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Can you believe it...I DID take a bubble bath. For one thing, I was freezing, and for another thing, I just needed to relax. My hands were shaking, I couldn't stop trembling...something that hasn't happened in many months. I used to be like that ALL THE TIME.
I just feel emotionally SPENT already today, and it's barely after 10.
I agree with Mary, I didn't handle that question about "why didn't you call" better. It was my gut reaction again...falling back into old patterns when I'm at the end of my emotional rope. And if he were not a foggy wayward, he would have to agree...he LIT into me so out of proportion to the wrong regarding the stupid mud flap.
Ugh. I have to go to a meeting...and I have to be "on." Truth is I want to go take a nap. I am wiped.
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Have the flowers delivered. At work. Thank him for being your hero today.... That will get people talking!!!
I liked the "What did I do to deserve this ...." It was one of the questions that finally got to my H.
Might be something to work a little more of into the MEDC plan of action, if you go that route. And I agree that he definitely has more than a toe on the fence.
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I can't have the flowers delivered, because he's in the cruiser all day...
The icing on the cake struck me to, in retrospect. Not only related to birthday cake, but that it makes me think that he's been considering that things have been accumulating for me...his verbal assualt last week, the mud flap, the dog, VD (good one), B-day, then this....
That would be insightful for a WH.
Thank you everyone for the good words. I'll be back later.
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Have the flowers delivered. At work. Thank him for being your hero today.... That will get people talking!!!
I liked the "What did I do to deserve this ...." It was one of the questions that finally got to my H.
Might be something to work a little more of into the MEDC plan of action, if you go that route. And I agree that he definitely has more than a toe on the fence. now, there is an idea....how many roses are you up to? you could have them delivered disguised as a thank you. kill 2 birds w/ 1 stone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> does he go back to the station before he goes home? they could be there waiting for him or you can send them to IL's house tonight.
Last edited by nia17; 02/15/07 10:55 AM.
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Quote:
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LS: Could you just do it, please?
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WONDERFUL!!!
This is registering with him because he says:
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WH: I can meet you there. We can do that tomorrow when I'm off.
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He will be SNEAKING to do this. You've moved into the OW MODE..although you're not REALLY that..you are his WIFE and it is his RESPONSIBILITY to help you...and this makes him feel good..relieving some of that depression..meeting the DOMESTIC SUPPORT/FAMILY COMMITMENT ENs...You want to meet as many ENs as possible prior to PLAN B..so he will MISS YOU... OW will FAIL at MEETING ALL OF HIS ENs..that is a MAJOR GOAL of PLAN B..her having to BE HIS ALL..Get it? This is GREAT!!!!
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WH: Okay. Are you okay now?
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He's developed CARE..OK, even a return of some FEELINGS OF LOVE for your..because you are meeting his ENs..that's how this works..You see????
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LS: Yeah. Thanks for getting me unstuck. (I put my arms up to get a hug and he comes toward me, gives me the one armed one.)
LS: Why don't you hug me?
WH: I do. .... To what end? Besides, I can't with all this stuff on (he indicates his bulletproof vest and his belt full of gear and assorted weaponry)
WH is straightening his tie in the mirror by the back door.
LS: You look handsome. Thanks again for rescuing me.
WH: It's not a matter of rescuing. .... Okay (he puts his hand on the door and starts to open it..) Talk to you later.
LS: Okay, careful, love you, bye. (small smile)
WH looks me in the eye. "See ya." he says with a smile.
LS: c-ly-b and an tiny air kiss.
WH smiles and walks out.
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I don't know what you are seeing..but this was a MAGICAL INTERACTION that your WH will not be able to FORGET...He was your KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR..He even started feeling GOOD about himself, looking in the mirror, after coming to your rescue...
I'm picking up that he LIKES TO TAKE THE LEAD and he loves for his woman to be like a DAMSEL IN DISTRESS...
