his own misery for a while.
I'm going to take a bubble bath.
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do not call your attorney about FOC
just Plan A
your H is way more miserable than you are !!!
why?
you ADMIRE yourself a lot more than you did a month ago
H admires himself a LOT LESS than he did a month ago
the affair drug has a bad taste ... he's spitting and sputtering ... GOOD!
you stood up for your right to remain married .... which is part of PLAN A
listen to me ~~~> you did not love bust ... this conflict was PRODUCTIVE
he called you back to apologize ...
he's tired of the mud ...
Pep Ditto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the easiest route to get out of this mess in his eyes is for you to just leave him alone and go on with your life. I'm still fighting the memories of what my WH said to me opposed to what my FWH is saying now. I urge you again to read through some of my old posts, I can't remember if I told you this already but my FWH is also a cop. There are alot of similarities between AmI's H, your H and my H. I wanted to say this earlier when I was telling how I had LB'd a couple of times during plan A, and again I don't advocate LBing, but those times always seemed to have some positive results in the end. They seemed to move us along a bit. And my FWH ALWAYS called me back to apologize or make sure I was OK. So that is GREAT that he called you back. Tighten your seat belt b/c the twists and turns are coming.
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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I'm just taking a break/backing off for now. He KNOWS he beat me down today, and he KNOWS it was a low blow. No TMS...no nothing. Let him stew in his own misery for a while.
I'm going to take a bubble bath. I think this is exactly what you need to do, bubble bath and all. I hope you have a great weekend despite everything. I never get to visit MB much during the weekends, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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Sorry...I know I'm going to babble a lot tonight as things come to me...so just bear with me.
I was thinking as I was sitting in the carpool line at school...this is the rollercoaster that Daze was just telling me was speeding up...
I love you all. I hope that doesn't offend...or that you think it's cheesy that I say that when I've never met any of you. But you all know me better than 90% of the people in my life right now, and you are still hanging in here with me, even through this icky stuff. Is that normal? normal? i have no idea what normal is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> It doesn't matter......YOU have helped as many peopl here as have helped you. Everybody loves you too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I am feeling a little emotional right now.
Last edited by nia17; 02/09/07 06:36 PM.
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I just went and got my mail and I got the thing he must have gotten when he called me. It lists an "arrearage" to boot...so it's really a slap. first the TURD got her face slapped now it is WH's turn for a SLAP G O O DPep
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put the note on the fridge
next to the check
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Thanks, everyone. I just went and got my mail and I got the thing he must have gotten when he called me. It lists an "arrearage" to boot...so it's really a slap. Plus, the Judge assigned is one that WH campaigned for...and knows WH by name.
Nope...not calling my attorney. It is not my problem. Let him come to me.
I'm just taking a break/backing off for now. He KNOWS he beat me down today, and he KNOWS it was a low blow. No TMS...no nothing. Let him stew in his own misery for a while.
I'm going to take a bubble bath. you go girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> crazy day for you. as i read all the posts, i see most of us are in agreement about this being good in some way....a turning point.
Last edited by nia17; 02/09/07 06:39 PM.
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Nope...not calling my attorney. It is not my problem. Let him come to me.
I'm just taking a break/backing off for now. He KNOWS he beat me down today, and he KNOWS it was a low blow. No TMS...no nothing. Let him stew in his own misery for a while.
I'm going to take a bubble bath. Perfect! Consequences suck. So does a guilty conscience. He wouldn't give a frig about "looking" like a shmo if he DIDN'T believe he was one! I'm telling you...he's like a cat w/ a tin can tied to his tail. He's not going to be able to escape that can. (His guilt) I KNOW how that guilt feels! The A can't get him high enough anymore. Between your Most excellent Plan A and his conscience coupled w/ the natural fallout from his choices, he's not going to be able to continue this A much longer. You did EVERYTHING right! Thank goodness you told him you trusted him to do the right thing...that you had no intention of learning about FOC...that you didn't want THAT blood money! If you hadn't made those choices he'd be telling RT what a money grubbing, angry woman you've turned into....and how glad he was that he has HER. It's only a matter of time before he ends this A. Tick tock Tick tock Enjoy your bath. ~ Marsh
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Funny. I wonder if WH checked email today, because if he hasn't, he'll get the email I sent LATE last night when he gets back to ILs after work.
A telling snippit from that email about DS11:
You know how he does that...kind of comes across as Irritating Pre-adolescent Boy...but give him a little time and he comes back apologizing and looking for some kind of reassurance.
I later commented on how they were so much alike...
How prophetic.
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Lilsis,
No way should you back down from the FOC process, this is the stick of plan A, if you back down your making the process easy for him.
Remember there are several ways of serving an individual, the sherrif, certified mail, processor, and PUBLICATION. I woul tell your attorney that you want all formal announcements that require serving your WH to be via publication.
