GULP.

I hope that was the right thing to do. I'm going with my gut. I think SB was right, so I gave him the letter. I think it is a very appropriate response to him being the German. If I waited, it would have seemed contrived somehow??

He came in when dropping the kids off to help them unload their stuff and ask if I would drop off a movie at Blockbuster. I asked him if he would help me out with this HUGE quanitity of MARSH'S MINESTRONE (five stars, everyone!! only I used all low sodium Swanson's chix broth and 1 cup water), explaining that the kids won't eat it because it's got all this green stuff in it and it makes SOO much.

So I handed him a container of soup, and the letter. I told him I had written it the other morning, and it just seemed to fit with what he told me today. He said okay and left. Bye with a smile, I c-ly-b'd him.

eav...I missed your suggestion...

Let me reiterate...Marsh's minestrone is awesome. Very quick, too! I looks longer because of all the ingredients, but it is very easy.

i loved the letter

i wrote something similar myself but it was wasted since my H was a complete WS....not where your H seems to be

the only thing that came to mind as i read your letter is that it's missing talk ofthe future and dealing with the A....forgiving, using what you have learned as a building block, a new foundation, for your marraige so that you can meet each others needs and be even happier than before

the "light house" leading him back to you with a plan for the future

maybe if he talks about the letter with you, you can add some of this if you feel it's important

i think you did the right thing by giving it to him NOW

"i would add

i am here for you. i forgive you. i know that we can get through this together and we can learn from the past and have an even better life together than we had before."


Imho, I think that "I forgive you" sounds arrogant and condescending. However, I forgive you, I forgive me, I forgive us....much different.

Thanks, eav. I guess some of what you say here is IMPLICIT in the letter, but it isn't spelled out.

I just hope he does not have a NEGATIVE reaction to it. As far as what's in it...it is what it is and he'll take from it what he will. But if he reacts negatively, it's a loss for me, so I will take ANYTHING else as a win.

Get what I mean?

Sis,

Don't second guess yourself. So far, whenever you have spoken from the heart, you have broken through to him. He is seeing your pain, his role, and things have changed a lot since you began Plan A.

You have gone with your gut before, and it has been right. You know your H, and you know how to express yourself in writing. Trust that knowledge.

And NO, Miss Perfect, it won't be perfect. But it will be human, and his response will be human.

But he will respond. The good news is that he will! Remember, no response, BAD. Response, GOOD.

If someone told you that they believed in you, it would not elicit a negative reaction.

He will cry when he reads the letter. He cries a lot now - in front of you. Imagine when he's alone?

There's a very short story by Hemingway, "A Clean, Well-Lighted Place". Talks about how before you fall asleep, you think about the things you have done that you aren't proud of, how they haunt you, how when you've been really bad that you just cannot sleep. The main character cannot sleep, so he ends up staying awake at night, and goes out looking for a place where there are people, a clean, well-lighted place. Because if he tries to sleep, he just finds himself there, and he doesn't like himself very much. He ends up sleeping during the daytime.......

I imagine your WH like this before he sleeps, with his conflicts. Visualizing himself as the German.

And I think you did the right thing, because your gut said so. You have had great instincts so far!

If you had really messed up so bad yesterday, he would never have come in today. And tell me, why can't he just take the DVD back himself?????? Because, he needed to see you, Sis. His car isn't broken, and his arms can lift the disc, and his feet can get to the door of Blockbuster. An excuse to check on you, methinks.

Remember, 10,000 hands helping you up. 10,000 prayer warriors. 10,000 voices lifting you.

And one letter.

I will hold out hope, for as long as you do.

SB

lilsis

i'm not an expert on much on this site

but i think i'm an expert on a WS with a hardened heart

this DOES NOT seem to be your H right now thanks to your wonderful plan A

even if YOU get no reponse from him......that doesn't mean the LETTER got no response from him

((lilsis))

That's good to keep in mind. I am gun-shy...like anything I do might set him off or he'd take it the wrong way. I do feel like the letter is a good response to the German. It would have been a good response if I had written it AFTER he told me about his identification with the German...the fact that it fits as a response and I wrote it BEFORE he told me...I guess it's just one of those things, telling me something, giving me direction.

Opening up to me that way about the German...it deserved an equally honest response.

DS8 told me that WH put the roses out (I was delivering the 7 when the fight broke out).

