I agree with LG's theory....unfortunately, he was probably in the van and sneaking to talk with you on his cell...that's what my H used to do...and why wouldn't he be staying with her?..I know..but it's the truth...

I give you an A in PLAN A....

It's a ROLLERCOASTER once you get on..with it's UPs and DOWNS..that's the nature of this..

I think basically it is ALL GOOD..you got some PLAN FU in there to gain his respect and that IS NECESSARY...

You felt BETRAYED and ABANDONED again..It must have felt like he sold one of your children off to the devil in order to be with her..I don't blame you a bit..I would have been MAD, too..

Do you want to know what I think would have happened if you had handled this PERFECTLY....

Oh Cripes, Mimi! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

..(baited breath)..

I don't know...DO I want to know? Miss Perfect 2x4s herself with anything less than an A+.



yeah, mimi. lay it on me. I will resist the temptation to pick up the 2x4


Anyhoo...my thing about in the van/not in the van. (I know, specualation...blah blah) She was ON THE PHONE. She wouldn't have been on the phone if he were in the car....Know what I mean?

Also...when I called with the head's up, if he was with her, why pick up? Why not just let it go to VM? this argument is weak, admittedly.

Also, I could see the stupid van from half a block away. Don't you think that if WH were in the car...and knowing that I was dropping by...don't you think he would have told her to go the other way, at least not look directly at me, SOMETHING?

The Vibe was parked very conspicuously right in front of the ILs house, visible from before the van even rounded the corner. And WH has this THING about not wanting to hurt me...I do not think he would intentionally put me in a position to see the two of them together if he could avoid it. Remember how I saw them that night at a traffic light? They DISAPPEARED...I rounded the block to catch them and they had vanished....attempting to avoid me.

(Can you just see me grasping at some straws here to get WH out of that stupid van??) But I REALLY don't think he was...

And why does it matter? I guess either way...her seeing me there was a slap (FINALLY!! and I hope it hurt worse than the first one). Again...I am welcome there. She is not. Never will be.

OH OH OH....another piece of intel from MIL last night that I forgot to share.

She spoke to WH a few days ago before handing the phone off to FIL. WH said something to her about how he "resented his dad for making such a point about RT not coming on the premises." (This was just before FIL left for AZ)

MIL wanted to differentiate between him being resentful over not being ALLOWED to have her in the house vs. being resentful that he was told so EXPLICTLY and PATRONIZINGLY that she was not allowed. So she questioned him..."You mean because you would NEVER ALLOW it, RIIIIIIGHT?"

"Of course!" WH say, very emphatically to hear MIL recount it.

And--hey!--HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYONE! XOXOXO

He could've either left to avoid you at the house or he could've already been out with the dog or at B's house. You know he wasn't with RT and something made her suspicious. I would doubt if he spoke with her until after Sam's, because he was still being so sweet. He was cold when you called him about the mud flap, so she probably gave him an earful then and that's what got him acting up and put him a crappy mood.

I would think that the fact that you can come and go where WH lives and she CAN'T is a big issue for her and really pisses her off! So, that is going to be a big problem between them. But it appears that he's getting more and more comfortable spending time with you and having you around. So, he's certainly not caving to her on this one.

You're doing great. Maybe time to call SH to get a feel for how he thinks it's going? Besides giving you some new ideas for how to proceed, it might help your confidence when he gives his opinion of how far you've come.

Lilsis, You handled yesterdays storm very well.... better than could be expected. BTW... happy B-day in case I am not here tomorrow.
One thing about the IL's house. I know your H has been told that RT is not to set foot in their home... but isn't this sort of like telling a fox not to steal chickens. I mean if he has been willing to betray YOU... the person he is most accountable to...willing to harm his children, I don't think he would hestitate for a minute having RT in there for his fix. I mean why not...he has been willing to do far worse. As much as it hurts, I would just stay focused on what YOU want to do right now and not worry about him. The dog....yes, that is hurtful....and I would have blown up. But in the whole scheme of things... where does it really fall in significance???
You continue to work your plan. Remember that your plan B was to be starting right about now... so you are obviously a strong woman to be able to hang in there.
I know today is a tough day for you... but hang in there and follow YOUR heart.
MEDC

Ok..it's an interesting game and all...but it IS getting a little "It was Professor Plum! With the candlestick! In the observatory!"...be watchfull for obsessive drives to examine details at a molecular level.