Oh if he hates the FOC how will he feel in the coffee house everyone reading the paper and we all know people like reading the dirt on peopl in the public notification section.
I wish I had the chance you have, even if you don't recovery your marriage oh my you have grown so much.
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I'd like to respectfully disagree, vr. With a man such as LilSis's H, that kind of LB would be so destructive it isn't even funny. He'd detest her for that.
Just my opinion, of course.
Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ~Benjamin Franklin~
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Yep. I agree with RS...I am still in Plan A and it would be a major LB. I understand your point, but I'm looking at the big picture of tanking the A...besides, I think it's moot. The order is for $X. So $X is what it will be...the question is how is that paid...between us or through FOC. ???
It MAY be that once an order is entered, it HAS to go thru FOC. What do I know? I'm not an attorney. But WH has an attorney (who signed the order that was entered) so you'd think that his attorney would have kept WH apraised of what was happening and what the possible fallout would be. But apparently it is MY FAULT that his attorney didn't explain all the inconvenient and unpleasant details of getting a divorce.
Whatever....let him come to me. Today he was acting as if I went down to FOC myself and asked them to go after WH with guns blazing. When I confronted him on that, he said if he found out he was wrong, he would sincerely apologize. YES. I'd keel over if he came to me with an apology.
As I was sitting in the sloooow drive thru line at Taco Bell (my favorite self indulgent fast food = Nachos Bell Grande...I know GROSS...like 10,000 calories and 100 fat grams) it occurred to me that WH made a HUMOUNGOUS love bank withdrawal today. He was so awful and mean. I was THIS CLOSE to going to plan FU. If I hadn't been busy totally baring my soul and crying, I probably would have.
And I unloaded EVERYTHING: that I intend to keep my promise; that I wish he would respect what I had to do; that I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I did EVERYTHING I could to keep my promise; that he doesn't need to worry about "hurting me more" because I can take care of myself; that I'm stronger now as a result of going to jail...that I scraped myself up off of the floor of the holding cell (this is no joke, that's where I eventually laid down after 24 hours) and have emerged stronger and more whole than before; that me showing him love unselfishly does not take away from who I am...it adds to who I am.
Of course NOTHING sunk in...as a matter of fact I think he was eating while I was talking. But I got it off my chest, he didn't hang up on me, and it was my TRUTH. If he takes any of it as an LB, so be it.
I hope he DOES call his folks tonight...too bad they are going out for a while.
BTW: he did say that the reason he wanted me to "leave him alone" is because he didn't "want to be responsible for hurting me any more."
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BTW: he did say that the reason he wanted me to "leave him alone" is because he didn't "want to be responsible for hurting me any more." tough [censored] bubba bwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa he wants you to leave him alone ~~~> and hunny, Plan B will give him just this very thing ... and I guarantee ... he will not like it .... who is he gonna talk to about the house burning down? waywards are so funny <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
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Sis: What you are saying is most definitely SINKING IN... That's why he wants you to leave him alone.. I was thinking that's perfect for your PLAN B LETTER... "I'm granting you your request. I'M LEAVING YOU ALONE...." There's certain phrases that I repeated over and over again and then included in my PLAN B LETTER..."I don't want you until you want me..you can love me again..I deserve a second chance..coming home is the RIGHT thing to do"... My H was able to repeat those words back to me... I THOUGHT IT WASN'T SINKING IN .. he would sit there looking cold and mean as I talked... BTW: he did say that the reason he wanted me to "leave him alone" is because he didn't "want to be responsible for hurting me any more." He is straight up telling you that he wants to be relieved of the GUILT and SHAME that he is beginning to feel...he feels SMELLY and DIRTY like a RAT... The A used to FEEL so WONDERFUL, EXCITING and PERFECT. He's lost that and wants to get it back somehow...THE THRILL IS GONE... If you were having NO EFFECT on him, what you do wouldn't matter...he WOULDN'T CARE if you were hurt or not...APATHY IS WORSE..
Last edited by mimi1254; 02/09/07 09:16 PM.
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I think that you very much did the right thing in telling him to call his attorney...stick to your guns on that one...He wants this divorce, then HE must do all the "heavy lifting"...NOT your problem...In fact, I think that you should tell him that his attorney will have to contact yours, as you do not do divorce, your attorney does, you only do marriage...Do not allow him to engage you in conversations that have to do with divorce...Always stick to your mantra...
You did just fine! (((SIS))) I agree with MrsWondering on this one, Sis Let him do the heavy work, let him BE the heavy. This is his mess now, not yours. You are doing great! We love you too!