He actually brought the DVD in because DS8 wanted to watch it again before it was returned...although I guess he could have made it clear to DS8 or DS11. When he left, though, he asked if I had the car plugged in, which I did not, so he plugged it in for me. Taking care of me...he does like that, doesn't he?

Well, what is done is done.

I still disagree with sending it. But that point is moot.

Can I ask why you sent it?
Are you expecting a response?
Did it fulfill a need for YOU? (cuz I'm certain its not a need for him)
Do you believe that something you say will change his course of action?


I disagree with this. He will feel pressure.
Your letter will create negative feelings for him.
The opposite of Plan A strategy.

It might be something you needed to say. It might not be something he wants to hear.

Was letter writing a routine form of communication for you during your marriage?

Sorry to be the downer here..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Glad you loved it as much as I did.

I like the changes you made in the letter and fully support your decision to give it to him. Especially in light of how he responded to what happened yesterday.

Your WH is SOOOOOOO coming back to you.....and soon.

I personally hope you GET to work a Plan B before he comes home, b/c then you will be able to call the shots of his return...

But, we shall see.

Your WH reminds me alot of me now. His guilt is what is eating him up. Did for me too. He can imagine how you must feel. And he wants to ease your pain...in fact he's trying to. This healing position he's taking only points in one direction for him...home.

He's going to come home to end your suffering and his guilt.

~ Marsh

PS: What did he say to you yesterday when you gave him the roses?

Take yourself out of the emotional connection you have to this situation and try to have an outsiders perspective:

Interactions with BS = heavy emotional drama, fighting, tears, guilt.

Interactions with OW = flirty, fun, feeling desired/wanted.

Moot point..I agree with Lexx...

Marsh: When I gave the roses, he did the eye roll thing and said something like, "What about come April?" regarding the anticipated final D date. (which would be the minimal time frame for the D, and since my atty has instructions to delay, delay, delay...) For some reason, that just set me off. I didn't flip all at once, it was just this back and forth thing that quickly escalated.

About the letter.

I respect your views about not sending it vs. sending it. But it's done. So, my rationale: I REALLY felt that his openness about identifying with the German in Saving Private Ryan...telling me how he feels...essentially that he's killing me!...that level of openness deserved something in response. To me, that admission from him was BIG, BIG, BIG. He had clearly given some thought to this, presumably in response to yesterday. And he WANTED to share this. It was the first thing he said to me when I called to apologize.

Whatever that metaphor means on the surface, there is CLEARLY some unconscious stuff going on there. The letter COULD tap into that. I don't think you can consider all the possible implications of WH identifying with that scene and not acknowlege that at some level, WH is grappling with some serious issues.

By sharing that with me, he opened a door just a teeny, tiny crack. He was TELLING me that he KNOWS he his hurting me. He's NO LONGER blaming me for the A. He's NOT EVEN saying that I'm putting myself in a postion to be hurt. No...he's acknowledging that HE'S KILLING ME and I'm FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE. He said this himself.

The letter tells him that he does not HAVE to do this. It gives him a way out. Lets him know that my light is still shining. It's still up to him what to do with it.

Again...it's done. As long as it has no NEGATIVE results, I'm fine with it.

The rest of our phone conversation WAS fun, relaxed, talking about boats and family, etc. Also when he came here to drop off the boys. Short, but not heavy, emotional, etc. Just normal. We seemed to have rebounded just fine from yesterday's emotional toll. But he was open with me about his reaction to yesterday...my letter was my response to him. And a letter is less emotion-laden than talking.

I believe one of the issues was that this letter might water down the PBL. I guess we can cross that bridge when we come to it. To answer your question, Lex...no, letters were not a common form of communication. However...I have written him letters twice under times of great stress. He also knows that I love to express myself in writing, so it certainly wouldn't be unexpected for him to get a letter from me in response to such a major event.

Did I give it to him for me? No. I had written it and put it away, with the intent of pulling it out as part of the PBL. But it seemed like such a good fit, such a fitting response to his statement.

I'm trusting SB (and my gut) on this one...

Gotcha, Lex, but let me add:
HONEST, FORGIVING

DISHONEST, MERCILESS

If the other interactions that we had today weren't so friendly and relaxed, I would have not given him the letter.

I would do some things differently Lilsis... but I can tell you three things for sure..
Your H is a very, very lucky man.
You have done a better plan A than I could ever dream up.
And while we all give you advice here... you SHOULD trust your gut.

