I was laying in bed this morning...no school for the kids to it was nice to be lazy. I was thinking of how wonderful EVERYONE here was to me yesterday. Pages and pages of posts, birthday wishes, "atta-girls", support...everyone just there for me. And on a really crappy, miserable feeling day. YOU got me through...knowing everyone was here rooting for me...perfect strangers checking in on me...making sure I was okay. I was NOT ALONE.

How can I ever thank you? Everyone...first time posters, lurkers, my regular coaches and cheerleaders?

What can I do?

Right now, I just want you to know how deeply I appreciate you, every one of you.

Good Morning, LS.
we just want to see you happy.........You are very inspirational.

keeping my fingers crossed for you today.

((( LilSis )))

I had mentioned a while back about the love that you are generating here.

THIS is the best part of being human ~ the love, support, caring, reaching out --- so very glad that you can feel it.

You will make it !!!

Sincerely, Carnation

Good morning nia and carn.

(nia, I love that I get to "see" you every morning!)

I don't know quite where this came from, but I felt compelled to "communicate" with WH this morning. So I began to write...putting all of my feelings out there...for myself. I didn't do anything with this...it is for me (letting the emotions flow through me as my therapist advises).

Since you are all in this with me, I'm sharing:

Dear WH:

I want you to know that I believe in you. And I want you to know why.

From the moment I first met you…or maybe from the first ride up the chair lift together…I knew you were different. You were like no one I had ever met before. You were everything I ever dreamed of in a partner: someone I could talk to, someone I could relate to, someone who ideals and values matched mine, someone who was intelligent, caring, introspective, and thoughtful, someone I would want to see across the kitchen table after fifty years.

I knew after that first weekend that you were the man that I would marry. You were the one for me. My kindred spirit. I had no doubt. I believed with all my heart in us. And I was right.

Fast forward thirteen years. That belief has been shaken to its very foundation, but—try as we both might—it could not be destroyed. After everything, all of it, the ugliness, the hurt, I have discovered that I still believe in us; more deeply than before. I also know that you do not share that belief right now. My belief is strong enough to withstand your doubt. Withstanding doubt is the definition of belief: faith, conviction, determination, a certainty about what is true in the face of disbelief.

I KNOW you. I know who you are at your core. And because I know you that well, I trust you with my very life. I trust you with my heart and soul, with the lives of our children, with our future. I trust you now more than I did on our wedding day, because that belief has been tested to its very limits, and I have not lost it. I will never believe that you will let me down…not in the end.

Because I believe in you and trust you, I know that ultimately your core will not be compromised. You are who you are. Three years of poor choices, three years of trying to deny your values, your convictions, your ideals, three years of attempting to lock them up and remove them from yourself…it simply cannot be done. I know your core, even if you are blinded to it right now.

I speak from experience, and I want you understand this. I have been where you are now. I have been rejected, cast out, marginalized, stripped down, scrutinized, imprisoned. I was literally and figuratively at the very deepest, darkest bottom. I could go no lower.

But I could not be defeated. Something in me, something at my core…ultimately, it would not let me curl up and die there in the bottom to become bitter, angry, cold. My core would not let me quit, it would not let me give up on myself, on who am. So from that very deepest, darkest bottom, I finally began to scratch and claw my way out. My own grit and determination and belief in myself—and with the love and care of countless people helping me and supporting me—I slowly began to emerge. I didn’t recognize any of it at the time. Only now, looking back at my journey, do I see how it unfolded.

You can do this too. I know it. I believe it. If I can reclaim my SELF from that ugly place, you certainly can. It is a different twist on the same story. Yes, you will need grit and determination, lots of it. You will certainly have the love and care of countless people helping you and supporting you. You can do it. You will do it. I know it, because I know you, I trust you, I believe in you. I love you.

I promised you that I would stand by you always. I promised to love you and care for you and keep you in good times and in bad. I’m quite sure this qualifies as a bad time, but I won’t let this defeat me or make me turn my back on who I am either. I am not a quitter. I have fight and grit and determination. I can withstand your disbelief, I can withstand your anger and resentment, I can withstand the rejection. Because I know, from the bottom of my heart, that is not who you are.

I remember who you are. I will remember for the both of us.

Love always,
me

You write soo BEAUTIFULLY, Sis...

The SPIRIT has been TALKING to you again...

You've written an ALMOST PERFECT PLAN B Letter...

All you will need to add is the part about not seeing or talking to him until he ends his affair....

Because the PLAN B LETTER is a LOVE LETTER...

Save this until THAT TIME...

I just want to make sure. I thought of that, too...I even saved it in word as PBL.

