MEDC - couldn't have said it better myself.

Sometimes EN's are unmet. Sometimes it is as Noodle says. But the WS is always the one who chose.

Two things:
I was only HALF joking with this one. My mom has a saying--and it's not PC I know--too many chiefs and not enough Indians. I'm one Indian here and I have a bunch of chiefs.

This is wonderful, both in terms of the ideas and thoughts that are elicited, but in terms of how it makes me FEEL...cared about...AND sometimes it's overwhelming, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Especially when it becomes a philosophical debate...which is why (I think) mimi always says, "BACK TO SIS' PLAN A"

And for discussion...
I love this. Being there. Being a friend. Showing compassion and understanding and love. That I can do...I saw this in my best friend's FWH, so I have an idea about what it will sound like. It won't come at me from left field.

So. I understand NOT CHALLENGING. Making it a safe place. Your descripton is so helpful. BUT....I have a question.

The other day when WH called, he REAMED me. He accused me of doing something that I didn't do. He was YELLING and saying that I filed a motion, yada, yada, yada.

Initially in that conversation, I yelled back. "YOU were the one who filed for divorce! This is just how it works!"

Later in the conversation, I was much more conciliatory, peaceful and calm. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I've not been perfect." I did some challenging...which I see NOW...but didn't know about then...I won't make that mistake again.

I need take the babbly stuff and learn from it ("you failed to live up to your vows") THAT's what I need to LISTEN for. I will be able to take the "woe is me" withdrawal stuff, that's being a compassional and loving individual...not judging.

But what about my example with the accusations and the yelling about this motion that was filed for support? I can see that perhaps I should have responded more calmly (I screamed at him "YOU filed for D!!"). Not cool.

Mrs. W, what would be your recommendation for an appropriate response to that kind of attack? (it did feel like an attack) Because this wasn't him revealing anything about himself...this was him reacting to the consequences of his actions and blaming me for them. Does this require (or allow) a different kind of response from me?

This is an important distinction for me, so I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

Personally, I don't think you should worry much about it. You were being attacked and you were innocent. Very understandable even to a high FWS. He called you back to apologize, remember. And he did that because the response was so uncharacteristic of LilSis. Your indignation was convincing proof he misjudged you.


My father rarely ever raises his voice. When he does it's like thunder, so much more potent because it's so very rare. Happened once at a family celebration, you could hear a pin drop. He then quietly said his piece. Very effective.

Morning LS.
just spent an hour catching up on yesterdays posts. wow.
i can tell that you GET IT...you are the very clear about the situation and i don't doubt you will continue your plan A and do it well.
personally, i think it's important to vent here.... the affair did not happen becuse of anyhting YOU did or didn't do....i agree w/ noodle 100% on that one!
you know that in your heart and plan Aing isn't saying you accept responsiblity for WH's bad cholices.

that was the part i struggled with....it made me crazy...i felt i needed to accept responsibility for my H's bad choice and it just screwed me up....i kept thinking... IF i had done ______ this would never have happened!
and then i'd get angry....i was so inconsistent.....gave my H more opportunity to have his cake and eat it too.

YOU obviously understand the bigger picture.....you know the importance of plan A and listening to H while he is still in this fog.....you know what and (why) you have to grin and bare......and that it does NOT mean you accept responsibility for the affair.

I love the fact that he emailed you the cat joke.....think about it......he IS thinking abut you....missisng you and your sense of humor etc.

keeping my fingers crossed for another productive week in LS's world.

LilSis:

There are two camps here on your thread. Two camps that will come together when you get to Recovery, but are distracting at the moment.

There is no debate that your H is WW and it was his choice to do so.

The state of your M was what it was. Everything your H seemed to be prior to his decision to have an A, just got blown away. I know what he is capable of, Because I have been there.

That why that camp needs to be explored, but later, as recovery is coming. But this camp has to control, to get to recovery.

Right now. Your Husband is blaming you for everything.

And just like Mimi said about her husband regreting the pain he caused weekly, if not daily, or Mrs Wondering's description of her withdrawal process, i.e., the blaming, the screaming, talking about the OM, etc., with her H. That is what happens in RECOVERY.

YOU are still in PLAN A.

I BELIEVE that your Husband will come home. And soon. So you can begin RECOVERY.

But he made a choice to have an Affair. And he might make a choice to continue it. And one day retire to Florida with RT.

That is his choice.

Your choice is to fight for your H, Your Family and your Marriage.

When you are laying down on the mat, broken, beaten, and bloody. And your WH, standing over you says, "See it is YOUR fault"

You will know what kind of man he really is.

And when you stumble back to your corner of the ring, YOUR MB trainers will be there to help you for this result, as well.

But, right now? Your MB trainers are trying to help you to roll with the punches that are coming, when to Jab, when to Budy Punch and when to lean WAYYY BAACCK on the ropes so the punches thrown do not hurt. You have already gone many rounds in this fight. And we really do not know how many rounds you have left.

The beginning rounds? You didn't even know you were in the fight. Your WH was sneaking around and hitting you without your knowledge.

The middle started after dday, and he started hitting you with haymakers and roundhouse punches that literally left you on the mat.

Then as the ref called out 7...., 8...., 9...., you climbed up the ropes, heard the bell and went back to your corner.

And decided you needed a better trainer.

And came here.

And now look who's on the ropes. Trying desperatly to land something, but it no longer seems to work.

And your really not punching back very hard. But the TRUTHS really hurt.

And who is his trainer? RT.

HE doesn't stand a chance.

I've processed this a lot and read and read and read. I know where I stand on this--which camp I'm in--and I've stated it here and other the other thread.