I'm not following closely right now..

But want to say this...

I pray that I am DEAD WRONG..just basing this on MY EXPERIENCE...

DON'T BE FOOLED BY HIS POSITIVE WORDS.... He remains a WS in all of its UGLINESS...until he ENDS HIS AFFAIR..he remains UNDER HER SPELL and can switch back to who you saw last night on a dime..KEEP UP YOUR GUARD...

My H's Pattern: frequent switching from COLD to HOT...HATING ME one minute..LOVING me the other...He NEVER WAS DISTANT AS YOUR HUSBAND HAS BEEN...I learned the hard way that even when he was sweet, he was still a WH...

Most if not ALL that he SAID to me was PURE BS...and I almost fell for most of it..would come on here for folks to call me on his BS...

When I found them at the motel, he comes out in his boxers and says: "I'm ending this NOW"...The day after signing the LS PAPERS..he calls and says.."Don't give up hope on us"... Had SF with me that day and told me that he "LOVED ME"...The day after he left me the first time..he calls and says, sounding sincere, how much he "missed me"..ALL BS..... UNTIL PLAN B... I ended up believing him TOO LONG ..that he was "ENDING IT..GIVE ME SOME TIME...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH..." He wanted the TWO OF US FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE...

I PRAY THAT YOUR WH IS NOT TURNING INTO SUCH A CONNIVING CAKE-EATER.....

My bias is based on my own experience...

The WORDS about the movie come out of the mouth of a WH...not a real H..a WH will read that letter...not a real H...

I have to admit I get the same vibe mimi is channeling.

A sort of.."ok I'll be the bad guy for this act especially if it will alleviate my growing discomfort and possibly get LS off my back".

Until he is actually willing to DO something besides b*llsh*t antihero smokescreens I'm not buying.

Still I really don't think the letter prolly mattered one way or the other...if he chooses to step out of the fog it'll resonate if not it'll probably be dismissed.

Six of one half a dozen of the other.

Sending it wouldn't have been my first choice but ya know...at some point we are all splitting hairs..the plain unvarnished is you are pulling off an impressive plan A.

We don't need to be perfectionists do we?

AND I MOST DEFINITELY AGREE!!

And I agree that the letter probably doesn't much matter...

That's just it..

I hope Sis doesn't get her HOPES up to high and sees it as part of the GIVE, GIVE, GIVE of PLAN A without the EXPECTATION of getting anything in return...a broken record, I know..

I'm afraid for her that the EXPECTATION results in the AGGRESSION....

I got to the point of saying to myself HE IS WHAT HE IS and there is nothing that I can do to CHANGE HIM..I can only focus on CHANGING MYSELF...

Thanks, MEDC. Your feelings must not get hurt easily, because I keep NOT taking your advice and you hang in here anyway... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

mimi...I really appreciate your words and your perspective. I realize it is a chance that I am taking...and I may end up hurt, hurt, hurt. I know...

It's a gut thing.

I know you have said before that your DH is a salesman so...something to the effect that...words to him are meaningless, blah blah to him? Probably very verbal, able to sway people? Forgive me if I'm misinterpreting...

My WH is not a verbal/language person. He's never been one for finding deeper meaning in books or film. He's very WYSIWYG. Very concrete. For him to make a connection between a movie (one of his favorite movies BTW) and his life...to make that connection AND to comment on it to me...could VERY WELL just be WH foggy-talk.

There's also a CHANCE that it's not. The odds are against it, right?

But I followed my heart and opened it up...and did so against your advice.

I hope you respect my decision and understand my (probably flawed) reasoning...and you can tell me you told me so when my heart gets stomped on again. I promise I'll take my licks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nope.. pretty thick skinned concerning most things(not my son or people questioning my motives!)..I only want to see you happy and really don't care how we get there. If I am right and it helps at some point... great... if I am wrong and you get there some other way... great. I will continue to offer what I feel is best and learn from others here too. I may rant about some of Mimi's advice at times(she tends to make me shake my head sometimes), but I know she means well and has your best interest at heart(and does give good advice too)...we all care about you Lilsis.... that's why we are here.
Keep plugging away Lilsis...the battle has already been won... you are a better and stronger person...now it is just up to that thick headed WH of yours to see that!

Hang in there.

MEDC