HE HUGGED YOU WHEN IT CAME NATURALLY AND YOU DIDN'T ASK HIM TO....
So back to the NUDGING..and being AVAILABLE to HIM...
Check out how he said: "I'll talk to you later"...
I suggest that you somehow make yourself available just to "CHAT".."Just calling to check on MY RESCUER...I'm glad you're all safe today in your vest..or whatever..CHECK TO SEE HOW HIS DAY IS GOING...just LIGHT CONVERSATION....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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How about a TM "Thank you for being there when I needed you" ?
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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This birthday sucks.
As I'm backing out of the driveway to drive the kids to school, I get stuck. I was trying to avoid all the ice chunks (they are BRICKS of ice) at the end of the driveway, and apparently one got stuck beneath the car and I can't get out. DS11 is trying to help...I just give up. My wonderful neighbor sticks her head out the door and jiggles her keys...she's already got her car started for me.
I get out of my car and start bawling. I walk over to my neighbor and lay my head on her shoulder and cry. "It's okay," she says. "you are fine. Just take mine. We'll worry about this later."
A white car pull in behind mine. It's one of WH's "good buddies," another "former" WS who cheated on his wife for 10 years. Not really in the mood to see him. "I'll push you out!" he annouces with a big smile.
"No thanks, Jim. Just tell your [censored] friend." I'm bawling, so I don't think he hears me. But I see his face fall, he says okay, and gets back in his car.
So I drop the kids off at school and come home. WH has called the cell but I don't answer.
I'm here typing part one of this post and WH comes to the back door. He knocks...I don't answer. So he comes in. I can hear his radio, a call come in for him. He walks up the steps into the kitchen (where the computer is), I don't even look at him. "Come here." he says.
"Go take your call."
"I don't have a call. Come here. Just come here, will you please?"
I get up from the computer...still crying..and just stand there looking at him.
"Come here." So I step towards him and he pulls my head to his shoulder and I'm bawling and he's holding me. This goes on for a couple of minutes. Then I step back.
LS: Go ahead. Tell me it's all my fault. (still sobbing)
WH: I won't tell you it's all your fault. Would you get new tires on that thing? Come on, let's go get you unstuck.
I'm still crying.
WH: Is it something else? or is it just the icing on the cake?
LS: It's everything. (I just plunk down on the floor, put my head on my knees and keep crying.)
LS: Please tell me, what did I do to deserve this?
WH: Don't ask yourself that.
LS: I'm not asking myself, I'm asking YOU. What did I do to deserve this?
WH closes his eyes and leans his head on the wall and pauses a moment. "Nothing." Long pause, while my crying subsides. "Let's go get you unstuck. Come on."
So we go out and of course he gets me unstuck in like 30 seconds flat.
I get out of the car, say thank you, he looks at me and says, "come on" and motions with his head towards the house.
I'll post and continue on... First off HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! Second: (((LilSis))) Third: this post actually brought me to tears. If anyone walked by my office right now they woudl see tears streaming down my face. I wish you could see what we see from the outside. Plan A is working it's magic. I hope you have a wonderful day, please do something for yourself. Maybe a massage, manicure, something.
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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I see ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR YOU TO MAKE ANY CHANGES IN YOUR PLAN A...at the time when it is working.... THAT WOULD BE A HUGE MISTAKE, IMO... Your WH is treating you TEN TIMES NICER than mine did at this point...the same seems true for Neak... He believes and realizes that you are getting it.. He sees your PLAN A as being sincere... He has just started having one-on-one interactions with you..and this will continue... We need to move to more ROMANCE and that can and will happen... I'll use a saying, too: YOU WILL BE BITING OFF YOUR NOSE TO SPITE YOUR FACE..if you move off of this course... AND..I would send the roses TODAY... He might have a TOE on the fence, but he's still 90% over on the other side. If he were forced to make a choice now...he'd just pull the toe off. HE'S DEFINITELY ON THE FENCE. IF FORCED TO MAKE A CHOICE, HE WILL GO BACK OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE. He is a man who does not like to be CHALLENGED OR FORCED by his LADY.... He want to MAKE THE MOVES..or to FEEL LIKE he is making the moves... That's what gets him high... HE LOVES TO NURTURE AND TO RESCUE...BE THE MAN!!! I'm willing to bet that RT is becoming DEMANDING..less the DAMSEL...If you react the SAME AS HER, you will not seem ATTRACTIVE anymore...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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How about a TM "Thank you for being there when I needed you" ? i like that. it's honest and not too mushy. i can't tell if he secretly liked being called 'rescuer' or if it actually bothered him. Neaks is pure and simple....heartfelt...says it all.