BUT...I feel like this is where I am NOW. Should I not communicate it out of honesty and openness? To wait and share these things in another couple of months...is it missing an opportunity to connect? I do see those moments of vulnerability, of emotional pain, of understanding.

He IS insecure. This letter lets him know that he is safe with me. That I have absolute belief and trust in him. He has my confidence. That even after everything, I will not abandon him. So this letter offers security.

He is ALSO passive. He will take the path of least resistance...but shouldn't he KNOW that there is another path for him to choose? That the path will be difficult, but he CAN do it? That I have faith in his ability to make it on that path and that I will help him? So this letter also offers a choice.

I think MEDC's suggestion yesterday planted the seed. I just wonder if there is value in doing this now.

By the time I am ready to go to Plan B, especially if it is as much as a couple of months off, I will probably be in a slightly different place. I will have something ELSE to say. It may be quite similar to this, but the words I have TODAY are the words I have TODAY. The words I have in six weeks will be the words I have in six weeks. Those words won't be any less heart-felt...but they will be the expression of what I am feeling AT THE TIME, just as these words are an expression of what I am feeling NOW.

Don't know if that makes sense. I guess I wonder if it will do any HARM to put this out there. Because if it causes no harm, then I would feel good about sharing it.

I don't know....something in me wants to share this with him.

So far your instincts have been right on. You know him better than anyone. You're there. We're not. I say go with it. Especially after yesterday. Just my .02 cents.

Lilsis... I like the idea of you sending the letter I do however feel there would need to be some edits in your beautiful letter before giving it to him.

And as far as why we are here for you... well, it is because you are inviting us all to the big "recovery" party that you are throwing when this is all over. I sure hope you saw that in the terms of service!!!!!!!!!!1

I say I agree with the princess and MIMI 100%. They are both right. You write beautifully and you should go with your instincts. Also I saw someone suggested a playdate today. I think that would be a great time for you and him to spend some alone time 2gether. I hope all goes better than planned. Goodluck.


MB

P.S. How was dinner with your two little men?

Would you be okay if I offered some suggestions for the letter?

What exactly do you feel she should edit and why MEDC?

I will answer that when I get the response from Lilsis.

MEDC: have at it, but as usual...no promises on taking your advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is my heart speaking. My voice. KWIM?

LilSis,

Although you see peaks of your H, he is still a WH. I wouldn't send the letter now. I've sent my WH letters, read things over the phone, all very heartfelt, but while they are WH's, it is really on deaf ears.

What MEDC suggested was about 1 paragraph long, and very direct. This might be more appropriate, as it will also suit his attention span for such things. It doesn't appear that your WH would even read the whole letter, sorry, just IMHO.

I understand to keep up the pressure, but isn't part of Plan A working on you so that you will be ok no matter what? Seems like with your B-day just passing, perhaps it is time for TLC with yourself, not worrying about the next contact with WH, analyzing what you said/did, how to phrase your next TM. It can become an obsession, just like an A.

Take care,

Dear WH:

(I would change you to "us")

(Good ... except I worry the letter is going to get long)

I knew after that first weekend that you were the man that I would marry. You were the one for me. My kindred spirit. I had no doubt. I believed with all my heart in us. And I was right.

(I see this as a problem... yes, HE CAN destroy it... relay that it is still there now and that you want it to remain... but take away that "he can't destroy" it.)

(Remove "more deeply than before"... it is almost a see, this affair did us some good!).

. (Change to "has been strong enough")

(This is a perfect opportunity to offer him to change this now... you NEED his help to hang on... your grip is beginning to slip...I see all this as another way where he can continue to do what he does and KNOW that you will be there.... he HAS to know that this cannot go on much longer).
I KNOW you. I know who you are at your core. And because I know you that well, I trust you with my very life. I trust you with my heart and soul, with the lives of our children, with our future. I trust you now more than I did on our wedding day, because that belief has been tested to its very limits, and I have not lost it. I will never believe that you will let me down…not in the end. [/quote] (Sorry Lilsis... I see this paragraph as being a BIG problem... he is not deserving of that trust right now and HE knows it too).



(NO, you are basically inviting more of this on yourself... "I can" should be... "I have withstood")



(I have remembered who you are. I need your help to show me that loving you despite all of this...holding out the hope that our marriage, our love is stronger than this has not been in vain. While I am hanging on, my grip is weakening and I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I can forgive you for what has happened... we can come out of this strong and so much in love. I don't want to live my life with another... have our children raised by another man.. I want them to have their father and me, my husband.).
Love always,
me


Again, my edits are off the top of my head. But I think it is important to NOT make it seem that you have unending undurance here. To NOT make it seems that no matter what he does to you that you will be there still looking at him with trust and respect.

