I agree with, Lexx, Sis...

What do you want?

If you start talking about feeling beat up, I won't want to post to you... because I don't want to be dishonest with you and I don't want to hurt you...

In fact, I have lots more comments about your last post but I'm finding myself holding back..because that is the message that I am getting...

There IS something going on with you, IMO....

Point taken.

I'm overly sensitive, and I overreacted: I logged back on to post a quick update and there were somthing like ten new posts suddenly telling me I'm at the end of my rope and totally out of Plan A screwing everything up and should have done everything differently. My feelings were hurt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'm looking at my shoes and I'm the one in 'em, doing the best I can....with no small amount of help from everyone here. I do appreciate it. Sorry if I bit back unfairly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sis,

You are going with your heart and doing what comes naturally,,, WHILE taking into account the excellent advice that comes to you here. Nothing wrong with that!

I could not be more impressed with you!

I don't think you necessarily believe anyone is beating up on you, but it's hard to find a better way to say it.

I think that like me, you are feeling your way thru this.

Wanting and needing advice.

Scared of doing the "wrong" thing.

Needing reassurance but still having to know the TRUTH that comes from all of the experience here.

You are on the right path! Keep the faith!! Today was FANTASTIC!!

Working with you here...I guess if he WANTED me to hang on his arm with the tire guy, it would come as a total shock. Now...I could see standing right there next to him and listening intently and still giving him total call over which tires to buy ("you know best, honey"). But it's a tire store...??

NOW if we were in Victoria's Secret and it's this nightie or that nightie... or if we're in Bath and Body Works and it's Warm Vanilla Sugar or White Tea and Ginger... THAT'S another story. Where's the arm, cause I'm hanging.

I just can't get googly eyed about tread patterns and warranties. (trying to joke here...)

Please don't.

Again, my apologies. I was unfair to use such sweeping generalities and snap back at people who are simply trying to help me through a difficult time. Please understand wasn't a direct response to anyone specifically...again, it was quickly reading a bunch of posts all in a row that said very similar things, and me REacting to them impulsively.

I do feel stressed. It has been a rollercoaster week. It was only one week ago today that WH called and reamed me out for the FOC thing. Then his apologies. Then it was the mud flap. Then it was the dog thing. Then VD and B-day. Then it was getting the car stuck. Thank GOD I'm not PMSing....but with all of this going on I might as well be.

Thus far, it has pretty much been me pushing my Plan A...one-sided...this drastic up and down part of the rollercoaster is new to me. I'm still trying to figure out how to keep from throwing up and from falling out. I KNOW I can do it...but I need to start to understand the patterns, what elicits reactions from me, what I can take, what I need to let go of...a learning curve...see?

At the same time--this is going to sound stupid--I SO want to please everyone here. You have all INVESTED in me. I want to make you glad you did. I try to take all the advice I can, but not everything works for me. There are times--CLEARLY--that I have THOUGHT things wouldn't work for me, and they did...just like people here said. There are times when you all have CALLED me on things that I didn't even SEE. There are other times when I just feel in my gut that it's not a fit FOR ME...and that distresses me because I want to honor the people here. (yeah, right...what I said earlier was so honorable)

UGH...I am such a pleaser and that's MY ISSUE.

Anyway...it all comes down to saying I'm sorry. I'm not trying to rationalize or justify (haven't we all had our fill of that??), just wanting to understand for myself, and share with you "WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME" as mimi stated...

are we good?

it makes perfect sense that you will have days when you take things personally....you have just had a couple of rough days.
you always manage to sift thru the advice here and come back sensible and strong.

i know you don't want anybody blowing smoke up your butt...but, heck ....you don't need to kick when your down either.

If it makes anyone feel better...

Either way, you know me, I have to post EVERYTHING. WH called earlier about the particulars of a party that the boys are attending tonight. I called back about 10 minutes later, knowing he would have dropped them off by then.