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WH: why didn't you call me right away?
LS: Beause the last few times I called you for help you've yelled at me. (I'm crying during this, still)
WH: Ohh... (and he closes his eyes again and leans his head against the wall) Plan A includes moments of raw honesty ... where the adulterous is forced to look at the ugly hurtful wake that he has made GOOD JOB !!!!!!!!!!!!! ... and the A-hole who drove by ... prolly called your WH and alerted him to "You better get over to your house, your wife is in desperate shape." Pep
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I agree with Nia and Neak it is just enough. Not to much or to little. He will get the point. You can also regain the ground you loss by saying Thank you for being there when I needed you today. I knew you wouldn't let me down I am sorry for not calling you sooner I will make sure I do that first should anything else happen. Something along those lines.
MB
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LilSis,
Happy B-day! I know this morning was rough for you, but you really are blessed. You have a great work envirnment that celebrated your b-day, your own family cares about you and celebrated on Sunday, you have plans with your BF, and I'm sure your MIL remembers and will acknowledge it. Your sons are young boys, they don't know how vulnerable you were this morning, I'm sure they have something planned as a surprise and are excited about it.
It appears between the two holidays that you are running on fumes, the glass isn't half full, it's almost empty. I'm not an expert, but I think it is time to call the expert, SH, and discuss this. Everyone here will have as many different approaches as there are people. You need to focus on yours, and what will work for you. I'm not discounting the experience here, it is invaluable, but when your sick, you go to the dr, when you need new tires, the tire shop, marriage counseling, go to the expert. Let this be your b-day present to yourself!
Have a great day and be kind to yourself!
nab
PS-my husband would have looked at me in disgust and rolled his eyes if I got stuck in the snow during his A, you did good today and so did your WH!
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Ditto Nab's PS..... WH: Ohh... (and he closes his eyes again and leans his head against the wall) And I meant to remark on this, too... Pep and others: Don't you think it's a GOOD SIGN (for want of a better description) that he is experiencing EMOTIONAL PAIN prior to PLAN B...He needs to REACH HIS BOTTOM in order to END THE AFFAIR...
Last edited by mimi1254; 02/15/07 11:22 AM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Oh..and I agree..not the ROSES..but some expression of APPRECIATION...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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A word of explanation about my view. And before I say anything else... I will support Lilsis and think she needs to do what is right for her.
To me, your H has not made his decision... he hasn't had to...he KNOWS right now that he can come back to you. Is he on the fence... yes...but from what I have seen, I think he would fall on your side of the fence if pressed to make a decision. IMHO, the reason he showed up today as he did is because Lilsis went off and his friend relayed it to him. I think he got worried that his ability to come back might be in jeopardy. My counselor calls it a "opposing magnet" syndrome. They never want to get too close... yet suffer when they are too far away. The only way to change things is to change the rules of engagement. I think that is what happened today for a brief moment. Calling him an A-hole is really LB... but look... he showed up. He has seen her sincerity to stay in the marriage and I believe it has done some good and some bad. WS are by nature a selfish bunch. Give a selfish person two options and they want both... sort of like a dog with two bones.