I'm going to be who I am and do what I need to do to recover my M....I've made MY peace with how *I* want to go about it. The philosophical debates have been moved to the other thread for everyone else to debate, so I can get back to my next steps.

So here's the status report...

I'm doing well emotionally and spiritually. I vent when I need to vent...and in the appropriate place (here). I am open and honest with WH, I have spoken my truth. I'm ready to LISTEN AND LEARN when he speaks, and to respond with changes in behavior as a result. I'm continuing to show love and capacity for forgiveness. I'm being the lighthouse...the rock...steady, safe. HOME.

So....I'm Plan Aing.

What's next? I'm hearing nudge. I'm hearing back off. I'm hearing food/no food. I'm hearing no R talk. Again...lots of coaches here...but can we come to some sort of consensus about what is NEXT in MY Plan A???

TMs?
Funny emails? (I have a good one I could send)
Some granola?
Ask about the water heater?

Let's get specific. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bring on the ideas, let's discuss and come to consensus...okay team?

LS:


Back off on R talk unless he starts it.
Nudge your way into his life as often as possible.
Deliver the granola.
LISTEN TO HIM when he calls.
Protect your boundaries/state yor TRUTHS/Mantras if you need too.
Water Heater/Tires---> GOOD

Send him a TM/Email about something bad that happens to toy dogs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

No Wait, that's not right.

Send it to us! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And the next 3 days will be a minefield! Roses Number seven? Valentines Day?

Keep doing the little things that you have ben doing. Maybe move up a notch. It seems to be working, so continue.

Your doing great. There is never one right answer.

LG

I agree with LG....

Sis,

a few posts back you referenced feeling like a masochist.....have to tell you this joke




Q: You know what the sadist did to the masochist?





A: Nothing.




One of my favorites.......



BTW - I agree with LG too. And tires, that puts you in a tire shop. The water heater puts you at HOME, alone, together.

P.S.

Turd-land HATES at-home, alone, together.....

Everything LG said!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And again, when we are all coming at you with different opinions, the one thing you can do is follow your heart.

Send a cute picture text. Maybe the boys together. Or you and one/both of the boys. Something funny, lighthearted.

Definately no R talk

A cute joke back through email.

Drop the granola off just like you do the roses.

Send a quick text saying, Just thinkin bout you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

stick with da'plan

text funny or favorite movie quotes

buy his favorite sports team shirt (a BIG ONE) and take your pix wearing it ... then give him the shirt with the pix

You know what I think? Well, you're going to find out anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't just follow one trail.

Vary your attacks to where there is not one specific thing he can complain about.

I would advise backing off the food for a short time, no more than a week, then just start throwing it in there at odd intervals.

Just keep him so off-balance he doesn't know what to complain about.

The roses are a different story. That is the one constant. And he doesn't like it, except part of him kinda does but he won't admit it, and besides he almost a little gave you permission by not complaining too much when you said it was something you had to do. WS's are nothing if not contrary. They might complain if you do it, but they will miss it like everything if you stop. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

In a nutshell, be unpredictable.

Send him a text message that says, "A space ship has landed and they say they are abducting all the SEXY people. I just wanted to say Goodbye!!!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

LOVE that one meggy!

Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Latest in the installment:
I spent about 15-20 minutes with WH today when I stopped by to pick up the boys. I had a meeting, so he picked them up after school.

I came to the back door; he was standing in the kitchen so I stepped in and asked if he would like me to take the kids (it was about 5:15). He said sure. He was making himself a cup of green tea (antioxidants) and I mentioned that the granola was great...I'd have to get him some. Nahhh, he says. No, really, I said. It's excellent, has walnuts and pistachos and dried blueberries, and it has no oil. it's going to be my new standard breakfast.

Really? he says. Okay.

I came into the kitchen and asked to see the baby rats. WH brought the cage in and I got a chance to see the babies. I asked to hold Georgia...she climbed all over me while WH and I chatted. The boys were running around. We just talked about Georgia and her babies, some new protein drink he's drinking (he made me a glass to try), how I needed an oil change, etc. Very low key and conversational. No R talk.

He was adamant that I needed to get the oil changed...he had a coupon on the fridge and gave it to me. I noticed he looked tan, and asked if he was going tanning...he said yes (THAT'S weird!) in order to combat "seasonal affective disorder." Hmmmm.... I noticed that his zipper was down on his jeans (I remember those jeans, the zipper IS slippery), so I said XYZPDQ and he laughed and fixed them. I said, "Oh, I thought maybe you were trying to send me a message." (eyebrow wiggle) He laughed.

We made plans for tomorrow night when I have another meeting...I'll drop the kids off there. The boys and I left, and headed right to the oil change place. When we got home I called WH to report that I had done my duty.

He was happy to hear that I had done that, I could tell. He asked about the other fluids, tire pressure, etc. He asked about some vibration I had felt in the wheel the other day...turns out it was caused by the chunky stuff that accumulates in the wheel well. I apologized for coming over and asking about picking up the boys...I never asked if he had plans to take them to dinner or something...because now that we were home I realized I have nothing to feed them! (I was half hoping he'd say let's all go out). Anyway, he was quite cheerful and he let the conversation go on longer than it needed to. (I also told him that I thought his tan looked nice).

My sister called a bit ago, too....she was excited about the idea of taking the boys during my weekend in Chicago. She's going to come here and get the boys on that Friday, and I'll go get them on Sunday after we return. (She lives an hour away)

So, I get to be a bit of a heroine...got that weekend thing worked out for him so he can go to Phoenix and get an earful from him mom...

Good stuff.



LOL



Riiiiiiight, that's why he's been depressed...it's a seasonal thing....doesn't have a thing to do w/ the fact that he's feeling guilty about committing adultery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh


InADaze: Thanks for the shopping tips.