Keep the good tone of your letter... but make sure it is not enabling. Your letter, while beautiful would come across as enabling to me in his shoes.

I hope even a small bit of this is helpful. Feel free to dismiss as necessary!

God... that whole quote thing was confusing... I hope it makes sense.

This letter sounds a little...hmm..challenging?

If I were a WH I might have an "oh yeah?!" reaction and set to work destroying your beliefs.

This is my opinion, Sis.

All I can do is speak from my own experience. See what fits with your situation.

It made ME feel better to WRITE letters to my WH during PLAN A but my H was still soooo WAYWARD. More than once I watched him take my beautifully written heartfelt letters and shred them in our shredder right in front of my face. He MAY have read them but he wanted to make sure that I knew that they would not DETER him from his AFFAIR.

In regards to my PLAN B LETTER which I must say was STELLAR, I'm not sure if he read it RIGHT AWAY but HE DID EVENTUALLY READ IT and QUOTE PARTS of it back to me. But I don't think that he actually READ IT, READ IT, meaning I don't think that it sunk in UNTIL he was SUFFERING..IN HIS MIDNIGHT HOURS and was SEARCHING for a WAY TO COME HOME. I don't think your WH is quite there yet.

I wouldn't want you TO WATER DOWN the effect of your PLAN B LETTER because it has to be SMOKING.....

Right now since your WH is SOOOO FOGGY and SOOO WAYWARD...BRIEF COMMUNICATIONS such as cards or NOTES might be better..or even your FACE-TO-FACE communications with him. IMO, WSes have COGNITIVE IMPAIRMENT..their brains don't function well..just like a DRUG ADDICT..and too much complexity is likely to go over his head.

In other words, although it might help YOU to feel better to write this and to communicate this, ASK YOURSELF DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT THIS WILL REGISTER WITH HIM NOW..as much as YOUR ACTIONS? The key now is to use the BEST STRATEGY..not to do what makes YOU FEEL BEST....My opinion..my experience..after writing such notes to MY WH during PLAN A...they BOMBED...



I'm not sure that any of this matters to HIM...that you are writing what you are feeling NOW...it's a gamble that he will even LISTEN to you or even READ it...that's the view I have of WAYWARDS...



In other words, the ONLY HARM I see is in WATERING DOWN THE EFFECT of the PLAN B LETTER..

You don't want him to think of the PLAN B LETTER as just ANOTHER LETTER..

FOR OUR SITUATION, THE PLAN B LETTER WAS MAJOR..THE ROAD MAP HOME....My H: "You said in your letter...."



But will you be talking to a BRICK WALL????

IMO, for a WS, active in his affair..ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS...

But... as we've been saying..you know him better than we do..and you should follow your gut....

I see where you are going, MEDC, but it is a different direction than I am going. This isn't about requesting anything from him. It isn't about telling him what I want him to do. It isn't about what I need from him.

I understand that you are looking out for me here. You are trying to protect me from myself, and from WH.

But the letter as I wrote it is about sharing my belief in him, about my faith in him. I KNOW he doesn't deserve it...that's the point. He knows he doesn't deserve it either, as you point out. But this isn't about what he deserves or what I deserve. It's not about giving him a pass. It is about what IS. It is about where I AM.

This is a thing from which there is NO protection. It is total vulnerability. I GET that. I am choosing it. I understand the implications. I can be completely and utterly rejected for it, lashed at, have pain inflicted upon me. I know that, but I'm willing to risk it.

Would it make a difference to you if you could see the pain that I see in his eyes when he acknowledges that I did nothing to deserve this? Would it make a difference to you if you could hear the pain in his voice when he realizes that I can't call him to help because I fear his angry outbursts?

If I were to give him this letter, I would ask for a promise...that he only read it at a time when he is alone, has some peace and quiet, and when can really "hear" my voice in it. I know many of you will say...he's a WH...thus he is incapable of that. But I do not believe that is true...not ALL the time. Most often, yes, but not always. That wall goes down sometimes. I have seen it.

He respects me. He aches for me. He may resent me, he may fight me, he may explode at me in anger, but he resepcts me deep down. If I asked him to honor that request, I believe he would do so.

This is where my knowledge of MY WH comes in. It's intuition...not denial. I want to be clear about that.

You know..if you are looking to put your heart and soul on paper I would go ahead and DO that..expressing exactly what you think and feel at the moment you are inspired to do so.

I would never show my heart and soul to an enemy.

I would keep them in a binder and let him read them as a part of reconciliation rather than plan A.

I also agree that this may water down your fast approaching plan B.

He may get into the habit of disregarding "letters" from you.

.02