I may not be in a recovered relationship or married at this point. But that is my choice.... I had enough and didn't want to go back. Once I stopped playing her game and making myself available to her... well, she just came running... and has NEVER stopped trying to win me back (it won't work in my sitch). I saw that in your H today. What I see is someone that will respond to ... "hey buster you better cut the crapp"... but again.. it is all opinion on my part based on what I read. Doesn't mean I am right.
That was my logic and again, please know I will support anything you choose to do. You will know what is best.
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LilSis, I agree that your interaction with your WH this morning was very positive!
About the cheating coworker who stopped by to offer his help this morning...well, somehow, I don't think ALL cheaters are automatically in favor of affairs. For instance, he probably felt/feels entitled to HIS affair; BUT, he may also compare RT and LilSis and think, "What in the h3!! does he see in RT when he's got a woman like LilSis?" So, yeah, I think he probably got in touch with your WH and told him that he needed to get over to your house and see about his wife!
Another thing I picked up on a while back (and I'm surprised that nobody else mentioned it)...remember when you and the boys went to Outback and your H called? When you told him where you were, he immediately wanted to know WHO it was that you were meeting there. Hmmm...maybe a lil' bit of jealousy there?
So, yeah, send him a short but sweet text message to thank him for coming to help you and also thank him for being so comforting.
Hmmm...wonder if RT ever checks his text messages?
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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He is a man who does not like to be CHALLENGED OR FORCED by his LADY....
He want to MAKE THE MOVES..or to FEEL LIKE he is making the moves...
That's what gets him high...
HE LOVES TO NURTURE AND TO RESCUE...BE THE MAN!!!
I'm willing to bet that RT is becoming DEMANDING..less the DAMSEL...If you react the SAME AS HER, you will not seem ATTRACTIVE anymore... Mimi, I think your instincts and insight and advice are great .... I do have a question about this, though. Maybe you have more insight on it than I do. Sis has said that her WH just falls into things, kind of a path of least resistance kind of guy. It's how he ended up in his career. I don't see him as ever making a choice that he's not pretty much pushed into. I'm not so sure that he realy DOES want to make the moves. And he might not WANT to feel challenged or 'forced', but it sure seems that that's what he responds to. Like a challenge or push is the only way he'll actually make a move. I think RT shoved him right in the current direction, and that Sis is going to have to start countering some of that pressure with pressure in the right direction. Because I think her H is the kind of guy who would live with a miserable choice just because it was made for him -- just like he lives with a career he hates. And I think that RT is more than happy to force a choice for him, and that she is very aware of this chink and has been exploiting it to it's fullest. What do you think? -AmI.
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Ami... you said it better than I could.
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I find myself questioning LS's WH the same way.
what is he like exactly? i do agree he likes to to come to the rescue of the damsel in distress. he gets some need met by being needed, he likes to feel he is the hero.
mimi often points out things that i would never have picked up on....she was obviously an exceptional plan Aer.
but, i worry that LS's WH might be offended and feel manipulated by some of these tactics.
he may FEEL like he is being PLAYED.
i am under the impression he is a bit humble underneath it all.....wants recognition but needs to feel it's genuine!
he may be even sensitive to feeling like a fool.
LS, would you say he is an introvert or an extrovert?
Last edited by nia17; 02/15/07 12:11 PM.
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I agree MEDC.
Your advice seems spot on to me. I could be off the mark, but I don't see WH making a choice in this regard without being nudged to get off the fence. From the interaction earlier I saw a guy who likes to come riding in and play the part of the hero, but he still rides back out.Basically he gets to have the best of both worlds. He can be Lil Sis' hero and still carry on his A without consequence. I have to wonder if it eases his guilt a wee bit to be able to come in and comfort her and then go on about his day. Maybe it is time for another call to SH Lil Sis. His advice could be the key to turning this thing around for you ASAP.
Last edited by robertswife; 02/15/07 11:57 AM.
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