The holy grail was not in that van whether WH was or not...ok?

Gotta go do some work...

LOL..I agree with Noodle on this...

Sorry, you guys.

It's important to accept the REALITY of the WH..

Sis, you said that you wanted this.

I found it necessary as I told you before.

It doesn't mean that Recovery is not possible.

It opens your eyes to the REAL FIGHT.

My H would leave the hotel room to go outside to his car to call me on the cell.

He would call me in her house while she was in the shower or whatever....

THIS IS THE NATURE OF A CAKE-EATER...

I'm saying that Sis' H has become a cake-eater, CONFLICTED rather than ALL OVER THERE with HER..I guess that's a GOOD thing.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

LG knows these things..he speaks the voice of the WH...

Cake eating is exactly what we want him to do...

Thats the set up for maximum impact of Plan B.

LilSis:

As awful as being on the street and having to deal with WH is, I truly enjoy the way you can relate the story to us.

Even just doing the timeline.

This one:



and this:



But WH was not in the VAN driving by the house. He was with the dog elsewhere waiting to get picked up. That's why she was on the phone.

And after all this, it doesn't matter what the real details are. Because it could have been Professer Plum or Colonel Mustard with whatever, it really doesn't matter.

This was minor skirmish in the greater battle.

And at the end you still have the high ground and your shots, when taken, are hitting the targets.

Remember that.

And then, you talk to MIL and WH talks about the restriction on RT in IL House.

Could he be breaking this rule? No. Your flowers and other gifts are there, and if RT was ever there, they would be gone. Destroyed by RT if she saw them or cleaned up by WH. Nice little intel you have with that.

And I have been recommending that you "drop by" the IL's house when you think he is home... Look what happens when you do.

Beacuse this was a good result. Your heart was stomped a little bit, OK, A LOT! But he didn't win...

I said this myself...so, hey, let me process it and move on. I'm perfectly willing to accept the reality of WH...it is in my face every day simply due to the fact that he's not WITH ME and the boys. In the van, not in the van…it doesn’t REALLY matter. I know WH best, and I just have this feeling that he was NOT in the van.

WHs are what WHs are…capable of inflicting the most intense pain…but they are all individuals, too. There are just some things I can sense, some things I feel about MY WH. It’s not denial…it’s not rose colored glasses…it’s knowing who he is and how he reacts and …oh…I don’t know…I just KNOW him. I can TELL when he’s BSing me. I USED to believe his BS, even though my gut told me otherwise. NOW I trust my intuition.

Just IMHO…feel free to disagree. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway…Plan A. Even though it’s V-day, I’m holding off for today. For myself as much as anything. I just need to breathe for a day. WH was never big into Valentine’s Day, anyway…let he and RT get their respective fixes…I don’t want to deal with it. Tomorrow’s my birthday, I’ll do something for him then. Let him receive a gift FROM me on MY birthday.

I’m quite certain that he didn’t do anything with the boys in terms of acknowledging my birthday, either. My neighbor, on the other hand, has been reminding me for weeks that she expects to take the boys out this afternoon to “run errands with her.”

Ok. I need to tell you this, Sis..because you are close to the PLAN A FINISH LINE...and as others have said you want to GO DARK after SHINING A BRIGHT LIGHT....

Here is your goof:



No more of this. OK? NO MORE POINTING OUT HIS INCOMPETENCE, INADEQUACIES OR DEFICIENCIES THAT YOU WILL FIX. He feels awful about his inadequacies and doesn't handle them being pointed out to him..thus, the psychotherapy and the SAD..and the TANNING..and turning to RT for her PHONY ADMIRATION DRUG. Do not let such words come out of your mouth from this point forward. I know a big 2X4 from me....but remember this is not the SIS that we want him to see. Really, it's not the BEST WIFE for any of us to be...BEEN THERE DONE THAT. I know some here say that he should be a BIG BOY, etc. and to be able to TAKE THIS...but I'm sticking myself out here to say that MOST MEN don't handle this well..."You can't live up to YOUR RESPONSIBILITY so I have to BE THE MAN and take care of THINGS"...is what HE is hearing. THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF EMASCULATION. This is what he is hearing.