LS: I'm getting in a bubble bath and I'm shaving my legs if you want to come over and keep me company...?
WH: Ha, ha, ha (a sincere laugh) No, thanks for the offer, but I'll pass. Whoa, I almost hit that car.
LS: Oh, so my suggestion was so provoking that you almost got in an accident?
WH: No...and he proceeds to tell me this funny story he heard on Car Talk about a guy who ran over another guy's cell phone...it was funny (but a total subject change)...I laugh.
LS: Okay, well, then, if you're sure...I mean...shaved legs!! (I am joking, here you guys)
WH: (laughs again) Nah. Thanks for the offer.
LS: Okay...talk to you later.
WH: Talk to you later.
Bye
Bye

Very light-hearted...nice interaction. Added a little "spice" to the very routine, homey stuff we did today.

Hope I haven't alienated everyone...

Very nice discussion!!


Well, not me! I'll be glad to pound happy hay into your pipe all day long if you stop yer lovebusting!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

.............and just a note to explain that I know you haven't done much of it, but I'm sensitive to it (LB) so I will call it when I see it, if that's okay.

I am following your thread and getting planA tips from you!

LilSis:

Maybe you could do this for RT:



Otherwise:
Call him back.

You have taken your bath. He's dropped off the kids, call him back.

Tell him your favorite Car Guys story. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Tom and Ray are a lot of fun.

However.

It really sucks to see the H doesn't it. Hands on shovel. Staring into your eyes.

And realizing that it might not ever be that way again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

That's the kick in the pants of it all.

All this effort.

But your letter clearly stated that you know he is capable of coming back.

And it was really a great letter. I wanted to clarify that your H can read that letter. WH can't. WH won't get it.

But keep fighting.

Because the day you feel safe handing him that letter is the day you know you won the fight.

Till tommorrow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LG

Sis,

He couldn't take you to get burgers - RT might see him, and we can't have that, doncha know.




"It's all right now. I've learned my lesson well. You see, you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself."


That's from a song, "Garden Party" by Ricky Nelson (now you know I really am 50).

Don't try to please everyone - won't happen. You know yourself better and better every day; and you do know your H. His core. And I agree it's still there - he's touching base with you voluntarily more, and finding a reason to find you.......home, family, love......he remembers. He just can't make that choice right now.

I believe he will.

SB

BTW,

I would have sent the letter.

But, that's what I DO, after all. My H would expect nothing less - and yes, he would read it. And keep it.

I experienced something similar to this early in my marriage, and FWH did come home, after a two/three month separation.

A letter would have brought him home sooner, I believe, but that's just the way he is. He clings to the written word. I can say something, and one second later, poof, gone! But he saves every scrap of paper I have given him, and files them. Going back 30 years now. So for me, for us, I have to write it down.

And he writes back!

SB

Don'tcha mean "Cahhh tawk".

Who am I to PLEASE?

WHAT'S MOST, MOST IMPORTANT IS TO PLEASE YOURSELF..and then your H..when he is not wayward, IMO..

You have not alienated ME but I am finding myself hesitant to say some things to you this evening....

I WILL go ahead and give you a MBer'sForum tip because LOTS and LOTS of folks used to post to me and I would come on here and give a blow my blow on my days, too..

I took no one's advice here as being GOSPEL. I relied on Steve Harley's counsel for that...

But I did SOAK UP what ALMOST everyone had to say...because I knew they were not here to CRITICIZE me but ONLY to help me...

Plus, helping you..helps me..keeps me grounded in MBer's principles and focused on my own Personal Recovery...

We just want you to LISTEN..FRIEND TO FRIEND..not to PLEASE US..or to do exactly what we say..At least that's true for ME...

We are your PEERS..not your COUNSELORS..We've BEEN THERE..WALKED IN YOUR SHOES..and are trying to warn you about the LAND MINES...

We are SUPPORTING you ..not DIRECTING you...

((((SIS))))

Lexxy

i'm going to copy and paste this on my thread so i can refer to it when i'm feeling so bad about my plan B

thanks for the FWS perspective!

verrrrrry understandable lilsis.

We just want to make you aware of how YOU are feeling.
Because it is YOUR temperature we need to take when looking towards Plan B. And if these interactions with him are stressing you so that you are in danger of losing Lovebank points instead of depositing them, we want to be able to point that out to you -- so you don't undermine all the incredibly great stuff you have done so far.

About you letter......its beautiful. The debate is whether or not it will reach him. I'm in the camp that you should hold onto it, use it for your base Plan B letter.

Did you normally communicate with him this way?