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Sis, I've been thinking about your sitch. I'm thinking that the FOC was like an automatic deal UNLESS there is a specific agreement/order presented to the judge to bypass it. I know in Texas, the Court assumes that the child support will go through the state. If that's not the case with RT, it's probably b/c her ex is an attorney and knew the ropes. Sometimes these cases take on a life of their own unless they're controlled by the attorneys/parties.
I'm thinking RT probably egged him on:
RT: "That's not supposed to happen! It didn't in MY case. I'll just bet cha Lis Sis caused this. You know how she is."
(But WE know and WH definitely knows how Lis Sis really is now!)
Regardless... I think this was a GREAT wake-up call for WH. It makes it a REALITY in his fogged-up world that he can't ignore.
I agree with everyone else though, let him deal with it. You don't do anything to progress the divorce.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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To make sure that check is not a LB (and I don't think it is, anyway), you can always give him a receipt for the money to show that he paid it. Why do most WS's think you're going to screw them over? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You are just coming along so well. Your seeds are really sprouting, but don't dig up the radishes to see if they're starting to bulge. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> My mom did that with carrots when she was little. It didn't work so well. Every day she dug them all up to see how they were doing.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Morning. somethings been bugging me....and it feels familiar. your WH accused YOU of not living up to your vows....which led to HIS affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> has he ever mentioned THAT before? has he been specific about which vows you didn't live up to? my H tried to use that one on me too....tried to make his indescretions...MY fault....BUT...did he EVER tell me what what expectations he had that i wasn't living up to??....give me a chance...give me a choice?? did your H ??? next time he tries to deflect....mention that to him. he never gave you a chance to make it better. you DESERVE that chance. just needed to ge tthat off my chest.
Last edited by nia17; 02/10/07 07:51 AM.
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Sis, I've been thinking about your sitch. I'm thinking that the FOC was like an automatic deal UNLESS there is a specific agreement/order presented to the judge to bypass it. I know in Texas, the Court assumes that the child support will go through the state. If that's not the case with RT, it's probably b/c her ex is an attorney and knew the ropes. Sometimes these cases take on a life of their own unless they're controlled by the attorneys/parties.
I'm thinking RT probably egged him on:
RT: "That's not supposed to happen! It didn't in MY case. I'll just bet cha Lis Sis caused this. You know how she is."
(But WE know and WH definitely knows how Lis Sis really is now!)
Regardless... I think this was a GREAT wake-up call for WH. It makes it a REALITY in his fogged-up world that he can't ignore. I'M CERTAIN THIS IS 100% CORRECT. And I CAN'T WAIT until WH talks to his attorney and discovers this is true. He will feel like a heel...even in his entitled brain he'll KNOW he blasted me unfairly. DITTO ON THIS POINT: RT's XH is an attorney so he knew how to bypass the system with no problem. Both RT and her XH were amenable to the D, so why not make it all nice and pretty. I can just SMELL the TURDS in everything WH said to me yesterday...in all the anger he spewed. Very, very stinky. Pee-yew. Just an observation..... At work we do a lot with measuring outcomes...a phrase that I love is the CAUSAL CHAIN. Not casual...as in, "Applebee's is a casual family dining establishment"..."causal" as in CAUSE. It has to do with logic...A leads to B leads to C leads to D..etc. When measuring outcomes in the realm of SOCIAL ISSUES it is important not to go too far down the causal chain when attributing a particular outcome to a particular activity, NOR can you attribute outcomes to activities without awareness/understanding of the initial problem (which would be link A). When addressing broad socieital problems...infant mortality, let's say...so many factors come into play that the links can be ambiguous, thus the necessity of measuring data to ascertain the efficacy of activity B on outcome D. (Sorry...this stuff fascinates me) In THIS case, the links in the causal chain are not at all ambiguous and WH has skipped about six links in his causal chain. WH has an affair and files for D = link A I give the D papers to my attorney = link B Based upon our 1040 from last year, the numbers are plugged into a STATE-MANDATED set of guidelines and out pops the support number = link C My attorney files the proper and expected paperwork to establish this LEGALLY ENFORCEABLE support = link D The support order is signed by both attorneys and goes to the court = link E Once signed off on by the court, the order goes to the state agency responsible for enforcing the order (FOC) = link F What?!?!? Why am I getting slapped by FOC, LilSis!! This is ALL YOUR FAULT!!! Ahhh...we finally come to link G. WH is a few links short of a full chain. I guess those first few links got lost in the fog. Or maybe HIS causal chain goes WAAAY back...oh, yes!! It is MY fault because in 9th grade I became lifelong friends with a girl who ended up marrying a guy that he went to the police academy with and thus introduced us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> That MUST be it. Darn you LilSis!!! It's all YOUR FAULT that I'm getting slapped by FOC because you just HAD TO become friends with the girl whose gym locker was next to yours!! Clearly I have waaay too much time on my hands this morning.
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