So only LIGHT CONVERSATION and stay away from the CRITICISM. CALL HIM TO LISTEN..LISTEN..LISTEN...about his day..about his HEROIC POLICEMAN ACTIVITIES or whatever..is it DANGEROUS being a POLICEMAN?..That seems to be DARING and ADMIRABLE to me...

Agree with Mimi.

It really is time to call the Harley's again and let them take a reading of what is going on and how close to Plan B you are.

No, that doesn’t feel like a 2x4! I would not have seen it that way and am VERY open to hearing your perspective. I didn’t feel like I was belittling him—just didn’t think of it that way--so I appreciate you pointing out how this might have been perceived by him. I was trying to make my case…but see the other side, now…

More later…another meeting…

It seems like he is TRYING to SHOW YOU that HE IS THE MAN and can take care of things/you, calling you from Sam's, etc. This seems to me to be a BIG ISSUE for him and, if handled well, is a large part of him finding his WAY BACK HOME..doing the RIGHT THING... being there TO BE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE..TO TAKE CARE OF HIS FAMILY...TO BRING IN THE FOOD..like the caveman days...He is DRAWN to YOUR NEW SENSING OF THIS NEED..seems like he has wanted this from you and has pulled him UP ON THE FENCE more than anything else that you have done in your PLAN A...

So don't take this from me as meaning that you haven't done WELL..I'm encouraging you to KEEP GOING FORWARD with this...I'm sure you can EASILY REBOUND..TODAY IS ANOTHER DAY...

RT doesn't know about the MB Principles and is definitely beginning to LB...

She wants to come into the ILs house..she wants to go on the trip with him or talk him out of going...she wishes that you and the boys could just go away...

Lilsis;

I think that your feelings had less to do with your interactions with WH -- and more to do with the triggers you experienced.

#1 your feeling that RT was laughing at you. She is your rival, you saw her face to face and felt she was laughing at you. It flavored the rest of your day by speculating on whether or not he was with her. Just assume he was at some point or another and move on. Like Bramblerose said; we WANT him to be a cake-eater right now. It means he's getting needs met in both camps. When you withdraw the needs your meeting the pressure will really be on her!

#2 the dog-sitter. Your feelings about the dog-sitter are valid. But you felt a double whammy because you asked to have the dog, and instead he gave the dog to a scumbag. You allowed your feelings about this to take over and LB WH about it. Let it go.

I think yesterday you experienced 2 triggers. You need to learn to control your reactions to the triggers and not take those out on WH.

You are supposed to believe in him...trust him to do the right thing.

Suggesting that he might not be able to even take care of the dog...Ouch!

I KNOW you weren't thinking of it like this. But, he wasn't privy to all the thoughts you had about that drive by w/ RT or the triggers you felt when you heard who he left the dog w/.

All he was left w/ were your words..."but when you don't feel you are able to live up to that responsbility...."

You see?

Just keep moving forward like Mimi says.

I think it's a wise idea to pull back from him today.

~ Marsh

mimi,

this is one of the reasons i would like you to explain how you "emasculated" your H.
so much of it goes over my head.
so, thanks.

I just saw this post...and I agree 100%...Lilsis was reacting to triggers more than she was what her WH did.

That's why he asked her "What was wrong all of a sudden?"

He didn't understand.

~ Marsh

I could not agree more. Definately need a little more plan A time. But be prepared so when you know it's plan B time you can do it immediately.

I have to tell you Sis that reading your thread is so cathartic for me. It makes me relive all of those emotions and actually helps me deal with them now. And it helps me really see the dynamic that FWH and I had from an outside perspective.

And, again, it's normal to have those plan B thoughts when the WH rears his alien head, then when you've had time to process it and calm down you see that you do have the strength to continue with Plan A a little longer.

I guarantee you, you will know in your heart when it is plan B time and you won't be asking anyone else for validation. There will be no doubts in your mind. Have faith in yourself.