Cuz I will share with you that my BS had not written me any type of "love letter" since we were dating. It had been almost 20 years since I had something in writing about his feelings.

And I share my perspective with you, not to discourage you, but to help you -- so you can use it in your arsenol!
I think that if you have some idea of the warped mindset of a WS, that you can use that to your advantage -- to approach him in ways that will reach him. And to not bother in ways that won't or might work backwards of what a normal logical person might think....

Same here.

No one here wants to hurt you, Lilsis.

I see everyone trying to help you by sharing w/ you their experiences and perspectives.

The LAST thing anyone wants to do is bring you MORE pain.

~ Marsh

[color:"blue"]Today's thought from Hazelden is:
Believing in change

At first, drugs or booze turned us on; later they turned on us. We couldn't find any peace anywhere. We began turning into the kind of person we didn't want to be, but we didn't know what was happening to us or how to change. When we came to believe that our lives could and would turn around if we quit drinking or using; things began to get better. Do I believe I can change? Higher Power, help me to be open minded and humble enough to believe that what has worked to change the lives of others will work to change mine. [/color]

My husband gets these daily from Hazelden ... just thought I'd share this one with Sis & her fans

Pep

LilSis - You haven't alienated me. I read all your sagas, but don't post much. In the end, you are the one that needs to live with your choices. If you did something that you didn't believe in, and things turned out poorly, you would regret it. The way you are going, you will look back and know you did the best you knew, and you will be at peace.

Another update:
WH called a little after 9 to tell me that DS11 decided to sleep over at his friends house and could he come by to get a sleeping bag and pillow on his way to pick up DS8. Sure, I said. Come by earlier if you want. Ha, no thanks.

So he arrives about 45 minutes later. I'm just finishing my dinner (pancakes, so I'm sure it smells nice in here). He actually comes in...I thought for sure he would just knock on the kitchen window which is just above the driveway and have me pass the stuff out.

We chatted for a couple of minutes about whatever song he was just listening to on the sat radio, he was in a good mood. He asked for the sleeping bag. I told him he could have it on one condition. He said, "Don't play games."
"Your loss," I reply.
"What?" he says.
"Not telling now," I say. He shrugs. I was going to tell him he had to feel how smooth my legs are.

So I'm standing there holding the stuff and we are still talking. He picks up the cat and says something about how he must smell like smoke. "Lemme see," I ask, and he leans over so I can smell his coat. I ask where he was, and he tells me he was at this bar/pizza place with his friend JR...the one who pulled up and offered to push me out yesterday.

Apparently JR only heard the word "[censored]" and didn't understand the context of all that had been going on. WH asked what exactly I did say. I told him I didn't really remember but it was something like that. JR was slightly offended by my rebuff...but is fine now that WH explained what was going on. (Not that I was losing sleep over offending this man...)

"Oh!" I said to WH, like I just thought of it. "Feel." I stuck my leg out (I'm in my jammies). And he does, score! "Smooth," he says, kind of laughing.

He's getting ready to leave and I reach up to give him a hug. He doesn't pull back and cringe like he has before, but only one-arms me back.
"Are you afraid of me?" I ask against his neck.
"No, not afraid of you. I just don't want you to put yourself in a position where I will hurt you a second time."
"Then don't." I say happily, with a smile. He smiles back sort of reluctantly.

He says goodbye to the kitties and steps out the door. "Careful, love you, bye," I say. He smiles back, holds my eyes and second and says bye. There's something different about his reaction to that lately...he doesn't seem to get all freaked out by it or run away from it.

I had asked him to shut the garage door for me while he's out there, and he does...in addition to plugging in the car for me and making sure the car doors weren't frozen shut from going through the car wash.

I stood in the door while he did all this so that I could thank him before he got back in the truck. Shortly after he left, I texted him another thank you specifically about preventing my car doors from freezing shut....which might prevent me from my hair appt in the morning!!

*****
About the pleaser thing...this is a really difficult issue for me and has dogged me my entire life. I am way, way too invested in making sure that whatever I do meets the expectations of others...even when others don't really even care, or HAVE expectations of me. If they don't have expectations, I create them for myself so that I can measure up. Goes WAAAY back to my mom...

I know...this chick needs THERAPY. Good thing I'm getting it, eh?